Disclaimer: I own nothing but the hair tie around my wrist.

Author's Notes: So... this is really weird, yeah? I never write in a style even relatively similar to this... odd, I know. But I got the inspiration from some fanfic. I don't remember which one, don't remember what happened, and I don't remember why.

So... I hope you like this out-of-the-blue and extremely odd style of writing for me, and review.

Aliss

Smashed

James Potter was almost positive he'd never been this ecstatic during the entire course of his short existence, including the multiple times his parents had gotten him the newest and best racing broomstick model available.

What, you may be wondering, could possibly elate this boy to the point of joining his best mate Sirius Black and young Dirk Cresswell in dancing on a table in the middle of the Gryffindor common room?

Perhaps, you suggest, he and his fellow Marauders are finally able to transform into animagi? Or perhaps they have finally completed their map of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade, more commonly known as the Marauder's Map? Or, absurd as it may seem, could his longtime fancy Lily Evans have finally agreed to accompany him on a trip to Hogsmeade the following weekend?

Two out of three plausible reasons isn't too bad, reader, unless you were to be graded, in which case you would fail. A 70 is not a satisfactory grade, not at all.

For you see, James and his fellow Marauders had in fact just become their animagi selves not yet a week ago, so assuming that James was thrilled about that would not be wrong—plausible reason number one (yet not the correct one); and indeed, the Marauder's Map had just been receiving its final touches, proving that once again your theory had basis—plausible reason number two (but still not right); but Lily Evans agreeing to a date with James Potter?

There, dear reader, is where you would be utterly and horribly wrong, for James Potter's longtime fancy Lily Evans was too busy throwing back drinks at a mysteriously resurrected drink table to accept a date with one James Potter. In fact, this author highly doubts she would have recognized James asking her out as James asking her out. For you see, uninformed reader, Lily Evans was inevitably—

Me oh my, why, I still have yet to reveal the totally un-girl related reason for James's current state of euphoria! Let me explain: James, being a member of the explicit Gryffindor Quidditch team, was in his current state of euphoria because that very same Gryffindor Quidditch team had won their game against Ravenclaw just an hour ago. But what made this victory especially sweet was the fact that their 360 point lead over a Ravenclaw 170 ensured them the Quidditch Cup, despite the fact that Hufflepuff had yet to play Slytherin. Gryffindor had a 480 point lead over all the other houses, and both Hufflepuff and Slytherin had no chance of snatching the Quidditch Cup unless they scored over 400 points in the up and coming match, which was a thing unheard of.

So, as you can clearly see, James Potter had reason to celebrate.

What's that you say, dear reader? You're wondering why Lily Evans wouldn't recognize James asking her out as James asking her out?

Why, the answer is quite obvious, my avid reader: The punch was spiked.

And what, you ask, does spiked punch have to do with Lily's competence levels?

You, lovely reader, need to do some re-reading! Perhaps searching the fourth paragraph again will help you recall…?

Yes, you're quite correct! Lily Evans was drinking the spiked punch, and was therefore quite smashed—or as smashed as Lily Evans could ever be.

Now of course, Lily Evans would never purposely drink so much as to become intoxicated, but when one watches Sirius Black dance, one can't help but want to drown away the memory.

But of course, dear reader, that wink was meant to signify a joke! Have you no sense of humor? Please, calm down! I agree, I agree, who would ever want to erase the memory of Sirius Black dancing from their mind?

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted (and yes, I mean you, reader!)… Lily Evans would never purposely drink so much as to become intoxicated, but when being pushed seemingly innocent punch by friends, it seemed unavoidable. What was she to do, refuse a seemingly innocent glass of punch and risk being called a prude? I think not!

What's that, you say? You wonder why I've even bothered to tell you this pointless story of an elated James Potter, a dancing Sirius Black, and a smashed Lily Evans? Well wait you one second, reader, and you might pause from interrupting me so that I might recall my place in our tale and give it meaning.

Thank you. Now, where was I?

Ah, yes…

Now, before I continue in the story, I'd like to shed some light on the back story of Lily Evans and James Potter.

Don't you give me that, reader! You may say you already know the back story of Lily and James in detail and that you have no wish to review it, but I'm here to tell you that you don't. You may think you know a detailed story of Lily and James, but you in fact do not. You do most certainly not know the real back story, but luckily enough I am here to inform you, you lucky reader you.

So, let us begin!

Firstly, we must recall that Lily Evans does most certainly not, in any way, shape, or form, like James Potter. She does not like the way he ruffles his hair, nor the way he hexes Slytherins, nor the way that he pranks anything and everything that moves, save for the ghosts (which would be rather difficult to prank) and Peeves (with whom a silent pact was made to stay out of the other's way). She does not like the way that he can get such excellent grades with so little work, nor the way that he can flatter his way out of trouble, nor especially the way that he constantly tries to gain her favor with a combination of the above things she does not like about him.

So, in summary, there are very few things that Lily Evans likes about James Potter.

As for James, though, there are many things that he likes about Lily. As you can recall, James has a bit of a crush on one Lily Evans. For instance, he happens to enjoy her dark red hair, her emerald green eyes, the way her eyes lit up with passion when she tells him off, and many other reasons that we shan't get into for fear of time.

So, in review: James likes Lily, while Lily does not like James.

What d'you mean you already knew that? Then why, for the love of Merlin, reader, didn't you just say so? Ugh…

Now, as I was saying… smashed Lily, dancing-on-table James… here we are.

Now, as many of you know (and still more of you can't remember), a dose of alcohol can do wonders, though not always of the good kind. As for Lily—well, she has yet to decide if what happened was a good or a bad thing. For as you're soon to see, Lily does crazy things that she might regret when under the influence of anything stronger than butterbeer.

So on with the story.

Lily's friends thought it would be quite funny to watch Prefect Evans throw back spiked drinks and egged her on as she did:

"Go on, then, Lily, have another!"

"One more won't hurt you; after all, we're sure to win the Quidditch Cup now!"

And of course, they then took advantage of her being more than a bit smashed—or as smashed as Lily Evans could be.

"Lily, why not head on over and congratulate our team captain?"

"Yeh, I'm sure he'd be right pleased to be applauded by a Prefect like you! You know how much he likes to be praised by authority figures…."

To which Lily replied: "Yes, right… excellent idea! I'll just, ah—go on over there and do that, then!"

And after pulling James off of the table by means of yanking on his rather sweaty Quidditch robes, Lily beamed at him and said, "You played brilliant!" before squashing her lips against his.

And despite the fact that she was smashed—or as smashed as Lily Evans could be—and smelled faintly of firewhisky, James still considered that the best moment of his existence—his first kiss with Lily Evans.

After pulling her lips away from James's, she grinned at him, patted him on the back, and walked away.

When Lily woke up the next morning, she had quite the recollection of what had happened the following evening, as well as a dull headache between her eyes. She recalled walking up to James, uttering what she would claim to be a horrible infraction of the English language, and pressing her lips against his. But what she recalled the most clearly was that it wasn't a very good kiss at all.

But, you ask, what did James make of this Quidditch-induced kiss?

Why, he claimed it was the best kiss of his life and that Lily Evans was bound to go out with him now! After all, she had kissed him.

Well, of course she said no! One little kiss would hardly change her opinion of James.

But while picking up discarded butterbeer bottles and sweets wrappers from around the common room the next morning with Lily Evans, James Potter was positive he'd never been that ecstatic during the entire course of his short existence.

FIN.