This was written for Nimori's challenge on lj.
It's a humor fic and really has no pairing. Tis more of a crackfic really...
Chapter 9: The Mysterious Smell
It was a rainy day at merry old Hogwarts... Again. Harry was sneaking around, trying to hear some news about the Order from Dumbledore, who was currently in his office. Harry silently let his invisibility cloak drop to the floor and pulled out an Extendable Ear.
"¦Look at me, you foolish old-man. I can't teach like this," floated the most beautiful voice in the world, accompanied by the most beautiful smell in the world. It smelled like lust, it smelled like love, it was perfect. The Boy- Who- lived was officially in love ¦or so it seemed at the time.
The door swung open and hit Harry in the face jolting him out of his daze.
"POTTER!" Harry looked up at the creature that was emanating that beautiful smell only to find himself staring at-
"Severus, is Harry here?"asked (perhaps try 'asked' or 'questioned' instead) the Headmaster from within the office.
Before Snape could say anything, Harry bolted. What was he thinking? Snape? Of all people, it had to be Snape. If he was going to become gay he might as well pick someone really sexy like Draco Malfoy, for example¦ Wait, where did that come from?
'Harry tumbled into the common room drenched in sweat from running away from Snape. Hermione and Ron were sitting in the couch doing homework.
"Harry did you here anything?" Hermione asked. Even though she deeply disapproved of Harry sneaking around, she had to admit that it helped them know what was going on in the school as well as
Harry told them the confusing tale of the beautiful smell, but left out the part about Snape because there was no way that Snape could have had a smell coming off of him.
"I, Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World, Boy Wonder, Friend of Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, vow to find out the source of that smell and exchange body fluids with it while performing lurid acts of sex!"
Ron and Hermione stared at each other. Harry really needed to work on his epithets.
There was something rotten in the state of Snape's potion classroom. Harry (inconveniently) had overslept and now was arriving late to potions, but for a change the fates were with him; Snape was not present.
He stared at the disturbing scene before him. Pansy would alternate between giggling with Millicent and throwing the dark figure (what she considered to be) seductive glances. Ron alternated between drooling at the figure in the corner (which looked rather like Snape to tell the truth) and stirring the content in his cauldron (which looked suspiciously like a love potion).
Harry quickly sat down near Hermione who was rapidly stirring a cement-like liquid in her cauldron.
"What's going on Hermione?" Harry whispered afraid Snape would pop out the supply closet and take 1 million points away from him for arriving 2 minutes late to class.
"Harry, have I ever told you I'm going to be the youngest Minister of Magic ever?"
"No, and I asked where Snape was."
" Ahh ¦well he descended from the Heavens and told the class that we could make any potion we wanted today! Now he is keeping an eye on us from the corner. Such a nice man that Snape," Hermione said with a sigh.
Then Harry smelt it again. The beautiful smell ¦Hermione apparently smelt it too. Harry looked around trying to figure out where it was coming from only to feel a rush of air as this person passed. Funny, this person looked like Snape.
Dear Merlin. Was Neville writing love poems to his least favorite teacher? What in the name of all that is holy to the llamas that live in Peru was going on here?
Yes, something was very wrong in the state of Snape's classroom.
They were researching in the library. In fact every year they always seemed to be searching for something in the library. This year was no exception and it happened to be the mysterious smell. What creature or thing could emanate such a beautiful smell? Ron and Harry were actually the ones who suggested that they research in the library in the first place. To Hermione this was her life dream; Finally having her two best friends understand her.
Dinner was a trivial affair, practically the whole student body was whispering about this smell. Then¦
"UREKA! I KNOW WHERE THE SMELL IS COMING FROM" Hermione yelled her face lighting up in realization.
"What is the smell?" Harry asked excitedly.
Hermione leaned over and whispered it in his ear.
Harry's eyes widened comically and his mouth fell open.
"WHAT!"
"Right, so Snape's part veela and just came to his inheritance. We are going to help him find his mate because otherwise the whole student body, including us , will continue to lust after our esteemed potions master whenever he is within 10 feet of us. And since Harry is the savior and has a stupid hero-complex he is practically obligated to put aside his past amnesty toward Snape and help him," Ron effectively summarized the last hour of their conversation.
"Right," Harry and Hermione said.
Ron sighed it was going to be a long week.
STEP 1 to finding a mate for you veela friend according to "So You Know a Veela" was knowing your veela friends' preferences. Which is why Harry and co. were searching through Snape's room during a faculty meeting.
"Ok, what do we have on the list right now?" Ron asked riffling through Snape's bookshelf.
Hermione listed a few characteristics and some of the new things they learnt such as, Snape has fluffy stuffed animals under his bed, and a bottle of extra-strength (for oily hair!) shampoo. Why anyone would want there hair oily was beyond anything Hermione could comprehend.
According to the book you could learn a surprising amount about a person from a person's underwear drawer. Harry was elected to do so.
"There's nothing here except some black and gray boxers!" Harry cried attempting to move them with a quill," Wait here's a MAN-THONG!" Harry cried accidentally flinging it in the air. The man thong (which was indecently hot pink and said YOU SEXY THING on the front) was airborne for a minute before it landed on Ron's face who had been watching its progress dumbfounded through the air.
Then all chaos broke loose.
"Mr. Weasley! Did you try to boil your face?" Madame Pomfrey asked while applying a healing salve across his face. Ron muttered something about Snape's man thong and anti-bacterial charms not being enough to remove the feeling of it still being there.
STEP 2 according to the book, was to make a list of all possible candidates. Most partial veela's mate with someone that they already know.
Hermione managed to get a list of everyone in the castle and laid it on the table.
"The book says to eliminate anyone who is younger than the veela," Hermione intoned.
"Mr. Potter! Are you aware that it is almost curfew!" came the most beautiful voice in the universe. Hermione quickly swallowed and resisted the urge to jump out there and tell Snape how gorgeous he was. Harry could stall Snape.
"Have I ever told you that I've evaded Voldemort more than 4 times?" Harry's voice had a certain dreamy quality to it. The smell was assaulting his senses, encasing him in a cage of pleasure and pain. Pain because it was Snape, the most feared teacher since Dracula (who enjoyed giving out extra credit to those who "donated" blood) taught here in the 1200's, and pleasure because it smelled so bloody good! Harry couldn't wait until everything was back to normal.
Well…more normal than it was now. Just today alone Snape got over 100 fan mail. It wasn't fair! No one in the school ever got more fan mail than him! But damn that man was hot. Come to think of it, he hadn't fulfilled his vow of exchanging body fluids¦.
Snape must have noticed the hungry look on his face and suddenly bolted without taking away house points.
Tsk tsk, Snape was really not in good form today.
It was almost midnight by the time Harry and Hermione finished with the list, sadly their faithful comrade; Ron was still recovering in the Hospital Wing from his rather unfortunate incident with the thong.
"Ok the final step is, we perform a spell with an object from Snape's room and the list, if his mate is on the list then it'll glow red.
Hermione whispered the spell. After a moment a name glowed red. They both leaned in to see it, not noticing Snape, who was well aware of what they were doing, behind them cloaked by the darkness of the library.
"Hagrid!"
Someone in the small village located in Ohio woke up to the sound of Snape's scream.
END
really