Bum Reviews: The Great Disney Adventure, a web shows fanfic

Bum Reviews:

The Great Disney Adventure

Narrator: And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review… "The Great Disney Adventure"

Bum: OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOV… err I mean…THE GREATEST FAN FICTION I READ IN MY LIFE!

Bum: Disney, a place where dreams come… SPOILERS!

Bum: Wait I can read? Wait I have a computer? Wait a minute I'M ELVIS PRSLEY?

Bum: So there's these girls who are cousins and their names are Kelsey and Emma, and they're up watching Disney movies! Hooray!

Bum: I watched Disney movies once! My favorite is A Troll in Central Park.

Bum: But then there are sucked into the TV and transported to Disneyland. But it's not Disneyland it's the Kingdom! The Kingdom of Yes There Are No Disney Channel Stars That Live Here! Yes!

Bum: But Kelsey is separated from Emma and she has to find her and the Mad Hatter comes and gives her his clothes. The Mad Hatter gave me clothes once. In fact he gave me this coat. It was the best Christmas gift ever! (Bum opens jacket and in it are zip lock bags filled with white minerals obviously meth)

Bum: So first she goes in a tiger cave and finds Aladdin! Hooray, I love Aladdin! But then she steals the lamp from him. Bitch.

Bum: So she's like (then imitates Kelsey) I wish I found my cousin! (There's a white flash with a poof sound effect and the Bum appears like he is drowning underwater).

Bum: So then she's underwater and finds the fish from Finding Nemo. Yes, I love that movie! And then soon she finds her cousin Emma, but she's a mermaid! So Emma's like (imitating Emma) Hooray! And Kelsey is like (Imitating Kelsey) Shit!

Bum: I was a mermaid once! It's really a long story; I made a deal with a sea witch and then after I got a sex change. Tragic.

Bum: So then they go to Ursula from The Little-ma Mermaid and she's like (Imitating Ursula) I changed your cousin back to normal now give me your genie.

Bum: And Kelsey is like (imitating Kelsey) Sure over here.

Bum: (Imitating Ursula) Good now where is the.. Holy Fuck a Krakken! AHHHH! (The Bum screams and falls as a Godzilla roar is heard in the background)

Bum: So Kelsey and Emma swim up to the surface and they come across Jack Sparrow! I'm not joking Jack Sparrow is in this story! Hooray! Oh and there's also that one guy who was the elf from Lord of the Rings but he's not important.

Bum: So Jack Sparrow shows Kelsey a map of the entire Kingdom and then she "borrows" it, but really she steals it. Bitch.

Bum: But Captain Hook attacks their ship, and thank God he is not played by Dustin Hoffman (A sign appears and says Dustin Hoffman I actually like you as Hook)

Bum: So then Kelsey and Captain Hook are sword fighting and he's like (imitating Captain Hook) Argh, I got you now little girl prepare to die… (The Bum is now on the other side representing Kelsey and takes out a wristwatch and a ticking sound is heard and he continues to imitate Hook) Fuck, I need to get out of here, Smee!

Bum: So the next day Kelsey and Emma wake up to only find they're stranded on an island because Jack dropped them off there. I was dropped off on an island once! It was something about being a leopard, I don't know.

Bum: So then those hyenas from The Lion-ma King are chasing them, and they find the cottage with the Seven Dwarves. Happy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Brown, Marty, Biff… wait who are those people? I mean Happy, Grumpy, and Dopey, sure as don't remember them being dwarves.

Bum: And they also meet this fairy lady named Sophia and she's like the bitchiest fairy godmother I have ever seen in my life! If you ever say I wish for a big taco, she would be like (imitating Sophia) make your own quesedilla dick! Believe me, she's adorable.

Bum: So Sophia leads Kelsey and Emma to Snow White's castle and she's like (imitating Sophia) the only way you two will get home is to let the magic mirror that is locked in the high tower of Snow White's castle help you. And then Kelsey's like (imitating Kelsey) but didn't that magic mirror belong to the Evil Queen and helped her fulfill her diabolical doings? (Imitating Sophia) Yep. (Imitating Kelsey) But what's she doing with it; can't she sell it on eBay or something? (Imitating Sophia) She keeps making sure she's still the fairest in the land; she's an egotistical bitch that way. (Imitating Kelsey) Oh.

Bum: So then they go into Snow White's castle and Kelsey is in a dress and she's so pretty, but then she decides to still wear the Mad Hatter hat. Girlfriend, that is so yesterday.

Bum: So then they sneak into Snow White's tower and steal the mirror who speaks in riddles and rhymes, and the mirror is like (imitating the magic mirror) Roses are red, violets are blue, B-I-T-C-H spells bitch which is you. Oh, and also I think he talks like Yoda. (Bum does a Yoda giggle and imitation) Fairest of them all Snow White is. (Bum continues to giggle like Yoda).

Bum: So then Kelsey breaks out of castle through a stained glass window causing massive amount of property damage. Bitch. And Kelsey is like to the mirror (imitating Kelsey) Mirror you have to help me and my cousin get home. And the mirror is like (imitating the magic mirror) Ok, but I have to turn into a human again so I need that one magic mirror from Beauty and the Beast in order to do it. (Imitating Kelsey) Dammit! (Imitating the magic mirror) Hey this is a Disney epic adventure we need a cameo from at least every Disney character or setting in the Disney universe we can possibly get!

Bum: So the whole gang along with the mirror walks through the woods to get to the castle until Hades from Hercules pops up and says (imitating Hades) I need that now bye!

Bum: So Hades steals the magic mirror from them so they have to go to the underworld and get it back. While there they come across a huge dog with three heads and it's like (imitating Cerberus) ZUUL MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL… but the elf from Lord of the Rings is like (Bum sings soprano and then goes back to imitating Cerberus and pretends to fall asleep)

Bum: So they get the mirror back and the mirror is like (imitating the magic mirror) Um yeah I kinda told them where Hercules was… so Kelsey gives Jack Sparrow and the elf the magic lamp and they wish themselves to Greece and they're like (imitating Jack and Will) Hooray! (Suddenly a Godzilla roar is heard in the background) OMG, a hydra.

Bum: So Kelsey makes it to the Beast's castle. Hooray! But Belle gets the mirror before she does. (The Bum groans).

Bum: So then Kelsey chases after Belle and steals the mirror, which is the only hope of Belle saving her gravely sick and old father from the icing snowstorm. Bitch. Geez she's like Disney's first anti-hero, she screws up the plotlines too much.

Bum: So then they run away with the mirror as they come across the Haunted Mansion and meet the great talking Rosie O' Donnell in a ball Leota. But unfortunately they get wished by Jack and Will to be with them at Greece. (Imitating Kelsey) Whoa thanks guys we're glad to be out of that mansion, now nothing the least bit scary could harm us now… (A Godzilla roar is heard again) OMG a hydra.

Bum: But Hercules gratefully fights the hydra along sides them but it turns out Kelsey ends up defeating the hydra herself instead of Hercules when he was suppose to. Bitch! But Hercules still takes the credit! Ha!

Bum: So then Jack Sparrow finds that one hot chick from the Hercules movie and he's like (imitating Jack Sparrow) I'm taking this babe with me. And Kelsey's like (imitating Kelsey) why? (Imitating Jack Sparrow) To do stuff to her, that's what pirates do, duh. But don't worry nothing happens.

Bum: So the mirror and Leota are changed into humans and they're like (Imitating the magic mirror and Leota) in order to get back home you have to find a door in Monstropolis from Monsters Inc. that will take you back. I've been to Monstropolis once. Over there I was Super Monster. Wait I wasn't suppose to reveal my secret identity! (The Bum rushes and a fast motion clip is shown of Superman spinning the Earth backwards in Superman The Movie. The Bum then comes back) There, oh wait! (The Bum then puts on glasses, obviously satirizing Clark Kent's glasses) There much better.

Bum: So next they end up at Neverland and get ambushed by Indians! (Imitating an actual Indian) Change for you yes, thank you come again. No, no not Indians, Native Americans… even though they're in Neverland. You know I never really got that, wouldn't they be called Neverlandians or something?

Bum: So they have rescue the Indian princess from Captain Hook along with Peter Pan, or else they BURN AT STAKE! You know for a land which is like a kid's dream come true it's very violent.

Bum: So they rescue the princess but Kelsey and Jack have to look for the Black Pearl because it was sunken. And it appears to be in Atlantis. Yeah another Disney movie!

Bum: So they meet up with the explorer team and Kesley's like (imitating Kelsey) can you help us get our ship back? And the leader of the team is like (Imitating Rourke) sure kid! (Imitating Kelsey) Hooray! (Imitating Rourke) Right after we steal the crystal form Atlantis, kill the king, trap you in a vault, and kidnap the princess. (Imitating Kelsey) Hooray, wait what? (Imitating Rourke as the Bum pretends to grab someone and lock them in a cage) Don't squirm kid.

Bum: But eventually Kelsey breaks out, gets the princess back, gets the crystal, defeats the douche general, and they all live happily ever after. Hooray! OR DO THEY? Well no, because they have to escape from a volcano.

Bum: But in the meantime Captain Hook blows up Peter Pan's house and kidnaps the Lost Boys and Emma. But eventually Kelsey comes and saves the day. And how does she arrive? She stole one of those flying fish thingies that are only method of transportation for the people of Atlantis. BITCH! What is up with her what did Disney kill her box. That's it Disney killed her box that she lived in! I know because Disney killed my box, they blew it up! Mickey you maniac! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Bum: So they save Neverland and the all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY? Well no they still have to go to Monstropolis.

Bum: So then they board the Black Pearl and they finally arrive in Monstropolis. But it was only a model. (A clip from Monthy Python and the Holy Grail is shown when King Arthur says "Sh!")

Bum: So then they get ambushed by those creepy suit guys from E.T. except their yellow and are monsters, and they chase them to the factory where they meet Mike and Sulley! And then they lie that they are a musical group and start performing a musical number. What is this, one of those Family Guy "Road to" episodes when there's a random musical number. We all know that Disney is known for not having musical numbers in their movies. The only one that did was Rock-a-Doodle!

Bum: But then a little girl named Boo is running around in the factory and gets caught by Barney the Dinosaur's gay cousin and Orson Welles if he was a spider! Kelsey and the others try to rescue Boo but they get pushed into a snow land where a snow monster comes, knocks them out cold, hangs them upside down in it's ice cave and eats their Tauntaun. Wait wrong story.

Bum: But then they make a sled and go to a village so they can return to the factory through a random kid's closet. I was in a random kid's closet once! He and his parents were so happy that his dad came and beat me up with a baseball bat like I was a piñata. I like being a piñata it happens to me everyday.

Bum: So they return to the factory and rescue Boo! Hooray! But the Disney villains show up because they want to get revenge on Kelsey! (Imitating Kelsey) Why are you guys after me, shouldn't you be after your mortal enemies? (Imitating the villains) Maybe we would leave you alone, if you stopped stealing our shit!

Bum: So then they have one last epic fight and Kelsey grabs Jafar's staff and is like (imitating Kelsey holding a staff sideways satirizing a gangster holding a gun sideways) Stand back motherfucker! And Jafar's like (imitating Jafar) You don't know how to use that, you have to believe, believe! And Emma is like (imitating Emma) You can do it Kelsey, I believe in you! (Imitating Kelsey) But I can't believe!