The Buffy Horror T.V. Show
Cast:
Buffy- Herself and Janet
Xander- Himself and Brad
Spike- Himself and Riff Raff
Willow- Herself and Columbia
Anya- Herself
Angel- Frank N Furter
Giles- Himself and The Narrator
Drusilla- Magenta
Oz- Eddie/ Dr. Scott
Rocky- Riley
Note: The reader should be familiar with both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
The characters will sometimes be themselves and sometimes be the Rocky Horror character they are portraying. You will know the difference by the names they call each other. Won't apply too much to 1st part of story.
The same warnings and explanations of other fan fiction applies, yatta yatta.
ENJOY!
Scene 1: At Buffy and Willow's apartment.
Buffy: Boy, am I glad we decided on having a movie night instead of going out.
Willow: I know. It's raining cats and dogs outside. Well, it could be...
Buffy: Willow, don't even go there. I like my rain wet, not furry.
Willow: Just saying. Where's Xander and Anya?
Buffy: Oh, Xander went to rent the movie and Anya is buying popcorn and candy.
Willow: Oh. Where's Dawn?
Buffy: She's at her friend's house. For REAL this time. I already called to double check.
Willow: Oh, that's good.
(Loud bang outside of the house)
Willow: What was that? (Goes to the door to check it out) Xander, is that you?
Xander: Ow, yeah. This package weighs a ton.
(Buffy comes to the door and helps Xander carry it in)
Buffy: I thought you were just renting a video.
Xander: I was, but the guy at the video store told me that it was more fun watching when using props and dressing up. Audience Participation or something.
(Door is pushed opened by one pissed off Spike)
Spike: No you ninny, you use that stuff when you go to see it in the actual movie theater.
Buffy: (In a very sarcastic tone) Oh, I'm so glad that you're here to join us.
Spike: You were last night.
Buffy: Look, what was done is done.
Spike: Oh, very convincing. This must be the 100th time you've said that.
(Xander interupts)
Xander: Okay, not going to ask and assume we're talking about patroling.
Willow: Um, where's Anya?
Xander: I don't know. I thought she came back already. Should we start the movie without her?
Willow: Um, what movie is it, anyway?
Spike: The Rocky Horror Picture Show, of course. What other movie uses props like these and audience participation?
Buffy: Oh, I've never seen it.
Spike: You mean to tell me that you're a Rocky Horror virgin? I suppose the rest of you have never seen it either. Great for some "ideas," if you know what I mean.
(Willow has already looked in the video bag)
Willow: From the looks of it, it looks, um, unique.
Xander: If you want, I can get another video.
Spike: No, that won't be necessary. Rocky Horror is an excellent movie for a dark, stormy night. Especially with such (looks at Buffy and speaks with a hint of sarcasim in his voice) a lively group.
Buffy: Well, who said you could join us?
Spike: Already here. Might as well stay.
Willow: Forget about the movie for a second. I'm getting worried about Anya. Maybe I'd better do a location spell.
(Buffy and Xander speak at the same time)
No! No more spells.
Willow: Okay, I won't use magic! It's not like all my spells turn out to be disasters.
Xander: Not even gonna comment.
(Banging on the door followed by a loud shriek)
Anya: Guys, let me in!
(Buffy rushes to door and lets Anya in)
Buffy: What took you so long? We were getting worried.
Anya: I was walking here, when I saw a rabid bunny outside. It chased me and made me drop the groceries. I spent an hour trying to ditch it. Then, I had to go and buy more food.
Ooooo, we're watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show? I remember seeing it in the theater.
Spike: Can you believe that none of them have ever even seen it?
Anya: Oh, that's too bad. Xander, you can learn a lot from this movie if you know what I mean.
Xander: Okay, now I'm offically disturbed. I think I understand everything that's going on. You know what? I'll go pop the popcorn.
Anya: No, it's okay honey. I wouldn't want you to miss any of the movie. You guys can start it while I pop the popcorn.
(Xander groans)
Spike: Alright, now let the show begin.
Scene 2: After they finish the movie.
Buffy: That was, interesting.
(Spike sneers)
Spike: Learn anything, pet?
(Xander groans)
Xander: Anya, I want you to know that I love you and will try many things, but fishnets are out.
Spike: (Very sarcastic) Oh, that a shame. The thought of you in fishnets really turns me
on.
Buffy: I bet it does.
Spike: You know, fishnets would make your legs look incredibly sexy.
Buffy: Yeah, and I'm sure they'd have the same affect on you.
Xander: Okay, mental picture out of my head. I don't think I've been as disturbed since that mental image of Willow and Oz playing Mistress of Pain.
(Awkward silence. Everyone stares at him)
Xander; Did I just say that outloud?
Willow: Yes you did.
Xander: Oh. Dammit, Willow.
Willow: Dammit Janet.
Xander: Great, now I'm quoting from Rocky Horror.
Willow: I really enjoyed it, actually. Don't Dream It, Be It. Wow, I think I may have a new favorite movie.
Buffy: You were right Anya. It's always the quiet ones.
Willow: I'm serious. In fact we all could relate to these characters. Hey, that gives me an idea.
Buffy: Don't even go there.
Willow: Relax, it's just a tiny, harmless spell. All it does it observe everybody's personalities and designate them with the character they are the most like.
Xander: I don't know.
Willow: Trust me, it'll be fun.
Spike: Yeah, Xander. I bet he's afraid he'll be the most like Brad.
Anya: Spike does have a point.
Xander: Okay, I am so not like Brad. First of all, I'm straight.
Spike: Come on Xander, don't be in denial.
(Xander ignores comment)
Xander: Second of all, I'm way cooler than Brad. Tighty whiteys? Come on. Third of all, I don't wear glasses.
(Spike rolls his eyes)
Spike: Whatever you say, Bra... I mean Xander.
Anya: You know what guys? I'm going to pop some more popcorn.
(She leaves the living room and goes to the kitchen)
(By this time, Willow has already found the spell that she wants)
Buffy: No, don't!
Willow: Sorry Buffy, but I really want to do this.
Allow us to see which character is most like me
Include our past, whatever you desire to cast
Show us the way...
(The T.V. becomes blurry, and Spike, Willow, Xander and Buffy are sucked in. Anya is still in the kitchen)
Anya: Guys? Hey guys, did I miss something? Hey, Rocky Horror is on again. Might as well watch it.
Scene 3: The Wedding
(The characters of "Brad and Janet" are at their best friend's wedding. However, they are now being portrayed by Xander and Buffy)
Xander: What are we doing here?
Buffy: (In a scared voice) I don't know.
(Anya chokes on her popcorn)
Anya: Oh no, Willow must have done her spell, and it sucked them into the movie. I wonder if they'll become the characters of Brad and Janet or just be in the same situations as themselves.
Xander: Buffy, how the hell did we get here?
Buffy: I guess it was... wait, I forgot.
(Xander bumps into a tree)
Xander; Ow, I can't see anything.
Buffy: Here, put these on. (Gives him a big, thick pair of glasses)
Xander: Thanks. Hey Janet?
Buffy: Yes Brad?
Xander: I've got something to say.
Buffy; Uh huh?
Xander: I really love the skillful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet.
Buffy: Oh, Brad.
(The song continues while Anya watches)
Anya: Hey, that's my future husband! You can't propose to Buffy. Watch out, here I come! (She jumps into the T.V. just when the song ends and the narrator begins to speak)
Scene 4: The Narrator's Office
Anya: Damn, just missed them. (See's a door in the narrator's office and tries to open it, but it won't open. She sits grumpily on the floor.)
Anya: This sucks! It's bad enough that Xander proposed to Buffy, but now I won't even be able to have sex and orgies with everyone at the mansion. I don't even have a character! I'm stuck with the narrator until I can find a way out of here. Wait a second, who's the Narrator? Is it the real one or whoever we know most like him? Uh oh....
(Giles enters the room with a book)
Giles: Anya, what are we doing here?
Anya: Willow did a spell that caused all the people we have known or know to become the Rocky Horror character we're most like or something like that.
Giles- Oh great, not another spell!
Anya- Giles, what do we do?
Giles- I don't know, I honestly don't know.
Anya- Great, just great. Giles? (no response). Hey, Giles?
Giles- I would like, if I may to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and his fiancee, Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary healthy kids, left Denton that late November evening to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex. tutor and now friend to both of them. It's true, there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and embulous to all of which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but they being normal kids and on a night out. Well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out, it was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.
(Anya groans)
(To be continued)
Scene 5: The Car Ride
[] is when Anya is talking to the T.V.
Anya is sitting in the narrator's office and spots a T.V. She turns it on and it shows The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Buffy and Xander playing Brad and Janet)
Anya: Without the scooby gang, how the hell will we get out of here? Oooooo, T.V. (See's who's on it) Well, if I can't join them or get us out of here, I might as well them. Hey, there's still audience participation.
(The resignation speech of Nixon is on the radio. Xander and Buffy are driving in their car silently, not realizing that they're acting any different than usual)
["Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?"]
Nixon: I have never been a quitter. ["Bullshit"] To leave office before
my term is over is against every instinct in my body.
["You call that a body?"] But as President, ["You call that a
President?"]...I must put the interests of America first.
["What does America need, Dick?"] America needs a full time
President, ["What else, Dick?"] and a full time Congress...
Buffy: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
["The slut can count."]
They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the
weather and all.
["Say something stupid, Asshole!"]
Xander: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
["Yay that type!"]
Buffy: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?
["I came on the windshield"]
Xander: We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
Buffy: Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?
[hums Twilight Zone theme]
["Make a sound like a cow, Brad."]
Xander: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
["Don't back up!"] (BOOM)
Buffy: Oh! What was that bang? ["A gang bang!"]
Xander: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! ["Kill that smurf!" clap hands]
I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. ["Asshole!"]
Well, you just stay here, keep warm and I'll go for help.
Buffy: Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
Xander: ["Try the castle!"] ...Didn't we pass a castle back down the road
a few miles? [Cheer] Maybe they have a telephone I could use.
["Castles don't have telephones, asshole!"]
Buffy: I'm going with you.
Xander: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
["She's already wet!"]
Buffy: I'm coming with you! ["That'll be a first!"] Besides darling,
the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, ["He is!"]
and you might never come back again. ["You should be so lucky."]
Xander: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
(Soon, they begin singing There's A Light as they near the castle door)
Scene 6: Back in the Narrator's Office
(We find Giles narrating while Anya watches the T.V. She is getting bored of audience participation fast and wants to get out of there. She wants to get Giles to remember who he is and help her.)
Giles: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they?
Anya: Shut up, Giles!
Giles: Who is this man you speak of. I am a criminalogist named.... um, named um...... oh G-d, I don't have a name!
Anya: Don't be an idiot! Everyone has a name. Yours is Giles. Say Giiiiillllleeees.
Giles: Hey, I may have no neck (rocky horror joke) but I am able to prononce Giles.
(Feels his neck.)
Oh my G-d, I have a neck! Maybe what you're saying is true.
Anya: It is. Now, you are a watcher. Well, you used to be. Buffy is the slayer, Xander is my fiancee, Willow is our friend and Spike is, well he's, um..... He's a vampire who can't hurt people because of a chip in his head who has nothing better to do but follow Buffy around. (Pants for breath). Oh and by the way, I'm an ex demon who's afraid of bunnies.
Giles: Yes, I'm beginning to remember.
Anya: So now do you believe me?
Giles: Not really, but we can discuss it after I'm done narrating.
Anya: Dammit! (Thinks for a minute). Hey Giles or narrator dude or whoever the hell you want to be called, what happens when the movie ends?
Giles: What movie?
Anya: The one you're in right now!
Giles: We're not in a movie. This is my job.
Anya: Yeah, perfectly normal to be talking to a camera about something that happened 25 years ago!
Giles: What! 25 years? Oh my... That would mean we're in the year 2000.
Anya: Well 2001, but who's counting? Once you've reached 1000 years old, you begin to loose track of time. (Continues to watch T.V.)
Scene 7: Spike's Monologue
(Back in the castle, Spike is roaming around doing the butler chores of Riff Raff. However, it doesn't take him too long to drop the broom and look out of the window. He sings his little solo in "There's A Light," and goes downstairs)
Spike (muttering to himself): Hmmm, looks like we have visitors. Oh, shit, I think they're earthlings. That means that the master's going to have some new playmates. Lucky bastard. It's not like he doesn't have enough fun screwing around with Columbia and his creations, but to do so with my sister, well..... I'll get him back. Maybe I'll have a little fun. (Looks out of downstairs window and sees Buffy and Xander. This gives him an idea.) Hmmm, I know! These earthlings would be the perfect distraction! Then I can get my sister, Magenta and we can kill that notorious Frank N Furter once and for all!
(Looks out of window once more)
Hmmm, those earthlings look awfully familiar. Oooo, the blond one is a hottie. Very hot. Okay, new plan. Screw the blond and have that guy with her go up to the lab and keep Frank busy. Then, I can lock her up in a cage, kill Frank and everyone else other than my sister and then we'll go back to our planet. The blond can be our sex bunny. Sounds good.
(Thinks again)
Wait a minute, there's a reason why they look familiar....
(Starts to remember everything that happened)
Jesus, Willow's spell! This means that I'm stuck as Riff Raff until we get out of here. Wait, do the others realize what happened?
(Sees Willow tap dancing in the other room. Then, he looks outside and sees Buffy and Xander holding hands and skipping)
No, I guess not. I guess only creatures of darkness remain immune. Well, this means that Buffy can't slay! She's completely helpless. Oooooo! I wonder, does my chip still work?
(He goes into the room where Willow is tap dancing and pushes her. She yells at him to watch it. His head doesn't feel any pain)
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you Willow! Hey, I wonder what happened to Anya.
(Anya's watching on T.V. and had heard everything)
Anya: I'm right here, you putz!
(Spike hears Anya)
Oh bloody hell! Her screaming will give me enough of a headache. Aw well, she can't do anything else. Operation "Get Revenge on Buffy and Eat Some Humans" is now starting.
Nothing will get in my way!
(Drusilla walks in the room)
Hey, Drusilla. (Thinks for a second). Drusilla!
Drusilla: Who's Drusilla, my pet? Is that another one of the master's conquests.
Spike: Um, no love. Just a name I heard of on T.V.
Drusilla: Hey, the master's busy preparing for his creation. Do you want to go do something naughty?
(Spike thinks for a second. He decides to play along and pretend to be Riff Raff for now, for as long as she wasn't reminded of her true identity, she'd think she was Magenta.)
Spike: Oh, don't you know it baby. (The doorbell rings.)
Damn, it's the bell. Hey, we can pick up on this later.
Drusilla: Alright, Riffy. (Leaves the room)
Spike: This is perfect! I'll get revenge on Drusilla as well! Ooooooo, it just doesn't get any better than this.
(Doorbell rings once more)
Well, I guess I'd better go play butler. Oh Buffy, you have no idea what's in store for you!
Anya: I bet I can guess (groans)
(To be continued.)
Scene 8: Entering the Castle and The Time Warp:
Note to reader: Spike doesn't remember EVERYTHING that happened in the movie exactly. This causes problems for him, for he doesn't want anyone to remember who they really are until he's "done" with them.
Also, the chorus is being sung by the people of Sunnydale. This is important later in the story.
(Spike goes to the door. Outside are soaking wet Buffy and Xander)
Spike: (echo) Hello.
Xander: Hi! My name is Brad Majors and this is my fiancee Janet Weiss.
Spike: (mutters to himself) I knew he'd be Brad.
Xander: Excuse me sir, but what are you talking about?
Spike: Oh, nothing. (Smirks)
Xander: Anyway, I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?
Spike: (Is getting bored) Yeah, yeah. You're wet, I think you perhaps better both come inside and all of that crap.
Xander and Buffy: Huh?
Spike: Oh bloody hell, never mind. Just come in already.
Buffy: (Speaks with a hint of fear in her voice) You're too kind.
(The two enter the castle. They are cold and uncomfortable)
Buffy: Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?
Xander: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
Spike: This way. (Bumps into a statue.) Ow! No, I guess not. (Remembers which way Riff Raff went in the movie and leads them to the staircase.)
Buffy: (Whispers to Xander) This handyman is strange.
Xander: Nonsense, Janet. He must be a foreigner. Their ways are different from ours, dear.
Spike: (Mutters) No shit, Sherlock.
Janet: Are you having a party?
Spike: (Gets back into character) You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the
master's affairs.
Janet: Oh... lucky him.
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Lucky me!
Drusilla: (Slides on banister downstairs) You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha
Spike: (Mutters to himself) Oh yeah, forgot about that part. Oh crap, the Time Warp's coming. Uh oh, I better remember the words.
THE TIME WARP
Spike: It's, um, um,
Anya: (Screaming from narrator's office) Astounding, you nitwit!
Spike: Oh, right. It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...
Drusilla: Not for very much longer.
Spike: I've got to, um...
Anya: Get a life!
Spike: Get a life. No wait, that's not right! (Thinks to himself) Just keep going, Spike. No one notices. Oh yeah, now I remember. I don't need Anya's help. I can do this on my own!
(Continues song)
Keep control
(Sings in a monotone voice, the complete opposite of the Riff Raff in the movie)
I remember doing the time warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me
And a void would be calling...
Chorus: Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
Giles: It's just a jump to the left.
Anya: Please G-d, not Giles! I don't think I can bear it.
All: And then a step to the right.
Giles: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.
Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
(Drusilla's solo starts)
Drusilla: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension,
with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded,
I see all.
(Music stops. She starts laughing uncontrolably)
Mwah ha ha ha. The stars are all shining right in front of me, but they all are the same. Oh, the stars. (Starts to spin very fast)
Spike: Um, love. Love? (No response) Magenta darling, that's enough.
Drusilla: Oh, sorry Riff.
(Song continues.)
Spike: With a bit of a mind flip
Drusilla: You're into the time slip.
Spike: And nothing can ever be the same.
Drusilla: You're spaced out on sensation.
Spike: Like you're under sedation.
[Buffy faints. Xander catches her, and Spike laughs]
All: Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
(Willow comes out dressed in black shorts, a sequin, rainbow, sleeveless top, tap shoes, a gold, glittery jacket and a gold, glittery top hat)
Willow: (Voice very squeaky and high)
Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
Giles: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Giles: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
(Willow tap-dances and like Columbia, falls on her ass. She slams her hat on her head and stamps away)
All: Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
Giles: It's just a jump to the left.
Anya: Oh no, not the desk! Anything but the desk. (Giles goes on the desk to narrate.) Ugh, this can't get worse
All: And then a step to the right.
Giles: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
that really drives you insane.
Anya: G-d, I apologize. Seeing Giles doing the pelvic thrust tops him climbing on his desk.
Let's do the time warp again.
Let's do the time warp again.
(Everyone collapses on the floor. Spike forgot about this part, but then realizes it and falls on the ground 5 seconds after everyone else has fallen. All except Xander and Buffy.
Buffy: (Whispers) Brad, say something.
Xander: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?
(Buffy groans after this comment, for even her character realizes what a putz "Brad" can be)
Buffy: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
(Spike cuts off Xander's line, for he thinks it's his.)
Spike: For christ sake, Buf... I mean Janet. It's just a party.
(A voice comes from upstairs. It sounds very familiar.)
Voice: Hey, Spike. Not too familiar with the Rocky Horror script, eh?
Spike: Of course I am. I'm just not too familiar with the exact lines.
(Pauses for a second)
Oh my G-d, it's you!
(To be continued)
Scene 9: Questions for the Vampire
(Spike looks around, not knowing where the voice is coming from. All he knows is who it is, and it sounds evil)
Spike: Angel, is that you?
Angel: No, it's your mother. G-d Spike, don't ask such stupid questions.
Spike: I thought so. You're evil again, aren't you.
Angel: (Sarcasm) Very good, Spikey! Here, go fetch yourself a little human snack. Oh yeah, that's right. You can't kill anyone.
Spike: Oh really?
(He grabs one of the people singing in the chorus and drags them into the room Spike and Angel were talking in and has himself a little snack)
Spike: Wow, I had almost forgotten how good it tasted.
(Angel laughs evilly. He then takes out something that looks like a remote control. Time freezes. Only Angel and Spike are unaffected)
Spike: I don't remember Frank N Furter being able to do that.
Angel: Oh, he could turn people into statues with his Sonic Transducer. He could also freeze time with it.
Spike: So, you now have the knowledge of Frank?
Angel: What makes you say I'm Frank.
Spike: Well, the heels and fishnets kind of are a dead give away. Besides, the part of Dr. Scott is so not you.
Angel: Well, you're correct. I'm supposed to be Frank N Furter.
Spike: (Asks in a menacing tone) Have you ever seen the end of the movie, Angel?
Angel: Of course not. By that time, everyone's all having orgies together.
Spike: (mumbles to himself) Yeah, that's what I had hoped.
Angel: What?
Spike: Oh, nothing. Say, how'd you remember who you really are? And how'd you loose your soul again?
Angel: Oh, I saw you bump into the statue, and it all came back to me.
Spike: Oh. (Thinks for a second) How come Drusilla doesn't remember who she is?
Angel: Because she's insane. She'll just go with the flow.
Spike: Oh. And what about the humans.
Angel: Needn't worry about them. Something casual like screwing up lines won't cause them to remember. Something (searches for the right word) "traumatic" must happen to trigger their memory.
Spike: Hello? Something traumatic DOES happen to them. Ever see the movie?
Angel: Quite frankly...(laughs at his own corny joke). Quite frankly Spike, I don't like your attitude. Never the less, I'll let you in on the plan.
Spike: What plan?
Frank: Operation eat and torture all the humans in the chorus. You see how many of them their are?
Spike: Yeah. 1000's of them.
Angel: All for the taking.
Spike: Yeah. Now, what do you want with me?
Angel: To keep quiet. Don't remind them of who they are until I'm ready.
Spike: And if I refuse?
Angel: Then I'll kill Drusilla. Oh that's right, she dumped you. Maybe there's someone else. Someone else who you love...
Spike: (Sounds kind of nervous) Um, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Angel: (Continues patronizing Spike) Poor little Spike, in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Oh, what a shame. You see, once you have Angel, you never go back.
(Spike turns into his vampire form and growls. He pushes Angel. He laughs)
Angel: There's the Spike I knew so many years ago!
Spike: Yeah, I'm back!
Angel: Okay Spike, here's the plan. We continue to act out the movie right up until the floor show. From there, we imprison all the humans including Buffy and the scoobies. We save them for last. Especially Buffy, for she has tortured the both of us and made us like... Oh can't even say the word.
Spike: Human.
Angel: Yes, that. We'll torture her until every single last human is killed. (Laughs) And that could take months...
Spike: (Thinks for a second) Okay, sounds good. Except I have some questions. What about "The Creation?" Are we building him?
Angel: Yes, in order to go with the flow of the movie.
Spike: And the fishnets?
Angel: (Looks down at his legs) Oh yeah, I've got to dress like this in order for the humans still to remain clueless. You must be loving it, Spike.
Spike: (Very sarcastic) Oh, how'd you figure me out? Am I that transparent? Oh yeah baby, you've discovered my secret.
Angel: Sarcasm will get you nowhere.
Spike: Oh, you thought I was being sarcastic? (They both laugh)
Spike: Okay, enough of the funnies. What about Buffy? Will she be able to slay if she gets her memory back?
Angel: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. By that time, she'll be in chains completely helpless.
Spike: (Gets a little too excited when he hears "Buffy" and "Chains" and jumps up and bangs his head on the chandelier)
Yeah, chains! Ow, that really hurt.
Angel: Now, you can have half of the humans and torture Buffy when she's chained up. Do whatever you want with Drusilla. Sleep with her, torture her, I don't care. Just whatever you do, you cannot sleep with Buffy.
Spike: But you can?
Angel: It's in the movie. (Spike glares at him with hate in his eyes)
Hey, I won't enjoy it. (Laughs) Much.
Plus, I also have to sleep with Xander.
(Anya screams from narrator's office)
Anya: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xander can't become gay before our wedding.
Angel: Who the hell was that?
Spike: Oh, the ex. Demon. Don't worry, she can't do anything to foil the plan. (Turns to camera, the one that's filming everything; Anya's T.V. shows what's happening with this camera. He winks at her)
Anya: What the... (Thinks for a second) Oh, got you Spike.
Angel: So, ready to unfreeze time?
Spike: Oh, more than ready. Say, what musical number are we up to anyway?
Angel: Sweet Transvestite.
Spike: Well, you better get in that closet, then.
Angel: Elevator.
Spike: Oh, bloody hell! Just get ready.
Angel: You know what? I've got an excellent feeling about this.
Spike: So do I Angel, so do I.
Scene 10: Sweet Vampire
(Spike goes back to the room he was in and Angel unfreezes time. Everyone in the chorus is standing silently, for they know the great "Frank N Furter" (Angel) is about to answer. Xander and Buffy slowly walk backward from the crowd, for they are scared and deeply disturbed. Their dialogue starts from where they left off. Their backs are facing the elevator.)
(This time, Spike doesn't interrupt. He's too busy looking for a camera. He has every intention on taking a picture of Angel in makeup, a corset and fishnet stockings.)
Buffy: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Xander: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.
Buffy: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Xander: It's just a party, Janet.
Buffy: Well, I want to go.
Xander: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Buffy: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Xander: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere
with their celebration.
Buffy: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Xander: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more... folk dancing.
Buffy: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.
Xander: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.
Spike: (mutters to himself) That's REAL assuring
(Buffy turns around and sees the face of Angel. To her and everyone else, it's Frank N Furter. She screams and then faints).
SWEET TRANSVESTITE:
Angel: How do you do?
Spike: Just fine, thanks.
Angel: (Glares at Spike with true hate in his eyes. He doesn't want anything to go wrong, and Spike's wisecracks and lack of knowledge of the lines infuriate him. However, he's so focused on his contempt toward Spike that he manages to screw up his lines as well. He starts the song again, and hopes for the best.)
Angel: How do you do, I see you've met my (pauses for a minute, not sure if he wants to use the original word. However, he wants to stick to the script, and uses the one in the movie). "faithful" handyman.
(Spike chuckles)
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.
Spike: Ooooo, we're having a candyman come over!?!?! Yeah! (He bangs his head on the chandelier once more) Okay, now I'm mad! (Spike jumps up and attempts to break the chandelier, but bangs his head once more. He gives up, and is content with making Angel miserable)
Angel: (Ignores Spike and continues the song)
Don't get strung out by the way I look.
Spike: Don't worry, I'm taking pictures!
Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
Spike: Yeah, that's why Drusilla and Buffy left you for me.
(Angel still goes on with his song, but is having a hard time ignoring Spike anymore, and his face is starting to change)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Buffy: Oh my G-d, what's happening to his face?
From Transexual, Transylvania.
(By this time, he has calmed down and his face goes back to "normal" Well, normal for Frank)
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound.
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal,
Spike: What the hell does abysmal mean?
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
Anya: Who the hell is Steve Reeves?
Xander: I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: We'll just say where we are,
Then go back into the car.
We don't want to be any worry.
Frank: Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that?
Well, babies, don't you panic.
Anya: No, panic, panic!
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
Spike: Okay, this song is getting old. I don't even understand half the words you're saying. Just get on with it.
Angel: I would if you stopped interrupting me, you idiot!
(continues with the song)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Why don't you stay for the night?
Spike and Drusilla: [echo] Night.
Angel: Or maybe a (laughs) bite?
Willow: (She licks her lips in a horny kind of way) Bite.
Frank: I could show you my favorite obsession.
Spike: She's already here!
I've been making a man
With blonde hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my....tension
Spike: I knew you were gay! No decent vampire would go around dressed like that!
Angel: You idiot! I'm gonna kill you and your little bitch! (Freezes time, so the humans don't know what's happening. He, Spike and Drusilla are unaffected)
(Angel and Spike start to wrestle on the floor. Drusilla is laughing hysterically)
Drusilla: Boys, boys. Enough fighting! Finish the song, Angel. From Transexual, Transylvania.
HIT IT, HIT IT!
Angel: Wait, how'd you know it was me?
Drusilla: Seeing you and Spike fight like that reminded me of old times. Besides, I had a dream that something like this was going to happen. (Starts spinning around like crazy)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Angel: (Grabs Drusilla and twirls her around)
Okay, here's the deal. Spike and I were planning on going along with the movie and then eating the chorus and torturing the Slayer until every last human is dead.
Drusilla: Ooooo, sound like fun! But what about Spike's chip?
Spike: What chip? (He grabs a human and eats them very quickly)
Drusilla: Yeah! Spike, Spikey, this means
Spike: I'm back again.
Angel: Alright, I'll give you another chance if you shut up.
(Spike rolls his eyes and Drusilla grins. Angel ignores this, and unfreezes time. He continues singing his song.)
Angel: From Transexual, Transylvania.
So come up to the lab,
And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici - (pauses for 3 seconds) pation.
But maybe the rain
Isn't really to blame.
So I'll remove the cause.
But not the symptom.
(He goes back into the elevator and goes upstairs)
(applause) (Xander and Janet are given towels by Spike and Drusilla. Spike is standing behind Buffy and Dru behind Xander. He knows what part comes next, and is smiling from ear to ear.)
Buffy: Thank you.
Xander: Thank you very much.
Anya: Hell no, you aren't undressing my man!
(Spike grabs the zipper of Buffy's dress and pulls it down very slowly. He then puts his hands on her belt buckle and slowly undoes her belt. He pulls the dress down. He wanted to take her right then and there, but knew it would ruin everything. Instead, he just waits for Drusilla to finish undressing Xander. Buffy is wearing nothing more than a white bra and a white slip.)
Buffy: Oh! Brad!
Xander: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull
out the aces when the time is right. (Drusilla pulls off his pants)
Anya: No, not the tighty whites!
Willow: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.
Xander: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss. (Anya cringes when she hears this)
Willow: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
Xander: People like you maybe.
Willow: Ha! I've seen it.
(She throws the clothes. Xander grabs a shoe to cover himself.)
Anya: No, you idiot. Grab a stake, a weapon, anything useful! Anything but a freakin shoe!
(Spike pours wine into a glass and takes a swig from the bottle.)
Drusilla: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Shift it.
(He doesn't know what to do next. Drusilla motions to him to drop the bottle. He shrugs his shoulders and does so)
(The elevator goes up, on the way to the lab)
Buffy: Is he - Frank I mean - is he your husband?
(Drusilla cracks up)
Spike: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever will be. We are simply his (groans. He knows what comes next, and can't bear to say it).
Servants. (Glares menacingly in Angel's direction)
Buffy: Oh.
(The elevator stops, and they are in the lab)
(To be continued)
Scene 11: Creating "Rocky"
(Spike, Drusilla, Willow, Buffy and Xander have just taken the elevator up to the lab. In
this scene, Angel has a speech, but is very unfamiliar with it. He asks Spike to make him notecards with the EXACT lines. Spike decides to have a little fun with this task).
Angel: Magenta (Drusilla looks around bewildered. Angel clears his throat. She just looks at him with a blank expression)
Spike: Step forward, love.
Drusilla: Ohhhhhh, right. I'm Magenta!
Angel: (Shakes his head. Looks as if he has a really bad headache)
Columbia (Willow steps forward), go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain.... eh heh heh.
Xander: (Steps forward and shakes Angel's hand.) Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee Janet "Vice."
Buffy: Weiss.
Spike: Summers.
(Angel ignores the comment)
Angel: Enchante
(Buffy giggles. Spike rolls his eyes.)
Angel: Well! How nice.
And what charming underclothes you both have.
But here. Put these on.
They'll make you feel less vulnerable.
(Chorus giggles)
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality
Brad: Hospitality!?
All we asked was to use your telephone,
g_d dammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
Buffy : Brad, don't be ungrateful.
Anya: Grateful! You should sue!
Brad: (Removes glasses with anger in a quick motion)Ungrateful!
Anya: Yeah, tell him honey!
Angel: (Very sarcastic) How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant
(crowd has flurry of laughs. Spike laughs uncontrollably and falls on the floor and falls on his ass).
Spike: Ow! Why am I so damn clumsy? Doesn't anybody mop in this place? Whose job is it to clean the floors, anyway?
Angel: Yours and Magenta's, you idiot!
Spike: Oh, well we're not doing a very good job.
(One member of the chorus looks close at Xander. He gets very self conscious and closes his lab jacket)
Angel: You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
Buffy : Well, yes I am.
Spike: Why?
Buffy: Because he's my little sweetie.
Xander: (Embarrassed) Well, I....
Buffy: Your my little honey bear, Brad.
Xander: Oh gosh.
Spike: Oh gross!
Anya: Oh no!
Angel: (Very angrily)Oh, let's get on with it!
(Everyone shuts up. Angel continues playing his part)
Do you have any tattoos, Brad?
Brad: Certainly not!
Angel: Oh well, how about you.
Buffy : No. (giggling)
(It's silent for a very awkward minute. Once again, Spike has forgotten his lines. Finally, he realizes they're all waiting for him)
Spike: Everything is ready. Let's get a move on it already! We're waiting for you to say something already.
Angel: (Mutters to himself) And that's the CLOSEST he's come to remembering his lines!
(Angel hands wine glass to Spike and spills a little on him).
Spike: Damn it, that was a brand new suit!
Angel: (Mutters) Just wait until this scene is over.
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Oh, you think I'm annoying now? Just wait Angel, just wait...
Angel: (Takes out the cards Spike has written for him. Spike chuckles) Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... you are about to
witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research (thinks to himself "wow, it's good so far." continues)... and paradise is to be mine! (audience claps)...It was strange the way it happened... I was walking outside in my thong when I saw him. That vampire with the hot little body and the bleached blond hair. I knew that he was smarter and a better fighter when....(Angel realizes that he's got the wrong words written down and his face starts to change)
Buffy: Oh my g_d, his face is doing that creepy thing again!
Spike: Relax, Frank. Here's your REAL speech.
(At this point, Angel was ready to kill Spike right then and there. However, it was too late to get rid of him. Instead, he'd try to get along with him.)
Angel: Thank you, Riff Raff. Sorry everyone. It was an April fool.
Buffy: But it's December.
Angel: Listen, blondy. (Calms down). Um, it's an early celebration.
Buffy: Ohhhhh.
Angel: Now, I will continue. (He reads the new copy Spike gave him). It was strange when it happened. When I discovered the secret, that I'm gay. Wait, that's not right either!
Anya: Screw the speech, you putz!
Angel: (Remembers the very end of speech and says it)
You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night
that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!
(Buffy claps, Xander grabs her hands.)
(Drusilla and Willow take hold of the cloth)
Angel: Up now!
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step the reactor power input
THREE MORE POINTS!
Spike: Hey, I don't like being ordered around, "Frank." Please respect my rights and ask me!
Buffy : He does have a point. No one likes a meanie.
Anya: Slut!
(Angel continues and begins bringing to life "his creation")
Buffy: Oh, Brad!
Xander: It's all right, Janet.
(colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,
Indigo, Violet, etc. Angel just twists them, not actually having any idea what they do and cursing Spike off under his breath. Spike is just laughing in the background.)
(At this point, the bandaged figure has been brought to life. Angel really gets into character, and gets very excited. He kicks Spike in the ribs and grabs the wheel he was turning and continues to do so. The creation is slowly brought to the fllor)
Angel: Oh, Riley!
Scene 12: Oh, I can make you a man.
(Riley is wearing nothing more than gold hot pants. Buffy and Xander just stare at him in utter astonishment [remember, they're playing a couple of squares. Besides, that's still a pretty shocking site]. He sings his song SWORD OF DAMOCLES while Angel chases him all over the lab. This makes Angel tired. Spike, Drusilla and Willow do a little dance when this is happening, and guess what? Spike falls on his ass again! )
Spike: Oh, bloody hell! Dru... I mean Magenta, that's it! We're getting the mop!
Willow: But when you use a mop, you make the floor wet. That'll make you even more likely to fall.
Spike: Sod off, bitch! I'll ask your advice when I want it.
Willow: Hmph! (Mumbles under her breath) If Riff had just went to college...
(Spike rolls his eyes and grabs Drusilla by the arm. He goes with her to fetch some towels.)
Angel: Well..... (Awkward Silence) Um Columbia, what do you think of him?
Willow: Well, according to my book on the human body, his brain is not proportional to the rest of his body and his, um "package" is a little miniscule to the rest of his....
(Angel cuts her off)
Angel: English and without the painful details!
Willow: He's okay.
Angel: Okay? OKAY! Well, I think we can do better than that ! (Drags Riley to Buffy and Xander) Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?
Buffy: (Tries to think of a response that wouldn't hurt Xander's feelings)
Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.
Anya: Bullshit!
Buffy: Goodness gracious, what was that yelling?
Angel: Um, yelling? I didn't hear any yelling. (Remembers next line and says it in a sly tone) I didn't make him for you!
Buffy: (gasps)
(Angel looks at his cards with his lines and doesn't believe Spike wrote them correctly)
Angel: Charles Atlas, who the hell is he? (Thinks to himself) Ahhh, it must really be Prince Charles. Well, Spike won't fool me!
Angel: He carries the Prince Charles seal of approval!
(Everyone stares at him blankly)
Xander: Um, was that supposed to be a joke?
Angel: Oh, just let me sing my song to Ri... I mean Rocky.
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN
(By now, he's given up with the cards Spike gave him. Luckily for him, he's more familiar with this song than his speech. He also refuses to pay attention to the rest of the stupid comments everyone makes. he'll get his revenge...)
Angel: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds
Will get sand in his face
When kicked to the ground,
And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause
Anya: Hey, that doesn't rhyme!
Angel: Will make him glisten and gleam.
And with massage, and just a little bit of (Points to Riley, but refuses to actually run his fingers near his manhood. Simply points to his nose instead) steeaaam,
He'll be pink and quite clean
He'll be a strong man. Oh honey...
All: But the wrong man.
Anya: Nah, you can have him.
Angel: He'll eat nutritious high protein,
And swallow raw eggs...
Willow: Can't you get salmonella from that?
Angel: Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.
Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days...
I can make you a man.
He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups
Do the smearch, clean and jerk.
Anya: What's a smearch, and how do you do it clean and jerk?
Angel: He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.
Such strenuous living I just don't understand,
When in just seven days, ...oh baby, ...I can make (Puts hands on his hips) you a man.
(There's a beeping sound coming from the freezer. It breaks open, and Oz comes out of it wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle. He has icicles on his nose)
Willow: Eddie!
(Drusilla and Spike walk in just as Oz bursts out of the freezer)
Spike: Hey, did I miss something? (remembers the movie and knows what happens next) Oh great, more of a mess to clean up! oh, bloody hell!
(Slips on a chunk of ice)
Scene 13: Hot Patootie
(Buffy and Xander stand there shocked and scared. Willow is jumping for joy, for it's her Eddie! Angel gets into character and looks with contempt at Oz. Spike is just grumbling about all the work he has to do.)
(Oz is wearing a black leather jacket and pants that are WAY too big for him [Eddie is fat, and obviously, Oz isn't.] He still is pretty unemotional, but with a slight attitude.)
HOT PATOOTIE
Oz: Whatever happened to Saturday night,
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
(He stares at Buffy for a second but then looks in the direction of Willow. Buffy just looks at him in disgust)
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
(Willow is right behind him, very excited. She looks as if as if she's ready to jump him. Oz starts checking out his lover)
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the music on the radio;
A saxophone was blowing on a rock `n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.
(Willow has her hands all over him, and keeps on turning him to face her.)
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock `n roll.
(By this time, Oz and Willow are making out passionately on the floor.)
(The chorus gets repeated 3 more times)
Spike: Oh, bloody hell! This is gross!
Anya: This is disgusting!
Angel: Not to mention, disturbing!
Spike: That's it! Dru, come with me. Maybe baking some cookies will cheer me up.
Angel: I didn't know you baked!
Spike: I didn't know you wore fishnets!
(At this point, it's time for Oz to play his Sax solo. However, he sucks at it, and the chorus is pissed off. They start throwing their garbage at him)
Willow: Hey, that's not cool! That's my man you're messing with!
(She goes into the chorus and tries to rip off the head of one fat guy yelling "obscene remarks" at her Eddie. However, she is very upset when the head doesn't pop off and just throws him into Riley's tank instead)
Willow: It didn't pop off like my Barbie doll heads used to!
Angel: (Thinks to himself) I like her style. Maybe I'll turn her instead of killing her.
(The song continues)
Oz: My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time..
(The chorus repeats itself again. At this point Angel knows he's supposed to kill
someone, but can't remember who.)
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock `n roll.
(repeat seven more times)
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Damn, this can get really screwed up if I kill the wrong person!
(At this point, Riley is dancing and starting to hump the statues. He then sees Angel and starts humping his leg. He continues to do so, even though Angel keeps pushing him away)
Anya: Ewww! Kill the bastard in the hot pants. I can't stand him!
Angel: And neither can I! (He takes a chain saw and runs after Riley. He cuts off his arms, legs, and EVERYTHING else.) [Yes, that includes EVERYTHING, you nasty people]
Angel: Ha! No more leg humping for you, you bastard!
(Finally, Angel kills him, for he can no longer stand looking at this pain in the ass creation he created)
Chorus: Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(They start dancing around like crazy. Xander even lets out a cheer and starts doing the snoopy dance. Buffy just stares at him as if he is an alien, but even she can't help but smile, though she can't imagine why.)
(Spike and Drusilla walk back in to see all of the commotion)
Spike: What happened? Did someone win the lottery?
Drusilla: Ohhh, I think I know what it is! Puppies!
(Drusilla starts dancing around crazily, hugging everyone in the chorus. She pushes one man into the same tank Willow pushed the fat man in, for she thinks he killed her puppy since she couldn't find it.)
Drusilla: Not nice to be mean to my puppy!
Spike: (Completely ignoring Drusilla) So, what really happened?
Angel: I killed Riley.
Spike: Really?!?! Yeah! This calls for a celebration. Anyone want cookies?
(The chorus cheers once more, and Spike hands out cookies. In the meantime, Oz walks over to Angel)
Oz: Actually, I think you were supposed to kill me.
Angel: Oh, really?
Oz: Yeah, I think.
Angel: Oh, sorry about that.
Oz: Hey, no problem. Maybe we could catch up on this later.
Angel: Ok, sounds alright to me.
Oz: Cool. Me and the red head have unfinished business to attend to, so see ya later.
Angel: Sure, no problem.
Oz: Oh, hey Frank?
Angel: Um, yeah?
Oz: Could you kill me with a poisonous snake? I always wanted to have one as a pet growing up.
Angel: Um, ok. Whatever floats your boat.
Oz: Thanks, you're so cool. Come on Columbia.
Willow: K. Hey Frank, maybe you can join us later.
Angel: Oh, you can count on it Columbia.
(Oz and Willow leave. He chuckles under his breath. He knows he screwed up the script, but really doesn't care anymore. The scoobies still don't realize who they really are, which is all he cares about)
Angel: I'll have my fun, you can count on it. I don't need to follow a freakin script! Well, maybe just for the next part I'll follow it, but with a touch of my own style...
(Spike is the only one who heard him)
Spike: (Mutters to himself) Not if I get to her first!
Scene 14: Anya's attempt to trigger Giles' memory
Back in the narrator's office...
Giles: There are those that say that life is an illusion
and that reality is but a figment of the
imagination. If this is so, then Brad and Janet
are quite safe ... however, the sudden
departure of their host ...and his creation
...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite
had left them feeling both
apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew
as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate
rooms.
Anya: Come on Giles! I can't stand this! You aren't a narrator. You're Giles!
Giles: I beg your pardon, but I must finish narrating before discussing this matter any further.
Anya: Listen, it's a spell! Willow's spell. Don't you remember?
Giles: Sorry, but all I know is that I'm a criminologist/narrator with almost no neck.
Anya: Giles, we went through this already. You have a neck! Come on, remember being a watcher? Buffy? The magic shop? I ran the cash register. I controlled the money.
Giles: It all sounds very nice...
(Anya cuts him off)
Anya: And I'm engaged to Xander and I'm also an ex-Demon.
Giles: WHAT! You were a demon?
Anya: Oh, yeah, long story. And remember when Buffy died?
(Giles just stares at her blankly. However, he starts to look really sad)
Anya: You remember?
Giles: Barely. I get this really sad feeling when I think about it.
Anya: Oh Giles, how can I make you see?
(Anya just sits there thinking. She remembers Angel talking about how to trigger someone's memory)
Anya: (Mutters to herself) Spike remembers, Angel, well, Angelus remembers, Drusilla remembers... Maybe it's a evil creature thing.
(She thinks again)
Yeah, but there's a way to trigger a human's memory. Something about a traumatic experience, I think.
Giles: What on earth are you muttering about?
Anya: That's it! A traumatic experience. Hmmm, but what would be traumatic enough?
(She tries to think of something that would shock Giles. After a few minutes, she remembered the time when she and Giles thought they were engaged, and realizes what she has to do.)
(She grabs Giles by his neck and starts to kiss him passionately. He at first tries to pull away but then starts kissing her back)
Giles: Oh, Jenny.
Anya: (Pulls away very quickly) Jenny? It's me, Anya.
Giles: Anya? Oh my G-D! That was you?
Anya: Yeah, duh! Who's Jenny, anyway?
Giles: An old girlfriend. She taught at Sunnydale High School with me. G-d, how I loved her!
Anya: Oh, I think Xander told me about her. Didn't she die?
Giles: (Says in an angry tone) Angelus killed her.
Anya: (Says sincerely) Oh, I'm sorry.
Giles: It's not your fault. G-d, I can't believe I couldn't remember anything!
Anya: I'm so glad your back. Angelus is back, and so is Drusilla. He, Spike and Drusilla are the only ones who remember who they are!
Giles: Oh my G-d! They'll kill everyone.
Anya: And not just them. They want to eat all of the chorus.
Giles: How many are there?
Anya: I dunno. A lot?
Giles: Gee, thanks for all of your information.
Anya: Sorry, but I was too busy mopping about.
Giles: What are we going to do?
Anya: I tried to get out of here, but the door's locked.
Giles: Damn it! That bastard...
Anya: I know. Why don't you look through the books on the shelf? There's so many of them, and I'm sure you'll find one with spell reversals.
Giles: I doubt it.
Anya: Well, what else can we do?
Giles: No, you're right. You try to unlock the door.
Anya: Sure. Hey Giles?
Giles: Yes?
Anya: Do you think Spike is going to help us or Angelus?
Giles: Well, I don't know. He has no soul, you know. And, from what I understand, no chip.
Anya: Yeah, but still. I have a feeling he'll manage to surprise us all. Love makes you do funny things.
Giles: I don't know. I hope you're right, though. Say Anya, what part are we up to in the movie anyway?
Anya: Gee, I don't know. (Looks at T.V. screen. She jumps back in shock and disgust.)
Oh no! Giles, whatever you do, don't look at the T.V.!
Giles: Oh no, what's wrong? (Thinks for a moment and remembers somewhat. Oh, that scene. (Giles starts to get really angry, and picks up a chair. He throws it at the T.V. He then starts to throw books and curse really loud.)
(Anya sits on the floor and a tear falls from her cheek)
Anya: (Whispers) Please, don't hurt my friends.
Scene 15: The bedroom
(While Anya and Giles were talking, Buffy and Xander were shown to their separate rooms by Willow and Drusilla.)
(Buffy bumps into a sink while she walks in the room. She looks around very frightened and lays on the bed. )
(A little while later, there's a knock on the door.)
Buffy: Huh! Who is it? Who's there?
Angel: (Pretending to be Brad and chuckling under his breath) It's only me, Janet.
Buffy: Oh, Brad darling, come in. (He climbs on her bed and starts kissing her)
Oh! Brad Oh oh oh... Yes, my darling...but what if...
Angel (Still pretending to be Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going
to be alright.
Buffy: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...(Pulls of his wig) ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!
Angel: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
Buffy: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?
Angel: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?
Buffy: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...
Angel: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable.
Buffy: Oh, stop...I'm in hell...Brad Brad!..(Shrieks really loud)Oh Brad!!
Angel: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you
like...this!(Grabs her and spreads her legs)
Buffy: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame! Oh...I was saving myself...
Angel: Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...
Buffy: Promise you won't tell Brad?
Angel: (Chuckles) Cross my heart and hope to die...
(He begins to kiss her passionately and reaches for the back of her bra. He starts to unsnap it open)
Buffy: No, stop, stop! This is wrong! I don't love you!
Angel: Hey, that's not in the script!
Buffy: What?
Angel: Um, nothing. Listen bitch, I'm going to have you whether you like it or not, so just shut up and enjoy this. I know I will. (Chuckles evilly)
Buffy: No, no, stop! Go away! Please? (She starts to cry)
Angel: Tell you what. I won't use the whip... much(chuckles evilly)
Buffy: Ahhhhhhhh, help, help!
(At this point, Spike can hear faint screams in the background. He realizes that Angel must of found her, and starts to run as fast as his feet will carry him)
Angel: Listen my slayer! I've had enough of this crap. (He slaps her face really hard and gags her. He starts to laugh)
Never thought you'd be in this position, Buff? Well, I think this proves who's really the stronger one!
(At this point, Spike bursts the door open)
Spike: Don't you dare touch her, you bastard!!!!!!!!!!!(He bangs Angel's head with the crowbar he swiped with all the strength he possessed.)
Spike: Come on Buffy, before he wakes up!
(He grabs her by her waist and carries her out of the room)
Scene 16: Remember, Buffy?
(Spike grabs Buffy by her waist and starts to run to the opposite side of the castle. He spots Drusilla, and dodges into a closet. He opens in slightly, only to see a bunch of dogs looking for him. He only leaves the door slightly open, so Buffy has enough room to breathe)
Spike: Well, it looks like we're stuck here, luv.
Buffy: (In a groggy voice) Where, where am I?
Spike: In a closet that's in a haunted castle with a vampire.
Buffy: Oh. As long as it's nothing serious. (Dozes off for a second, but then shhots back up) (In a panicked voice) Wait, that is serious!
Spike: Relax, Buffy.
Buffy: Buffy, who's that?
Spike: You mean you still don't remember who you are?
Buffy: Sure I do. I'm Janet Weiss and my fiancee is Brad Majors. We're getting married soon. (Thinks for a second. Is very upset) Or maybe he won't want to marry me because of what I did! Oh Brad!
Spike: Relax, you didn't do anything! (With a sly smile) Well, not yet.
Buffy: No, but I wanted to. I had feelings of lust. That's a deadly sin, you know.
Spike: (Rolls his eyes)
Buffy: What, it is!
(At this point, an imaginary tiny angel and devil sit on Spike's shoulders that only Spike can hear.)
angel: Come on, she doesn't even no who she is! Now's not a good time. Don't take advantage of her!
Devil: Don't listen to him! You're a vampire! You're evil!
angel: Yeah, but you can change. You love her. Don't do something that she'll regret.
Devil: Come on, she's helpless! Now's the time!
angel: No, maybe she'll be interested when she's back to her old self. You just have to wait and see.
Devil: After she called your relationship a freak show!
angel: (Ignoring devil) Remember how grateful she was when you didn't tell Glory about Dawn? Maybe she'll react the same way.
Devil: She won't even remember. Come on, she'll have no idea what happened.
(At this point, Anya glances at the semi broken T.V. in the narrator's office. She realizes it's working, and sees Spike and Buffy. Both the angel and Devil disappear)
Anya: (Screams at T.V.) Spike, thank G-d! Is Buffy ok?
Spike: Yeah, just a little shook up.
Buffy: Who's Buffy?
Anya: You are! She still doesn't remember who you are and who she is?
Spike: She still thinks she's Janet and that I'm Riff Raff, the Butler! (Jumps up to prove his point and bangs his on the shelf)
Spike: Ow! Bloody hell! I'm so sick of these injuries! Was Riff Raff a klutz?
Anya: No, I don't think so. (Thinks for a second) Wait, it makes sense.
Spike: What?
Anya: Angelus must have put a klutz spell on you. You know, for some fun revenge.
Spike: Damn him, the bastard!
Buffy: Hey, don't swear so much! Do you always do that?
Anya: Yeah, it's his "shtick."
Buffy: Oh no, I'm hearing voices!
Spike: No, that's Anya. She's in another room. For some reason, we can hear her. Must be a hidden microphone or something so we can here the narrator.
Buffy: Oh. Hey, are you ok?
Spike: Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
Buffy: Well, it looks like you banged your head pretty hard.
Spike: No, I'm ok.
Buffy: I don't know. Let me see, just to be safe. (She gently grabs his head and starts to stroke his hair. She then rips of a piece of her skirt and puts it on Spike's head.)
Spike: No, don't. I don't know if I have enough willpower not to take advantage of you. Please, understand.
Buffy: (Says sadly) It's me, isn't it? It's because I'm not good enough, isn't it?
Spike: No, not at all! You're the vampire slayer. I'm a vampire who's madly in love with you. Please stop, it's not safe.
Anya: (Thinks for a second) No, that's it!
Spike: What?
Anya: Buffy doesn't remember, because you saved her from Angelus before they could share a moment of intimacy.
Giles: (Butting in) But all you did was kiss me.
Anya: To a middle aged ex Librarian from Britain, a kiss is intimacy!
Spike: (Ignoring Anya) Buffy, you don't remember anything?
Buffy: No.
Spike: (With a sly smile) Well, I guess I'll have to teach you, then.
Giles: Emotion, agitation or disturbance
of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master
and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their
television monitor there seemed little doubt that
Janet was, indeed, ... its slave.
Anya: Where did that come from?
Giles: I don't know! I guess I'm still the narrator, whether I like it or not.
Anya: Wait, then Angel might still try to seduce my Xander!
(She gets really angry and her eyes burn the door down)
Giles: Oh my G-d!
Anya: Wow, I have my demon powers here! Xander, here I come!
(She runs out the door in a rage. Giles just sighs and starts looking through books, for he has to stay in the room, still being the narrator and all.)
In the meantime in Willow and Drusilla's room:
(Willow and Drusilla are sharing a room that has a T.V. that shows the closet Buffy and Spike are in. They're having a "sleepover" party)
Willow and Drusilla: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.
Drusilla: Miss Edith expects a picnic, but it's not her birthday!
Willow: Yeah, um sure. Say, do you mind if Eddie stops by later? We're going to have mad hot sex on the floor.
Drusilla: Sure. Whatever floats your boat.
Willow: Cool, thanks. Hey Dru, could you turn off the T.V.? I want to hear myself groaning when he comes.
Drusilla: And Miss Edith wants me to find her a puppy. I'm going to go find a puppy. Come on, Miss Edith! Maybe after we can have a tea party.
Willow: Sure, whatever floats your boat.
(Oz comes in in his leather jacket with his motorcycle and handcuffs)
Willow: Ohhhhh, foreplay! (She starts to tap dance, but falls on her ass, for Willow sucks at dancing)
Willow: Owwwww!
Oz: Relax, I brought an extra helmet. You can never be too careful, you know.
Willow: Oh Eddie, you're the best!
(She jumps him and they start kissing and groping passionately on the floor)
Meanwhile, back in the closet:
Buffy: So what you're saying is that I'm a strong slayer who kills vampires and demons except for you?
Spike: Yep.
Buffy: And I'm not engaged to Brad?
Spike: No, Anya's engaged to him. Well, Xander anyway.
Buffy: And you love me?
Spike: Yeah, pretty much.
Buffy: Do I love you?
Spike: (Thinks for a second) Well, only you can answer that.
Buffy: But I don't remember.
Spike: Well, there's only one way to find out, luv. (He stroke her hair very gently and whispers in her ear.) Do you want to find out?
Buffy: (Whispers back in his ear) Do you?
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
Buffy: I was feeling done in, couldn't win.
I've only ever kissed before.
I thought there's no use getting
Into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble
And seat wetting.
Now all I want to know is how to go.
I've tasted blood and I want more.
I'll put up no resistance
I want to go the distance
I've got an itch to scratch
I need assistance.
(Grabs his shoulders)
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night.
Then if anything grows, while you pose,
I'll oil you up and rub you down.
And that's just one small fraction
of the main attraction
You need a friendly hand (Grabs his hands) - I need action.
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night.
Toucha toucha toucha touch me, oh, I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night.
(Buffy hears voices in her head.)
Spike: (In an amused voice) Creature of the night
Xander: Creature of the night?
Angel: Creature of the night.
Drusilla: Creature of the night.
Oz: Creature of the night.
Willow: Creature of the night.
Spike: (In an aroused voice) Creature of the night.
Buffy: Creature of the night.
Scene 17: Anya to the Rescue!
(While Spike and Buffy are occupied in the closet, Drusilla in search of a puppy and Willow and Oz getting down and dirty, Anya breaks out of the narrator's room with her demon powers in search of Xander, before Angelus can get to him. Unfortunately for her, she's on the wrong side of the castle)
Angel: (Thinks to himself) That bastard! That was my moment of glory. I'll make him pay! I'll make them all pay! (Looks at copy of script) Ew, gross! Time to sleep with Xander. Come on, not cool! (Thinks to himself) Wait, that would be torture for Harris. Then again, that's torture for me too! (Sticks both of his hands out, like an imaginary scale). Torture Harris and myself or go search the castle for Spike. Choices! Wait, I know!
(Grabs the same spell book he used to make Spike a klutz) Hmmm, that works. A location spell. When I'm done with Harris, I'll find the bleached vampire and make him pay. I'm such a genius! (At this point, Drusilla walks down the hallway still looking for her puppy)
Drusilla: Angel, have you seen my puppy? It's small and furry!
Angel: No, sorry Dru. (Thinks for a second) Say, how would you like to play a little game?
Drusilla: Ok. If I win, do I get a puppy?
Angel: Yeah, sure, whatever. Now, the game is called look for the puppy.
Drusilla: Ohhhhhh, how do you play?
Angel: It's simple really. Find the puppy and lock whoever has it up in chains.
Drusilla: Ooooooooo, yeah! The King of cups expects a party, but it's not his birthday.
Angel: Um, yeah, sure. So, get to it!
Drusilla: Ok!
(She skips off in search of her puppy. Angel rolls his eyes as he searches for the spell book.)
Angel: Locatus, locotus.
Ok, the location spell is ready. Now, how do you make a puppy? (Searches the book) What do you know? I can't believe they have a spell on puppies!
Pufus, pupus, poupus
There, that will occupy Dru for awhile. Now, on to torture Xander.
(Walks down the hall and finds the bedroom. He puts on a blond wig and changes his voice)
Just remember, it's for a greater cause.
(He knocks on the bedroom door)
Angel: (Pretending to be Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. He'll destroy us.
Xander: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Angel (Pretending to be Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
Xander: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!
Angel: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...
Xander: Why YOU! what have you done with Janet?
Angel: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Xander: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never never...never...
Angel: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? (yes it is!) Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it Oh... so soft...
Xander: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet... JANET!
Angel: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you...
like...this.
Xander: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame! I thought it was the real thing!
Angel: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no
crime in giving yourself over to pleasure. We've wasted so
much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't tell.
Xander: Well, promise you won't tell...
Angel: On my mother's grave
(At this point, Anya bursts through the door in pure furry)
Anya: Get away from my man, you horny bastard!
Angel: (Chuckles) And what are you gonna do about it?
(She sets Angel's pants on fire with her laser eyes and uses one of her old spells to give him hives) [yes, she has heat vision in my story!]
Angel: Ahhhhhhhhh! Fire! Hives! You bitch! (he runs out of the room and rushes to the bathroom, where he can put himself out)
Xander: Who are you?
Anya: Oh baby, you don't remember? (She grabs him and starts kissing him. However, she accidently looks at Xander with her heat vison and sets Xander's hair on fire)
Anya: Hmmm, something spells like it's burning....
Xander: That would be my head! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Anya: Oh, oops! (She puts his head out with a fire blanket) [in my story, she happens to have a fire blanket with her, okay!]
Xander: Oh my G-d, you're a, a...
Anya: Demon! Well, I'm actually an ex demon, but for some strange reason, I have my powers back.
Xander: Get away from me, you evil, um, evil, um.... thing, you!
Anya: Oh brother, that's even more pathetic then your usual insults. Come on, I'm horny. Let's have sex.
Xander: But what about Janet?
Anya: Screw Janet. (Thinks for a second) No, not literally! She's sleeping with the butler right now! Besides, you really love me and want to have sex with me! You just don't realize it.
(She grabs Xander, and they have mad hot sex on the floor for the next 3 hours)
Scene 18: Angel's revenge.
(Angel ran to the closet bathroom and runs the bath water. He removes the pants and soaks them in the water.)
Angel: Damn that bitch! I'll get my revenge on everyone once and for all! No demon, slayer or blond vampire will stop me!
(He hears the sound of "groans" coming from Xander's room.)
Well, I guess I don't have to worry about the ex demon or Xander.
(The groans get louder and louder)
Wow, that ex demon must be a tiger in the sack! Now, how do I get rid of these hives?
(Looks in the spell book. He gets very frustrated)
They have a spell on puppies, but none on hives! What kind of a book is this? (Looks at book)
Book of puppies, location and klutz spells. Well, that explains a lot! Now, I still need to get rid of these hives! (Looks in bathroom drawer and finds anti hives cream)
How convenient!
(Drusilla is walking outside of the hall when she finds the puppy)
Drusilla: Ooooooooo, a puppy! Wait until I show Columbia!
(As she walks, she bumps into Angel)
Drusilla: Look daddy, a puppy!
Angel: That's very nice. Now, go back to the room you share with the red head and play tea party. I'll deal with Willow and Oz some other time. Right now, I have to get some revenge on someone else.
Drusilla: Ooooooooooooo. Say dad, can I turn my puppy?
Angel: No, I don't believe puppies can become vampires.
Drusilla: O, poo! How about Miss Edith?
Angel: No, that doesn't work with dolls either.
Drusilla: Oh, that's not fair.
Angel: Tell you what. Go eat some of the chorus. You can turn Willow, if you want.
Drusilla: Oooooo, ok!
(She skips down the hallway in search of the chorus)
Angel: Cute, but completely insane. Now, to find Spike. (He looks at the spell book. His location spell worked and it says where Spike and Buffy are.
Ah ha, the closet! Time for a little torture! (Grabs a sharp knife) Hopefully, she won't have her powers, but I'll beat her either way!
(He roams the hallway looking inside all of the closets.)
In the meantime, back in the closet:
Buffy: Oh Spike, don't stop!
Spike: Don't worry, I never want to.
(At this point, Buffy is beginning to remember, but still doesn't know how she feels about the vampire. All she knew is that she felt safe with him.)
Spike: Oh Buffy, please say you love me
Buffy: I, um....
(Angel bursts the door open in a rage and grabs Buffy by her neck. He holds the knife to her throat.)
Buffy: No, not you! (She screams)
Spike: Let her go!
Angel: Well, I'm guessing she doesn't have her slayer powers.
Buffy: Please let me go. Please! (She begins to cry)
Angel: And allow you to miss out on all the fun I have planned for us.
(Spike is furious and changes into his vampire face)
Buffy: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Angel: Aw, you scared the poor little slayer. Well, don't bother.
Buffy: Slayer? Wait, I think I remember.....
Angel: That a girl.
Buffy: Oh my G-d, Angelus! (She kicks him in the groin, and hurts her foot. Angel laughs)
Angel: Poor Buffy, I guess Janet wouldn't have slayer powers, would she?
Buffy: You'll never get away with this!
Angel: (Strokes her hair) Don't worry, I will!
Spike: Get the fuck away from her!
Angel: Oh, I don't think so. See, if you even attempt to rescue her, this knife goes into her neck.
Buffy: Don't worry about me, Spike. Go find the rest of the gang. Hopefully, they'll remember.
(Angel laughs and kicks Spike really hard into the closet. He's knocked out unconscious.)
Angel: No, no, no! I don't think so. Slayer, you and me are going to have a lot of fun!
(He bites into her neck, and drinks enough blood to make her unconscious for a little while)
At this point of the story, the reader can choose to read the Buffy/Angel shipper version or the Buffy/Spike shipper version. I'll post them whenever I get the chance. If you want, read both! Actually, please do read them both. Tell me which one you like better. PLEASE REVIEW! Even if you've reviewed part of my story before, review it again. Thanks.