Welcome to my first fic. This will be my attempt at a humorous take on the thermal clips system that replaced the original cooling systems. This is the first chapter, the second is in progress. I have idea if I'll continue linearly, or just put up a collection of snippets after that. One step at a time I guess.

'Thoughts'

Hope you enjoy! Like it, don't like it, feel free to tell me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect nor any character belonging to them

[Shep Wakes up at ME2 Cerberus Base]

"Wake up Commander."

Not exactly words the barely coherent commander wished to hear, still reaching for the oh so seductive wisps of precious slumber he'd been brought out of.

"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now – this facility is under attack."

Goddamnit.

Shepard sighed, opening his eyes and tried to yawn. Keyword being tried.

Pain lanced all over his face and body, but his worry remained riveted on his face.

"Shepard. Your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack."

Scars? Wait. Face = Pain.

'Ohmagawd NOT THE FACE! Please, NOT THE FACE!'

"Shepard! MOVE!"

Shepard growled, somewhat annoyed with this sad excuse of an overzealous train announcer; but sat up and looked around. He was in what looked like a science lab, surrounded by highly expensive and sterile looking sciency stuff.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!"

Shepard took a deep breath to calm himself and not track down and throttle the propagator of the loud female voice; beginning to count upto 10.

He got as far as 3.

"Grab the pistol and armour from the locker."

Shepard's right eye twitched.

He needed to sort out his priorities.

One- the gun.

Two – His face.

Three- Shoot things. Or Loud Female Voice. At this point he wasn't going to be too picky.

Four – Answers.

Lurching off the not-a-bed-wheres-the-damn-pillow, he headed to the locker to find a set of armour and a pistol that wouldn't fire. Odd.

"You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapons and armour!"

'I LITERALLY JUST PUT THEM ON, FOR FUCKS SAKE.'

Pinching the bridge of his nose and a deep breath later, Shepard calmed down enough to say,

"This pistol doesn't work."

"It's a Med bay, we'll get you a thermal clip from….damnit!"

Shepard perked up at the last word. At least he wasn't alone in having a bad day.

Also, what on Earth was a thermal clip?

"Keep your head down Shepard! Shield yourself from the blast!"

Eh? Blast? Oh. Those suspiciously oddly placed canisters near the doors that were on fire.

That's a poopstorm just waiting to happen, Shepard mused as he took cover behind a conveniently placed transparent-wall-thing nearby.

He also managed to see a reflection of his face on said transparent-wall-thing.

BOOOM!

His manly scream of horror was muted by the explosion.

The doors grabbed his attention. Namely, the lack of them.

Somehow the double doors had disintegrated. That was some insane concussive force. Shepard began to wonder if that could be weaponised.

"Someone's trying to hack security trying to kill you"

'Oh, ya think!? Tell me something useful!'

"Look for a thermal clip for your pistol."

Well whaddya know, the voice could be helpful too. But still, thermal clips? The name was self-explanatory, maybe some experimental tech that limited the number of shots for more firepower?

Strolling to the clip, Shepard loaded his gun with a satisfying click. The sound made him smile. Just a bit though. He was still recovering from the shock of his face.

Of course, the Overly Annoying Voice blared out again, prompting another eye twitch.

"Looks like they set up a barricade to try holding the mechs off."

Shepard sighed again. He had so many questions. Who were 'they', where was he, why isn't there a real gun available, why was he alive, what happened to his team, and they kept increasing.

'Well, time to go to work I guess.'

Shepard began humming some lyrics that seemed quite appropriate for his situation.

"Last thing I remember, I was~ running for the door… I had to find the passage back to the place I was befo~re..."

- A trail of battered mechs and a grenade launcher later-

'Either these mechs are really tough or these thermal clips are shit.'

Shepard found himself in a room with laptops and a paraplegic mech in it.

He looked at the gun, then at the mech crawling towards him. He promptly stomped on it's neck, killing it instantly.

'Shitty weapons it is then.'

Now feeling somewhat annoyed at the lack of decent weaponry, the grenade launcher notwithstanding, he accessed the logs.

Lazarus Project. 4 Billion credits. Back from the dead. Huh.

Hold up.

4 Billion credits? And they couldn't fix his face? What quack doctor was running this operation?

Ah well. He'd find the Voiceover Woman and get answers.

A corridor, a staircase, and some dead mechs later, Shepard had found another human that was willing to take orders from him in battle immediately. Hmm. Odd how that kept happening.

One somewhat confused conversation later Shepard knew some more-

1 – The Overly Annoying Voice called Miranda was the quack running this operation. There. Would. Be . Words.

2 – Two frickin years have passed.

3 – This was a Cerberus Facility. The logo on Jacob's suit was kind of obvious.

4 – Most of the Normandy's crew made it out.

5 – The Alliance and the Normandy survivors believed he was dead.

6 – He needed to get off this station.

As Shepard was going over these points, Jacob was contacted by some chap called Wilson, who took over navigation for them.

- Some more mech ambushes and some medi-gel later-

"Thanks Shepard. Never thought you'd save my life. Guess that makes us even now."

Shepard had the strangest urge to knock Wilson's teeth out.

- Some more conversations and combat later -

"Okay, we took the mechs down, but this is getting tense. Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow. Did they really think he was that oblivious?

"There's Cerberus logos everywhere on this station Jacob. You and Wilson have them on your clothes. It's quite obvious."

Jacob froze, then looked away looking somewhat sheepish.

"Right. Well.. Uh… The Illusive Man can fill you in further."

Shepard rolled his eyes. Lazarus project, Illusive Man. They really went all out in picking names. Maybe if they spent more time doing their damn jobs, his face would have been fine.

"In any case, I don't trust terrorists, so that's a no to your question. But the mechs are trying to kill us all, so I suppose we're stuck till we're off this station. Move out."

- Some combat and a dead Wilson later-

'Well this certainly confirms the crazy terrorist idea' mused Shepard as he held his gun to Miranda's head after she shot Wilson. Crazy terrorists rarely followed logic after all.

Maybe he'd hold off on questioning the quack about his face until they were off the station? Yes, that sounded like a good idea.

Jacob seemed upset. Huh. Maybe there was hope for him yet.

"You sure about that Miranda?" Jacob ranted, "We've known Wilson for years. What if you're wrong?"

"I'm never wrong. I thought you'd have learned that by now Jacob."

Hoo boy. An extra large scoop of superiority complex wearing a catsuit. This was gonna be one of those days.

Shepard sighed again. He'd been doing that a lot since he woke up. Fuck it. They could fight and kill each other if they wanted to, he was getting off this station and getting a REAL gun.

"Alright, I'm leaving. You two can keep squabbling and die here."

This got Miranda's attention.

"We should take the shuttle. My boss wants to speak to you."

"Yeah, yeah, Cerberus, Illusive man, let's get a move on."

"Ah Jacob. I should've known your conscience would get the better of you."

Shepard snorted as he moved past her.

"Woman, the walls are emblazoned with the Cerberus logo, as are Jacob's clothes and whatever the hell you're wearing. It's glaringly obvious who you work for."

Miranda's condescending smirk slid off her face.

"How did I miss that?" she murmured in shock as she stared at the huge Cerberus logo on the wall next to her..

"W-Well, is there anything else you'd like to know before we leave, Commander?"

Attempting (and failing) to recover her ice queen persona, she whirled towards Shepard again.

Shepard was already inside and starting the shuttle engines, humming 'Highway to Hell' under his breath.

Miranda and Jacob jumped for the shuttle before the doors closed, barely making it.

Continuing to hum as he piloted the shuttle out of the bay, Shepard resolved to ask this Illusive Man about this thermal clip silliness. There's no way every military force in the world had switched to using them…. Right?

As Miranda leaned over to set the course, Shepard found himself even more suspicious of Miranda, deciding to keep a closer eye on her.

There was simply no way that ass was natural.