Loneliness

Loneliness was that feeling you'd get at 3 AM when you're sitting on your bed, looking at Snapchat stories and seeing everyone so happy. It'd hit you like a freight train; the fact that you're so utterly alone because you don't have a best friend, or any friends really. And the few that you do have prefer to be around other people.

Loneliness was being surrounded by people who didn't understand you. Family, friends, strangers. No one understood you because you're weird. Becuase you prefer to be stuck in fictional worlds rather than the real one. Because the people you feel closest to and most comfortable around aren't real.

Loneliness was the color grey. It's not as dark as depression (yet) and certainly not as bright as joy. It's the color you see when it's raining and everything is gloomy. It's the color of dreariness and a dull heartache and exhaustion.

Loneliness was being afraid. Afraid to talk loud, afraid to ask for help when you so clearly need it, afraid to be viewed as stupid or ignorant. Afraid to be seen at all.

Loneliness was keeping your distance from everyone. It was putting up a cold facade so not one could hurt you. It was allowing other people to make fun of you, calling you names such as 'faggot.'

Loneliness was dark and consuming and so hard to escape from. It was not living, just merely surviving, going through the motions, not caring if you died that day.

Depression

Depression was worse. You would almost prefer to feel lonely again, because at least you'd be able to feel something.

Depression was not having the strength to get out of bed. It was being called lazy and unproductive and a procrastinator. It was people not understanding that you really couldn't get out of bed because the mere thought of moving seemed like so much work.

Depression was black. A deep, dark, endless pit. It was the color of nightmares, and it hid the monsters from sight until the last of the light had faded. That's when the monsters come out to play, taunting you and calling you, telling you to do bad things to yourself.

Depression was wearing long sleeves to hide the scars. It was constantly getting questioned by your family if you're alright, and barely having the energy to reply with your usual 'I'm fine.' So you reply with an 'I'm just tired.' Which is true. You're tired of living, of breathing, of going through life day after day and pretending that everything was fine. You were just so tired.

Depression was numb. It was not caring if your little brother died, because you just couldn't bring yourself to. It was going through the motions, acting as if you were a ghost.

Depression was being called an attention whore. It was trying to explain to your mother that you had it, and her just brushing it off as teen angst. It was feeling so helpless, so voiceless, that you didn't even think twice before swallowing the pills.

Depression was screaming when you woke up in the hospital, still alive. It was crying and shouting and you finally letting your mask crack, finally allowing others to see the pain that you've been hiding deep down inside.

Depression was being taken to a councilor, even though you insisted you didn't need one, that it would just make you worse. It was having to talk to others about your problems, and being surprised when they too had the same problem.

Depression was earthquakes. It came through your world, shaking and knocking everything over. And just when you thought you were fine, it came back for more, effectively knocking you off your feet. It was looking around and realizing that everything was broken. It was finally starting to repair yourself.

Happiness

Happiness was the color his his eyes. It was a calming, pretty blue shade with a light that didn't seem to fade. It was the color that woke you up in the mornings, staring into your eyes with a happy grin that tugged your own lips into a smile.

Happiness was waiting for him to wake up so you could watch anime together, happy you finally found someone who shared your interests. It was watching his face as he saw the episodes for the first time.

Happiness was feeling his arms around you, as if they were trying to shield you from all the bad in the world. It was the feeling of being loved, of being wanted. It was being his best friend and making each other smile all the time.

Happiness was the silly games you'd play on your joint YouTube channel. It was laughing as he failed to beat you. It was having a real, actual smile on your face, and you wondering how you survived all those years without him.

Happiness was knowing that he understood why you sometimes got so sad that you could barely move, and him trying his best to help you through whatever demons you were facing.

Happiness was finding someone who actually listened to your ramblings and didn't find you weird. It was the feeling of calm, of serenity, of not having to worry about if he found you stupid.

Happiness was finding someone so unique. It was watching him tell a story, mesmerized at how easily the words came to him. It was being naturally drawn to him, like you both were magnets. It was looking over at him every few seconds with a loving look, still not believing that he was yours.

Happiness was that feeling you got at 4 AM when you laughed so hard that you could barely breath. It was his eyes twinkling like stars and his smile that was so bright, it could make the sun jealous. It was feeling privileged that you got to see it all the time.

Happiness was all the nights spent together on the roof, talking about nothing and everything. It was slowly, over time, forgetting about the bad times. It was replacing the tears with laughter. It was fixing yourself.

Happiness was him helping you forget about ever feeling lonely or depressed or helpless.

So this is very different from what I'm used to writing, but idk i kinda like it

Leave a review telling me what you think!

Until next time,

~Queen