Disclaimer: If I owned Sherlock, Season 3 would have come out already ;) And it would have included The Geek Interpreter, purely so I could see John and Sherlock in ninja costumes XD
This is just a bit of fun I wrote a while back when I was playing with different writing styles and practising short stories ;)
Well? What do you want?
Yes, it's obvious you want my help. We've never met, John's not in so you're not one of his friends, and you can't be coming to introduce yourself because there have been no new neighbors in this street since Emily Jennings took the flat downstairs. I hope for your sake you have something interesting for me to look into.
A lost goldfish? You can't be serious!
Oh, you mean a fish made of actual gold. Yes, I see. Still not interested. Next!
Come in. No, don't sit down, you don't get to sit down until I've managed to ascertain how interesting you're going to be.
I don't care if you do think your husband's having an affair.
No, not even if it is with your...uncle? Hmm. That's different. Still not worth my time. Next!
Forget it. I don't deal with the press in any way, shape or form. You're nothing but greedy, lying, manipulative, backstabbing little leeches, the lot of you. Get out, and do try and make an effort to fall headlong down the stairs and fracture your skull, won't you? Next!
Oh, it's you again. I suppose I admire your pigheadedness, but the answer's still no. I will not show you how to solve a Rubik's Cube, and I don't care how much money you have riding on it. Next!
And what sort of mind-numbing problem do you have?
Yes, I can see it's you, Lestrade. You always have some problem or another and yours do tend to be marginally more entertaining than most of the rubbish I get. What's going on this time?
Of course there's something going on. There's always something going on where you're involved.
Why do you want me to rent an office?
Look, I didn't tell all these people to camp outside my flat! It's not my fault if their presence has slowed traffic to a crawl! Anyway, London's always whining about people driving too fast as it is; you should be thanking me.
What is the point, then?
I told you, the fact that people are camping out in Baker Street to try and bring their mundane little problems to me is not my fault! Why don't you go and arrest them?
Well, if it's not technically illegal, then why are you whining about it?
No, it is not my responsibility. How can it be my responsibility? Just because I'm a consulting detective who recently attained worldwide fame does not make it my fault that the whole world wants to give me a job! And speaking of jobs, did you come here with a problem, or are you just trying to wangle your way into a new career as my PA?
Hmm. I see. Was it an entertaining murder?
Well, get lost, then. And send in the next client on your way out!
Yes, and what can I do for you?
Sorry, I don't do missing pets. Call the RSPCA. And get it microchipped next time! Next!
I know I'm going to regret asking you this, but what's the idea behind the hat?
It protects you from the government? How?
Oh, from the government's brainwashing rays, I see. And how are they firing the rays at you?
They're bouncing them off the moon every night. Yes. I knew I'd regret asking. Look, the government has never managed to seize control of an individual's mind, hard as they try. And even if they did, I don't know what you think I could do about it. You'd do better talking to my brother. Next!
How do I know if the baby's yours when I haven't seen it? Do I look like a psychic DNA profiler? Next!
I'm not an agony aunt either. Why the hell should I care who your true love is?
No, it is not me. Wait, are you the one who's been sending me those letters?
Oh, I don't read them. I pass them onto John and he copies bits out and emails them to his girlfriend.
No, John isn't single, although I admit it's probably just a matter of time. Look, I'm a consulting detective, not a matchmaker. Get out. Next!
What the hell kind of question is that?
Fine; Scorpio. Next!
Look, if you bring that damn cube in here one more time, I'm going to throw both it and you out of the window! Get out! And stop jumping the queue. Next!
We're out of milk? What kind of stupid problem is that?
Oh, it's you. Sorry, John, didn't recognise you without the worried look you seem to be sporting these days.
Yes, I know Baker Street's sprouted a few tents along the pavement! I do live here, you know!
Oh, don't be an idiot. If I let clients come in as and when they like, we'll never get shot of them. Much better to condense it into an hour's slot every day. Speaking of which, what time is it?
God, you mean I've got to endure another forty five minutes of tedious drivel? Maybe I'll change the slot to half an hour. I can just about handle that much stupidity. That sign on the door doesn't seem to be working.
What do you mean, you took it off? Why?
I see. Hmm. Yes. Well, against all the odds, you may actually have a point there; everyone always does think their own case is exciting and interesting. They must lead very dull lives, if a missing parakeet is the highlight of their week.
No, I don't want everyone to think like me, although it might be nice if a few more people could be as intelligent as me. I make my living dealing with interesting idiots, but over the last three days there's been far too much idiot and not enough interesting.
It's not harsh; it's a fact. Everyone's an idiot. I'm not sure how they manage it. Next!
Oh, for God's sake! Can't you think of anything more interesting to ask me?
Alright, fine! AB-negative. Now get out!
Yes, I don't care who you are. Just tell me what you want. And if it concerns my star sign, my blood group or another one of those damn logic puzzles, I will personally throw you out of the window!
Your daughter was found dead. I see. Anything special about this death or did she just decide to keel over one day?
Carved an Egyptian eye into her own forehead before dying? Now that does have potential. Sit down, John'll make you some coffee, or whatever you want to drink. Hope you don't take milk.
Right. Sit down, drink up and tell me everything.
Yes.
Right.
I see, and did your daughter have any enemies at all? Apart from whoever broke into her room and disemboweled her, I mean.
None at all. Very interesting. I'll take the case. Text me your address; John and I will be over later today. Now excuse me while I go and deal with the rest of this rabble...
Well, there you have it. Just a little bit of light humor, not really meant to be taken seriously ;) Hope you enjoyed it and if you read, please review! :)