By the smallest of measurements, Chisato Shirasagi's heart was moved.
Before their band was an ocean of pink light sticks as the audience cheered on, arms flowing back and forth in momentum. The audience drew their light sticks over their shoulders. Chisato held onto her bass as if to root herself, somehow fearful that she'd be swept away. Then the masses followed the fans at the front, and the sticks surged forward in a ripple effect. Chisato grounded her heels. With every few beats the crowd hollered in sync, and the event center filled with the cacophony of their instruments, the audience's calls, and Aya's voice.
With every Pastel Palettes concert, it amazed her each time how much they had to fight for their presence onstage. If they didn't persist, the audience would easily overtake them.
And yet there was Aya Maruyama, facing the audience head-on with open arms.
Compared to Aya in the front, Chisato preferred to hover near Maya's drums. They had earpieces for a reason, but feeling the drums hammer on her heart, or seeing how Maya would nod at Chisato, grinning abashedly because this was her comfort zone, onstage surrounded by her drums—together they sought for the band's rhythm. It was something that could only exist in the mere five minutes that any one of their songs was live. The audience fed off their synergy, and for that reason as well Chisato found herself upstage with Maya.
By way of how things settled, Chisato often watched Aya Maruyama the idol from behind.
It was presumptuous, even crude, of her to think, but Chisato felt a selfish pride knowing that no matter how loud these fans yelled, or how far they reached for their Aya-chan, the distance would only continue to widen. Chisato would always be closer to Aya than any of these strangers; it was a competition she had not needed to win in the first place.
Though perhaps even the Chisato Shirasagi that she knew herself to be had become disillusioned. She shouldn't fool herself—it wasn't as if she were Aya's sole best friend. They attended the same school and were both second-years, but they didn't exactly share classes. She wouldn't lower herself to the likes of an audience that could never close the gap between themselves and Aya, but…
Chisato raised her chin. Of course not. She wasn't terribly close to Aya, but she was at least more familiar with her than sweaty teenage boys. Her eyes sought the back of Aya, who waved at a general direction of a fan, and the audience went wild. Pink sticks shimmered excitedly. The spotlight swerved onto her figure. Under the harsh light, Aya's voice wavered. The fans picked up on this as they cheered for her, and Aya responded in kind, choking at a high note in her appreciation. That only further excited the crowd. The audience's emotions were near overwhelming the five of them onstage.
It was a tumultuous feedback loop, if anything, and it was something that could easily get out of hand. There was a reason Aya was not alone on stage.
As they wrapped up ShuwarinDrea~min, Aya did a small twirl in place. She laughed into her mic, breathless and exhilarated, as the fans broke out into applause. "Everyone! Thank you for listening!" Aya exclaimed. She sounded so sincerely, ridiculously happy. As clumsy as Aya Maruyama may be, her genuine love captured the hearts of many.
When the crowd continued to cheer, Aya raised a hand high into the air. She held the moment in the palm of her hand, for herself and for the band and for everyone in the crowd. And Chisato watched Aya from behind, decked out in frills and pink hair up in twintails. The spotlight silhouetted Aya's figure. So bright was it that she imagined Aya would be swallowed by its light. Insistently, however, Aya stood firm.
Chisato's heart picked up in pace.
What did Aya see in this moment? What thoughts ran through her mind when the world was focused on her alone?
It was only when the fans settled down that Aya dropped her arm and turned around. She made eye contact with Chisato with a shy glance, before looking away, until finally returning with a more affirmative stare. A smile blossomed on Aya's face, freezing Chisato in place.
"Chisato-san," Maya called behind her. "Don't keep her waiting, walk up there!" Ah. Yes, of course. The MC.
How unlike her, to be so off-kilter during a live performance. That wouldn't do at all.
Trying to shake off the odd mood that had overcome her, Chisato put on a smile and stepped forward. A smattering of fans raised their voices in excitement as she came to stand besides Aya, which was only exacerbated when Aya threw her arms over Chisato's shoulders. With her arms still hanging off her shoulders, Aya leaned back to look at her. "Chisato-chan, we did well, didn't we?"
Yes, they simply had to follow the script. "I'd say we accomplished what we set out to do," Chisato said coolly, adjusting her bass so that Aya could lean more comfortably against her. She wouldn't quite admit it, but it felt right. Having Aya flushed against her, smiling as if she couldn't help herself—it felt right. Chisato nudged Aya by the hips. "Though that's not for us to decide, is it?" She directed her gaze to the crowd. "We hope we met your expectations, everyone!"
A chorus of yells and "Chisato-chan"s filled the event center.
"Chisato-chan doesn't wanna admit we sounded boppin' right now," Hina called from the other side of the stage. She plucked a few successive chords on her guitar. Fans ate it up, adoringly calling for Hina. "Hear that? I think we did great!"
"Being proud of yourself is also a part of bushido!" Eve gave a little fist pump, and Hina responded by doing improv on her guitar once again. Eve accompanied her on the keyboard.
"W-Whoa, hold on," Maya stood up from her drums. "Let's save that for rehearsals, okay? We're here to perform things we've practiced!" When the audience snickered at the three of them, Maya physically recoiled at that. Her face reddened. She waved her hands at Eve and Hina. "We practiced this much for our fans, we can at least do this!"
A solo fan shouted from the back of the event center "Go Maya-channn!" to the absolute horror of the singled-out girl, who promptly sat down and hid behind her drums.
Aya laughed at that. "I guess it wouldn't be Chisato-chan if she complimented anyone so easily," she acquiesced, tugging Chisato closer. She allowed Aya to do so, but in the back of her mind, she knew that this was not a scripted move on Aya's part. Despite that, Chisato didn't rein either of them back on track. She observed at Aya squarely. Pink bangs were plastered on her forehead from sweat. She was winded from being front and center, and she appeared as if she could drop any second, but Aya had never looked more alive.
Being onstage as an idol really was best suited for Aya Maruyama.
Was that why Chisato found herself so entranced? She couldn't look away, enraptured by the girl before her.
It must be the heat or the excitement of their live getting to her. She wasn't thinking straight at all. If Aya already went off script, Chisato somehow reasoned to herself, then she might as well do the same. And that meant she would no longer let Aya take the lead. Chisato's hands found themselves on Aya's sides. A flabbergasted look flashed on Aya's face, but Chisato leaned forward, not one to back down after a decision.
"I say nice things rather often, I'll have everyone know," Chisato forwent her earpiece in favor of speaking into Aya's microphone instead. "You of all people should know that, Aya-chan."
A rush of emotions ran through Aya's face at once. Her eyebrows knitted together, and her mouth was torn between pouting or saying something. She pulled her mic to her chest, and her eyes sought, pleaded, with Chisato to give her an out. A reddening blush creeped up Aya's neck.
Take that, Chisato couldn't help but think snidely to the audience.
"Is that allowed?" Hina laughed, pointing an accusing index finger at them. At that, the audience followed after Hina's example. Light sticks flickered into pinks and yellows, and a few of the fans even started chanting 'AyaChisa'. Aya still maintained a bewildered stare on her as Chisato tilted her head at Hina. Egged on by the crowd, Hina continued, "You can't keep Aya-chan to yourself, you know~!"
"What's this? What's this?" Eve questioned excitedly. She waddled towards Hina, shaking her shoulder. Hina only sniggered in response, while Aya looked just about ready to combust in embarrassment. "Why are we cheering for Aya-san and Chisato-san?"
"I didn't think we'd do fanservice so early in our careers, fuhehe," Maya whispered, her mic unknowingly catching it.
"Oh, I would never steal her away. Aya-chan is everyone's idol, after all," Chisato reached for Aya's microphone, interlinking their fingers as she did. The hand still on Aya's side pulled her closer. A chorus of 'ooh's echoed. "She's clumsy and simple, but isn't that why we all love her?"
How much of this was a stage performance at this point? It was an adlib gone wrong since having departed from the script. She didn't dare imagine how much of this was the truth.
"You're always teasing me," Aya pouted. You're not being fair, came the unspoken protest.
She squeezed their handhold. Sorry, she wanted to convey. They could talk about this later, when there wasn't a need to put on a performance. Whether or not Aya had understood her shift in intent, Chisato withdrew her hands and pulled away. As for now, she adjusted the strap of her bass and stepped to the side. "It's difficult not to when you make it so easy, my dear," she tied the end of the conversation with a curtsy.
"Uu…" Aya screwed her eyes shut for a second, attempting to regain composure. With a turn of her heel, she directed herself back to the audience, who hungrily lapped up her attention. "Chisato-chan's a meanie!"
Rather than seeing her from behind, standing beside Aya Maruyama the idol revealed a different side of her altogether. From here, Chisato could see her expression. From her embarrassed blushing face to a smile that regarded every fan so kindly, she bared all her feelings to the audience, hoping that someone would receive it. To put her entire self out for spectacle was hardly the smartest decision. A naïve, grassroots idol like Aya couldn't compare to the experience of Chisato's childhood actress career, and someday Aya would realize that their fans were not as pure hearted as she was.
Despite everything that Chisato stood for, she wanted—no, she chose to believe that there was worth in Aya's values.
The sounds of the audience faded away. Aya's mouth formed words, but Chisato didn't register any of it. She was overcome with a strange emotion. They segued into Yura Yura Ring-Dong Dance, with Chisato accompanying Aya on vocals, but her thoughts were not on the performance.
She wondered if Aya Maruyama, an idol whose kindness belonged to everyone, had any left for a person like Chisato.
And just ever so slightly, Chisato Shirasagi's heart was moved.
…
A slender hand wrapped around Chisato's wrist.
Before she could react, the hand dragged her away from thanking the stage crew, and Chisato followed thoughtlessly. Her mind was still in hyper focus after their live. She could still feel Maya's drums in her ears, the roar of the audience after the encore, and even how brightly the entire stage had shone as Pastel Palettes bowed together. It was only after she allowed her mind to catch up did she think to trace the hand to an individual.
A pink scrunchie. A lean arm. Frills and twintails. Aya was leading her away from their changing room.
"Our manager will be expecting us," Chisato raised without conviction. She trained her eyes to the back of Aya, a sight she had grown accustomed to. When Aya didn't respond, she clarified, "I imagine he'll be upset with what I pulled tonight."
"We're going to be in trouble whether he sees us now or later, right?" Aya finally slowed down. By then, they had retreated to a less densely crowded hallway.
"I suppose you're right."
Aya pushed open an exit door, and Chisato found themselves at the back of the event center. A few streetlights littered this back door. It was rather well lit for a back entrance, and though their frilly stage costumes were a stark contrast to the normality of the outside world, Chisato welcomed it. The cold night air felt good on the back of her neck.
The hand around her wrist had not let go. Instead, Aya maneuvered her hand, lacing their fingers together like they had onstage. "So," Aya began, squeezing their handhold. "what was this about?"
Chisato lowered her gaze to the side. She did not expect that they'd speak about it so soon. She hoped that she'd have time to think of excuses.
"Would you believe me if I said I planned for this to happen?" She tested warily.
For a moment, Aya faltered. Then she shook her head, then straightened her back. Chisato couldn't help but smile at the mental gymnastics Aya was doing. "I could almost, almost see that happening," Aya smiled along with her. "but I know you better now, Chisato-chan. When it comes to yourself, you're extra careful about things."
It had to be the night air. Or a phantom passing by, if Chisato believed in the supernatural. But at those words, Chisato felt as if water splashed against her face. Aya caught her off-guard with that observation, and she felt exposed. It was not something she experienced often anymore.
"Did I get that right?" Aya chuckled.
Settling near to this exposed feeling, Chisato drew herself near to Aya. Her other hand found Aya's, and this close she could feel the other girl's warm breath against her cheeks. Was this something Chisato could reach for? "So you even guessed at that… I know who you, Aya Maruyama, are as a person, but I still don't understand you, after all."
"Is that bad?" Aya whispered.
Now Chisato made eye contact. Aya looked as if she were ready to recoil any second, unsure of what was happening between them. Chisato held her hands tight, shaking her head. "Not bad at all."
Under streetlights that were nothing compared to the stage lights, Chisato's exposed heart realized that she would have to take a risk. The hand touches, the shy glances, and staring at Aya from behind—she would have to confront all of it. She was not used to surrendering the final decision to others. Chisato liked having the situation under control. But this whatever-this-was had to be built on equal footing.
Which meant Chisato could no longer decide things on her own.
"Aya-chan," she spoke her name, leaving a tingly feeling in her throat. The hands in hers had become sweaty. "I hope I'm not alone in my feelings when I say this, but we've gotten much closer recently, wouldn't you agree?"
"Have we?" Aya squeaked out.
"We have," Chisato confirmed. "Ever since that day when we sold tickets in the rain, I've always thought that you were a thoughtless person, working towards your goal with only hard work in mind. Without a concrete plan, you really did come off as a naïve girl." At these words, Aya pushed at her jokingly, but upon seeing Chisato's smile, they grew more comfortable. This felt better. "But I realized that day, too, what drew others to you. I was drawn to you as well."
Forget their manager. Forget the audiences that vied for their attention. Off that stage, outside of this event center, Aya Maruyama was just another girl chasing her dreams. Chisato let her hands travel up Aya's arms, until they rested over her shoulders. Aya placed her hands tentatively on Chisato's sides. "And every day since then," Chisato continued. "you refused to give up what you believed in, even when you could've gone further had you complied."
"H-Hey…"
She was saying a little too much, wasn't she? Chisato pulled Aya into a hug, letting her chin rest on her shoulder. She didn't have the willpower to look Aya in the eye as she skipped ahead in her reverie. Chisato was not ready for Aya to object to anything she had to say just yet. "I was jealous tonight," she admitted before she could stop herself. "You wear your heart on your sleeve. You're always like that, I know now, but I couldn't stand the thought of someone else recognizing your emotions and… taking you away from me, as it were."
Oh, they were sweaty and tired from the live. Their manager might be fuming at this point. But Chisato tightened her hug, relishing in how fast her heart was beating. She didn't like it. She didn't like how nothing felt within her control, or how any single word from Aya dictated her emotions. Nonetheless, Chisato allowed herself to experience the emotion.
She let herself treasure the precious feelings she felt for Aya, as fragile as they were.
"Chisato-chan," Aya whispered, voice muffled, as her arms came to wrap around Chisato. With how close they were, surely Aya could hear her beating heart. "You like to act mature, but you're scared of being rejected like any other person, aren't you?"
"Of course I am," she interjected. Was Aya really going to make light of her after all of that? Chisato pulled back, expecting to see a smug look on her face, but she was not prepared to see tears. A few streaks had already slipped down flushed cheeks, but Aya ignored it, smiling at Chisato out of habit. "You'll ruin your makeup."
"Shut up… stage makeup is waterproof for a purpose," Aya turned her head away, laughing.
She chuckled, bringing her hands up to graze wet cheeks. "You don't have to cry, Aya-chan," Chisato admonished. "I don't like thinking that I'm the reason for it."
Aya sputtered at that, blinking fast in a failed attempt to stop the tears. "No, you… Chisato-chan, how am I supposed to stay composed after what you said?" She nestled herself into Chisato's palm. A smile broke out on her face—oh, that was who she held in her hands. Someone so pretty that a sold-out stadium could barely contain her. "I always played around with the idea that maybe something could happen between us, you know? You always act pristine, but you have your edges and cuts and you're not perfect at all."
"Are you complimenting or insulting me?" Chisato teased. Aya stuck her tongue out in jest.
As Aya continued, Chisato brought her hands up into her hair and began to undo her twintails. Pink hair cascaded onto her shoulders as spoke, "But yeah, I kept asking myself why I felt so interested in you. Or why you kept fixating on me, or why I wanted to understand you for who you are." With her hair down like this, she really did appear like any other teen, and not the poster child of Pastel Palettes. "Who knew the answer was so simple?"
"And what was that?" Chisato questioned, already knowing the answer. She wanted to hear the answer, and judging from Aya's smile, she wanted to say it aloud.
"That I like you. A lot. I might actually love you!" Aya spilled the words out, a little too loudly. "… if you feel the same?"
To back out now was almost silly of Aya. Though perhaps having last minute second thoughts was just the type of person that she was. Chisato tossed blonde hair over her shoulder. Then she took a few steps away, stretching her arms upward before dropping them at her sides. With her back to Aya, Chisato looked up at the night sky, watching her white breath float aimlessly. "I don't see my feelings changing any time soon, so if you would take responsibility," she ended on an open note, glancing over her shoulder.
The smile playing on Aya's lips made Chisato's heart hurt. Was she allowed to accept Aya's feelings, and hold them close? How was this happiness allowed? She felt it all over her body, keeping her warm in this cold night. "I gladly will," Aya said, coming up to her.
As Aya came to stand beside her and they both looked up at the sky, Chisato let herself get lost in it. They were in the city, meaning the skyline was still illuminated even at night. It rendered the sky starless, but Chisato didn't mind, as Aya rested her head on her shoulder. It was a quiet moment, a small one, that they could allow to take for themselves. And that would be enough.
When they entered the event center once more, there were going to be repercussions to tonight's stage debacle.
Right here, however, Chisato could let her guard down. Her walls were up so often that she forgot what it was like without them. She breathed in deeply. Her lungs had never felt fuller than right now. It was because she fell in love with Aya, Chisato concluded. So long as the girl believed that she could change lives for the better, then Chisato would as well.
She already changed Chisato's, after all.
Thank you for reading!