Hey, it's time for some dumb self-indulgent nonsense!

That's actually all I have to say?

Anyway enjoy.

Chapter One

A Fresh Start

(And punching people)

The worst thing about the move wasn't the climate, amazingly. Rather, it was the fact that Mia had to go by "Michael" in public. She hated it, but her parents were endlessly dodgy about it. She had taken to not talking out of protest, and found that she actually kind of liked not talking. Her parents just… kind of shrugged it off, much to her frustration.

Eventually, her father kicked her out. To go out and make friends like "normal kids".

She sort of wanted to punch him in the jaw, but she couldn't reach and he was still probably capable of outpunching the aggressive little girl. She refused to mentally call herself a boy. Fuck. That. She had her hair cut short enough to pass as a boy, and didn't wear that much "girly" stuff anyway. Sure, occasionally slipping into a dress or wearing a pink tee was nice, but those were to be kept in their closet until her parents decided that she could actually be herself for once.

"You shall die by my warhammer drow elf!"

Oh hey. Two kids LARPing. They looked about her age. And holy shit, they were really going at it- the kid playing the elf had a wooden sword but was whacking the crap out of the smaller blonde boy, and the blonde boy had a bona fide ball-peen hammer that could probably break some bones if it got swung hard enough.

At first, Mia just kind of watched, but then decided she would root for the underdog when the blonde kid got knocked over and the "drow elf" started kicking the crap out of him.

Mia, running mostly on aggression, walked up behind the "elf" and punched him. In the neck.

"Ow! No fair!" He yelled, bolting, rubbing his neck. She had held back a bit, not wanting to actually cause any serious harm to him. A full haymaker to the throat would probably render him involuntarily mute for a while. She'd just smacked the side of his neck.

"Thanks kid! I didn't realize he had a health potion."

Oh geez. This kid was really into it.

"My- My name is Butters the Merciful! I'm a paladin!" Well, he was friendly, even in-character. "I live right next to you! Maybe we can be friends!"

Mia, still on her vow of silence, offered him a smile and pulled out her phone.

Silent out of protest against parents. Would like to be friends.

She paused, then added a smiley face. Why the hell not?

Butters was pretty nice, but the "Grand Wizard" (who she eventually found out was named Eric but usually went by his last name, Cartman was… well kind of a dick, but he seemed fine with letting her play despite her status as "The new kid".

Although he ignored her attempt to communicate her name as "Michael" and just called her "Douchebag".

To be honest, she'd rather be called "douchebag" than that stupid "Michael" name that wasn't even her real fucking name.

But seriously fuck Cartman.

"I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight…

Beat up Clyde."

"What?!"

Okay, maybe this game could be fun.

"Go on new kid, kick Clyde's ass!"

"What'd I do?!"

"I'm the king Clyde! And the King wishes to be amused! Go on new kid, kick his ass."

Cartman was a pushy jackass, but honestly, any game that involved beating someone up was aces with Mia.

Clyde was a pushover. Or he was going easy on her because she was a newbie. Either way she beat the fuck out of Clyde.

Then some other stuff happened. She learned the general plot of this "game" and the whole deal with the Stick of Truth. While it was simplistic, it was decent enough to keep the game going. And more importantly, these kids were, despite all being total dorks (not that Mia was claiming otherwise), really hardcore about this. Seriously, they were going for actual blood against each other. Maybe not a hospital trip but definitely a doctor's visit.

And she kicked the crap out of those "elves" that Cartman sent her up against.

Okay she was really enjoying this. Even if it was just a wooden sword, smacking it into some kid's face was just wonderfully satisfying.

And yet, somehow, despite beating some kids stupid, and getting a few bruises herself, the Kingdom of Kupa Keep (yes seriously) lost the Stick of Truth.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE FUCKING JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

Holy shit, Cartman could yell.

Mia had no idea how the hell anyone here put up with Cartman, but as far as "dangerous missions" went, breaking into a school sounded kind of weirdly fun. After all, the best time to be in school is when there are no classes happening, right? And while they were a pain and actually could hit decently hard, the hall monitors went down pretty fast, especially with Butters and "Princess Kenny's" help. (He played the princess role really well. It was kind of endearing). Things were going pretty smoothly...

Until she got the key to the cafeteria and a shadow loomed over her shoulder.

"That's far enough intruder."

Mia scowled and turned and… okay. This kid was a lot bigger than her. And was he wearing actual honest-to-fucking-god body armor? Holy shit was this town hardcore.

"Where's your hall pass?"

She tilted her head awkwardly.

"No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral."

Aw, shit. Mia had been clobbered with a tetherball before, those things hurt and this kid- he was wielding it like you might use a morningstar.

She dove aside just as he swung, the ball slamming into the door where her face had just been.

Fuck. She could probably win but she was definitely going home with some bruises. Mia could hear Butters's little yelp.

"Oh, jesus!"

Yeah that was about right.

Well, Mia would have to figure out how to explain her new black eye. Her parents had made it pretty clear that getting into fights was a quick way to get her ass grounded. It then occurred to her she could just say she got hit in the eye with a ball. It wasn't a lie. Besides, she'd done this kind of LARPing shit before.

Only it was less hardcore and less stupid.

Seriously, these South Park kids kicked the shit out of each other. Was this just what Colorado was like or was it exclusive to this little town?

She'd already beat the shit out of a bunch of kids, a security guard, and a couple meth heads.

And it was only like 2pm.

So what could some so-called "Bard" do that hadn't been done to her?

Apparently, not only spring an ambush that got the crap beat out of Cartman, but also get enough kids to follow him that Mia got a few more bruises.

Okay, Mia was pretty sure that the music wasn't that soothing, but somehow it was hard to keep her eyes open. She had no idea how the fuck he was doing that but she was gonna make him stop right now, probably by either smashing her heavy wooden sword into his head or cupping a fart right into his mouth.

She was pretty quickly jolted awake when suddenly the Jimmy (the Bard in question) raised his crossbow and fired a hefty rock at her. That was a rock right? It hurt like one. At least he didn't aim for the face.

And jesus, whatever that other thing he did- that low, deep note- it didn't seem to do whatever it was supposed to, but Mia's stomach was in violent turmoil from it. That did it. She'd been holding back because she didn't want to actually injure him, but Jimmy had earned a pummeling.

Mia was never going to speak of what happened in her first night in South Park ever again. No. Not ever. Never. She wasn't even going to think about that.

Just

No. No.

Nope, nope, nope.

This is purely just silly indulgent nonsense. Don't worry about the quality (or rather lack thereof) but feel free to review!

Hope you liked this I guess

Goodnight everybody!