A.N. Hi! Sorry, but I love Deadpool and Seth so I decided to make a 'Seth imprints on Wade fanfiction. So this is Deadpool, but if Seth was Vanessa. I do not own the cover image but it was amazing so I used it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Deadpool or Twilight, but I sort of wish I did. Own Deadpool, I mean, I'm not as big a fan of Twilight. Only Seth... and Leah...
Wade was sitting in the back of a taxi, looking at some pamphlets. Dressed in his Deadpool outfit, complete with all of his weapons, he picked a pamphlet advertising 'Haunted Segway Tours', folded it up and put it in his pocket. He plays with the window, opening and closing it, putting his hand out and making 'wind' noises. Finding some gum on the ceiling of the car, he flicks it but it lands on the camera lens. He picks it off.
Suddenly, he poked his head through the divider, startling the driver.
"Kinda lonesome back here." Deadpool said. All the while climbing through the divider. "Little help?"
"Sir, I have to keep my hands on the wheel." The cab driver said nervously.
Deadpool finished climbing through and the cab driver sticks out his hand.
"Dopinder." He said.
"Pool. Dead." Deadpool greets him.
They shake hands and Deadpool notices a picture of a cute girl on Dopinder's dashboard.
"Mmm. Nice."
"Smells good no?" Dopinder was, of course, talking about the scented flower on the dashboard next to the girl.
"Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl." Deadpool greets him.
"Ah, yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She would have made me a very agreeable wife, but, um... Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bantu. He is as dishonourable as he is attractive." Dopinder reveals to Deadpool.
"Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today."
"Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?"
"No, my slender, brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream."
"Mmm." Dopinder hums in agreement. And confusion.
"So you gotta hold onto love. Tight!" Deadpool makes a fist and Dopinder copies him.
"And never let it go." Deadpool says. "Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?"
Dopinder nods.
"Yes." Dopinder says.
"Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga."
Stuttering, Dopinder asks, "Sir, what does Mama June taste like?"
"Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss."
"Okay, stop." Dopinder pleads with Deadpool.
"I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad." Deadpool assures the other man (boy?).
"It's bad," Dopinder repeats. "Uh, why the fancy red suit Mr Pool?"
"Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days, and oh..." He checks his Adventure Time watch. "Fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me."
"And what did he do to you?"
"This shit." Deadpool said after lifting up his mask and pointing to his heavily scarred face. "Boo!"
Francis was sitting on top of a crate while a helicopter landed a few yards away. Some men got off and one approached him. Francis smiled, and tapped on the crate before standing up.
"They won't disappoint." Francis said.
"They better not." The man said. "What about next month's shipment?"
"There won't be one. You're not the only one with a war to win." Francis said, smiling.
"That won't do."
"See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain." Francis grabbed the man by the neck and lifted him into the air.
"We'd appreciate your patience." Francis said.
"Okay!" The man said.
"We'll deliver in full the following month."
He dropped the man, who chokes a little.
"Pleasure doing business with you." Francis said, walking off in true bad-guy fashion and he and his men leave.
"Fucking mutant!" The man said to himself.
Some men grab the crates and Francis's convoy drives off.
Deadpool begins patting his costume, looking for something. He looks in the backseat.
"Aw, shit! I forgot my ammo bag." He whines.
"Shall we turn back?" Dopinder asks.
"Nope, no time. Fuck it. I got this. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve bullets, or bust." He said counting his bullets. "We're here!"
Dopinder slams on the brakes while they're on the middle of a bridge over a highway.
Turning to Deadpool, Dopinder says, "That's, uh, twenty seven fifty."
"I, I never carry a wallet while I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit."
"Oh!" Dopinder says disappointedly.
"But, uh, how 'bout a crisp high-five!"
"Okay." They high-five.
"Merry Christmas!" Deadpool says.
"And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Mr Pool!"
He got out of the cab and sat on the edge of the railing, listening to music while colouring a picture he drew with crayons. He started singing along with the music. The picture is one of him shooting a man in the head with a speech bubble coming from the dead man saying, 'Hi! I'm Francis!'
He turns his head to the camera.
"Wha- Oh! Oh, hello. I know, right? Who's balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with 'Pullverine'. And let me tell you," He switches to an Australian accent. "He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and - oh! Bad guys to kill."
He had spotted Francis's convoy.
"Maximum effort."
He walks off to the side of the bridge, landing in one of the cars in the convoy. He beats all of the men in the car, sending one flying out of the car and only barely holding on to the back. Deadpool just laughs at him. One of the men takes his head and slams it into a car seat.
"Rich, corinthian leather."
He beats the man holding him down before snapping his neck.
"I'm looking for Francis. How have you seen this man?" He holds up his crayon drawing. But the man just shoves Deadpool's head into the car radio, changing the station. Someone rides up next to the car on a motorcycle. They fire into the car but end up killing everyone but Deadpool.
Deadpool kicked the car door opening, sending the guy on the motorcycle flying. The guy on the back starts to pull himself back up. Deadpool holds the gas pedal down, and they crash into the car in front. Deadpool takes both of the men in headlocks. For one of them, he took out a cigarette lighter and branded it on the man's forehead. Then he shoved it into the man's mouth and holds the jaw shut.
"I've never said this, but don't swallow." Deadpool said.
Another car pulls up beside them. Inside, men are prepared to shoot. Deadpool swerved the car, causing it to flip and crash. In the car, Deadpool grabbed the man on the motorcycle by the waist, pulling him into the sinning wreck. Everything slowed down for a moment.
"Shit. Did I leave the stove on?" Deadpool asked the audience.
Everything returned to normal speed as a chain sliced the biker's head off. Another man is sent flying, crashing into a highway sign as bodies fell out of the car. Finally the car came to a stop...
At Xavier's mansion, Colossus was eating cereal while watching the news report.
"Now, breaking news: A multi car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. Gridlock has kept people from the scene." The news reporter on the television was saying. "Residents are advised to remain in their homes, the assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing a red suit."
"Red suit." Colossus said at the same time as the news reporter.
He slams his hands on the table and stands up.
"Deadpool. Negasonic! Come. We have mission."
They walked side by side down a hallway and approach a door, which opens automatically.
"Colossus, wait up!" Negasonic called to the larger man.
They approached a plane in the hanger.
"I've given Deadpool every chance to join us. But he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?" Colossus asked Negasonic.
"Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?" She said sarcastically.
"Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here. Protein bar. Good for bones." He handed a protein bar to Negasonic. "Deadpool may try to break yours."
They took off in the plane, towards where Deadpool was.
A number of men got out of surrounding cars with guns and approach the car that Deadpool is in. He rolls down the window and pops his head back up.
"Hey! Oh!" Deadpool says.
The men had begun shooting at him, so he put his head back down. After a moment they stopped. Some of them exchange glances and they all approach the car . Deadpool throws his hands up.
"Wait! You may be wondering, why the red suit? Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy's got the right idea." He pointed to one of the men.
"He wore the brown pants!"
The man shoots at the car for the moment so Deadpool put his hands down.
"Fine! I only have twelve bullets, so you're going to have to share. Let's count 'em down."
He jumped into the air, quickly firing off two shots, the casings having '12' and '11' on them. Two men get shot in the head. The men begin shooting again. One rider past on a motorcycle, shooting as he goes. Deadpool looked down at his arm.
"Shit!"
He held his arm out, to reveal a bullet hole going straight through his arm. Through the hole he sees the motorcycle coming back.
"Mother fucker! Ten." He shoots and misses. "Shit! Nine." He misses again. "Fuck! Eight." He one again missed. "Shit fuck!"
He leapt over the car and takes aim but loses his chance at a good shot as the motorcycle drove away.
"Bad Deadpool."
He notices one of the men sneaking around the car, unaware that Deadpool was behind him. Deadpool shot him in the head.
"Seven. Good Deadpool."
Another man began shooting at him. Deadpool hid behind a car. The man reloads and shoots some more, then jumps on the car to find Deadpool seductively posed. He tries to shoot but his gun just clicks.
"Someone's not counting."
He shot the man in the head.
"Six."
A pair of men approached, one armed with a grenade. Deadpool shot it while it was still in the man's hand causing it to explode and kill both men. The bullet casing said five on it. Deadpool did a celebratory dance. Someone sneaks up behind him and shoots him. Deadpool lied down on the floor, pretending to be dead. The man approached.
"Four."
He shoots the man between his legs. He got up groaning.
"Ah! Right up main street."
He walked up to the man he just shot and shoots him again twice.
"Three! Two! Stupid! Worth it."
Some more men begin shooting at him so he ducked behind another car. Three men approached it. Deadpool jumps over the car and shoots his last bullet, passing through all of their heads. Deadpool smelled the smoke from his guns.
"Ooh! I'm touching myself tonight."
Deadpool begins prancing through the wreckage and bodies.
"Francis! Francis!"
He searches one of the cars.
"What the shit biscuit! Where are you at, Francis?"
Behind him, one of the men he shot gets up.
"Ugh. You're not Francis."
Rather than killing him, the bullet just lodged in his forehead. He pulls it out and rolls up his sleeves.
"Really? Rolling up the sleeves?"
The man pulls out some knives and charges at Deadpool. Deadpool takes out his swords and skewers the man. Everything slowed to a stop.
Deadpool started narrating, "You're probably thinking, 'My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but this guy in the red suit just turned the other guy into a fucking kebab.' Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And this is exactly what this is. A love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to way before I squeezed this ass into red spandex."