*Disclaimer*: I do not own "The Loud House" or "Fist Of The North Star". "The Loud House" is the property of Chris Savino and "Fist Of The North Star" is owned by Buronson and Tetsuo Hara. Please support the official releases.
"Oh, Bobby. You're such a sweetheart. How did you know that I love Godiva Chocolate? Don't worry, Boo-Boo Bear. I won't hog it all up. I'll give you some of my chocolate, and boy are you going to LOVE the way I'll give it to you. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ooooh Bobby, I love it when you talk dirty. Okay, I have to go now. I got a long day ahead of me. Bye, Boo-Boo Bear." Lori Loud gave her beloved on the other side of the line a smooch and hung up her smart phone. Nothing starts a beautiful Saturday morning better than being with all her family under one roof. To the average person, all the chaos going on in the Loud House would be a major headache. But for a Loud, it's just another great day with the family. Just when Lori was about to head to her room, the eldest of the Loud siblings heard some Japanese rock music blasting from a boom-box on the floor. Lori Loud clearly didn't understand Japanese, but the rock song was pretty damn catchy. The name of the song was "You Are Shock!"
Standing next to the boom-box was Lincoln Loud, dressed in dark leather and looking as though he was the fusion of Bruce Lee and Mad Max. Lincoln wore a serious face and got into his freaky kung-fu stance, facing Lori and preparing to unleash his wrath upon her! All Lori could do was stare at him as if he was an alien from another planet.
"Uh… Lincoln? What the hell are you doing?" Lori asked.
"I'm not Lincoln. My name is Kenshiro! THE FIST OF THE NORTH STAR! I protect the weak and the innocent from gutter-trash like you! And you're not going to hurt any more people!"
"Lincoln, I think you've had way too many cans of Coca-Cola…." Lori said.
"Now prepare to face the wrath of my martial art: HOKUTO SHINKEN! AATAAAAAAH!" After throwing a few fancy kicks and punches to show off his moves, Lincoln lunged toward Lori and started poking many spots all over her body with his fingertips, making his hands move like a blur. Lori just stood there, completely dumbfounded.
"AAAAAATATATATATATATATATATA…." Lincoln, the 'Fist Of The North Star' reeled his right hand back, preparing for the finishing blow!
"AAAATAAAAAAAHH!" Lincoln thrusted his finger right towards Lori and poked her right in the head. Lincoln turned his back on Lori and stood there like a total badass.
"The One Hundred Crack Fist Of The North Star! You're already dead…" Lincoln announced.
"I'm… already dead? What am I supposed to do? Collapse or something?" Lori asked, trying her best to go along with the act.
"Actually, Lori, you're supposed to blow up and become a real bloody mess. Just wait right there. I'll be right back." Lincoln quickly turned off his boom-box and headed right into his room. When he came back out, he carried with him a huge bucket. Lori saw what was inside and began to cringe and back away from her little brother.
"Lincoln… don't you dare…. DON'T YOU DARE DO WHAT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA DO! Lincoln, if you're going to do it, I'll make you regret the day you were ever born! I'm serious, Lincoln! LINCOLN, THIS ISN'T FUNNY! LINCOLN- AAAAAAAAAAAHHH-" Lincoln dumped all the fake blood all over Lori's head.
"There ya go. NOW you look like all the villains Kenshiro killed! A REAL bloody mess!"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LINCOLN!" Lori grabbed a broom from the closet and started swinging away at Lincoln. Lincoln high-tailed out there and headed straight downstairs, but Lori was in hot pursuit. The more she kept swinging for Lincoln's head, the closer she was in hitting her target. In the living room, Lincoln tried to keep the wooden table between himself and his eldest sibling.
"Oh, come on, Lori. Remember what Vash The Stampede once said: Love And Peace!" Lincoln said.
"Oh, you're going to experience peace all right… WHEN I SEND YOU TO YOUR GRAVE, YOU FREAKING LITTLE TROLL!"
"Whoa. He got you really good." Lincoln and Lori jumped out of fright by Lucy Loud's sudden appearance. Many of the Louds tend to wonder whether Lucy Loud was cut out to either be a witch or a ninja.
"Lucy, don't creep me out like that. I was about to bash this broom right into Lincoln's-" When Lori turned around, she realized that Lincoln was gone. This irritated Lori even further.
"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! Lincoln's acting like some whacko Bruce Lee from a bleak future, poked me all over my body, and then dumped all this fake blood all over me! Wait 'til I get my hands on him!" Lori stated.
"So he decided to test the fake blood on you, huh? I don't know if I should feel bad about you getting drenched by my fake blood or if I should feel great as to how realistic the blood turned out."
"Lucy, why would you make the blood for HIM of all people?"
"Because that new show he's watching, 'Fist Of The North Star', is one of the bloodiest shows to ever hit the airwaves, and Lincoln asked me to make some for him to stay true to the show. So I did." Lori let out a sigh and looked at all the fake blood all over her body.
"… Oh boy. Now how am I going to clean up this mess?" Lisa Loud showed up from the kitchen and gave Lori and Lucy a light smile.
"Fear not, my eldest sibling. Thanks to my modifications of the blood, it will all disappear instantly, looking as if the blood never spilled on you at all." Seconds later, the fake blood disappeared and didn't leave a hint of stain on Lori's clothes. Even her hair was free from the red ooze.
"Oh, thank God. You two are geniuses."
"Thanks, Lori," Lucy and Lisa said simultaneously. Lori, Lucy, and Lisa heard a lot of laughter coming from upstairs. Luna, Luan, Lola, and Lana were laughing uncontrollably when they headed downstairs to the living room.
"What's up with you guys?" Lori asked.
"It's Lincoln. He looks so incredibly ridiculous! He looks like a midget stunt double of Max from "Mad Max: Fury Road!" Luna said.
"I thought Kung Fury was bad, but Lincoln looks much sillier!" Luan said, laughing even harder.
"Did you see him in that ridiculous outfit? It looks like his butt was about rip right out of his pants!" Lola blurted out.
"Yeah, and boy does he have a BIG butt!" Lana said. While the girls were laughing hysterically, Leni came downstairs and had a look of total disapproval.
"Hey, that wasn't very nice, you guys! I put a lot of hard work in making him that outfit! Lincoln asked me to make that outfit for him since he's such a huge fan of 'Fist Of The North Star'. He wants to be so much like his hero. To be honest, I think he looks adorable in that leather biker-outfit." Leni said.
"He sure does look adorable, all right… adorable enough to join the VILLAGE PEOPLE!" Luan blurted out. This time, all the girls except Leni laughed without any hint of control. Lori imagined Lincoln being a member of the gay disco group from back in the 1970's. Picturing Clyde dressed up as an indian, Rusty as a construction worker, and Bobby as a police officer made her laugh even more hysterically.
Fuming with anger, Lincoln Loud stomped right out of the house and slammed the door on the way out. As he headed towards the park, he heard his sisters singing the song "YMCA" while watching him head off. This made Lincoln blush out of embarrassment. Leni watched helplessly as she watched Lincoln head to the park all by himself.
"… Oh, Lincoln…" Leni said to herself, feeling concerned about his feelings.
-:-:-
"AWRIGHT! ANOTHER HOME RUN!" Lynn Loud was working on her batting skills on the baseball field. The pitching machine fired yet another baseball right at Lynn, and once again the young athlete hit another ball right over the fence. Lynn didn't mind collecting all the balls she hit, more than half of them right out of the field. Gathering all the balls she hit was just another good way to burn the calories.
When Lynn was about to take another swing at the next incoming baseball, someone snuck up from behind her and placed his hands on her waist.
"Hey, what the hell!" Lynn quickly broke free from young man's hands and turned around to see who did it. Right in front of her were three teenage boys, all of them smiling as they checked out Lynn's body.
"What's up, cutie? You shouldn't be all alone out here in the park. Girls like you need to be accompanied by some boys. Ain't that right, Jake?"
"That's right, Mitch. It's not right for a girl to be all by herself. Since we have the whole park to ourselves, why don't you have fun with the three of us…" Lynn backed away from the boys and felt a terrible chill run down her spine. The brown-haired girl raised the handle of her bat near her head, ready to crack some skulls.
"You creeps had better back off right now. If you don't, I swear I'm gonna seriously hurt you guys! Now back off and-" The third young man grabbed the bat from behind Lynn and tossed it away.
"Good job, Theo. GRAB HER." Jake and Theo grabbed Lynn by the arms and pinned her back to the ground. Lynn tried to wrestle them off, but they were too strong for her. Smiling, Mitch mounted on top of Lynn and slowly brushed his nose through her hair.
"GET OFF ME, YOU ASSHOLE!" Lynn screamed. That only made Mitch lick his lips.
"Oh, I really love it when you fight back. That really turns me on, sexy girl…" Mitch started to unbutton her shirt. By the time he undid the third button, he ripped it wide open, exposing her black bra to the boys. Lynn screamed in terror, but the boys only laughed and took joy in her suffering. Mitch began to unbutton her pants.
"I'm going to enjoy doing you, cutie…." Just when he was about to pull down her pants, he heard someone screaming from far away, and the scream was getting louder and louder. When he looked up to see where the vicious scream was coming from, a young white-haired boy leapt into the air and kicked Mitch right into the face, breaking his nose and shattering his teeth. The leader of the three young men got completely knocked off of Lynn and skidded down the dirt. The other two boys let go of Lynn and faced the white-haired boy who smashed their leader's face, and holy shit was the boy pissed!
"… Stay the fuck away from her…." Lincoln Loud growled. Lynn immediately buttoned up her shirt and pants and stood right next to Lincoln.
"Beat it, kid! Get your own girl! What the hell are you, one of the Village People?" Jake asked. That only made Lincoln Loud see RED. Screaming with rage, Lincoln ripped his shirt and leather vest right off his torso, revealing his well-chiseled muscles. On his chest were seven dots, which made the shape of the Big Dipper.
Lynn stared at her younger brother, unable to take her eyes away from his body.
"… Oh my…" Lynn whispered to herself.
In a blink of an eye, Lincoln rammed his fist right into Jake's jaw, breaking it instantly and making him hit the dirt. When he was about to get up, Lincoln kicked his skull like a football and knocked him out cold. Theo tried to tackle Lincoln, but the white-haired boy sprawled the takedown attempt and kneed him in the skull a few times, making Theo's body go limp. Lincoln tossed his body into the dirt and drove his foot right into his face.
Mitch tried to get up, but Lynn punched him right in the jaw and knocked him back into the dirt.
"ASSHOLE!" Lynn screamed. Mitch writhed in pain and held his jaw. Fueled by total rage, Lincoln mounted on top of Mitch and delivered a serious case of ground-and-pound. He rammed his fists into the young man's face again and again. After knocking more teeth out of Mitch, Lincoln delivered huge elbows into Mitch's face, nearly breaking his cheekbones. Feeling the rage boil even further inside him, Lincoln wrapped his hands around Mitch's neck and began to strangle him. The beaten young man tried to break free from Lincoln's grip, but the boy's grip was too great. Mitch's eyes began to roll back into his skull as he tried in vain to gasp for air.
"You will never touch her again… YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH HER AGAIN…"
"Lincoln, that's enough! You're gonna kill him! Please stop. It's over…" Realizing what he was doing, Lincoln finally took his hands away from Mitch's neck and got off the bastard. Disgusted by the vile predator, Lincoln placed his foot on Mitch's torso and violently shoved him away from himself and Lynn. Crying uncontrollably, Lynn knelt down to Lincoln and hugged him.
"Thank God you came, Lincoln! I was so scared!" Lynn sobbed. Relieved that his older sister was fine, Lincoln gently hugged her back, daring not to let her go. Feeling tears run down her cheeks, Lynn rested her chin on Lincoln's shoulder and held on tight to her knight in shining armor.
"Don't worry, Lynn. You're safe now. I'll always protect you. Always…"