Disclaimer: I haven't actually seen the last season or so of R&I and I don't intend to do so, but I saw a gifset on tumblr and received a nice review on a really old fic and decided to write a quick drabble. So I don't know the context or how the rest of the scene went, but I thought the line was funny. Also, I don't think I've ever had hives before so I'm not really sure how they work.
"She's a lesbian. Gay."
As soon as the oglers had moved on Jane poked her tablemate in the shoulder. "Oh come on, Maura. Really?"
"What?" Maura asked innocently with a hint of a smile. "You wanted them to stop hitting on you, didn't you?"
"What?" Jane mimicked. "You seem to enjoy fake-outing me to creepos a little too much." Jane too a swig of her beer before pointing it at Maura. "One of these days it's gonna backfire and we'll have some manchild drooling over us about a threesome, ya know."
Maura rolled her eyes. "If a man's response to being told a woman is gay is to propose a threesome with himself involved, he has fundamentally misunderstood lesbianism. And for the record, that "LLBFFs" thing with Giovanni was your idea."
"To save your ass! Er, face. "
Maura resisted the urge to giggle as Jane leaned over and brushed Maura's hair over her shoulder before lightly tracing her fingers over her neck, which tickled. "What are you doing?"
"Checking for hives," Jane replied as she evaluated Maura's neck with faux scrutiny. "Did you recently learn how to lie without hyperventilating? I may have to reevaluate every answer I've gotten from you in the last few weeks."
Maura's eyes widened minutely. "Yes, I've discovered this wonderful controlled breathing technique…" she fibbed enthusiastically but unconvincingly as little red bumps started to appear under Jane's fingertips.
"Oh, well now there's hives." Jane sat back with a satisfied smirk that almost immediately turned questioning. "Why would you lie about being able to lie?"
Maura floundered for a moment with many gesticulations, but no sound actually escaped her mouth.
"Oh my god, were you not lying?" Jane leaned forward, peering at Maura. "When you told those guys I was gay, you really didn't think you were being untruthful did you?"
"Jane, I…" Maura began, but trailed off.
"Maura, have you been paying attention?" Jane began counting on her fingers. "Casey? Dude. Dean? Dude. Every other dude I've dated? Dudes."
Maura, a little pink with embarrassment, mumbled "Well sometimes people… I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to…"
As Maura's breath began to hitch Jane interrupted her. "Maura. Maura Maura Maura." Jane enveloped Maura's hand in her own as a calming touch. "I'm not mad. I promise." Jane smiled softly but goofily. "Just don't tell Ma, alright? She'd be all on my case about how in an age with ivf she still expects grandkids."
Maura took a deep breath and returned the smile. She didn't move her hand from Jane's.
"So the other day," Jane shifted the subject, "were you lying when you said you threw out the shirt with the little hole in it?"
"Three, Jane." Maura addressed her sternly. "There were three holes in that shirt."
Jane sighed into her beer before taking a drink. "For once I wished you weren't telling the truth."