One-shot. I decided to take a break from my other stories. Spoilers for Kakashi Gaiden. Takes place back in the good old days when Sasuke wasn't as much of a jerk, Sakura was long haired and useless, and Naruto was as loud and immature as ever.
Obito talking 'Kakashi thinking' "Normal Talking"
So enjoy! Reviews are appreciated!
Gray dawn light filtered through the shades. The sickly figure of a man was hunched in the dark.
Suffering.
He knew what was coming, and he dreaded it. Kakashi had endured these attacks for nearly ten years, everyday this panicking choking feeling woke him up. He had little time to prepare himself in the morning before this agony rang through him.
Terror seized him as it began. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the pain digging into his head. The pressure kneaded his skull. Covered in a cold sweat he feebly opened his eyes as the trembling failed to ceased and waited for the thick, foggy shadow to clear from his eyes.
Now for the harder part. He slowly unclenched his grinded teeth and dared to take a breath. Kakashi knew the longer he waited the worse it would be.
He struggled to breathe.
It felt like someone was standing on him, the pressure on his lungs was unimaginable. His lungs just seemed to refuse to accept the air he was offering. The usual smothering feeling suffocated him and he fought the urge to scream out in agony.
He keeled over gasping and choking.
He coughed up blood.
The sticky scarlet liquid tasted sour in his mouth and he tried to fight the fear creeping up his spine. He weakly spat it out. Kakashi went limp trembling violently. He dropped himself on his bed. Panting as he shook so uncontrollably. Breathing was easier after he had got over the initial shock. He closed his eyes, he knew his students would be waiting for him, but he just needed a minute to rest.
Kakashi…..
'Oh, it's you…' he thought tiredly.
You can't go on like this Kakashi, you need help.
'I don't need help; I've survived long enough on my own'
Look at the state you're in! That's just your pride talking! Can't you just accept that this is a problem any maybe you need help from someone else for once? You can't do everything alone! This is worse than you know! Please!
'Tomorrow…' Kakashi groaned as he forced himself into a sitting position.
Fighting nausea he began getting ready for the day ahead. He had his misgivings about going to sleep. He learned to live with the constant worry that he might not be able to get up in the morning, his heart could stop beating at any moment and that one day he might fall asleep and never wake up.
He walked slowly to the meeting area. Trying not to drag his feet he did his best to shut out the pained expression plastered on his face.
His body ached and it was sore every day, but he had to hide it.
He had to pretend he wasn't hurting inside.
He had to fake enthusiasm when he accepted a mission each day.
He had to keep that cool, calm attitude, pretend he didn't care, but he couldn't even fool himself.
He tried to make himself believe it would be okay, but he didn't know how long he could do it every morning.
He remained expressionless and forgets the worries that prodded him, and try to ignore the small hope that someone save him from this nightmare.
He had to go to his team, pretend he didn't care that his team was annoyed at him.
He had to force a grimace and make a poor excuse every day.
He had to shrug of the teams as they accused him of lying.
Stifling a sigh, he walked up to him and began the same routine again. Thankfully they got an easy mission today. And his team was feeling confident enough to tackle the job on their own. Maybe the Hokage decided they were becoming more independent. Or maybe he could see through Kakashi disguise and pitied him.
Kakashi scowled, he had hoped the lines under his eyes weren't noticeable from the lack of sleep these days. He vaguely thought about it as he pushed his weary body through the forest. He just had to focus on putting one foot in front of another. Not hard, but it still put strain on him.
'I'm getting tiered of this. I can't keep up with myself anymore'
You got that right! You're fading more and more everyday…
'Shut up Obito… leave me alone… Kakashi mumbled.
Lost in thought, Kakashi didn't notice his team had stopped until he almost crashed into Sakura.
"Sorry…" he murmured.
Sakura observed him closely, "you okay Kakashi-sensei?" she asked quizzically.
"I'm fine don't worry about it." He responded in monotone, squinted his only visible eye. Sakura shrugged and wandered off, clearly accepting his response and not caring as much as she should.
Kakashi settled himself in the shade of a tree and rested his back against its gnarly, twisted bark. Hiding behind his book, he closed his eye, letting the swampy blackness envelope him. He felt so worn out, and they day had barely started.
Kakashi, you look like hell.
He groaned 'didn't I tell you to go away?'
But secretly he liked having Obito in his mind; it saved him from being lonely.
Oh Kakashi, you know I can't leave. No matter how much I want too!
'So cheerful. What is there to be happy about?'
Careful there, negativity is contagious! Think positive, it wards off suspicion!
"Kakashi-sensei?" Kakashi looked up. Naruto was peering over him.
"Huh?" he gazed up at his student.
Your voice is slurred.
Kakashi straightened himself out.
"What was that?"
"We're done." The blonde haired student said in an uncharacteristically serious manner.
"Right" Kakashi stood up leaning heavily on the tree. Naruto narrowed his eyes.
"Are you okay Kakashi-sensei? You look….pale"
"It's nothing" Kakashi reassured the boy.
They began the journey home. He really must be letting himself go if even his students have noticed. Especially Naruto, he could be so oblivious.
Kakashi felt a prickle of guilt as he realized he had no idea what had happened that day. Time had slipped by him again. His students just took care of it without any hesitation.
Team 7 strided through the dense forest, wildlife stirring at every movement. Kakashi lagged behind, observing his team. Naruto was in the lead, he set a fast pace as he blabbed about ramen or something like that. Sakura was closest to him, gazing at Sasuke with star-lit eyes. And Sasuke looked blank, deep in thought staring off into the distance.
Kakashi mindlessly surveyed the sky. A hazy clump of cloud gathered near the sunset. The blazing sun dipped behind the thin spread of trees and casted frail evening shadows over the twilight forest. Gentle thin streams of pale gray waited at the edge of the forest.
Dusk began to fall over the dimming grove as Kakashi reached sight of his peaceful village. The quad of ninjas made their way to the Hokage tower and filed their report.
Kakashi pressed out the temptation to close his eyes. That would make him look as drained as he felt. He kept his head locked in an upright position and forced himself to concentrate as the Hokage drabbled on.
Loosing himself again, Kakashi found himself edging the time along. His wandering eyes set vacantly on a particular leaf. It dangled lazily onto a scarred brown oak. The leaf was delicate and hanging by a thread.
It seemed to linger for no apparent reason; few leaves remained on the tree. There seemed to be no reason for it to stay, but there was a lack of resolve, as if the poor leaf was still waiting for that extra push to send it on its way. The wind failed to supply the much needed breeze to catch the unstable leaf.
It was as if all it wanted was to see its friends again, but feared for what it was leaving behind. The leaf was suspended above the ground, levitating above all of it could ever need, all it ever cared about.
Just out of reach.
Kakashi knew what that hopelessness felt like, for in many ways he was just like that leaf. His friends depended on him, and he let them all down. He couldn't protect the precious people in his life no matter how hard he tried.
That was the way of a ninja; the shinobi lifestyle was filled with death. He cursed himself for being a coward, he lacked the boldness to face death and accept what was happening to him.
The helplessness surrounding him as he half hoped someone would find him, but part of him resented himself for it. He was supposed to be Konoha's most respected and feared ninja. Undefeatable Kakashi Hatake, the one that always found a way out, always thought up a sneaky excuse, always had a secret technique up his sleeve. Always had some sort of trick to save the day, always found a way to make things okay. But it's not okay.
Stubbornness flared inside Kakashi as a spark of his old self returned, he didn't believe in giving up. He hung on to the promise that he would someday see Obito again, and Rin. His sensei, his friends, even his father he longed to see.
He wanted to die as a hero. He wanted to be remembered as someone risking his life to save a comrade. A noble death worthy of Kakashi Hatake, he felt like he deserved it and he didn't want himself to go to unnoticed.
Peace was what he wanted, he yearned for the contentment and the forgiveness of those he loved most.
Shattered promises.
Friends lost forever where nobody could follow.
Relationships ruined by distance.
The torn feeling ripping you apart.
What was left to fight for? What was still needed of him to make him linger, to make sure he survived against all odds, even though others didn't?
He was mentally falling apart. He had endured his life so far. But every now and then he thought about it. Who was he living for? Who would miss him if he was to suddenly leave this place?
If there was a heaven Kakashi could not imagine himself in it, so many things have gone wrong in his life, so many broken promises. He lost everyone he grew close too. And every failed team he sent back to the academy revived a hint of regret.
But he had to forget it. He had to ignore the doubt that lay dormant in his mind. That was who he was.
That was what years of loss and sacrifice had molded him out to be. It wasn't a decision, it was fate.
And not even Kakashi could escape fate.
Blinding darkness surrounds Kakashi as he wanders around in his sub-conscious. It should be normal, but for some reason this startles him.
Something was wrong.
He couldn't quite place his finger on it but it was different. Lonely and confused, Kakashi stumbles around in this dreary atmosphere. Instincts screaming at him to flee but he could sense no danger.
He finds himself nervously glancing over his shoulder repeatedly. This wasn't like his usual dreams, if that's what it was. This couldn't possibly be reality, it was too depressing.
He frowns and ambles aimlessly on. He didn't know how he got there. Or how to leave. He was clueless of what he was supposed to do. He wonders how long it will be like this. He wonders where this bleak void will end.
He hears a muffled voice.
Kakashi!
The voice sounds panicked. Don't worry, Kakashi wanted to tell it. There was something calming about the cool murkiness that swallowed him. It tugged at his brain. It begged him to join it. Something inside him wanted to give in too.
He sighed loudly. Someone was nagging him. He didn't know who it was, but it was getting irritating. He did his best to ignore it but it clung to him. Kakashi decided to grant the voice access to his thoughts.
Almost at once he was flooded with distressed sound of alarm.
Kakashi! Kakashi! Can you hear me! No! Don't let go! Listen to me Kakashi…oh no…
'What is this?' Kakashi pondered. 'What-'then the realization hit him. It was Obito, sounding distraught and alarmed.
Kakashi dully wondered what was wrong. But honestly, he didn't really care.
This dense air was becoming heavier and harder to breath.
Everything around him pressured him at all sides, threatening to crush him.
His pace slowed.
His muscles grew sore and regained a familiar ache. His head throbbed and the gloomy scenery turned fuzzy. Kakashi blinked his eyes open in surprise as they became harder to lift. His body refused to acknowledge him.
He tried to draw in a last breath before he lost consciousness. Before he knew it he was spiraling into the smog.
Kakashi returned to his reality.
His ears were ringing and he was still cramped up in a tight position. He tensed and listened. Someone was sobbing quietly near him. His mind was still slowed and he couldn't process anything.
What just happened? Who was that? Why were they weeping? It'll be alright, Kakashi wanted to tell them. He tried to gather his thoughts and he instantly recognized the cry.
No Kakashi….
Kakashi tried to make a noise.
He tried to move.
He was frozen.
And he was puzzled. His friend shouldn't be sad. It was wrong.
Kakashi felt frail and thin. He knew his time here was almost over, he knew that his life was uncontrollably slipping through his fingers like sand. His days were numbered.
But Kakashi didn't want to go just yet. He had to call out to his friend and tell him it was useless. But Kakashi was paralyzed.
Somehow he found his voice. And he let out a half-hearted grunt of pain to show it. Kakashi could sense Obito's relief, mostly from the loud sigh his friend suppressed. But Obito wasn't satisfied yet.
What happened Kakashi?
'I don't know. You tell me'
You don't remember anything at all?
'No nothing, why?'
You had me worried there, are you sure you're okay?
'As okay as I'll every be'
Kakashi head was muddled. He was awake right? He had to be, he wasn't able to communicate with Obito in his sleep.
But where was the mind bending pain that normally shocked him awake? What was happening to him? What was so different about this day? Why didn't he have the energy to at least open his eyes?
It was strange that he was barely breathing at all. He didn't need to be. He should be dead. That should make him dead.
He quivered silently.
Something told him that he should just get it over with. He could stay like this, but that would just prolong the he convulsions that he knew would follow. He had to move. He might just lay there all day feeling death pry his mind open.
Feeling his life slip away. He would wither and waste away until something inside him broke. But the misery would stay with him. He didn't want to die this way. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
He wanted to be a hero; he wanted to be remembered as a guardian of the village. His name should be on the K.I.A stone. His life not just stolen by torment and desperation. Wretchedness and disapproval lay dormant within him.
Kakashi had never forgiven himself for the lost opportunities he let slip by his grasp time after time. He had to make a difference somehow. Prove that his life wasn't useless. But all hope was dim and fake. He didn't want to die alone.
Not now.
Not like this.
'Obito...'
Kakashi?
'Who else?"
I don't get it. …are you…..alive?
'Somehow… what happened?'
I just… you just…went…in the middle of the night…
'What? Impossible'
You have just got your first taste of death, my friend. Who did you see?
'I didn't see anyone, I was all alone. Was I supposed to see someone?
What do you mean? Rin told me she was going to meet you
'Rin…I would have liked to see her'
Something must have gone wrong, it that's not right. Tell me about it.
'I don't understand it very well myself but it was dark. And I couldn't see anyone. It was comforting really, the darkness. I guess I must have just been happy to be rid of the dull ache that lived in me. And I just stumbled around until it all came back to me. I could hear you. It scared me at first; somehow I had blocked you out. I was lonely and I didn't know how I did it. But then you were there. And then I was in back in reality. What's happening to me?'
I'm not sure. I'm sorry but I really don't know much about this. I was watching you sleep. For a moment you actually looked...peaceful. And then it started. Your face lost color fast and you had a deathly glow to you. You looked ashen and hollow. It was horrifying. You had a haunted and ghostly appearance, it just took over you. You seemed to welcome the change. You did not even try fighting it. You just changed so drastically in a couple of minutes that I began to worry. I tried to wake you up but you couldn't seem to hear me. You weren't moving at all, and I could no longer feel your heartbeat. I couldn't hear your low raspy wheezing noises anymore. That's when I got scared. I called and called but slowly you were fading. I knew I needed some help so I got Rin. I explained the situation to her and she said maybe it was your time. She looked sorrowful and she told me that she wanted to be there to meet you. I examined you and it wasn't good. You were lost to the world. I knew that you would be in a better place. I should have been happy for you. But this wasn't what you wanted. I grieved for you, I mourned for Konoha. You were always reminding me; you wanted to have something worth living for. You wanted to be respected and looked up to. And if you had to go you wanted people to remember your name, for many generations on. You wanted to have impact on the village like few ninjas have done before. And as I was watching you withdrew farther and farther from my grasp, I began to regret it. I could sense what you were going through. I could understand the depths of your words. And how you were fighting your own personal war raging inside you every day. I knew this wasn't what you wanted. This wasn't what I had imagined either. I saw myself guiding you through life. I saw you as the Hokage someday; I knew you could do it. I saw you as a wise old man with a family of your own to take care of. But that never will be now. I told you Kakashi, I told you to find yourself, I begged you to let someone in and maybe they could save you. It's too late now Kakashi. It looks like this is it. Despite the tormenting you seem to endure daily. No matter how hard you tried efforts only got you so far. I'm sorry.
Silence. It stretched out. It filled the room and settled. Kakashi was at a loss for words. He was shocked, and even a little hurt. Obito's words rang fresh in his mind. Was he scolding him or just venting due to stress? Kakashi found his voice but he didn't know what to say.
The still silence spread on.
And the only reason you are dead to the world right now is because of a fever. You're burning up. You waited too long this time. You waited one day too long. Just another mask for you to hide behind, just another thing for you to worry about.
'Obito… I didn't mean for it to go this far… I clutched the false hope that someday I might find a solution. I prayed every day for this torture to end. Your right, I know you are. Maybe I'm just too headstrong for my own good.'
This was Konoha's loss, not his. Blame them for being so oblivious. He couldn't do anything right, he couldn't even die right.
'How long do I have? He questioned cautiously.
Obito paused. Kakashi could feel it. There was something he wasn't telling him. Obito had a secret. Kakashi feared the worst.
I honestly don't know
For some reason this bothered Kakashi. It must be bad if even Obito didn't know. Obito always knew. He just did. But Kakashi felt so detached from himself.
He felt drained and weak. His breath came out softly in faint gasps. His eyes drooped lower and lower until he couldn't afford to keep them open anymore. He didn't want to risk passing out again, just in case he was sent directly back to that dark crater. He wanted to speak with Obito more. But he was finding it harder to hang on.
The darkness consumed Kakashi and he could remember no more.
Kakashi groggily regained consciousness. Exhaustion encased him and he feverishly opened his eyes.
He hated feeling like this; he was so tired of trying to fight this. He was just a breath away from falling off the edge. He could do it, but he's not ready to die.
Hey you're awake.
Kakashi moaned 'how long has it been?'
Oh I don't know, a day or two, it's almost lunch time.
'But that's…where's my team?'
I don't know let me check.
Kakashi's eyelids fluttered a dead weight began to settle in his bones. Surely someone would have noticed his absence after so long? He sighed and time dragged on.
Kakashi! Obito's voice pierced through his thoughts
'What? What do you want?'
Sorry… you look…grim
What's happening out there?'
Your team is getting worried; they're coming to look for you.
His head was pounding, almost completely drowning out Obito's words. A feeble coughing fit racked his weary body.
His shallow breathing was the only sign that life was still in him, light-headedness swamped him and fogged his thoughts. He listened to his short, uneven, wheezing until the rise of his chest was barely noticeable.
It was then he heard the door creak open. He had thought he imagined it; illusions had interfered with his sense of thought and judgment.
But he was sure of it when he heard their voices. It has been a while since he's heard them, but he was sure it was them. Their voices sounded faint and echoed inside his head.
He wanted to call out to them, tell them that he was here. But Kakashi was at a loss, it was up to them.
"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto shouted his distress evident.
"We shouldn't be here….this is invading his privacy…." Sakura's voice was uneasy with fear for her sensei.
"He's probably still waiting for us at the normal spot; we shouldn't be sneaking around in his home." Sasuke appeared unbothered by it all. Not the least bit phased by the absence of his sensei.
The team hesitated to consider. A compromise was reached when Sasuke left to wait at the meeting area.
Kakashi heard him leave and the compression in his chest intensified. He abruptly jerked forward, his head spinning from the sharp movement and the effort it stole from what little he had left.
Kakashi muzzled himself as he strained to listen to his students as they shuffled throughout his apartment. He was beginning to lose faith in them. His apartment wasn't that big. What where they doing?
He closed his eyes and silently called out to them, loneliness stung him. Pain weakened him. Dizziness swarmed his head and smothered his eye sight. Years of this wore down on him and breathing became a chore. Simply living robbed him of what little left he had to offer.
Hang in there Kakashi
Kakashi gave slight whimpered in answer. His rattled breathing was the only sound from him.
And soon that too was failing.
He tuned himself back in on the calls of his team as they investigated and hunted through room after room. He dully picked up on their chatter and begged them on.
"…is that it?" Defeat unwillingly crept into Naruto as he joined up with Sakura.
"I think so. Where can he be?" Sakura voice was tight with concern.
"Maybe he was sent on a mission" Naruto optimized.
A moment of thoughtful silence extended over the two.
"Then we should go see the Hokage next" Sakura calmly stated. Trying to shut out the overwhelming doubt that was plain in her as she trudged in the direction of the door. Naruto too reluctantly trailed behind, but shortly faltered after a few steps.
They were so close to him! They can't give up yet, they had to keep trying. Kakashi was obliged to disbelieve that.
"Wait… what about over there?"
"What? Didn't we search that room already?"
"I thought you did."
"Fine I'll go and look again." Sakura replied as she scuffled closer to the door.
Closer to him.
Closer to the truth.
Kakashi sympathized in the horrific scene that would await them.
He remembered discovering his father in a similar position.
He remembered holding his father as he lay dying in his arms.
His father's sigh in relief that he wouldn't be alone in his final seconds.
He remembered the bitter frustration that swept over him. And the anger that he couldn't understand.
He remembered the look his father gave him until his eyes closed forever. The look that plead for forgiveness and remorse at the same time. He recalled the solitary attitude that was forced onto him. The belief that in order to never feel pain he must first never grow close to anyone.
Memories threatened to engulf him as he fought to block out those unwanted recollections that resurfaced. He wanted to spare his students from the life-changing moment.
He wanted to steal all there pain away and make them understand. But that was something that even Kakashi could not accomplish. This was his limit.
And there was nothing he could do to prevent the shrill scream that arose from Sakura as she opened the door. Time seemed to move in slow motion as he witnessed Naruto burst into the room and the shocked and unbelievably scared expression that overtook him.
He could barely hear their voices as they screamed for him.
He could barely feel them as they reached for him.
He heard Sakura crumple to the ground in submission to the grief. Her empty sobs shook him to the core. He couldn't bear to hear her weep like this.
Naruto stood frozen. Disbelief plastered his face as he started to shake. He broke out of the trance and slowly sauntered over to his sensei.
"Kakashi-sensei…" he whispered.
Kakashi's eyes tore off of Sakura as she hysterically cried. His glazed black eyes glided to Naruto's miserable blue ones.
He saw himself reflected there, his deathly frail glow, his ashen face, the poor sickly look, his thin weak limbs, his eyes rendering in defeat.
There was no hope left.
Sakura cried out as a severe pain stabbed him and he lurched out.
Gasping, he choked out "Naruto…" it had been so long since he had last spoken, he sounded hoarse.
Naruto knelt down besides his sensei as his life faded away.
There was nothing he could say.
There was nothing he could do.
Another tremor agonized him as he flinched from the jab it gave him. Kakashi's eyes rolled back to Naruto. He was sadly stunned (*) by the cold hate that he saw in their depths. But he knew this would happen.
"Don't…be…angry…" his voice crackled and he cringed at the raw pain that shot through him as he spoke.
Kakashi blinked and croaked "I'm sorry."
If he were a bit stronger he would have added something about how even If he were to leave here, he would never really be gone.
But those were words that were left unspoken.
Naruto and Sakura stayed by his side until the life flickered from his eyes.
Until Kakashi grew cold and the lights died out.
So? what do you think? is it worth your review? this actually took me sometime even though its supposed to be a one-shot. oh well. (*) "sadly stunned" I think I should explain that. I was trying to say that kakashi was stunned by the anger in Nartos eyes and sad because thats what he must have looked like when he saw his father like that. and stuff
disclaimer - I dont own naruto. if I did it would be called kakashi instead