The Right Thing, by Dickfart
Once everyone stopped that fake, arrogant, self-righteous, masturbatory moral posturing bullshit that makes American liberals look like the fucking jokes and hypocrites that they are, everyone banded together and praised Light for his enLIGHTened (see what I did there?) ways of conducting criminal justice.
"Kill everyone that's bad, bad evolves out of our species."
"Of course. It's genius!"
"Yes, yes. Well, I have work to do and you're cutting into my shinigami's apple time, so you all need to leave," said Light, still handcuffed to L like a champ.
His father stopped to tell him how proud he was, gave his son a hug and kiss, and left the room. Only L, Light, Ryuuk, and the Death Note remained.
"Are you sure Miss Misa is OK with this?" L asked.
"I don't pay you to ask questions, now assume the position," said Light, gesturing under the desk.
L planted himself between Light's legs and grumbled, "You don't pay me at all." Then he whipped Light's penis out of his khakis and proceeded to suck it.
Meanwhile, Light whipped out his second favorite phallic instrument, the fabled pen. Then he filled pages and pages of his Death Note with names of criminals. He started with every conservative politician in every developed nation. He then moved on to every liberal politician in every developed nation. Then he went after every CEO of every major corporation in every developed nation. Then he went after every bank, journalist, lobbyist, board member, committee, miscellaneous discussionist, sponsor, actor, writer, composer, and any other sellouts whose names and faces he happened upon. And then he went after their lawyers. By then the criminal heart of the world was catching on and using false names, so Light had no choice but to cut his life in half and accept the shinigami eyes. As Jesus sacrificed himself for all our sins, thus did Light, sacrificing his humanity for a brief high, brought on by his God complex.
All while L sucked his dick.
"Hot," said Ryuuk on his fifth apple. He was getting freaky tonight.
The End