Author's Notes: Just a short piece set after Kaji's death. Comments, reviews, and questions are all welcome. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Evangelion. That mighty honour belongs to those good and kind folks at Star Child, and whoever else possesses the rights. It sure ain't me.
Dedication: To S. You inspired me to write this - I'll always be grateful.
"Now that you've gone, I'm barely breathing…" -: 'Words', by 'Alien Ant Farm
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Irresistible
By Flick-chan
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She was crying again.
Ever since Ryouji Kaji's death, Misato Katsuragi had been crying. And after almost an entire week of it, Asuka Langley Soryu was beginning to wonder whether her guardian had any tears left to shed. It wasn't that the self proclaimed teen temptress felt pity for the elder woman - far from it. It was more that seeing Misato so empty, both inside and out, was making Asuka long for a partner of her own.
"I'm so selfish," she muttered under her breath, as she lay, famished, underneath the bridge in the pile of boxes stored in her room which she hadn't yet unpacked. For some reason, clothes had taken a backseat during the last few days. "For God's sake. Kaji is dead, and all I can think about is the next guy Misato will get it on with. Shit, Asuka." She contemplated slapping herself with a high heel from a nearby box marked 'Shoes'. "You are an unemotional cow sometimes, aren't you?"
"I wouldn't go that far - although you can be pretty mean when you're having one of your mood swings."
"Ikari!" She jumped up in surprise, and found herself immediately face to face with the solemn eyes of the quiet, yet well spoken, Shinji Ikari. For some reason, she was embarrassed. Perhaps that was because Shinji had caught her off guard, without one of her usual snappy comebacks in position for retaliation. She didn't like being found in such a weak situation - it betrayed her faults to the enemy. "How the Hell did you get in here!" she found herself saying, voice full of an animosity that she hadn't quite intended to be there. At least, not yet.
He shrugged - a soft shrug which saw his shirt slightly raised above his shoulder blades in a mass of crinkles, and then fall back down to his skin, rather lopsided, but altogether, more casual looking. Asuka thought Shinji suited the boy next door look more than the brainy guy one. She didn't understand why he didn't just wear jeans, and leave his shirt out open across the belt. He'd get a lot more admirers that way - not that there were many girls left in Tokyo 3, she thought quickly.
"Door was open," he offered as a peacemaker, sinking down onto the floor, a pair of headphones resting on the lapels of his top. She glared at him for a second, and then sank down beside him, trying to look impassive.
"So," she said after a few minutes of stoic silence. "Why's she crying this time - found another one of Kaji's loose buttons?"
Shinji remained quiet, toying with the collar of his shirt. Asuka noticed that it was beginning to curl at the edges, and flapped his hand away impatiently. Lack of attention to fashion annoyed her intensely. And then, she noticed something. The shirt that Shinji was wearing had belonged to Kaji. It still had the remnants of dirt from his garden imbedded in the cuff buttons.
"Why…"she trailed off. "Why are you wearing that? Take it off," she commanded. "Right now."
"He gave it to me," was all that Shinji said, and made no move to detach himself from his top.
"Oh." Another moment of impassive silence lay over them as they sat, pondering in the fat rays of pink sun that streamed through the window. Finally, Asuka spoke again. "Why are you here, Shinji?"
He remained silent.
"Answer me, first child!" she demanded, narrowing her eyes at his sullen figure. Finally, Shinji became bothered enough to give a reply.
"I really don't think you should be making fun of Misato at a time like this," he said calmly. "She's going through so much - she's only just lost Kaji, and now she might be losing her job, and Ritsuko, all in one go. Give her a bit of breathing space."
Asuka flicked him harshly on the head with one of her nails. "What are you, stupid?" she shrilled, thrusting her hands out to the sides. "She was finished with Kaji anyway - why does she need all this time to get over him?" She gave a small huff. "It's not like they were going to get married or anything."
Shinji shook his head. "I don't know," he looked back down at his music player. "I'm no expert on this kind of thing, but I'd say that she loved him." His voice quivered a little. "That must be why she's feeling sad - after all - " he reasoned. "Kaji was the only stability Misato had in her life. With her job on the line, and our living here hanging in the balance, I'd say that all Misato had to rely on was Kaji's word. Now that that's gone, she feels incomplete."
"That's true," replied Asuka. "But why doesn't she just go out and look for another man?" She tutted. "There are plenty of guys out there like Kaji."
"But can't you see, Asuka?" he looked up to meet the simmering gaze in her eyes. "There was only one Kaji. He was smart, dependable, and respectable - that's why you liked him so much."
She pounced on him almost immediately, pinning him to the ground against the carpet with her sturdy, muscular form. For a girl, she had exceptionally good strength. "What?!" She was ludicrous. "Are you trying to say that I liked Kaji?" she burst into laughter. "Is that what you're trying to say, Shinji?"
"What I'm trying to say," responded Shinji, "is that you felt comfortable with him." From beneath her, his gaze travelled tentatively across her body, and she felt slightly numbed. "I mean, look at you, Asuka. You're young. You're pretty. You're confident; too confident sometimes. It's obvious that you thought Misato took second place to you in the attractiveness department. Perhaps you were jealous - all the effort you put in to making Kaji like you was a waste. Because he was in love with Misato."
"That's not true," she lied. "Of course he wasn't in love with her. Didn't you see all the time he spent with me when we first came here? We went shopping, to the movies." She remembered with gentle fondness. "He took me everywhere with him."
"Only because Misato wouldn't give him the time of day," Shinji reminded her. "But now, think about when they began to speak again - where did you fit into the picture then? What happened to everything you did together?"
Asuka loosened her grip and sat up. Shinji rubbed his chaffed wrists. "It's true, Asuka," he said softly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that he was in love with her, and not with you."
"Shut up," she felt her eyes becoming moist. "Shut up, Shinji."
He shook his head. "No - because you have to hear this. It's time you got over his death. Stop mourning for something that never existed." Reaching out with a hand, he touched her shoulder. She scrambled away from him, and he sighed sadly. "Please, Asuka. Help Misato. It's the only way you can get through this. It's the only way we all can."
Asuka's voice rang back, small, but still defiant. "What if I don't want to help her?" she asked harshly. "What if I hate her…what if I hate everything?"
"You don't," he assured her. "You just feel hurt, that's all."
"You don't even know what hurt is, Shinji!" she cried, throwing a shoe at him.
He caught it with a flourish. "Of course I do, Asuka," he bit back. "You're hurting me right now, because you're not listening. I'm not trying to deceive you - all I want to do is help you."
"I hate her. I hate Misato." Her voice became muffled with tears. "I hate Misato."
"No, you hate what she stands for. You hate her crying - because it reminds you that he's gone, and nothing can ever replace him. That's why you hate me wearing this shirt - because in your eyes, it symbolises that I'm his replacement, but you don't see me as anything he was. I'm not dependable, or smart, or attractive. And you're right - all I am, and can ever be, is Shinji Ikari. You can't love me, you know that. That's why you hate me, Asuka. Why you hate me being here, talking to you. Because you know that I'm all you'll ever have now that Kaji's gone - and it's not enough for you, but you have to take it because there's nothing else."
"No," she glared at him. "That's not true. I didn't love him. I never loved him."
He shrugged. "Asuka. The only way you're going to be able to keep living is by admitting it." He stood up. "Life goes on - it keeps moving. Do you really want to be stuck in a moment like this forever."
Quiet sobbing resumed from the corner.
Shinji put a finger on the door, and gazed at her kindly. "It's better to remember him, and smile, than remember him and be sad." And he turned and left, closing the screen quietly behind him.
Huddled in a ball on the floor, Asuka remained in that position for several minutes, thinking over everything they had discussed. Was she really so alone that she took it out in her feelings? Did she really hate Misato that much?"
In the dining room, Misato has begun to cry again, the sound of her tears hitting the table seeming so loud that Asuka had to bury her head between her legs to blot them out.
Yes. She did hate Misato.
End.