Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is the work of mangaka Rumiko Takahashi. This is a work of fan fiction, and is not to be taken seriously.

Live Like It's 1995: A Fic by Warlord1096

Chapter 1: Party Like It's 1995

The sound from the boomboxes reverberated through the house, belting out the top hits of 1994 in a super countdown to the stroke of midnight. As 1994 died and 1995 slowly approached, the teens of Nerima partied the year away at the house of the extremely loaded young man who was –

Er, Ranma couldn't remember who the host of the party was. He'd been meaning to turn down the invitation and spend the evening practising anyway, but his friends had insisted that he make an appearance, at least.

Of course, the real reason he'd come was that Akane had received an invitation of her own and had been thrilled to be asked to attend such a 'rad' event. Ranma had no idea what the word meant, but he believed that it had something to do with the weather, because he'd also heard it be pronounced 'the coolest party of the year!' Which made sense, since it was being held in December.

Mr. Tendo had caved to Akane's request to attend as soon as she brought out the Puppy Dog Eyes Finishing Move, while Nabiki hadn't bothered to ask for permission. The Tendo patriarch had initially been hesitant at what he'd called 'the new-fashioned traditions of kids these days', but had finally relented on Ranma's promise that he would, in Soun's words, 'accompany his delicate flower and make sure that no boy besmirched her honour on this most glorious night.'

Of course, Akane had not taken nicely to that sentiment, which meant that Ranma had been subjected to the mallet of doom and a sightseeing trip of Nerima via the aerial route. He'd returned just in time for a taste of the toshikoshi soba, and even though he'd never admit it, he'd enjoyed participating in the experience with both the Saotome and the Tendo families.

Of course, his good mood was helped by the fact that someone had exchanged his soap for another of the special, waterproof variety as a mark of goodwill on this happy day. He had a sneaking suspicion that it had been Shampoo, but he didn't want to think about how she'd got into the bathroom, or what she'd gotten an eyeful of while she was in there.

And there was absolutely no way that Ranma would be able to confirm this notion, because he hadn't talked to either Shampoo or Ukyo for several weeks now, and even his communication with Akane was rather stilted. The failed marriage was on everybody's mind, most of all his, even though he couldn't help but be grateful for the shaky peace that had been established in its wake.

Even the adults had backed off, especially after the priest had discovered that Ranma had been drugged at the beginning of the ceremony and threatened to call in the authorities if he saw either the Saotome or Tendo families near an altar anytime in the next few months. Ranma had never kissed anyone of his own volition, but he'd come pretty close with that priest right then, gender-confusing curse be damned.

Which was why Ranma was having the most peaceful time he'd had since his arrival at Nerima, and he'd made sure that he'd put on a good show the next time Nabiki had tried to secretly take his photographs while he was changing. Even though he was never going to acknowledge it, the girl had done him a huge favour by screwing the wedding up. Even now, Ranma didn't know how he felt about any of his fiancés, especially the one whose roof he lived under.

"SAOTOME!" The drunken yell right next to his ear made Ranma jump almost a foot in the air, and he barely managed to restrain himself from kicking the assailant's head clean off his shoulder. "You little pussy, are you brooding in the corner again?"

Ranma's classmate Toji came into view, weaving slightly from the influence of several cans of beer. "Don't ya dare cast an aura of gloom over my party, ye rat bastard!" Ah, so this was the guy whose mansion they were in.

"- you just gotta live, ya know? And party like it's 1995! Yeah, baby, PARTY!" Toji was shouting. The boy raised his can of beer and received a rousing cheer from the room in return.

Ranma shook his head in amusement, letting the slights on his manhood pass since Toji was obviously inebriated, and the Saotome heir wasn't. "Don't ya think you've had enough of that, Kana?" he smirked and jerked his head in the direction of the drink in Toji's hand.

"What, are ya mad? I think you haven't had enough of it, Saotome! OY, somebody give this man a drink!"

Ranma, with reflexes born of years of training, managed to catch the can tossed his way neatly out of the air. Toji eyed the entire display sadly.

"And that, Saotome, is why you're not allowed in any of the games." Ranma grinned again, but didn't complain. He was pleasantly surprised to find out that he'd actually been having fun at the event, and he'd been even more surprised to find out that he did have other friends with whom he could spend time with. He had initially been depressed, but Hiroshi'd told him that he wouldn't mind being left out of Gosunkugi's circle wank.

Ranma had pouted for a moment, thinking that it sounded like a pretty cool finishing move. Ranma had a one-track mind.

Toji was now eyeing him and the beer beadily, an air of expectation hanging about him. Ranma shook his head, but popped the can. Toji continued to eye him. Rolling his eyes, Ranma took a sip and managed not to grimace at the bitter taste.

"Ay, that's the stuff! Can we have a cheer for Furinkan High's very own private hero, Ranma fucking Saotome?!"

Another roar passed around the room, only this time, the word on everybody's mouth was 'RANMA!'

And that was another thing. Ranma would never have expected it, but he was actually popular in school. People cared about him – they came up to him and exchanged words with him, even when he had no idea who the hell they were. Though he'd started out resolutely, he'd eventually given up trying to remember their names, despite the facts that the girls seemed strangely insistent that he remember theirs.

Poor Ranma was desperately behind when it came to flirting. That was soon about to change.

He absently raised the drink to his mouth and took another sip, making another face as the taste snapped him out of his thoughts. With a sigh, he rested the can on a desk next to him and took up his post at the corner of the room again.

Akane was probably on the other side of the mansion with the girls – it was hard to tell in a house this large. Even Ranma, who held very little stock in material possessions, could not deny that he was impressed by the grandeur of the house.

His thoughts drifted momentarily to Ukyo, who could probably be here as well. He definitely wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall for the confrontation in case she came across Akane.

"Think fast!"

Ranma didn't bat an eyelash. Faster than possible for most human beings, his fist flashed out and collided with –

A watermelon?

Ranma's eyes twitched a bit at the sight of the pink slush on his hand, but a wave of delight passed around the room.

"I told ya he'd destroy it without looking!"

"No way, man! That's so awesome!"

"Oy Ranma, can you do that again?" The last was Hiroshi, and this puzzled Ranma somewhat. He knew quite well that his friend was quite aware of his skill in the martial arts.

And then he recognized the glint in Hiroshi's eyes as one he'd seen in Nabiki's far too often, and everything clicked in place.

"Of course I can," he boasted, even though he wasn't sure it would count as bragging if it was completely true.

The second watermelon came whizzing from his left, and promptly ended up all over the walls and the carpet. His feat was greeted with another cheer, and Ranma couldn't help but preen a bit under all the adulation.

He turned around, spreading his arms in an open challenge. Another item came shooting at him from behind, and without even turning around, he kicked his leg upwards and smashed the vase that had been thrown.

He felt guilty when he looked at the obviously expensive crystal now in pieces on the floor, but Toji was cheering just as hard as the rest of them. The guys surged forward and crowded around him, showering him with praise and thinking up weirder things for him to do.

"Ay, Saotome, that's the stuff! Someone give the bastard another beer!" And before he knew it, there was another drink in his hand. Pressed with the expectant gazes of his peers around him, Ranma couldn't help but take another pull.

"Ye sunavabitch, is that any way to have a drink?" Ranma raised his eyebrows at that comment, as another boy pushed his way to the front of the crowd. He immediately caught the eye thanks to the mixture of blond hair, blue eyes and Japanese features. "If you gotta fight like a man, you gotta drink like a man!"

He was met with a roar of approval, and Ranma was suddenly being egged on with yells of 'Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!'

He didn't know if it was the heat of the moment or the admiring gazes, but Ranma Saotome was never one to back down from a challenge. With an exuberant flourish and a yell of 'Cheers!', he gulped the entire can down in one go.

Brilliant warmth shot through his body and down his nerves, which was amazing considering the fact that the beer had been quite chilled. Caught on the unexpected high, Ranma joined in with the yells of the other boys as he jumped down for the table.

"That's more like it!" the strange boy fought his way to Ranma's side and handed him another beer. "I've heard all about ye, Ranma – I'm Toji's cousin from the States, Shino!"

Ranma wrinkled his nose a bit as he thought of what he knew of Americans – they were loud and drank a lot. So far, he was two for two.

"So, Ranma," Shino was saying, nudging him in the ribs, "got a squeeze?"

"He's got three, the lucky bastard!" came the prompt reply from somewhere to his left, making Shino look quite impressed.

"Three? Saotome, you dog, and here I thought all Japs were traditional and stuff – "

"It's not really like that," Ranma tried to explain. Shino only gave a very indiscrete wink and elbowed him in the ribs again. Ranma considered caving his in.

"I know exactly what you mean, Saotome! So tell me, you done it yet?"

A hush descended on the room, and suddenly all the attention was on Ranma again. He found himself wishing that he hadn't come after all, especially when somebody else shouted out, "Come on, answer the question!"

"This guy?" The smell of beer washing over his nose marked the arrival of his other friend, Daisuke. "Saotome may not look like it, but he's got less experience than a nun! He hasn't even kissed his fiancés yet!"

The silence, if possibly, grew even more ominous. Shino was mouthing the word 'fiance' over and over again, as if he were trying to wrap his brains around the concept.

"Thanks a lot, Dai," Ranma replied, gritting his teeth. He was out of here now -

And then Toji and Shino burst into loud, theatrical tears.

"We have failed on of our own, Toji!"

"Have we ever, Shino! To see one of our most eminent brothers in such a horrible state!"

The two of them paused to take gulps of beer between their sobs, and continued to lament Ranma's failed manhood.

"But we still have time, cousin mine!"

"Indeed, we must enlighten our dear friend Ranma!"

"TO THE MAN CAVE!"

And before he could protest, Ranma was being dragged along by the duo into a room off the main corridor.

The party resumed hesitantly behind them, whispers travelling around the room about Ranma and his dysfunctional sex life.

In one corner of the ceiling, a tiny shadow quivered in laughter at the fruition of his plans. And then Happosai, master manipulator, super pervert, but all-round good guy (in his own opinion), scurried off like an overgrown spider to the girls' party to gather his New Year's haul.

Ranma, for his part, was thrown onto the bed and seated in front of the television.

"Out with it, Saotome! Tell us everything you know, and hold nothing back!"

Ranma was flabbergasted. The room had no windows that he could escape out of, and the only door was behind the duo's back.

There's always the wall, Ranma reasoned.

"Come on, Ranma, there's no need to be shy. We're all bros here, aren't we?" The way they spoke the word, with that mix of secretiveness and awe, sent an inexplicable shiver down Ranma's spine. It penetrated to his very core and resounded with the united spirit of camaraderie within him that all men share – that bond that is irrevocably formed when every man first holds his penis and realizes that it's meant for something other than taking a piss, too.

The word held a tinge of destiny.

"Yes, that's right. You feel it too, don't you, Saotome?"

"Your acceptance into the holy brotherhood of manliness is nigh, my friend. But first, you must tell us all." Where had Toji found a priest outfit?

"Right! Tell us! Self-love, at least you've got that, right?"

Ranma only looked at them confusedly. There was a split second's silence, before realization dawned on the two cousins and they sank to their knees.

Before he could protest, their arms were around his midsection in surprisingly strong grips. "Forgive us, Ranma. We have failed you, wandering around the school and having extremely confused wanks about Miss Hinako while you blundered around alone in the path to darkness."

"We will never breathe a word of your shortcomings to another, Ranma," Shino breathed, a fanatical gleam in his eyes. "We will take this secret to the grave, to protect your reputation like a true friend should. But allow us to show you the light, brother."

"You mean?" Toji turned to his cousin in shock, who pulled a tape out of his sleeve and showed it to Ranma.

"Yes. It's time for a crash course in Men's Paradise Special: The Secret to being the Manliest Man!" That caught Ranma's interest.

"Sounds interesting," Ranma commented, finally finding his feet in this weird conversation, "like the Art of War and stuff, yeah?"

The two exchanged quick looks before giving quick, insincere nod. "Yes, exactly like that," Toji said, "let me just put it on for you." His hands were shaking, his spirit in danger of imploding upon itself as he realized just how badly they'd failed Ranma, Ranma of the D-cup breasts who'd protected their school's reputation throughout the year and caused many a boy to fall into deep self-doubt after a muddled climax.

"And after that," Shino pulled out a scroll from the other sleeve, "you must read this, brother, and complete your journey into manhood. But remember, it should be only after you've seen the video – or else nothing will make sense."

The killer instinct that all martial artists possessed could feel the aura coming off the scroll, and Ranma suddenly felt that he was standing on a nadir, a nadir below which lay a terrifying abyss. This scroll was destiny, it was a jump off that brink, off that point of no return, and these two were willing to guide him through it. Through that unknown beyond which lay the meaning of life.

Ranma, so burnt out and listless after his fight with Saffron, could sense his purpose again. It was in that roll of paper in Shino's hand. He'd never been more sure of anything.

"You – you guys," Ranma suddenly felt strangely teary, though he'd vehemently deny that the second beer he'd finished over the course of their conversation had anything to do with it. "You'd help me out like this?"

"It is our duty." Toji had finished setting everything up for him, and Shino had placed the scroll to his left.

"Make us proud, brother." Shino through one last look at him before retreating from the room with Toji, the door clicking shut behind him.

And the haze lifted from over his eyes, making him able to think clearly again. He immediately recognized the touch of Happosai's chi, so distinct because of its overpowering impression of lust. This was a trap, some sort of spell by the old man.

Outside the door, Toji and Shino came to their senses as a grey haze cleared from their eyes and left their pupils clear. They made to turn around and re-enter the room, but were sent on their way by two sharp jabs from Happosai, who made sure that they remembered nothing of the last fifteen minutes.

Ranma, for his part, was about to charge out of the room and confront the old lecher, when he was distracted by the soft music coming from the TV.

There was a beautiful lady on the screen, and she was as naked as the day she was born. Ranma's jaw dropped open, and he instinctively raised his hands to protect against a mallet coming out of nowhere.

But there was no Akane to distract him here, and Ranma watched spellbound as the lower legs of a man entered the screen. And she was taking off his pants…and there was a…a…and she was putting her hands on it, and Ranma's own hands were sliding down his pants to touch his own…and there was a heat pooling in his stomach like nothing he'd felt before.

Ranma watched the mysteries behind all creation unfold before his eyes as he lay back onto the bed and shucked off his pants like a man possessed. All the secrets to the universe were laid bare to him, and his hands were moving on their own in the oscillatory motion that is comes so instinctively to all men…

Ranma collapsed onto the pillows five minutes later, his eyes unseeing and his heart thumping like it was trying to break out of his ribcage. He had just…he had just…

And the woman was speaking, and she was explaining things to him, and of course that bo staff went in there – how had he, as a martial artist, ever not understood?

And she was now demonstrating, moaning out words of encouragement to him, to Ranma Saotome, and his hands were drifting inexorably southwards again –

Three times Ranma rode the waves in quick succession, his hands rising and falling like a ship caught in a typhoon. And the storm was real, and it was within him, roaring through him, like a pounding in his ears and a volcano in his belly, and then his vision was flashing a brilliant white – white -

Ranma knew sex.

He lay there shivering, wondering how he'd never done this before, how he'd never known of this miraculous act. Absently he found a box of tissues Toji had left behind and wiped himself clean, but his thoughts were sluggish and his mind was so…damn…peaceful.

He understood now. Of course Akane was so angry all the time. Of course Shampoo jumped him every day. Of course Ukyo hugged herself close to him whenever they met. He had failed them, all of them. He had pushed them away and never taken what they offered, when in reality he should have traced his hands over their…and arc his fingers over…and rub…

New images assaulted his mind, of Akane climbing out of the furo, of Shampoo jumping him in the hot springs, of Ukyo rubbing herself against him and claiming she was cold.

Ranma threw his arms to the sides, a Buddha-like smile growing on his face. Everything was so clear now, everything made so much sense. The tension that he'd been carrying around with him ever since Saffron; no, since he'd come to Nerima was gone, leaving behind only Moksha. Only Nirvana.

Ranma was happy.

His hands scraped over something rough, and idly, he picked up the scroll and then remembered the rest of his instructions. Curiosity sparked at the back of his mind, and he rolled it open.

A golden glow washed over Ranma as the paper unrolled, and like a magnet, his eyes were drawn to the three words emblazoned in bold at the top.

THE BRO CODE

And Ranma's eyes slid downwards, not knowing that his life was about to change forever.

#1. Bros –

There it was again, that stirring within his chest. His eyes, in super slow motion, almost like he were the hero of some cheesy comedy anime, continued to read the words.

Before hoes.

Ranma shut his eyes. A lone tear leaked out the corner of his left eye and slipped past his ear onto the pillow.

Ranma was home.

A/N: You know you gotta review this.