hello this was inspired by sleepless nights by ayokay
Round circles of light dot the pavement that his feet take him down. Each step grinds against the ground with a familiar crunch and it's almost a surprise that there's no risk of stumbling over broken concrete nor of stepping into an unexpected sinkhole. The windows of either building on the sides of street have curtains drawn tightly over them. Only a couple have light spilling out from slim cracks between the curtains.
He's walked down this road a thousand times.
But they never feel right.
It's midnight, yet his eyes are wide open. Thoughts run through his mind at the speed of a rocket, yet he can't seem to discern any of them.
He wonders if the thought of sleep terrifies him. That morning, he'd woken up with a sheen of cold sweat before rushing out his apartment, ignoring warnings from the part of him that was still sane. Blood rushed towards his head and pounded at his skull. Adrenaline filled his entire being and he felt as if he could run for hours. His legs screamed and protested at the sudden exercise they weren't used to. His body should be in pain but all that he feels is an emptiness claiming him whole.
He remembers pushing past people glaring his way with nothing more than half-hearted apologies. He remembers looking out the window of the train and seeing nothing. That beach was his destination. When he finally slowed to a stop, his eyes searched, desperately combed through the few people here and there. Out of the two people with their arms hooked around a surfboard, neither were Saiduq. There's no way Saiduq could be here, he knew this, so why did it still feel like there wasn't any air in his lungs?
His body felt numb. He wished his mind could feel the same numbness.
He remembers dragging his feet slowly back into his apartment. Daichi was confused and worried for him, but he reassured him that it should be of no concern, that it would be better soon. As his best friend, Daichi knew that the words out of his mouth spelled lies, but also as his best friend, he let him be with promises that he'd ask again the next day. They smiled at each other, forced smiles illustrating an illusion of calm before Daichi left to take care of some business, presumably to meet his girlfriend.
Silence fell over the room then. The alarm clock Daichi had complaint of the noise ticked, true to his testament, loudly and distractingly from the table beside him. But the distraction was welcome and he shut his eyes to the rhythmic tick by the second.
He dreamt of the perfect ending. He dreamt of a world where no one was sacrificed, where everyone walked down to the beach, hand in hand with wide smiles across their faces. He dreamt of Saiduq popping out of thin air, comforting him with words that everything was now fine.
He dreamt of the unattainable.
The alarm clock chimed six o'clock and he jumped out of his seat in a panic. He took apart the clock and threw away the batteries in a flurry of rage. When he sat down and looked out the window, a part of him melted.
Bathed in the scarlet glow of the sun dipping below the horizon, was Tokyo, the bustling city where the humans Saiduq had loved so resided. He kept on watching, as if in a trance, as the sun disappeared behind a building until its last rays of light faded out of existence. Almost on prompt, the streetlights lining the streets flickered on, one by one down the street. The sky, abandoned by the warmth of the sun, was soon enough illuminated with the blinding city lights.
His feet stop. His head jerks up at the sight of white— A cat meows innocently from behind a bush and Hibiki shuts his eyes, holding back the wetness welling up.
The days when he'd be shocked out of his mind with Saiduq's sudden appearances are over. But those are easy words to say, getting the thought through his brain isn't.
Somewhere in the midst of his inner monologue, his feet started moving again, taking him through the twisted streets of Tokyo and in front of the Diet Building. He tilts his head up and wonders if Yamato still recalled the being that was Saiduq, or the one that called him brother. Or maybe he's the one that's gone mad, with memories of three timelines reset for the better of humanity.
"I'm sleeping," he says, testing out the sounds of the same words he'd jokingly told Saiduq the first time. A laugh bubbles out of his mouth the same way he did at the time when he remembers the genuine apology Saiduq had immediately responded with. The laugh grows when he remembers the look of slight offence when Saiduq wore when he realized Hibiki's shoulder shaking with held-back laughter. He laughs and he can't stop laughing. His body shakes with the hilarity of nothing, taking off in a run when he sees a guard slowly make his way towards him.
It's not funny. There's nothing that's funny. His foot catches on a piece of rock and the ground raises to meet his face. He finally realizes that he's not laughing.
Thick streams of tears flow from the corners of his eyes, hitting the ground in perfect circles that darken the way it would in the rain.
He wonders if Saiduq's beside him. He wonders if Saiduq's disgusted.
The humans that he's spent his life helping are just messes, unable to part themselves from a desire even for the better of the world. Putting their own wishes before anyone else's, they convince themselves that they alone are deserving of happiness.
It's been over a year since those memories first squeezed themselves into his mind. He'd wandered around Tokyo aimlessly for days, painting images in his head over parts of the city. It's been over a year. There's no reason he should still be like this.
He takes one last look at the Diet Building before looking up in to sky. The moon is almost full, and a plane streaks through the air every now and again. There are no twinkling stars.
Hibiki blinks, wipes at his eyes and heads back to his apartment.