Hooray I'm posting crap
The Portly Prince had brought him gifts, mostly food. His kingdom was spared. The Regional Rappers had offered a concert and dinner theater. Their kingdom was spared. The Whale Watchers had...well. Bowser had not been kind to Whale Watchers as they had tried to harpoon him on sight, which did not settle too well with him. After invading their kingdom he had asked Kamek time after time, "DO I LOOK LIKE A WHALE?" to which the reply was always, "No, Sire, you do not look like a whale."
Once again, Bowser was in the process of invading the Mushroom Kingdom. He had stayed in today, and ordered his army of Goombas and Koopas to bring him the princess instead of fetching her himself. This had become more of a job rather than simple shenanigans. The more the days lingered on, the more he found himself gaining joy from invading neighboring kingdoms that were helpless to him rather than try time and time to target the Mushroom Kingdom. It made him feel more like winner when other kingdoms bended to his will rather than getting his ass handed to him by Mario.
He was trying to read a book, before he remembered he hated reading, then the doors to his throne were thrown open. A few Koopas and Goombas entered, the princess on their heels. Yes, they have heels, they have feet don't they. Bowser gave her his best grin, to which she looked in another direction, mostly interested in the floor, which he couldn't understand. He was him, why wouldn't she want to look at him? He was awesome.
"Welcome to my castle, Peach." He felt so casual calling her by her name rather than princess, but he deserved it, after all. He was the only one allowed to be on a first name basis with her.
Peach, still not looking at him which put him off slightly, sighed. "Do you never grow bored?"
"Bored of what? Of my strategies and brilliant plans that will surely lead me to victory with Mario this time? Never!"
A nearby Goomba piped up. "This was my idea though!"
"BE QUIET!" Bowser stomped on the ground, shaking the entire castle with the weight he put on his foot. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
The Goomba now looked a little nervous. "Gary Goomba. I'm new, I just started today."
"Weird, I don't remember reading your resume. But then again, Kamek does that, so..." Another stomp, this time by his opposite foot. "YOU'RE FIRED, JERRY."
"Gary."
"WHATEVER, GET OUT."
The Goomba gave Bowser a glare before turning around and making his exit. Several of the Koopas and remaining Goombas looked at each other nervously. It seemed Bowser was in a really bad mood today for whatever reason, and they did not want to be on the receiving end of his anger.
"The rest of you can go, I'll escort Peach to her room."
The princess smoothed out her dress. "I've been here so many times, I bet I can find it myself by now." She seemed to be in a mood too. But hers was more gloom than anger.
Bowser pretended he didn't hear her and his mood brightened considerably once everyone else had left and he was alone with her. He tried mustering a charming smile in her direction, and twiddled his claws a little. "I've spruced up the spare bedrooms a little. I hope you like what we've done with them."
Peach nodded, still staring mostly at the floor, still gloomy. Then, she began walking in the opposite direction Bowser had intended, which threw him off for a second, and he watched her reach the entrance to the throne room before nabbing her arm. "Whoa, where are you going?"
Peach finally looked up at him, then sighed like she had resigned and given up. "I was planning a daring escape, but it looks like you've caught me."
Was...that supposed to be a joke? He felt like he was supposed to laugh, but she said it with such GLOOM, that he couldn't bring himself to. He decided to ask her about it. "Why are you so sad today? Did something-I mean, um. Is everything alright? Other than me kidnapping you, of course." That was meant to be funny, sort of. She didn't laugh.
"Nothing." It was like someone had sucked the life out of her. Even when she was brought here, Peach engaged in conversation and smiled at him. When she wasn't being resilient and hitting the guards with her parasol, it was almost like they were friends the rest of the time.
He almost felt a little guilty. Had he caused this?
"Well, this way then." Maybe this was some sort of convoluted plan of hers. She was known to cause trouble when Mario didn't. What if she was trying to get him to let his guard down so she really could make her daring escape? He narrowed his eyes at her, as if that would let him see through her. It didn't, obviously, but he was onto her. The first sign of trouble, he would be ready for it. She wasn't going to outsmart him.
Peach remained silent the entire journey up the stairs and to the room he'd picked out for her. He'd even decorated it in pink just for her. When he swung open the door and displayed it for her, proud of himself for having thought to decorate it in her favorite color, he expected even just a tiny smile from her, but got nothing. It was putting him in a bad mood.
If she was going to act like this, then he wouldn't put in the effort to be nice to her. He crossed his arms, frowning. "I...trust you'll remain quiet? We're having a big dinner tonight. You can come down then if you're in a better mood. But stay up here if you still plan to be a sad sap like this." Once she was inside, he took the liberty of slamming the door shut, not caring when a few portraits on the wall next to him fell off.
What was her problem? Why was she acting so out of it like this? Peach was never sad like this. Peach was always happy. She was always nice, always. Even to him.
A voice came from down the hallway after the crashing. "Lord Bowser, are you alright?" Kamek sidled up to him, then he noticed the portraits on the ground, some now broken. "Oh, you broke the picture of your great grandmother. What happened?"
"Peach is sad and it's making me angry."
"What, why?" Picking up a picture, Kamek tried in a failing attempt to dust it off with his robes.
"I don't know! I can't figure it out."
"Did you ask her?"
"Yeah! But she just sighed and said nothing."
Kamek couldn't fix the broken picture by dusting it off, so he dropped it, only breaking it more, but not appearing to care. He pushed his glasses up. "You know. It could be...that time. The monthly thing you know."
Bowser raised an eyebrow. "What. What monthly thing."
"Um. The time of the month."
"What time of the month."
Kamek looked nervous now, making motions with his hands as he was trying to explain. "You know. The thing women go through every month."
Bowser just stared at him, now getting even more angry. "No, I don't know. Stop speaking in riddles."
Kamek sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. Why don't we get Kammy to talk to her? Perhaps she just doesn't want to speak to you."
Bowser was offended. "Why wouldn't she want to talk to me? I'm great! I'm...I'm Bowser!"
"Do you want answers or not?"
He had a point. "Whatever. I don't suppose it could hurt." Turning to leave, Bowser stepped on a portrait by accident and yelped when he got a splinter stuck in his foot from the wooden frame. "AND GET SOMEONE TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS!"
"Yes, your clumsiness."
A few hours had passed since Bowser had returned to his throne and he sat impatiently staring at the ceiling, drumming his claws on the arm rest. Finally, a Koopa came running into the room out of breath, holding a piece of paper.
"Finally, you guys are so slow." Bowser crossed his arms and sat up straight. "What's the report. Has Mario gotten far?"
The Koopa bended in a bow before unraveling the paper and reading. "Sire! Goombas positioned at Castle A, Room B, have reported that Mario had entered their line of fire before retreating promptly! The green guy, we did not catch a name, followed! There are no enemies currently within our line of fire. The castles have all been guarded since with no incident. Mario has not been spotted since his retreat! No Goombas, Koopas, or Troopas have been harmed in the line of duty, Sire!"
Bowser had put his chin to his palm during the report, and was confused. "So. Mario ran away?"
The Koopa saluted before nervously answering, "I-that is, yes, Sire! That appears to be what has happened."
Bowser sat up straight again and laughed. "Isn't this a surprise. Looks like my castles are finally too much for that stupid plumber. I might actually win this time-I mean, yes, this was my brilliant plan all along! Keep guarding the castles, soldier, and don't let Mario or that green guy thing anywhere near the top where we've got our secret stash of stars hidden!"
The Koopa took another. "Yes, your highness!" Crumbling the paper back up, the Koopa turned heel and ran out the door.
Bowser sank in his seat, scratching his chin. This should have been wonderful news. Good news. Great news. But, he could feel an unpleasant feeling welling up in his mighty stomach. Something was wrong, he could tell. First, Peach was sad, then Mario runs away?
Before he could think any further on it, a figure flew over him before lowering itself next to him on a broom. "I've spoken to the princess," Kammy said.
Bowser snapped back at the mention of Peach. "And?"
"It doesn't appear to be her monthly, but-"
"You guys keep saying that, but what does it mean?"
Bowser's question was ignored as Kammy kept speaking. "-she still will not speak of why she is so sad. I had a nice, long chat with her, but she kept silent and all she is doing is sitting in a chair looking out the window."
Bowser grumbled to himself. That didn't improve things at all. It only made them worse, which worsened his mood. "We are having our big feast in just a little while, and I want her to be there, but not if she's acting like this."
Kammy lowered herself until she was standing next to him, her broom in her hand. "If I may make a suggestion, my stuffiness, perhaps if she still is this way during dinner, you can cheer her up by bringing her a plate?"
Bowser crossed his arms and let out a loud laugh. "Of course! She'll be so happy I've provided her with her favorite food she'll be all over me."
Kammy nodded. "As usual, my lord."
Dinner was ready. Everyone had worked hard to put together a delicious feast fit for a king. A king like Bowser. Which he'd ordered them to do, and now it was ready. Eyeing all the food set out before him, Bowser couldn't decide which to devour first. The roasted chicken? The steaks? There were so many meats. After his plate was filled, more like a platter, Bowser sat at the table with several other prestigious Koopas, like Kammy, Kamek, Junior, and others names he couldn't remember.
A servant Koopa with a fancy suit walked near him and bowed. "Sire, the princess is still refusing to come out of her room. Should we bring her down?"
Bowser remembered what Kammy had said earlier. Even though forcing her out would be his style, he wanted to try a different approach. "No, I'll deal with her later."
About an hour into the feast, Bowser decided he had had his full after three platters full of meat, and grabbed a smaller, actual plate, and began filling it with things like strawberry shortcake, banana budding, and the like. He knew Peach liked sweets, so he grabbed as many as he could, not really sure what specifically she liked, just grabbing anything that was bright and colorful. The plate he made was colorful anyway. Once satisfied, he began the ascent toward her room, leaving behind the chatter and commotion of the dining hall.
It was quiet upstairs. The nonsensical babbling from below was soon quiet, and it was a little eerie, he had to admit. The only sound was his stomping, which didn't make it any better. He reached Peach's room, readying a claw to knock, but stopping when he heard a small sniffle inside, muffled by the door. Putting his face against he, he tried to listen in to hear what was going on.
Peach wasn't talking to herself, just sniffling quietly. He waited a few seconds, not sure why, before knocking on the door, not sure why he did that either when he was going to go in anyway.
The room was dark, lit only by the moonlight seeping through the large window at the opposite end to him. Peach sat in a chair, positioned so that she could look out the window. She had left it open, allowing the small breeze that blew to ruffle her hair. She didn't look up when he entered.
He took a big breath and inched closer to her. "You missed dinner so I brought you a plate. It's sweet things. You like cake, don't you?"
Peach finally turned her head toward him, acknowledging him. "Yes. Thank you."
At least she was being somewhat sociable. Clearing his throat, he put the plate on a nearby end table and looked at it before looking at her, then back at the plate. "You should uh, eat some of this now. Some of the cakes are warm. They might taste better now than later."
"Thank you."
Still dissociated though. She wouldn't even look at him. It made him angry again, and his temper flared back to full force and he snapped at her. "Stop acting like this. You aren't supposed to be sad! You're Peach, you're the happiest person I know, even when you're sad, you're happy! Smile or something, jeez, I'm tired of seeing you like this! You're like a zombie or something."
Tears brimmed in her eyes before falling and she covered her face, turning away from him again.
He deflated a little, feeling guilty again. Obviously blowing up at her and yelling wasn't helping, so he took a deep breath again and let it out. This time, he tried speaking gently. "Look, I just want you to be happy again. It's not like you to be so mopey and junk. You haven't even tried hitting one of my Goombas on the head with your umbrella thing. The guys keep telling me about a monthly thing and I don't know what they're talking about, Junior is getting worried about you. Even Mario is acting weird today-"
At the mention of Mario's name, Peach snapped her head up and he could see her eyes sparkling with tears. "Have you seen Mario? Did he ask about me? Did he say anything about me? Has he been trying to find me? Did he-"
Bowser held his hands up to stop her, now royally confused. "Whoa, whoa, slow down. I'm-let me think, what was the first question." This day kept getting more and more weird.
Peach focused on the floor, and opened her mouth like she would speak, then closed it again. Taking a breath, she let it out. "We had a fight earlier today. I don't think he'll be coming to storm your castle, so you probably don't need to go through all this trouble."
Bowser narrowed his eyes. This sounded like some kind of sneaky little plan to him. "Are you trying to trick me into letting you go?"
Peach sighed, wiping at her wet face. "No. I'm telling you the truth. There was a problem at the castle today. I got myself into a jam and the entire staff had to call Mario to come get me out of it. It was embarrassing to be honest. And he grew angry with me and told me in an offhanded way he didn't like always coming to get me out of trouble." Another wipe at her tears. "I don't think he's coming this time. He's right. He must think I'm a baby or something, always needing a servant to hand me everything, or change my dresses. It's like I can't do anything for myself. I feel terrible when things like this happen."
Bowser didn't know what to say. He didn't expect her to open up like this. He especially didn't expect for her to be this upset over a dope like Mario. Why did she dote on him anyway? It made him angry knowing Mario was the one who had made her this sad, but it kind of came around full circle when he realized it was his fault too. If he wasn't always snatching her up, Mario wouldn't have to go through the trouble, and he wouldn't have blown up at her. Bowser knew it was a little bit of everyone's fault, but he was still angry at Mario for all of this. At least he hadn't made Peach cry. That made him feel a little better.
He twiddled his claws again. It was something he did a lot when he was with her. "Why don't you forget him? He's a loser."
Peach didn't say anything at first. She stared at her shoes before shaking her head. "I...I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"I can't have Mario wait on me hand and foot like this. I put him out too much. I ask too much of him and now I don't think he's coming back because of me. I don't want anyone to go through so much just for me." She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms, looking very un-princess-ish. "I don't even think I should go back home."
Bowser listened to her for awhile, not saying anything to let her have her say, but he perked up when she mentioned not going home. He cleared his throat. "You always have a home here, you know. You can just...stay with me?"
The tension in the air was thick. It was quiet for awhile between both of them, the only sound being Bowser's heavy breathing. Everything about him was too loud.
Peach shook her head. "I don't know."
"Come on. Ditch them, ditch them all! They can run the place without you. You won't have to worry about Mario or the green 'stache coming to your rescue all the time, you'll be living here! I'll give you everything you want. I'll decorate your room like your old one, you can have the garden in the back if you like flowers. I'll have my servants mend you a hundred dresses if that's what you want. There's plenty of food here to eat, as I have an entire army to feed, nobody ever goes hungry, and you barely eat anything, so you wouldn't be putting anyone out. You can come and go as you please, I won't hold you captive in your room anymore. If you live here, you would, I mean. Live here. And if you want, you can go on adventures with me. I own a lot of different things than just castles. I have a casino."
Peach perked up a little, and he was finally starting to see the smallest signs of a smile. "That sounds...interesting."
"IT IS. IT'S VERY INTERESTING. WE RUN THE JOINT AND THEN SAPS COME IN AND GAMBLE THEIR MONEY AWAY LIKE IDIOTS AND WE TAKE IT ALL. There's always great music and lights and I get to kick out cheaters and take all their coins. I own an amusement park too. If you want, you can just ride roller coasters all day with Junior or somebody. He's been lonely too." He was getting excited now. Standing straight and stomping toward her side, he made some hand motions like that would explain anything better. "I promise, if you live with me, I'll give you whatever you want! It'll be just like home. I won't treat you like a prisoner anymore. It would be home then. And if anything happens, you've got Bowser on your side! I'll smash anyone who tries to hurt you or take you away from me. I won't hurt you like that loser Mario did. I want you happy, because I love you."
Peach's tears were gone, and she stood from the chair, smoothing out her dress again. "I don't want to be any trouble here."
"You won't be! I'm telling you, we have a castle accommodating armies of my stupid minions, we can make room for a beautiful princess. You aren't putting anyone out."
Twiddling her fingers, now it seemed his habit had rubbed off on her. "What about Mario and Luigi?
"Forget them. You can even be by my side while I'm throwing shells at them. You can throw the red ones." o response. And he couldn't take the silence anymore, he wanted her to talk to him again. "Peach, do you want to live here? Do you really want to? Because I do. I would be thrilled if you started living here."
Small tears, not as harsh as the ones she had earlier, fell. "I...I do. Please. I'm sorry. I don't want to go home."
"Then stay."
He took her tiny, tiny hand, like a toy's hand, in his giant claw, and gave her a small, reassuring squeeze, being as gentle as possible. "I want you happy, you know."
Silence, and then a tiny sniffle from the princess, followed by a slow nod. "Okay..." She was silent again, but only for a moment. "Why do you like me?"
It made him stop and think for a moment. He'd never really had to think about it before, but-it was quite simple. "Because you're nice to me, even when I'm trying to take over your kingdom. You still play sports and board games and race with me."
"I see."
Before he did anything else, Bowser let go of her hand and pointed to himself. "Now I have a question for you."
"...Yes?"
"Do you think I look like a whale?"
End