A/N: This is a one shot based off of a tumblr post. It is a Christmas present for my dear friend Kindle, but I hope you will all enjoy it as well. It's meant to make you laugh, so I am sorry if you don't
Sexuality was no laughing matter, Harry knew that, but he just couldn't help himself. Ron was pretending that he didn't have a problem with Harry's bisexuality and Harry knew it, and frankly it pissed him off just a little bit. He hadn't really realized until after the war, though that didn't surprise him since he had spent the years previous to that trying to just stay alive.
He and Ginny had tried to get back together after the war, but he had several desires that weren't being met, not that Ginny wasn't trying. After a frank conversation about what he'd like to do and who he'd like to invite into their bed if she was willing they had decided to end their relationship. There were no tears or dramatics, it was like the closing of a business merger really, and they transitioned from boyfriend and girlfriend to best friends.
So when Harry finally felt secure enough to come out to the Weasley family, several months after breaking up with Ginny, Harry knew that despite what he was saying it wasn't leaving his sister that Ron had a problem with. After a particularly uncomfortable row that took place just out in the garden at the Burrow while family dinner was wrapping up inside Harry found himself telling Ron to fuck off before heading to the Leaky Cauldron. What he hadn't realized was that the entire family had heard the whole thing and George had decided to follow him to the pub.
Three drinks in the plan had been hatched to play a prank on Ron that would be both hilarious for everyone watching and properly put him in his place for being a wanker about the entire situation. So Harry shook George's hand agreeing to it, and mentally shelved the thoughts about the guy from the ministry he was sure he was developing a crush on and instead started mentally listing things that people might consider attractive about the Weasley children that Harry could list to Ron to make him uncomfortable while George set off to make sure all of the other siblings would play along.
It was easy enough to start with Ginny and George. So Harry slept over in George's room but allowed Ron to think it had been Ginny that he'd come to see. Ron had given him a raised eyebrow but let it go before heading to bed. George and Harry had spent less than fifteen minutes planning out what would take place at breakfast before falling asleep in entirely different beds despite what they wanted Ron to think.
That morning Harry came down to breakfast wearing a green Weasley sweater with a G on the front. Harry met Ron's eye, noting how he looked the shirt over with curiosity. It should have been to small for him if it had been Ginny's but it seemed to fit Harry just fine. Ron shrugged and returned to his coffee and Harry could practically hear him telling himself that Harry had simply enlarged it. Harry made a point to ruffle Ginny's hair as he made his way over to the coffee pot where he playfully hip checked Hermione while making a cup for himself. He hid a smile behind his cup as he bypassed Ginny entirely and went to sit beside George at the table. He saw a small smirk on Hermione's face, and wondered if she knew about the plan, before he set his cup down and turned to George.
"Good morning sweets," he said before quickly kissing George on the mouth and then calmly grabbing a piece of toast and starting to butter it.
"Good morning Harry," George said over the sound of Ron spluttering. "Will you be staying with me again tonight?"
"Sadly no," Harry said with a straight face. "I've got another date tonight, but I plan to bring them to the family dinner tomorrow night so you'll get to meet them."
"Splendid," George said before tearing in to his bacon with a smile on his face.
The kitchen was filled with the sound of Hermione and Ginny laughing so hard they could hardly breath and Hermione offering a tearful shrug to Ron as she wiped the mirth from her eyes. Harry knew then that Hermione wasn't in on the plan but her mind was quickly putting the pieces together. Her shrug told him all he needed to know though so he winked at her before he took his coffee and toast and left the room so Ron wouldn't die from asphyxiation.
The next morning Harry spent several minutes in front of the mirror strategically placing bruises on his neck so it would appear he had taken part in a delightful snogging session prior to coming to dinner. He knew that Percy would be doing the same thing this morning and they were meeting up before apparating to the Burrow so they could swap glasses and mess up their clothes to just the right look. Percy had been willing to participate so long as everything looked just so, and they he didn't actually have to kiss Harry.
"Hold still would you," Percy snapped at him with a bit of irritation. "I'm trying to make it look as if I've been fisting your hair in my hands but you hair is not cooperative at all."
"It always looks like I just snogged someone," Harry laughed. "We'd be better off doing it to yours. Besides that makes me look like the aggressor so you have plausible deniability if Ron starts in after you about suddenly being Gay."
"Fine," he agreed, removing his glasses and tilting his head forward so Harry could do what he would. "And tuck part of your shirt on the side so it looks like I was trying to jerk it out of your pants."
When they were all done messing up each other's appearances they traded glasses, and then despite how awkward it felt for both of them they embraced and then Percy used slide along to deliver them to the Burrow. As soon as the crack sounded they stooped over to make it appear that they were trying to scoop up their glasses as if they had been knocked off and then stood up when they heard the back door open. They slid them into place and reached for each other as if they were going to being snogging again just as Ron came around the corner.
"You have got to be kidding me," Ron snapped when he saw them.
Harry and Percy whipped around with guilty looks on their faces, or as close as they could get while trying not to laugh, and met Ron's glare. Harry found that he was a little blurry around the edges and thought Percy must be struggling as well because he was staring just to the left of Ron. Percy was opened his mouth to start the excuse they had planned when Hermione came around the corner to join them and started laughing again, which only agitated Ron further.
"Oh boys," Hermione said with a laugh. "You've done a poor job of hiding what you've been doing to work up your appetite. You've got each other's glasses on don't you know?"
"Well that explains it," Percy said with a chuckle. "I thought you'd just kiss me senseless. You're eyesight is truly awful honey."
"Honey?" Ron screeched. "You've got the be kidding me! How long has this been going on?"
"I hardly think mine and Harry's sexual lives are any of your business Ronald," Percy said with a frown as he folded his arms over his chest. "You're being very rude."
"Sexual lives… what… you're… Merlin I can't take this," Ron said, throwing his hands up before he stomped back into the house.
"I think you are all going to give him a coronary," Hermione said quietly. "But he needs to figure out his issues and realize that it doesn't matter who Harry is attracted to so I'm glad you guys are doing this. He certainly hasn't been listening to me."
Harry decided to give Ron a few days off before the next stunt. So he waited until halfway through the workweek to have his next 'date' meet him for lunch when they took a break from auror training. Harry pretended to be gob smacked when Charlie waltzed into the ministry cafeteria and quickly scooted over so that there was room for him to sit down in between him and Ron. Charlie muscled his way in to the space and artfully used his elbow to move Ron down a bit more before he turned a flirty smile on Harry that might have made him look twice at Charlie if it didn't feel just a bit incestual.
"Hey babe," Charlie said as he discreetly put his hand on Harry's thigh below the table where Ron would see but no one else in the cafeteria would. "I'm sorry I'm late."
"Oh it's not a big deal we just got to lunch," Harry said while making his best gooey eyes at the dragon tamer.
"I knew you wouldn't be mad," Charlie said as he used his other hand to help himself to some of Harry's food. "But I really wanted to meet you for breakfast instead. Then I could have really shown you how much I've missed you this last few weeks. There are far too many witness here in the caf."
"H-how long have you two been an item," Ron asked, his eyes glued to Charlie's hand, though Harry was happy to note that he seemed more confused than angry which was an improvement. "Because I thought that…"
"That he was with Percy?" Charlie asked with a grin as he turned to look at Ron. "Oh no, that's just an agreement we made since I am away so much. I know that Harry has a healthy appetite and I can't expect him to wank himself raw while I'm away. As long as he keeps it in the family I don't consider it cheating."
"My babe is so good to me," Harry said as he nodded his agreement but never took his eyes off Ron because he knew he'd bust out laughing if he did. "Percy doesn't know how to do that one thing like you do though."
"The one with my pinky?" he asked, making a wiggling gesture that was awfully close to Ron's face as Harry nodded his agreement. "Pity. Do you have a few minutes before you have to get back to work so I can take care of you properly?"
"Yes please," Harry said, jumping up from the table and hurrying out of the room with Charlie hot on his heels.
Ron would be sure to think they couldn't wait to get each other's clothes off, but honestly Harry had to get out of the cafeteria before he lost it and started laughing in Ron's face. They had only made it a few feet down the corridor from the cafeteria before they both started laughing, but they kept it mostly in check until they were able to duck into an open door and close it behind them. Harry was nearly on the floor from how hard he was laughing when he realized they were in someone's office and said official was glaring daggers at them. It only made the pair laugh harder.
It was two weeks later that Harry enacted the coup de gras. It had been prearranged that Molly would invite Ron over to have breakfast with his parents and talk about how auror training was going. They had strategically sent the invite a week earlier so Molly could have theoretically have forgotten she sent it.
Harry woke up extra early that morning so he could get to the Burrow before Ron. Molly and Arthur were up waiting for him, but they obviously still had their pajamas on still. They had a conspiratorial look on their faces that simultaneously made Harry nervous and excited.
"Morning," he said with a nod as he leaned against the counter.
"Good morning Harry," Arthur said with a nod of his own before gesturing to his jeans and tee. "You seem a bit over dressed."
"I uh thought maybe I ought to be in my boxers for this one," he said, feeling his cheeks flame with embarrassment. "But I can certainly understand how that would be awkward, so I could transfigure this into pajamas."
"I've got a better idea dear," Molly said with a laugh before she pulled a lump of floral fabric out of a chair near her. "We thought it would really get Ron's goat if you were wearing my bathrobe. It's freshly laundered I promise."
"Oh you are brutal," Harry said with a laugh. "Sounds great. I'll just nip into the living room to switch clothes really quick."
"Let me know when you're done," Arthur told him as he stood from the table. "I'll fill you in on the rest of what we came up with when I join you."
Harry was intrigued but said nothing more. He quickly removed his trainers, jeans, and tee before throwing on Molly's robe. He immediately started laughing. It didn't fit right so it hung open over his chest even when he had the sash tied which inadvertently made it seem like he was trying to be sexual. That was completely at off with the pink and purple flowers all over it of course.
"Does your laughter mean you're ready," Arthur asked from the kitchen with mirth in his voice.
"Yes," Harry said as he stooped to fold up his clothes. "You'll have to tell me the rest of your plan, I am very interested."
"We were thinking about it for awhile and trying to come up with what would make him most uncomfortable but also force him to start asking all sorts of questions," Arthur explained as he went to sit in the armchair near the fire. "We are of course hoping to transition this right into a conversation on sexuality which you are welcome to stay for if you are comfortable. If not we still intend to have it. I just don't understand how Ron ended up so closed minded with how we raised him."
"The wizarding world can be fairly closed minded Mr. Weasley," Harry said with a shrug. "He's a product of the world he grew up in, and I think this issue has more to due with his struggle for control that still lingers after the war than it has to do with blatantly hating any sexuality that is not considered mainstream."
"You're going to have to call him something other than Mr. Weasley if you're going to get Ron to believe we've just had a threesome dear," Molly said as she leaned on the doorjamb from the kitchen with three cups of coffee hovering near her.
"You're right, I wasn't thinking," Harry said, fighting the blush that he felt on the back of his neck when he thought about just what they would be implying to Ron. "I think I can handle dear, but if I try anything else I'll laugh or do something else to give the game away."
"Well, think on that while we tell you what we thought of," Molly said with a smirk. "I sent him a letter saying to floo over so I am sure he will come through that fireplace right there in a few minutes."
"But we thought we ought to pretend that we thought he was apparating and that he was coming later," Arthur explained. "So he can stumble in on us in the middle of something. No, no, I don't mean that."
Arthur and Molly both laughed when they saw his eyes widen at the implications.
"No, we were thinking you ought to be cuddling with Arthur in the chair as I am making my way in with coffee for all of us," Molly explained. "It gives the idea of deep intimacy without any of us doing anything supremely uncomfortable."
"Oh," Harry said as his shoulders dropped in relief. "Thank Merlin. It was strange enough to kiss George."
"Oh I bet," Arthur laughed before checking his watch. "We've only got about thirty seconds, so if you'd hop up we can get this show on the road."
Harry laughed as Arthur tapped his lap and shook his head as he made his way over. He pretended that it was not at all awkward to sit in the lap of a man that felt like a second father to him. He leaned into his shoulder and looked up at his face trying to decide if he should look like he was soaking in affection or looking for a kiss just as the floo lit up. He made a snap decision to fist Arthur's shirt in his fist before Ron could step into the room.
"Oh… oh Ron I thought you were coming later on… and apparating in," Molly said in a fretful voice as she reacted to 'dropping' all three coffee mugs on the living room floor. "We weren't expecting you so soon. I'm sorry."
"Why're you so—"
Ron stopped in his tracks and stared when he saw Harry in his father's lap. His jaw worked soundlessly as his face grew redder and redder and there was an almost scary silence in the room.
"H-Harry what the hell?" Ron whispered before the dam broke and he began to look angry. "YOU CANNOT SLEEP WITH EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. MERLIN ONLY KNOWS WHY THEY WOULD BE SLEEPING WITH YOU!"
"Ron calm down," Molly said quietly.
"NO MUM! THIS IS SO FUCKED UP!" Ron shouted. "It's basically incest."
The room was even quieter after his soft statement.
"Is that the part that bothers you son," Arthur said as he help Harry up off his lap and walked over to his son. "Or is it the idea of two men sleeping together or even two men and a woman."
"No it's that you're my parents and they are my siblings!" He snapped. "At first I thought it was what you were saying, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I don't care who Harry sleeps with unless it's my siblings. I didn't think I had to worry about my parents though!"
"And is it only me, or do you not care if any women sleep with women or men with men, or both?" Harry asked quietly.
"Any," Ron said, still glaring at Harry. "People can sleep with whoever they like, but you can't. Not anymore. Not if your plan is to sleep your way through the Weasley clan."
"Well I think my work here is done," Harry said with a smile as he reached behind Arthur's chair to grab his stack of clothes. ""Molly I'll return your robe by lunch today but I think for now I need to leave and you guys can talk to Ron about how I haven't slept with anyone in his family, and explain why this sexual education proved to be quite necessary for him. I need to get ready for work, and make sure that Vick at work doesn't think that I am interested in anyone other than him."