Whispers In the Dark of Night
Will! I wake up with a jolt. I'm coated in a thin gloss of sweat, my eyes are filled with terror, and my heart is pounding at my chest harder than hell. It's the usual nightmare about Will that keeps me up. It kills me to think that if Will were divergent everything would be different. He would be alive, Christina would still be able to smile without looking pained, and I wouldn't be permanently sleep deprived. I turn on my side to see Tobias sleeping, his body rising and falling as he breathes in the brisk night air. I wish I could sleep that easily and peacefully. Whenever I close my eyes I see myself shooting Will, him falling to the ground, and the look in Christina's eyes when she found out he was dead. It replays over and over in my mind like a broken record. I can't stand to stay inside for any longer. I quietly sneak out of bed, pull on my black jacket that I got on the first day of initiation, and slip through the half open door avoiding the creaky floor boards in the attempt to not disturb Tobias. I stumble around aimlessly looking for some way to escape my awful nightmare and fix everything that I have broken. I stop dead in my tracks as I see Peter sitting on the cold concrete drinking some sort of beer with his feet dangling over the chasm. He stands up and looks over the edge as if he is about to jump. I see him take a few deep breaths and look around as if taking in the world one last time. He is trying to get away from the world just as Al did. "Stop! Don't jump!" I croak. "Why? What's the point of living in this world anymore? Nobody wants me here. I want to do this. It it's the right choice." Though as he says it his voice falters and from the look in his eyes, he's terrified. Even Peter is vulnerable at times. "Just sit back down. Don't do something stupid, Peter. You would regret it." I say as calmly as I can. I can't handle another Al. "And why should I listen to a stiff?" He spits out the last word in his usual tone. I tiptoe up beside him and fall to my knees. "I know how you feel. I do, I really do." I whisper the last part of my sentence, "Iv thought about it to." I have never shared that piece of information with anybody, not even Tobias. He looks at me through furrowed eyebrows, clearly conflicted as to if he should sit down next to me or fire off cruel insults. He pauses for a moment mid squat then plops down fully beside me. "Your not alone." I whisper. He frowns not exactly at me, more to himself; perhaps he is wondering why he is sitting next his archenemy. He opens his mouth about to say something, but then decides against and closes his mouth awkwardly. After a few minutes, he whispers, "I don't understand why life is so damn difficult." He says. "One second you've got everything figured out but then god decides nope he looks to sure of himself, better throw something into his life that'll confuse him for sure." "Peter," I begin. "What's confusing in your life?" "Well for starters, why the hell am I talking to a Stiff? And secondly I feel like ever since the beginning of Dauntless Initiation I felt like I actually belonged somewhere, but now the factions are falling apart and I fear that I may never find a place like the dauntless compound again, a place where I'm actually good at something. And I'm confused about…you." "Me?" What is Peter going on about? How is he confused about me? "Uhhh," He starts awkwardly, "Well you know that time when I saved your life in the erudite compound?" I nod my head. "Ever since then I've been turning soft, almost turning into a good person." I laugh a little at that. But secretly, I understand what he is saying. It's hard to accept change even when it is for the better. "Don't laugh, Stiff. I'm just worried that where ever I go people will still see me as the mean Peter no matter how much I have changed. You know?" "Peter, that's a consequence that you're just going to have to deal with, but who cares what they think. Fill your life with people who can only see the good side of you. And ever so gradually things will fall into place and you will feel like you belong somewhere again. Anyways I better get going. I don't want Tobias to be worried." I rise and start to walk away from Peter but he grabs my arm and looks me in the eye and says, "Hey thanks, Stiff. Your right I would have made a huge mistake." For once Peter actually seems genuine. Maybe things are going to be all right. It wont be easy, but it will happen. Eventually things will fall into place and I will feel like I belong somewhere again. My advice didn't just rein true for Peter, but also for my self.