Dear fanfiction authors,
I came across this marvelous website a couple hours ago and I must admit that I am rather disappointed with the wild imaginations you all seem to possess. Yes, Harry and Snape definitely have some sexual tension. There was obviously something going on with Minerva and Albus. And the theories about James and Lily warm my heart. But to have the gall to suggest that Draco and I could ever be together is outrageous and you all should be ashamed of yourselves. When I first saw the category, I thought it must be a joke. I have not read any of what I am sure is trash, but needless to say, anyone who writes such barbaric lies must immediately remove their stories before I take legal action.
Yours unaffectionately,
Hermione Granger
Dear fanficiton lunatics,
Not only did my last letter go unanswered and unacknowledged, but you failed to take down any stories. So I read them to see what all the fuss was about. I therefore can say without any doubt that everyone on this site is talentless and crazy. I'll address the main issues. First and foremost, Draco and I did not talk while we were both Head Boy and Head Girl if we weren't being forced to. We never have worked together in any way outside of school. In fact, I rarely come in contact with him. He will never look at me and suddenly see how beautiful I am. I will never get to see how much he has changed since Hogwarts. We will forever be two people who had an unpleasant relationship in school and now never think about the other. Now that's a story I would read.
This is your second warning,
Hermione Granger
Dear fanfiction crazies,
Again no reply. Driven to insanity by your pathetic stories, I visited Malfoy. You will not be pleased to hear that we did not fall instantaneously in love. He did not look deep into my eyes with his steel grey ones and admit his undying devotion. I did not swoon at his incredible body or fantasize about the six pack clearly showing through his shirt. Things were polite and a little awkward. I agreed to have dinner with him, but only because I am curious about his life and I couldn't very well say no. But don't get it into your heads to write our tragically beautiful love story. The only thing I'm expecting out of this dinner is a free meal.
Hermione Granger
Dear writers,
In case you were wondering, the dinner was wonderfully platonic.
From a satisfied Hermione Granger
Dear lemon writers,
In case you were wondering, the sex after dinner was also platonic.
From a very satisfied Hermione Granger
P.S. I will concede that you were right about the 'Sex God' business.
Dear geniuses,
Well damn. You all were right.
Forever grateful,
Hermione Malfoy