I blame Elizabeth Harker for this. She told me writing an advice column dictated

by Jo and Laurie wouldn't be a completely ridiculous idea and she even gave me three starting questions to play with. So blame her and grad school for this bit of fluff and madness. Given my current, and slightly sadistic, school schedule, I can't write much more than fluff. But it can be fun fluff, at least!

So anyway... Jo. Laurie. An advice column. Let the madness ensue already!

Advice Column #1

CONUNDRUM 1:

I'm a teacher, and one of my students keeps insisting my name is Captain Shadow. It isn't, but he doesn't speak enough English for me to make that fact clear to him. How can I get him to address me properly?

Jo: Wait, can we be sure your name isn't Captain Shadow?

Laurie: I would assume so, given that the person writing in isn't likely to be: a) a hologram from the 31st century, b) a pirate with delusions of grandeur, or c) you when you've accidentally mistaken my scotch for lemonade that tastes remarkably appealing.

Jo: That last one ONLY HAPPENED THAT ONE TIME and need not be referred to incessantly, thank you kindly! And I'm sure you're imagining what happened that night anyhow, with or without suspicious gaps in my memory. Stop trying to insist I actually put a lamp-shade on my head, pranced around wearing nothing more than my wedding ring and your belt, and tried to do the can-can with a remarkable lack of coordination!

Laurie: In my defense, it's a difficult image to forget.

Jo: Keep trying. Anyway, back to our question! So, after deciding that isn't actually the advisee's given nomenclature-- through darn it, I like the pirate idea-- I guess you'll have to decide what to do based on a few variables.

Laurie: Such as how old the student is.

Jo: And how much authority you wield.

Laurie: And whether the student likes you or deserves a good dunking in a frozen over-pond.

Jo: And if you're allowed to accidentally lock him in a closet until he repents quickly.

Laurie: ...

Jo: Look, I was a governess for a few years, before I became a gold-digger and gave into your charms. IT'S THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. Corporal punishment is allowed! I'm being downright merciful, actually. We could probably set up a little dunk tank for him here and now and educators would think us cunning!

Laurie: Er... maybe our advisee should simply try repeating her name over and over again, or writing it in her student's language and putting it on a name-tag.

Jo: Oh sure, if we have to be sensible. But remember, if all else fails... there is the closet!

Laurie: And expulsion from your teaching position thereafter, probably.

Jo: Well, I suppose our advisee should do what I did and find some rich, charming, ludicrously good-looking spouse to help assuage her in the loss of her job. It worked out well for me!

Laurie: Heh. It did, did it?

Jo: Oh, of course it did! Well... as long as you remember to keep me away from all the various things in the household that make me start dancing on tables again while swiveling my hips like an uncoordinated longshoreman trying to pirouette.

Laurie: But where would the fun in that be?

CONUNDRUM 2

Every time I start to make a friend, this one girl starts to befriend said person too. She invites them out a few times, and soon the other person never sees fit to talk to me again. It's sort of bothering me. What to do?

Jo: Shank them. Clean and simple. Take care of the problem, nice and easy.

Laurie: ...Do you even know what that means?

Jo: Well, no, but I read it in a book once and literature hasn't failed me yet.

Laurie: Remind me to keep you away from the books of good old de Sade, Jo. I think your faith in literary works sometimes verges on terrifying.

Jo: What's wrong with a little bibliophilia?

Laurie: Nothing normally... but it's a bit alarming when it comes close to making a jail-bird out of you! Really, Jo do you honestly not know what a 'shank' even refers to?

Jo: Well, I took a guess and managed to whittle a tiny shiv out of a pencil over the last three days. It could probably put out an eye from thirty yards away if thrown correctly. Is that close?

Laurie: ...It's the nights I fear the most, truly.

Jo: ANYWAY, getting back... if shanking, shivving or... er... something else that starts with an 's'-ing isn't on the menu, you could always try to do things peaceably. Talk it out with her. Try to keep in touch with the new person. Or...

Laurie: I sense great enthusiasm in that 'or,' Jo. Go on. Let out the crazy.

Jo: OR you could catch your friend-snatcher in the act of stealing new pals from you red-handed! Hire someone who looks eerily like you to PLAY you and pretend to be someone new that fake-you is excited about! And then be "stolen away" and see what sort of dark arts "this one girl" uses to keep them away! Black magic? Voodoo? Immoral but terribly sensual sexual favors? The sky's the limit on what you could find-- and how you can subsequently blackmail her too!

Laurie: ...I can see absolutely no way that could go wrong, darling.

CONUNDRUM 3:

I'm the teacher from the first question and I have to learn the names of 150 little Chinese children by the end of next week. So far I've learned... 8. It's bound to be a disaster. How can I keep from looking foolish in front of my students or looking like I'm playing favorites?

Jo: Oh, well, this is very simple!

Laurie: ...How on earth can this be simple?

Jo: Easy, my dear Teddy. She should call everyone by her own name! That way, everyone gets treated the same and nobody could possibly confuse her for a hologram from the 31st century, a pirate with delusions of grandeur, or one of my visions from when I very accidentally mistake Teddy's scotch for lemonade that tasted remarkably appealing. It's fool-proof!

Laurie: ...

Jo: Have I actually rendered you dumb with shock from my brilliance?

Laurie: In... a manner... of speaking...

Author's Note: Reviews are nice, as always, and new questions from the audience would be even nicer! This is just a fun side-fic I want to do for laughs and giggles. Keep the questions coming and I'll keep going. I'll try to use 3 questions from different people every week!

Also, A Night to Remember's (the fic about Jo and Laurie's hypothetical wedding night) final chapter is up and I'm still trying to hit the magic 60 review mark there. Please do review if you read it and enjoyed it. ;)