When he showed up at Skwisgaar's room tonight as planned to watch something together, he couldn't shake the distinct feeling that he was going to end up doing something really, really stupid before the night was over.
Toki had a long history of embarrassing himself whenever Skwisgaar was uncommonly nice to him, and this, this was downright sweet.
Maybe was a little dumb to worry now about playing it cool around someone who knew from years of experience that he was absolutely not, but there were a lot of those years when they couldn't really call themselves friends, and for those years, he didn't feel the need to worry, because why the hell would he give two shits about impressing some asshole who hated him?
Now that he could confirm that Skwisgaar did not, in fact, hate him, he was anxious not to do anything to change that.
As the door clicked shut behind him, the distantly familiar music coming from the television caught his attention, and his greeting trailed off as he puzzled over where the hell he'd heard that obnoxiously cheerful, horrifyingly catchy song before.
Then it hit him, and he let out a bark of laughter.
"Are you jokins? Is this-"
Skwisgaar nodded, arms folded and expression blank, though the trace of smugness was hard to miss.
"Yes, Toki, ams your dumb babies show for little tiny dildos. I don'ts even know whats you watch that ain'ts about giant robots pallings around with humans for some reason. You never picks anything, so I has to go by what you says in the hospital on all dose painkillers, tellings all the nurses that you wants to watch Space Pirate Penguins." He let out a gentle scoff. "Takes me two days to figures out what that mean."
Toki's laughter grew dangerously close to embarrassing giggles. He wasn't surprised; he was pretty sure he was the only person, not just in the band, but in the world, who remembered that show, let alone remembered it fondly. Maybe the people who made it regarded it just as fondly, but he wasn't going to put money on that.
Of all the shitty cartoons he'd watched years ago in the old apartment to pass the time until the other guys woke up, Space Pirate Penguins had been his favourite.
Logically, he knew that the magic of that objectively terrible show had lain in the memories surrounding it, particularly considering he could barely remember the names of the characters, let alone anything else about them.
The memories may seem insignificant in light of all the others those days had given him, but they've always made him smile anyway: the first time he'd ever seen a fucking cartoon, eating his first (many) bowls of sugary cereal that produced rainbow milk if neglected long enough, all to pass the first free time he'd ever had that was given rather than defiantly seized, and sure to be severely punished later.
Those days had been on his mind a lot during his captivity, so it wasn't too surprising that this one aspect, this dumb show, had lingered on the edges, just as it wasn't surprising that Skwisgaar had needed a few days to remember what the hell it even was.
"So, how you finds this, anyway?" he asked, eyes glued to the TV as the theme song drew to a close and the crew of the Starship Potato kicked off the episode's adventure. "They hasn't plays it on TV in years, and they never puts it on DVD."
"Nots for regular jackoffs, maybe," Skwisgaar scoffed. "Ja, I hads to calls the studio what's makes it and gets them to sends me this. They remasters it to makes it suck less, and puts on director's commentaries, like we's going to watch that crap."
"Wowee, that was sure nice of them."
"Hah! When they finds out who ams inquirings, they offers to assemble the entire cast and sends them over in costumes to puts on a live clip show, but five dudes in penguins suits in my bedroom woulds be weirds when we's goings to be making out the whole time."
Toki made an indistinct noise of agreement, continuing to absorb the unfolding plot.
"So, you goings to watch from the door, or what?" Skwisgaar asked with a lazy stretch. "I wents to a lot of troubles for dis, Toki; the least you cans do is comes over here and watch with me."
Toki grinned. He was infinitely more likely to accept and follow implied orders from Skwisgaar when they stood to end enjoyably for him (a fact which Skwisgaar had picked up on and mercilessly exploited to both their enjoyment in the months since they had started doing this), and this one combined three of his favourite things: cuddling, cartoons, and Skwisgaar himself. Therefore, he wasted no time at all in bounding onto the bed.
Skwisgaar protested half-heartedly as he was nearly double-bounced onto the floor, but not at all as Toki crawled over the stark white fur to nestle contentedly at his side, cheek at his shoulder, arm draped loosely over his waist.
Around the time that Teeny, Tiny, Weeny, Whiny, and Bob came up against a faction of evil space pigeons, a whisper-soft touch ran idly up and down Toki's back. When nimble fingers pushed the soft fabric of his well-worn t-shirt aside and slipped beneath the waistband of his pants, he took the cue and stretched up to press warm, grateful kisses along Skwisgaar's neck and shoulder, promising himself that he would swipe the DVD and actually watch the show in the next few days.
As he reached for Skwisgaar's belt, the hand tangled in his hair tugged sharply until he pulled away.
"What?" he demanded, breathless. "I thought that's what we's doing."
"I was just watchings cartoons, dude," Skwisgaar said.
Toki shook his head, helplessly perplexed.
"But...you puts your hand down my pants."
"So?" Skwisgaar shrugged. "I likes it downs there. Ams one of my favourites places. You just gots to learn some restraint."
"Oh, ha ha. Like you even knows what means restraints what's nots for tyings people up during sex."
Even without looking, he could see that smirk.
"Ams thats a request?"
"Depends who's gettings tied up."
"Oh, Toki, that's hilarious," Skwisgaar chuckled, giving him a fond pat on the head. "Likes I woulds trust you not to gets distacted and wanders off for a sandwich or something, and just leaves me like that all night."
"Hey, fucks you!"
Instantly, Skwisgaar was leaning over him, one pale eyebrow lifting.
"Ams thats a request?"
After a moment of hesitation and a quick glance at the TV, he nodded eagerly, and tugged Skwisgaar down for a kiss.
Teeth nipped sharply, and fingers tightened to leave bruises to be admired later, and by the time Skwisgaar pulled back with a low groan, Toki had completely forgotten what they had been talking about.
"We saves it for later, little Toki. We shoulds watch for a bit, ah?"
"Reallies?" he asked, staring.
"Ja, this show ams not so dildos as I remembers. I wants to see what happen with the pigeons."
Toki laughed in disbelief. Well, this was unexpected.
Watching something together rarely meant actually watching, so much as completely ignoring in favour of making out which was why he never bothered to request anything in particular. If it was something he enjoyed, his attention tended to wander back to the television, and that was never the point of these evenings.
It made sense that Skwisgaar would want to be assured that his efforts were appreciated. But for him to make the decision to put off the part of the evening he was most interested in, just to let Toki revisit a fond memory that meant little to Skwisgaar himself...well, it was both surprising and not surprising. And sweet as hell.
"God, I loves you," he said without a crucial pause beforehand to consider his words.
They fell heavily into the suddenly oppressive silence, and he froze in horror.
Fuck.
Of all the stupid things he could have said right now, that was undoubtedly the stupidest.
They'd never even used the term boyfriends out loud, and if Toki had begun to think of them that way, it was only because dudes who stick their dicks in each other most night and at least a couple mornings a week was really unwieldy.
But it didn't really matter what they called it anymore, because it was sure as shit over now. He cringed to find Skwisgaar staring at him with a panicked, cornered expression like someone had just demanded a full ten-page essay on something that had nothing to do with guitar, and Toki couldn't see this ending any way but being told to get the hell out and not come back until he learned to act like a normal person.
And goddammit, he could have laughed it off, called it simple gratitude, nothing more than an I love you directed at the waitress bringing your three-in-the-morning bacon and eggs after a night of hard drinking, but he'd freaked out instead and ruined everything, and there was just no way around that.
"Well, I fucks this night up totallies," he announced brightly, already planning which of his more breakable possessions he would hurl at the wall first when he reached his own room. "I's just gonna go."
A surprisingly strong grip at his wrist halted his attempt to scramble from the bed and bolt. With some reluctance, he met Skwisgaar's eyes again, and relaxed slightly at the lack of any immediately obvious disgust, scorn, or anger.
"At least stays for the rest of the episode."
Toki eyed the door longingly for a moment – even if Skwisgaar wasn't mad yet, it didn't mean it wasn't coming – before climbing back onto the bed.
It took a lot longer to get comfortable this time, his knees and elbows suddenly everywhere at once, but once he settled back into place, he felt his hair sifting back and forth with the movement of Skwisgaar's fingers.
Holding himself stiff and motionless through the rest of the episode nevertheless, he thought angrily that it had probably never taken so long to get through a twenty-three minute cartoon before, and was about to mumble something about the bathroom, when an uncomfortable cough drew his attention upwards.
"I...uh, I guess I mights, maybe...ja, me too."
Now he knew he was grinning like an idiot, could feel it threatening the boundaries of his face.
"Me too," he echoed.
A soft chuckle stirred his hair.
"You says that alreadies. Once ams enough for one night."
He nodded.
Once was more than enough.