Author: Lilly
Title: A Future So Uncertain
Pairing: Ryan/Calleigh
Summary: When Ryan receives news that Horatio's been shot, his involvement forces him to a place he knows he cannot come back from. At least, he can't without help.
A/N: After the finale, (and after I was done throwing my fit) I tried to come up with a way that Calleigh could be there, once again, for Ryan, and that his involvement wouldn't matter to her. So, here it is! Not my best, but oh well.
A Future So Uncertain
It's done.
Ryan Wolfe exhaled, and slipped his phone back into his pocket. The sun beat down on his face, and he turned his head away from it, facing the lab. He wondered if Horatio was feeling the same sun beat down on his own face, if he was still alive. His heart ached, knowing that if Horatio were still alive, he wouldn't be for long.
Guilt welled up inside of him, and forced tears to his eyes. He couldn't count how many times Horatio had been there for him, how he'd treated him like a son. He hired him fresh off patrol, treated him as an equal, assigned him a case right away, and gave him the pat on the back he'd give anyone else when Ryan cracked the case. When Ryan had been shot with a nail gun at a crime scene, Horatio was there to see him wake up, and gave Ryan as much time as he needed, with full pay, until he wanted to come back to work. Horatio had welcomed him back with open arms after Ryan jeopardized the lab by paying off gambling debts on duty. Horatio had fought for him the entire time, and made sure that when he came back, IAB left him alone. Ryan had let him down countless times, and yet Horatio never gave up hope, he never looked at him differently; he always took him back and stuck by his side. For everything Horatio had given him, Ryan had repaid him with a bullet in the heart.
He choked back the tears, gazing back into the lab. Calleigh would be finishing up the interrogation about now, and would wonder where he was. Oh God, Calleigh. He couldn't go back, not now. He wasn't sure if he could ever go back.
He didn't know what made him do it- he never knew what made him do it- but soon he was in his car, knuckles white on the wheel, tears streaked down his face. He tried to breathe, to keep the lump in his throat from consuming him, but he couldn't prevent the tears from falling, from choking on them, from sobbing uncontrollably. He pulled up on the corner, and parked his car underneath a tree. He slammed the car door and made his way out into the open. He'd been here before, and he knew where to go.
Ryan sank to his knees as he approached Speed's grave. He didn't know why, but some force drove him here when he was feeling this way. The world was crashing down around him, and for reasons he couldn't explain, being here helped. When he was here, everything stopped for a few moments, and nothing could hurt him.
"I'm sorry," he said, as he did every time he was here, "I know I'm the last person who should be here. I never even knew you."
The wind blew his hair back, and his jacket billowed behind him. He slipped it off and lay it down on the grass. Clouds formed overhead, and it began to rain, the water gluing his shirt to his skin. Soon the rain mixed with his tears on his face, and his own sorrow was drained out by the rain, by the world.
"I never meant to take your place."
The rain fell harder, and he choked out more tears. His words slurred, and he had to take deep breaths.
"I don't know how to do this. I don't know how you did it."
He pulled off his tie, which was soaked through, and laid it on top of his jacket. The two would have to go to the drycleaners, but he wasn't thinking about that. For Ryan, the future was so uncertain, that even his OCD was lost in confusion.
"I'm so sorry," he choked out. "You would have done better than me."
The wind howled, the rain beat down even harder, and he had to sit down completely. The mud soaked his pants. His hands were filthy, the rain refusing to wash away the mud. He could never wash his hands, couldn't rid himself of what he'd done.
"I… I didn't really know that they were going to kill him… part of me did. But I guess… I guess I told myself that we could get them before they hurt anyone. That my part… wouldn't matter in the end."
He traced his finger along the Speedle on the grave. The same name that was still visible on his locker.
"And when they said they were targeting Horatio… I had already done it. I couldn't do anything but wait."
He had always felt connected to Speed, as if everything he did was held up to Speed. His locker reminded him constantly that he would never have the same place within the team that Speed had. Though he never knew him, he felt as if he'd never known anyone else better.
"If I told him, he'd know about my part in it."
He still felt the connection, constantly.
"I'm sorry."
Was it identity that drove him here?
"I really shouldn't be here."
His search for answers led him here. As if Speed would know, as if he could offer him the comfort, the reassurance he needed constantly in his life.
Ryan tried so hard to make an impression, to show everyone that he deserved his job, that he had a place within the team. No matter what he did, he always found a way to screw up. He remembered the gambling, the counterfeit money, forgetting to call backup and almost losing his life, when he'd been fired, and now this. He wondered if anyone else felt the way he did, if Speed had ever felt this way, if she ever felt this way. If she even cared about him, if she wondered where she was.
"You too."
Ryan spun around, and found her standing there. Calleigh Duquesne. She held flowers in her hand, and her eyes were red. Her hair was soaked, and everything stuck to her like glue. Ryan stood up slowly, his feet sinking in the mud.
"They found him," she said, looking up into Ryan's eyes. He couldn't count how many times he'd looked into her eyes and wished that they'd be alone like this. Now, he only wanted her to leave. He wanted to spare her from this, from seeing him like this, from knowing. She was too good for this.
"They've arrested Saris and a few of his men. He told police everything," she cried. She moved closer and stuck her face in his chest. She struggled to speak without allowing her sobs to drown out her voice.
"So you know," he said.
"He didn't say anything about you," she managed. "And no one else knows anything."
"But you?" he asked, looking into her eyes.
"Yeah, I know."
He nodded, and ground his teeth. "Do you want my statement? My confession? My arrest?" He couldn't imagine him speaking to her like this three years ago, or a month ago, or last week, or a few hours ago. "Do you want to know why?"
"I don't care why!" she screamed. He'd never seen Calleigh so angry before. The pain in his eyes was hard to identify. It was new for him, and he hated it. He knew it was because of him, too.
"I don't know what I want. I think…"
She sobbed, and looked at the ground. He took her head in his hands and tilted it up, so she was looking into his eyes.
"I want you to stop being such an idiot."
He nodded, and hung his head.
"You really are an idiot, Ryan. I can't believe this, y'know. After everything that's happened."
"I know," he choked out.
"But…I really just want things to go back to the way they were."
He turned around and looked down at Speed's grave. Water tricked down the sides. Calleigh took his hand and stood beside him. They were both silent for a while.
He thought back to the first time he'd seen her, at the seminar she held years ago. He remembered being struck by her, by her beauty, her eloquence, and the way she smiled at him when he raised his hand and nervously choked out a question. Back then; he was just a college student. He was pure, innocent, and eager to begin his life. His life revolved around parties, his final exams coming up, and catching the eye of a cute girl who sat across from him in chemistry. Was there any way to foresee this? That he'd be standing next to Calleigh Duquesne, holding her hand, and reflecting on his involvement in a murder?
"Me too," he said.
That was all he wanted. To be there again, to be innocent again. To know that she could love someone like him because he wasn't like the rest of the men out there, because he was intelligent and sweet and genuine.
He didn't know what he was now.
"I don't know who I am anymore," he said. "I just…"
Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks, and she turned to face him once again.
"I'm so sorry, Calleigh."
Before he knew what was happening, she had stood on tiptoe, took his head in her hands, and then her lips were on his. She was kissing him. He kissed her back. Their mouths opened and their tongues wove together. For a few moments, nothing mattered except for them, that they remember to breathe, that the kiss never end, that they were together, even if for only a minute. They broke apart and caught their breath, staring into each other's eyes. His head still rested in her hands, and he wrapped his arms around her neck.
"Ryan, no matter what happens…if anyone finds out, if you're arrested, if Horatio makes it or not…"
She held back her tears. "God, you make this so hard…"
He planted a small kiss on her forehead. To think that something so wonderful could stem from something so tragic, and horrible, something that should have ruined him… it made him believe in love. It made him love, too. It fueled his love for her.
"Ryan, I will always love you. Nothing you do will ever change that."
He pulled her into him, and she rested her head on his shoulder. The rain beat down around them, the wind blew, and thunder roared somewhere off in the distance. In a nearby hospital, doctors marveled at survival. Ryan's eyes wandered to the grave, and he mouthed a silent 'thank you.' The world would piece itself back together, and eventually, lift itself off Ryan's shoulders. Somehow, one day, this would end. Neither of them knew how, or what the future would hold, but for right now, they were together, and nothing else mattered.
"I love you too."