A/N: One-shots are about the limit of my creativity right now. Every other story of mine can take a hike.

I've been on a bit of Soul Eater binge. Not sure whether to make a collection of these random dribbles or just post new stories. Hmph.

Summary: Spirit convinces Stein of the virtues of marriage.

Pairing: One-sided SteinxSpirit if you SQUINT REALLY HARD.

Coffin Nails

Stein took a long drag of his cigarette and stared at his grinning idiot of an ex-partner.

"I'm not sure whether to apologise or congratulate you."

"She agreed to marry me Stein, it's a good thing!"

The doctor exhaled, sending wisps of smoke gusting right into Spirit's face. Amused by the pseudo-concealed nose wrinkle the red-head did in an attempt to not gage, Stein carefully took the time to send a few more puffs the other's way. Seeing Spirit uncomfortable was always worth the possible lung cancer. Plus, if Stein recalled correctly, he had at least three sets of spare lungs floating serenely in formaldehyde somewhere.

"Senpai, I unfortunately cannot see you having the capacity to maintain this relationship." He informed civilly, grey vapour wafting out with each syllable.

Spirit frowned, sighed, coughed on the smoke and sent Stein a glare nearly simultaneously. Possibly the best multitasking he had achieved to date. Stein raised an eyebrow, though it went practically unseen behind his mirror-like lenses. Shrugging, he continued to breathe cloudy air in Spirit's general direction.

A few more fits of choking and pleading expressions came from the scythe before Stein conceded. Although it was not his acquaintance's distress that reluctantly made him extinguish his cigarette – Stein was utterly unmoved by the pathetic show – but rather the dirty glares from vicinal patrons in the Death City café. Not that displays of dislike were something unfamiliar, it was more so the fact that generally avoiding public attention was Stein's favourite pastime. Yet it proved to be quite difficult when one has a screw through their head.

Spirit, regaining composure, sat straight-backed and gave Stein his most impressive serious face.

"I can do this. I want to do this."

"Monogamy never seemed to suit you," Stein plainly stated, "In fact, I thought you hated the whole 'tied down by one woman' ordeal." He paused, thinking briefly. Then the obvious conclusion hit him.

"You knocked her up, didn't you?"

"No! No! Well— Maybe, but it's not— I mean—" The words petered out into mumble of meaninglessness, excuses and awkward avoiding. Stein considered what the implications would be if he grabbed a scalpel and removed the man's voice box.

Resisting such urges, he instead austerely stared at Spirit with unnerving preciseness. Despite being the younger one, in situations like this Stein found himself having to be the brutally honest voice of reason. Ironic.

"I find it appalling to believe that even you would stoop as low as marrying someone simply because you were too irresponsible to use appropriate protection."

Spirit froze.

Time ticked by.

Stein waited, with a morbid curiosity, for what would come next.

"…You're wrong." The scythe whispered.

"You're wrong!" Spirit's murmur quickly evolved into a yell as he stood, slamming his hands down on the table. The salt and pepper shakers toppled over. "I love Kami! I love her. That's why I'm marrying her!" He leaned over the table and grabbed Stein by his collar, pulling him half out of his seat. "And I'm going to love our baby more than anything."

Stein, indifferent, merely cranked his head-screw before shortly replying.

"Hm. Then maybe for once in your life you've made an intelligent decision."

It took Spirit a few surprised moments to realise his marriage had just gained approval.

By the Doctor Franken Stein.

Too astounded to do more than gape and start blubbering, it took an unkindly prod from Stein's soul wavelength to, rather painfully, remove the death grip he had on Stein's coat. Now nursing a sore entire upper body from the completely uncalled for attack, Spirit retreated to his seat. Yet still, a growing, ridiculous smile couldn't be wiped from his features.

"It's gonna work out. I'll make it work out."

Stein didn't answer, but simply pulled out another smoke and lit it up. He was over being anonymous, all the familial issues were depressing him too much. And he'd have to find a new subject to dissect, since, according to most societies, it wasn't nice to deprive a child of their father.

Taking the fresh round of smoking to be his cue to leave, Spirit nodded at Stein and headed out, not caring to hide the obvious spring in his step. He may have been off in his happy-land, but Stein, in contrast, couldn't miss the quiet chorus of 'thank god, one of them is gone' coming from the café residents.

Polluting the air with tobacco one last time, Stein casually stood to take his exit.

Spirit was starting family.

He was hiding in his stitched up home.