Yeah, this is quite out there. It's sort of a mix between Harry Potter and the awesome Mormon comedy "The Singles Ward". Please don't get offended. Anyone. Just read it for what it is.
Voldemort was feeling depressed. Yes, he had a body again, and he could touch that Potter brat, but he still wasn't quite ready to bring back his plan to conquer the world.
Potter had escaped. He had probably told Dumbledore everything.
There was only one place for Voldemort to go while he continued to gain power. A place where even Dumbledore couldn't find him.
That placed was Provo, Utah.
Voldemort liked Provo. He had once thought that he was the most evil creature in the world. But that was before he discovered Mormon jell-o: green gelatin filled with sliced carrots. Now that was evil.
But even after a few weeks in Provo, he was still depressed. He took Prozac, but it didn't help. There had to be more to life than seeking immortality and taking over the world.
That's when the elders showed up. Two acne-faced teenage boys showed up on his doorstep one day.
"We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints," said one of them. "I'm Elder Jared Phelps and this is my companion Elder Ben Taylor."
Really confused, Voldemort led them inside. His pet snake Nagini "Snowflake" tried to eat them at first, but then she and Elder Taylor became bestest friends.
They gave Voldemort a copy of the Book of Mormon. He read it. A month later, after repentance, prayer, and soul-searching, he was baptized. He had to give up being an evil wizard, though, but that was okay, because he got to be a nursery leader instead!
Those kids were really evil. They spit up and drooled and Voldemort had to change their diapers and feed them snacks. But that's okay.
Since he didn't have a career as an evil wizard anymore, Voldemort went to BYU. He moved into an apartment and joined a singles ward. The Singles Ward was the scariest, most evil place he had ever seen! So of course he liked it. He even played offense for the basketball team.
Church basketball was a violent battle for Voldemort. It reminded him of the fight he had with Harry Potter, but the struggle of the wands was nothing compared to this. Voldemort had to go to the hospital after each game.
A year later, Voldemort decided to go on a mission himself. He felt a little uncomfortable in doing so, after all the evil he had done, but after long discussions with his bishop and stake president and long hours of prayer and fasting, he decided it was the right thing to do.
He was very excited when his call came. His roomies gathered around him, waiting to find out where he'd go.
He opened the envelope and read the call. "Boise, Idaho," he breathed. "Wow."
He served an honorable mission, with only one incident where an ex-death eater tried to get his autograph. Then he came home and became bishop of the singles ward.
The End.