Author's Note: I don't even know what this is. So, uh, sorry to those of you who might have been expecting a decent piece of heart-warming Destiel or something. I'll post something soon, I promise!
My lovely (and slightly mad) friend tii-chan17 actually requested this fic as a joke, but I wrote it because a) I'm a flawless friend, and b) YOLO. So uh, yeah here we go, tii-chan. No death or angst or anything! Just pure, sickening fluff and a whole pile of ridiculous NONSENSE.
So, guys, please review if this fic... um... made you... um... please review regardless! (:
~Rainbow Fruit Loop xx
~An Unexpected Friend~
Castiel had never really had a best friend before. Sure, he had Dean, but Dean moaned if he ate the last piece of pie, or if he left his socks on the floor for more than a couple of hours. And there was Sam, of course, but he studied far too much, and he didn't like it when Castiel forwent his vegetables.
Castiel's best friend was called Christopher. Christopher was great – he didn't care how many unhealthy burritos Castiel consumed, and didn't tend to make a fuss about how late he woke up in the mornings. He happily ate all of Castiel's unwanted greens, and he never had any emotional problems that Castiel had to awkwardly try to help him through.
Christopher was a guinea pig.
He was very friendly for a guinea pig, though, Castiel had noticed. He had a lovely personality for a rodent, and it always made Castiel smile when he opted to sleep on his pillow – much to Dean's ever-increasing annoyance – as opposed to the bedding in his little, specially-purchased cage.
It had been true love when Castiel had first set eyes on Christopher. He had been poking around in a small, local pet shop, suspicious because Sam suspected that the owner was possessed by a demon. Thankfully, it had all been a bit of a misunderstanding, which came as a huge relief to Castiel because he would not have liked having to commit homicide in front of his new friend, even if she had been a demon.
Castiel had been on his way out of the shop, when he had been stopped by a timid little 'squeak' just near the door. He had turned to see where the noise had come from, and the sight of a tiny guinea pig with its paws pressed up against the mesh wiring of the cage had, metaphorically, of course, melted his heart.
He had stayed in the shop until just before closing time, playing with and stroking his new friend through the cold, completely unsuitable cage, ignoring the sign at the top that read, 'Do not touch'. It wasn't until the owner went to close the shop for the night that Castiel realised just how much time he had spent crouched uncomfortably on the cheap linoleum floor.
"We're closing the shop up now, so you have to leave. But you can buy him as a pet, you know." the woman had said gently, obviously having watched the way Castiel had been cooing at the animal. "He's not very expensive, and, by the looks of things, I'm sure you'll make a great owner."
Castiel's face had lit up in happiness then, because he hadn't even thought of purchasing his little friend. What fun they would have together – rolling in the grass and spying on Dean and other such activities that a guinea pig would surely enjoy.
"How much does he cost?" Castiel had asked hopefully, pulling a few scrunched-up notes out of his trenchcoat's pocket. "I have money." Of course, at the time, he had known that Dean had only given him that money so that he could pay for his bus ride home, but Castiel had been happy to walk if it meant he could purchase his little friend.
The woman had laughed, and had unlatched the cage, pulling the mild-mannered guinea pig out so that Castiel could properly stroke him. "This little guy is thirty five dollars."
Castiel had counted out his money painstakingly slowly, his face finally crumpling in distress when he had realised that he was at least ten dollars short. "I only have… twenty three dollars." he had admitted, stroking his fingers out across his friend's soft coat. "Can you hold him for me, and I'll come back tomorrow with the correct amount of money?"
It hadn't been an ideal situation. Castiel didn't want to be parted from his new buddy – what if the woman didn't hold him, and someone bought him? What if he ended up going to a stranger's house, where they surely wouldn't love and care for him as much as Castiel would?
The woman had laughed again, and Castiel had thought for one horrific moment that she was going to say no. Her face looked kind, sure, but Castiel had long ago stopped judging people's personalities by how often they smiled. "Don't worry about it honey, you can have him for twenty three."
Aside from hearing Sam say 'You're my best friend, Cas, I don't know what I'd do without you', and hearing Dean finally admit 'Hell, man, I think I've fallen in love with you', that sentence had been the very best thing that Castiel had ever heard.
It was on the way home, with the guinea pig sitting comfortably in his hands, a free bag of rabbit-and-guinea-pig food tucked under his arm, that Castiel had decided that his friend was going to be called Christopher. He had never met anyone with that name before, but he thought that it suited his cuddly little companion.
Christopher was a nice beige-y ginger colour, and he had large, expressive brown eyes that made some part of Castiel's increasingly human body turn to goo. He was a cheerful guinea pig with a particularly easy-going nature, which was definitely beneficial when living in the ever-busy Winchester household.
As he would have expected, Dean had certainly had his fair share of things to say when Castiel had wandered home that night.
"Dude, what did we tell you about picking things up from the side of the road?" Dean had been initially exasperated, and Castiel had covered Christopher's ears, not wanting his friend to hear such derogatory words directed at him. "Do you remember that one hedgehog, and how it almost gave you rabies or something?"
"Yes, I do remember Henry." Castiel had rolled his eyes, silently cursing his father up in Heaven for giving Dean an elephant-like memory. "But guinea pigs do not naturally exist in the wild. I bought Christopher from a pet shop, and I can assure you that he will not bite me."
"Yeah, well, that's what you said about that nasty-ass hedgehog though, right before he bit you, and then you were convinced that we had to go to the hospital because you thought you might need antibiotics through an intravenous drip." Dean had muttered darkly, but Castiel was sure that he would soon succumb to Christopher's unique, dandelion-scented charms.
Sam, of course, had been very interested in Castiel's fluffy new pet, and had only been half-joking when he said that Dean would get very jealous very quickly of how much attention Castiel was paying to the little guy.
"Where is he going to live?" Sam had asked a little while later, smiling as Christopher had squeaked out a happy, yet sadly foreign response. "Did you buy him a cage?"
"I will do." Castiel had said, glancing over at where Dean was bent over the kitchen sink, passive-aggressively denying any help as he washed the dishes from the night's dinner. "I might buy one from the internet, if you would help me, Sam."
"Yeah, yeah, of course." Sam's eyes had been laughing, and Castiel hadn't been quite sure why. Perhaps Sam just had a particular fondness for guinea pigs? Or perhaps his amusement had come from the thought of annoying Dean with his participation in Castiel's new hobby.
"Dean, are you sure you don't need any help?" Castiel had asked after Sam had moved away. "Do you want me to dry the dishes once you've washed them?"
"No, you and your new BFF don't need to help or anything. I'm quite fine on my own." Dean had muttered, scowling, but Castiel – still not quite understanding sarcasm and Dean's frequent use of it – had smiled cheerfully and wandered off with Christopher, ready to play a fun, yet not-at-all challenging game.
Three weeks after Christopher had become a part of the family, Castiel had attempted to undergo a mind-meld. He had heard all about Dean's experience with talking animals, and though it had, at first, sounded bizarre and somewhat threatening, he had decided that talking to Christopher would be great fun.
The foul concoction that Dean had begrudgingly made for him tasted absolutely disgusting – ten times worse than the food from that dodgy Mexican restaurant the three had gone to once – but it had been worth it in the end because Christopher had had a lot to say, mostly about grass and his love for tomatoes.
"What's he saying now?" Sam had asked, amusement evident in the way his eyes had lit up.
"He said that he likes your hair, and that he thinks it looks warm. Is it?" Castiel had asked, feeling bizarre as he listened to Christopher actually form English words. He wondered if maybe this was all some strange dream – had Dean maybe slipped something into his food?
"Uh, yeah, I guess so...?" Sam had sounded confused, and had soon wandered off, leaving Castiel to have a good gossiping session with Christopher, discussing both different types of celery, and the way Dean snored if he lay on his back for too long.
Sadly, they had decided not to do any more mind-melds after the unwelcome side effects had got too strong, and Castiel had noticed an overwhelming desire for dandelion leaves for dinner, and his every second word had come out as a high-pitched squeak.
It had made Dean laugh, though, which always made Castiel feel good. Unfortunately, Dean had been laughing at him rather than with him, but Castiel hadn't minded too much.
Christopher had been a part of Castiel's life for years – far longer than Castiel had thought when he wandered home that very first night, frozen to the bone but happy. Times and changed and people had come and gone, but Castiel knew that he could count on Christopher to be a constant variable in his life.
"Dude, we were supposed to be over at Sam and Rachel's like, half an hour ago. No matter what you do, he's not going to jump through that damn hoop." Dean said one Sunday morning, unable to stop the affectionate smile that tugged at his lips.
"He might." Castiel said stubbornly, his eyebrows furrowing as he concentrated on trying to lure Christopher through the hoop with a stick of celery. "He did it once, a few weeks ago. Do you remember?"
Dean rolled his vivid green eyes, and sat down next to Castiel, his arm wrapping around his waist lazily. "Yeah, I remember, because you didn't come to bed until three in the morning, and then you woke me up to tell me what he did. And he didn't really 'jump', did he, he just sort of… waddled through it. He's pretty fat, actually."
Christopher certainly was a well-fed piggy.
Castiel looked away from Christopher then, his face turning slightly pink at the memory of his over-enthusiastic excitement at what couldn't really be considered an achievement. He pressed a quick kiss to Dean's jaw, smiling as his lips brushed against Dean's stubbly skin. "Sorry. But it was a big break-through for us, wasn't it, Christopher?"
Christopher squeaked happily in response, and Castiel smiled – knowing that his furry little friend had to be the most loved guinea pig on the entire planet. Even Dean had a bit of a soft spot for him – he kept it well hidden, of course, but Castiel had seen him scratching Christopher's ears and feeding him the broccoli he hadn't wanted to eat himself.
"You do know the Guinea Pig Olympics aren't actually a thing, right?" Dean chuckled to himself, his voice like melted toffee in Castiel's ear. "You're a little bit crazy, you know, Cas. The crazy guinea pig guy."
Castiel smiled, his eyes not moving from where Christopher was stubbornly munching on a spinach leaf, refusing to even acknowledge the sparkly gold hoop Castiel kept prodding him with. "That's why you love me, isn't it?"
"That and a thousand more things." Dean's eyes were soft, and Castiel was about to say something equally as heart-felt and touching in reply, when Christopher squeaked again, insistent and demanding.
"I think he wants some more of that carrot I made you grate for him." Castiel mused, stroking his finger across the top of Christopher's furry little head. "Do we have any more?"
Dean pulled away from Castiel with an amused huff, and then stood up and stretched, his bones clicking loudly. "No, we don't. I wanted to use the last of them in the stir-fry you'll be cooking for dinner, but you made me feed it to his greedy little majesty over there."
"Dean! Don't be so rude to Christopher!" Castiel chided lightly, clamping his hands over the startled-looking guinea pig's ears. "He'll get offended, and then he'll never jump through the hoop. It'll be your fault if he never does any tricks again."
Dean chuckled fondly, rolling his eyes. "Okay, okay. Tell you what. Why don't we go over to Sam and Rachel's for lunch and apologise for being indecently late, and then we can pick up some carrots – and, if you're good, maybe some of that expensive lettuce."
Castiel considered Dean's proposition for a second, his head cocked in thought, before he nodded and stood up, picking Christopher up and putting him in his luxurious cage as he did so.
"Okay, Dean. But only if Christopher can come with us too. You know that Sam will want to see him. Because, unlike someone I'm not going to mention, he actually cares about how Christopher and I are getting on with our tricks and whatnot."
"Yeah, I'm sure he does." Dean nodded seriously, his face betraying how much he wanted to laugh at Castiel's attempt at a little dig. "Okay, we're seriously running so late, so make sure his highness has his celery and his... water or whatever, and let's go."
"Okay, okay, Dean, don't get your knickers all twisted."
Dean chuckled under his breath, and headed off in the direction of the door. "It's 'knickers in a twist', Cas. Now, please, hurry up. Sam's going to kill me, and it'll be that damn guinea pig's fault."
Castiel smiled, and then looked down at Christopher. He'd be lost without his guinea pig friend.