Disclaimer; I do not own KHR or any of its characters
To Court the Mist
Colonnello x Viper
i. The Problem and Advice from a Bolt of Lightning
Colonnello had been observing Viper for awhile. It always was at a distance, whenever he came over for training or to visit Lal. Ever since their rather "interesting" first meeting that time ago, he could not help himself but always searching the illusionist out, trying to find where she is and see what she was doing. She (is Viper even a she? He has yet to figure that part out) was just fascinating to him, a total enigma.
At the same time, this whole thing made him feel completely stupid.
Like seriously! The way he always tried looking for her, attempting to figure what made her tick, trying to decide on a pronoun to use to refer to her… it made him feel like a creepy stalker. He always hated puzzles before, preferring things that were straightforward and did not require intense concentration or attention. That was why he was a solider. All the strategy he had to do was decide what to blow up first.
He never had trouble talking with other people, considering himself as a very friendly type of person, but speaking with Viper was absolutely impossible. Whenever he tried so much as to approach her, she opted to ignore him, choosing to count her money than to properly acknowledge he even existed.
Colonnello was also the type to take a hint. He would never bother a person if they really did not want to talk to him, giving the space they needed (with obvious exceptions such as his temperamental trainer). Normally he would not even be bothered to be ignored by someone as condescending and sour as her.
But the truth of the matter was that it did bother him, and he had no idea why.
"Hey, mad scientist, how do you get Viper's attention, kora?"
Verde ceased tinkering with his latest machine, the wrench in his hand almost clattering down onto the floor. An eyebrow rose, and he glanced at the blonde. "Why do you ask? Are you interested in the genderless anomaly?"
"No, kora! Absolutely not! It's not like that at all, kora!" Colonnello shouted, perhaps with more force than necessary. He took a deep breath to calm himself and added, "It's just that whenever I try talking with Viper, Viper always ignores me. What do I do to get him/her/it to actually notice me, kora?"
Verde turned to fully face him, his expression pristinely blank. He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Normally, I would care less about your plight… but I suppose if you are willing to help me in newest experiment to uncover the illusionist's gender then perhaps I can offer some assistance."
"Oh?" His brow arched at the prospect. "What do you want me to do, kora?"
The Lightning Arcobaleno's lips curved into a smile, the kind of smile that only mad scientists could do to make themselves look even more deranged than they already are. Colonnello suppressed a nervous shudder. Verde placed the wrench down and turned around to his work space, seemingly intent on digging something out.
"Well I have been doing extensive research how to go about this new test, and my studies then have pointed me to the most elementary of items that will without a shadow of a doubt prove that walking enigma's gender."
Verde then turned around, revealing his latest discovery with a grand flourish.
All Colonnello do was stare. "Wait… seriously? A box of chocolate, kora?"
Verde's expression remained perfectly serious. "A scientist never jokes around when it comes to his experiments. Why? Do you have a problem with it?"
"Uh, n… no. No! It is just… everyone likes chocolate, kora."
"But a girl cannot resist heart shaped ones." Verde opens the lids, showcasing a display of chocolate of said shape. "I requested them myself." The blonde just stood there and stared, speechless. The scientist huffed and shoved the box into his hands. "Don't ask anymore asinine questions and just do it."
Plan 1: Chocolate
Call it desperation, call it persuasion, call it sheer stupidity, but Colonnello decided to give the chocolate thing a shot. What could be the harm?
'Other than complete humiliation and misunderstanding of the situation… whether she's a she or not.'
He tried not to dwell on how this whole situation would affect his image if he ended up giving heart-shaped chocolates to a male Viper. His manhood would completely disappear right then and there. Reborn would tease him relentlessly and he would probably have to beat Skull to an oblivion to make him stop laughing.
Still he decided to throw caution to the wind and give Verde's weird experiment a try.
He peeked out into the hall and saw Viper sitting in her usual spot on the couch, hood placed over her head, covering most of her face, as she dutifully counted her profits once again. He scanned the room quickly. No one was around. Not that he expected anyone to be sitting with Viper, considering she did not particularly like hanging out with anyone because she considered it just a waste of money.
He pressed his back against the wall and took a deep breath.
'Why the hell am I so nervous? I have faced way more dangerous situations than this, kora.'
Still he consciously wiped his hands on his camouflage pants and gave himself a good smack on the cheek for good measure. Alright. He was ready.
Just as he was about to enter the room, mouth open to greet her, an unprecedented obstacle appeared out of nowhere and stood in his way.
"Is that chocolate I smell?!"
Colonnello's blue eyes narrowed into a glare, gripping the box even tighter. "What's a lackey like you doing here, kora?"
Skull scowled at the blonde soldier. "I should be asking you that! Shouldn't you be busy training with Lal or something?"
"She let me off early so I decided to hang around here for a bit, kora." Colonnello stepped a little closer, towering over the stuntman, intimidating him with a stern look in his eyes. "Now, you didn't answer my question. What are you doing standing in my way right now, kora?"
Skull flinched over Colonnello's intimidating stare and tried to conceal his fear with a shaky scoff. "If you must know it's because of that box!" The blonde followed his outstretched, realizing that Skull was referring to his box in his hand. "What's in it?"
The blonde decided to play dumb. "Nothing, kora."
"Nothing? It smells like… chocolate!" Skull took a dramatic whiff of the air. "Yes! There is definitely chocolate in that box!"
"Well, even if there is, it's not for you, kora!"
"Then who is it for?"
"It is for…" Colonnello quickly caught himself, forcing his mouth to clamp shut. He quickly glanced over to Viper, who seemed to have not even noticed their presence. She took a quick sip of her drink and continued paging through her euros.
"Ah hah! See? It is for no one! You are hogging all that delicious chocolate for yourself!" Skull grabbed hold of the box. "You should share and give me some!"
"No way, kora! A idiot like you will probably contaminate them with your stupidity." Colonnello roughly pulled the box back. "Now, let. Go, kora."
"N… no! I want some chocolate!" Despite the trembling in his voice, the fear flashing in his eyes, the thought of chocolate gave the stuntman enough courage to stand up to Colonnello.
The solider gritted his teeth and tugged harder, grunting when Skull had enough nerve to pull back. They pulled and tugged valiantly, each fighting valiantly for the box of sweets.
Soon the box flew out of their hands. They watched for a moment in surprise as it flew high, landing on a particular person. Right in her face.
They remained perfectly still, not even so much as releasing a single breath. Viper sat completely still, staring down at the projectile, at the chocolate pieces scattered all over precious money and ruining her nice piles, at the fallen remnants of her pink drink that soaked her cloak. She glanced into her empty bottle and scowled, tossing the bottle angrily on the floor.
"You know what? I actually hate chocolate." She snapped her head towards them.
Colonnello and Skull felt a shiver of fear race down their spine, their face paling at the frightening look on the illusionist's face.
Hell ensued.
ii. Advice from the Passionate Sun
Even after that general disaster, and further reprimand from Lal about his idiocy, he was not about to just give up. No, if Colonnello is one thing, he was the kind of guy who does not know the meaning of defeat. No matter what obstacles stood in his way, he would never give up. It was one characteristic that he prided himself and Lal consistently rolled her eyes over.
In light of his recent failure, he decided to seek advice from the Casanova king himself.
"Holy hell! You can't be serious!" Reborn went through another fit of hysterical laughter, holding his stomach and nearly tumbling down onto the floor.
Colonnello glared, eyebrow twitching in annoyance. "If I wasn't serious, do you think I would seriously be asking you of all people, kora?"
"But honestly! Do you know what just came out of your mouth? You are asking me how to get the attention of Viper – Viper, the greedy, money-grubbing, anti-social, eyeless…"
"I'm pretty sure that Viper has eyes, kora."
"I haven't seen them. You haven't seen them. How exactly do you know for sure?" Colonnello glared, knowing full and well that the hitman was just making fun of him. Reborn finally composed himself. "Alright, why does it matter? Are you interested in the genderless creature from the hell? I mean, demonic Lal Mirch is one thing, but devil worshiping witch like Viper? I am beginning to question your tastes, soldier boy."
"Shut up, kora! Why the hell do people keep saying that? I do not like Lal or Viper in that way, kora!" Reborn simply rolled his eyes, looking at him with a skeptical look on his face. "I just only want to be able to talk to him… her… it… whatever without being ignored. And maybe find out Viper's mysterious gender once and for all while I'm at it, kora."
Colonnello resisted the ever present and strong urge to punch Reborn in the face, especially when he looked at him with that look of amusement, smile spreading over his lips. It was that same look of disbelief that Verde gave him, one that accused him of being in denial.
'Which I definitely am not, kora.'
"Well if that is what you really want to find out then you must know of one surefire way to uncover that little secret."
Colonnello knitted his brows together. "What do you mean, kora?"
"Oh, don't play dumb! You got to… you know."
For a moment Colonnello looked at him dumbly, unsure of what he was trying to convey to him. Looking at the mischievous look in his eyes, the wanton smile and wink, he finally understood.
"What the… hell no, Reborn! Absolutely not, kora!" he shouted, blue eyes widening in disbelief.
"What? You are not telling me you are still a virgin!"
"You are freaking insane! I am not going to do that, kora!" Colonnello glared at him, feeling his ears warm at the thought.
Reborn sighed deeply. "What a party pooper… Fine. If you do not want to go and seduce Viper, then I think I have one more plausible route for you – flowers."
He raised a blonde brow at the suggestion. "Seriously kora? Flowers?"
"Yes! If Viper truly is both human and a woman, then she cannot possibly resist a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Then once you become slightly more certain of a gender, then you can try bedding Viper and…"
"Shut up now, kora." But that idea strangely appealed to the solider, causing him to nod his head in satisfaction over the plan. "Alright, I think I can try that. Thank you, kora."
Resolved to give it a try, Colonnello stepped away from the hitman… but paused for a moment.
He turned back towards him with a mischievous smile. "So if that is you philosophy, Reborn, should we expect twins from Luce, kora?"
Reborn's hand twitched towards his gun. "Shut up."
Plan 2: Flowers
Colonnello decided to give Reborn's suggestion a try… with absolutely no intention of seducing her, of course. With a bouquet this pretty, he's sure that Viper had to notice and talk to him.
He looked quickly side to side, flowers hidden behind his back. There was no idiot Skull in sight to ruin his chance and destroy his flowers. No Reborn to laugh or screw him over just because he can for his amusement. There was absolutely no way that this plan could be ruined.
He then noticed Viper sitting in her usual spot at her usual time, casually reading a book that was written in strange foreign language and sipping on a drink.
Now this definitely was it this time. Everything was perfect.
Consciously smoothing his clothes out, he took a deep breath and moved forth, lips curving into his usual, easygoing smile. He could totally do this. He can do this!
"Here you go, kora! Thought you would like it!"
Unfortunately though despite how well the opportunity may present itself, Colonnello was still Colonnello. He was lacking one thing – Reborn's class. To say the least, Colonnello was not known to be the smoothest man in the world.
That was why it took him a very long moment – a moment too late – to realize he was standing too closely to Viper, so close that when he presented the flowers, he shoved them right into her face.
His eyes widened when he realized his mistake and slowly pulled the flowers back. He felt his body freeze, his face blanching at the frightening, nearly corporeal angry aura. From underneath the shadows of her hood, he knew she was glaring at him, fiercely.
She snapped the book shut on her lap. Her attention drifted off to the pink bottle on the floor, gasping softly at the fallen liquids dripping all over the carpet. Her scowl deepened and she turned to face him again.
"You know, moron… I actually hate those kinds of flowers too." She cracked her neck. Fantasma beside her released a loud, ominous croak. "Now prepare to be punished for annoying me, idiot."
Colonnello did not know what happened the next following few minutes, undergoing the worst illusory torture Viper could possibly muster to punish him for annoying her in such a manner.
iii. Desperation in the Clouds
Before Colonnello could rap his hand on the door, he stopped himself.
'Wait... What the hell am I doing, kora?'
Was he seriously going to ask Skull, Skull, of all people for advice? That idiotic lackey?
'That's it. I must be getting desperate kora.'
He dropped his hand to his side, slapped his cheek, and walked away, hoping no one saw him almost completely humiliate himself. His characteristic smile was gone from his lips as he sulked over his various failures. He never realized he was reaching such a low point that he was about to demean himself to ask Skull of all people.
'Who knew getting Viper to talk to me was so difficult kora...'
What the heck is a desperate, struggling man to do to get a person's attention? He released a heavy sigh, dragging his feet across the floor.
"Colonnello? Are you alright?"
He snapped his head up to see two figures standing before him, staring at him worriedly. He instantly brightened up.
"Fon! Luce! Just the two people I was hoping to see, kora!"
"Oh? Why is that?" asked Fon.
He took a deep breath, pausing a moment to recollect himself. "I have been trying to get Viper to notice me, but no matter how hard I try, it hasn't been working out. Do you guys have any advice for me as to how am I going to make this work kora?"
"But Colonnello, why…?"
"No, don't even finish that, kora!" Luce quickly shut her mouth in confusion while Fon beside her blinked. "Every person I have asked for advice has been saying that same damn thing all the time! Why can't I just ask for advice without it meaning something else? It is not because I am interested in her like that, kora! I do not even know if Viper is a she to start with so don't even go there!"
Colonnello huffed, his lips contorting in a way that was reminiscent to a pout.
"I just want to be acknowledged. That is all."
Fon and Luce only stared at him for a few long moments. They glanced over to one another, looking at each other in such a way that the soldier could not identify, almost speaking to one another with a mere look. They then smiled and returned to face him.
"Well then. If that is the case, then I think there's only one thing that will be able to help solve your dilemma," said Fon.
"Yeah, kora? What is it?" Colonnello asked, not at all aware of how loudly he spoke, the hope shining in his eyes.
Fon and Luce exchanged another quick glance. Her smile widened. "Easy! Just pay attention to the things that Viper likes!"
The blonde instantly deflated. "...kora?"
"Yes! Everyone is different and has his or her own preferences. Just have a little patience, and I think you will figure out what Viper likes. Once you figure that out then everything else will be easy!"
Colonnello could only stare at her in disbelief. He turned towards Fonm half expecting him to give him a better response. The martial artist only nodded his head in agreement.
"...that there is horrible advice, kora. I would much rather give Reborn's crazy suggestion a try than go through something as vague as that..."
"Really? What did a Reborn say?" Luce asked.
"Nothing!"
The Sky Arcobaleno pouted, but did not press any further.
Fon calmly changed the subject. "It honestly is good advice. As with every situation, it is always good to take things slowly, take a step back, and see the big picture. Just try it, and you will see."
Colonnello grumbled the affirmative and walked away.
Honestly, what the heck did that mean? Take things slow and take a step back? He was a soldier for crying out loud. They are programmed to think on the spot and dive into things head first without looking back. They do not take things slow. They go fast and hard.
'And think of the things Viper likes?' He scoffed at that. The only thing he knows she likes is money and her creepy frog. There was no way in hell was he giving her a dime... Maybe a companion for the frog? But then is the issue if the frog is male or female…
He just did not know anymore.
He scratched his head, but found himself pausing at the doorway of the living room. He peeked inside and saw Viper lounging casually on the chair, reading another of her books. What was he supposed to do with that idea? Give her a spell book? Would he be cursed if he touched one though?
Just before he could delve any deeper over that thought, something else caught his eye. He watched her taking a leisurely sip out of the bottle before placing it back down on the table. What was it? Devil juice, some strange concoction that harnessed black magic?
He then began to realize what exactly what that pink bottle was, how very simple and ordinary it was. It was something he always saw her with in his previous attempts at getting her attention, but never noticed before, too preoccupied by the illusory punishment then the pink stains that covered her cloak or the floor.
Once you figure that out then everything else will be easy!
He smiled. Jackpot.
Plan 3
He had exactly 4.251 minutes to get this done, before Lal got upset that he is prolonging his break and make him run another eighty laps for tardiness.
He was glad that the Arcobalenos were having this meeting so close to is training spot. Luce had thought the weather outside was marvelous and wanted to have a meeting outdoors for once. For bonding, she said with such a smile that none of the others could argue with her. Lal managed to get out of it, using the excuse of having to train him, promising to keep the session close though just in case anything truly important came up and needed to inform her (which she sincerely hope would not happen.)
Though the day was nice, he also had to admit it was hot. Even after he cooled down from his training exercises, he was still glistening with sweat, wiping it off his forehead.
The hot weather, Lal's distaste for meetings, the convenient of the locations... It all meant that it was the perfect time to strike.
He ran towards the opening and paused, peeking past the foliage. It seemed the meeting had at least adjourned. Fon was calmly meditating with a serene look on his face while Skull was almost crying at all of Reborn's needling over something absolutely stupid the lackey did. Luce sat comfortably beside them, sipping her tea while Verde sat underneath the shade, tinkering with his machines.
But what really caught is attention was the figure sitting on the other side of the clearing, away from the others in her own self-induced seclusion.
Viper sat against the tree, hidden underneath the shade, looking as if she was glaring at the sky for making things so damn hot. He would never expect her to take her cloak off due to the warmth. No, it was pure and utter blasphemy to do such a thing. Instead she contented herself to her illusions, absently materializing snow and ice and watching it melt away into nothing when exposed to sunlight.
He instinctively wiped off his camo pants and took deep breath, finding strange comfort in the numbness that spread over his fingers after holding it for such a long time.
He took a step forward, lips curved into his usual smile, and said, "Hey, it's pretty out today, kora!"
The snow and ice she had just materialized melted away the moment he spoke. She did not bother looking up at him. Her lips twisted into something that was reminiscent to a scowl, but her expression betrayed nothing else.
"What the hell are you doing here, Colonnello? This is an official Arcobakeno meeting."
"Really, kora?" Colonnello dramatically turned his head side to side, taking in the surroundings. "Well it seems like all official business is pretty much done and over with now, kora."
Viper did not grace him with further response, her gaze more interested in her frog than his actual face.
He then took a deep breath, knowing there was not turning back now. It was now or never.
"Anyways, it really is hot outside, and I had an extra drink with me. Since I was in the vicinity I wanted to ask if you would like it kora." He proffered the pink bottle forward. "Here!"
Despite his words, her expression remained calm and placid. She snapped her head up and spat out, "Idiot, I do not want your damn dr-"
When she finally looked up to look at him - really looked at him - she found herself unable to finish her response. All derisive and snarky replies faded away in her mind like clearing mist.
Colonnello was confused by her gaping stare, wondering what had made her so transfixed. He glanced over behind him for a moment, wondering if an apparition or some demon was floating behind him. Seeing nothing was there, at least as far as he knew, he turned back to the illusionist.
"Say, what is the matter, kora?"
His voice helped snap her out of whatever stupor that caught her. She struggled to recollect herself, her voice uncharacteristically shaky as she asked, "Where the hell is your shirt?"
"My... shirt kora?" Confused, he glanced down at his bare chest. Realizing what she meant, he replied innocently, "Oh, it was hot out so when I was training so I took it off!"
"Mu... you look ridiculous. No one wants to see you half naked," she snapped out with more forced than she intended, earning a low, quite curse.
Fortunately for her, she was speaking to Colonnello. He continued to smile and did not notice. "We'll I like to think I have a pretty good physique, kora!"
Viper did not respond and tried to keep her face deadpan, glancing down quickly at her frog for support. She scoffed when she even noticed her own frog's eyes seemed to widen at the sight of him, releasing a long, deep croak.
Remembering his earlier objective, Colonnello shook his head. "Anyways since we were just talking about the heat, here kora! Do you want it?"
"W... want wh... what?"
"This drink, kora!"
She stared for a moment, glancing away from his body and up to the bottle in his hand. Her cheeks were dusted with a rosy pink - no, he was just imaging that! - and shook her head, quickly patting her cheeks to focus herself.
"It's actually strawberry milk. I noticed you drink this a lot, and I just happened to have an extra that I am not going to drink. Do you want it?"
Colonnello was not sure what to expect. He thought Viper to reply with some snarky remark and reject him completely, fling the milk at his head, and punish him with some crazy illusion as always.
The fact that she took the drink without saying a word definitely was not what he was expecting at all. He blinked and stared, watching her look at the bottle thoughtfully, turning it around in her hands before she looked back up at him.
He again found himself baffled. Honestly, why was she just staring at him like that? Why were her cheeks becoming such a pronounced red?
"Oh holy kora! Are you okay?"
"Of course I am fine, you tool. Why?"
"Are you sure? Your face is bright red!"
Viper flinched back, the color in her cheeks becoming even more pronounced. "N... No it's not."
"Yeah, it is! Do not lie, kora!" He examined her for a long moment before gasping sharply. He understood. "Oh my god! Are you suffering from a heat stroke, kora?"
He drew closer to her in concern, examining her face. Such an act caused her to press her back against the trunk, her face become a shade brighter.
"No, I'm not. Get back, you idiot.
"Yes, you are. Your face says it all, kora!" She only cursed under her breath, glaring deeply at him. "It's no wonder you are warm. I mean you're wearing that cloak in this kind of weather. Here let me get you inside, kora!"
"No, stay away! I am fine. Do not hassle yourself."
"It is not a problem. It is just right around the corner after all. I will help you out, kora!"
Viper gasped when Colonnello lifted her off the ground. He held her against his chest, oblivious to the increasing warmth spreading over her face and touching her cheeks.
She only smacked him, struggling to get out of his grasp. "Idiot! Stop already! Put me down!"
"Nope, I will not , kora."
"What about Lal? She will be very upset that you are missing from your training."
Despite her attempts to escape, his grip on her was much too strong. He remained cheerful with a wide smile on her face. "It is not a problem! She will understand since I am only helping other people out! Now let us go, kora!"
Colonnello was already running of before Viper could open her mouth.
No one paid any attention to the display, more concentrated on their own personal business to give any heed to those two.
Except Luce of course.
She chuckled at the display, turning her head towards Fon. "Well I think we should have known that Colonnello would take our advice a bit too far." Fon smiled and nodded his head, still in his meditation pose. "At least he got wanted and got Viper's attention after all."
"In perhaps in the most unorthodox way," Fon noted. Luce looked over and sighed deeply, torn between shaking her head and laughing over Colonnello's current appearance and Viper's reaction.
"To say the least, I never knew he had such intriguing tastes," he said.
"The overly cheerful, optimistic soldier infatuated with the enigmatic, brooding illusionist..." She smiled at wistfully at the thought. "I thought Lal and he was an interesting match, but those two? It's almost unbelievable."
"Not that the boy is aware of his true feelings or his actions."
"Or the results of his actions and the feelings of his poor victim."
Fon lazily opened his eyes, observing the two figures dash off into the distance. Colonnello was bright and shining, saying something with a smile on his face while Viper responded with a deep scowl on her lips, her face a beet red.
The two could only smile. They were as different as night and day, as rain and mist, but in their own, strange way they meant for each other... If only if they could open their eyes and realize it.
Thanks for reading~