AUTHORS' NOTE: This is a Fairy Tail rendition of Chicago's 'The Cell Block Tango' We do not own anything from Fairy Tail or from Chicago. WARNING: this story does contain mild cursing and mild suggestive themes. Also, my sister and I wrote this together, so don't worry if you see this posted on another account. NOTE: this story requires only a 1st season knowledge of Mystogan, we are disregarding the later revealed information about him. Hope you like it!
It Takes Two to Tango
"I'm so sorry I'm late!" Lucy panted, wiping her dripping bangs from her forehead.
"Oh, don't worry about it, you're sopping wet, here, let me get you a blanket!" Mira fussed, wrapping Lucy and handing her a steaming mug of hot chocolate.
"Geez, where were you? We can't very well start our girl-bonding slumber party when our resident ditzy blonde is lost goodness knows where in the pouring rain." Cana said, grouchily looking into her mug of hot chocolate, which was very clearly not her drink of choice.
"Well I was on my way here but I had to take a detour to help Alzack get home. He was limping really badly,"
"And you helped him?!" Bisca interrupted, "I was trying to teach him a lesson!"
"Wait, what!?"
"What did you do!?"
"Calm down everyone," Mira placated, "Bisca, why don't you start at the beginning?"
"Fine." Bisca drawled, settling down into her cocoon of blankets, "You know how some people have these little habits that could juts drive you to drink?"
"Yes." Cana deadpanned.
"Well Alzack likes to smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are bad for you – they give you lung cancer, and mouth cancer and throat cancer and bronchitis and laryngitis and – anyways, they're bad for him. And he is always telling me that he is going to quit and that this is "the last one" and that he has turned a corner. But this is not my first rodeo. So this morning I met him at the guild hall and I had just come back from the most awful solo job and all I wanted to do was report my success, go home, and fall into the bathtub. When I see Alzack smoking a GOD. DAMNED. MOTHER. FUCKING. CIGARETTE. And I've told him how bad they are for him, but you know guys, sometimes they need a visual to really drive the message home." She sighed, "So I shot him."
"You what!?"
"You can't be serious!"
"Pop goes the weasel." Bisca said, smirking.
"Um, Bisca, don't you think being shot is a little more hazardous to his health than smoking?" Mira asked sweetly,
"Yes. But not nearly as hazardous as pissing me off. Okay, fine, maybe it was a slight overreaction. But really, sometimes men can be just so…"
"Actually, I completely understand that." Mira said.
"Oh come on," Erza rolled her eyes, "no man in the guild would dare annoy our sweet Mira."
"Not to mention you hold the keys to the liquor cabinet." Cana added dryly.
"Well, he was relatively new to the guild at the time, I suppose he just didn't know any better."
"Who?" asked Lucy.
"Why Loke. I bet you wouldn't have guessed that we dated at one point."
"LOKE!? But he is the guild's playboy!" Lucy protested. Mira chuckled,
"Like I said, he was relatively new to the guild. He didn't recognize me from my spreads in Sorcerer's Weekly. And I thought to myself, 'what do you mean you don't recognize me from Sorcerer's Weekly? You would practically have to be from a different world not to!' but he didn't. I must say, I thought it was sweet, to meet someone who didn't come in with all those preconceived notions about the bikinis and… horseback riding… So anyways we kinda started going out. Whenever he came in to the guildhall he would throw me that dazzling smile from across the room and I would smile and blush and make him a drink. I would usually hang around to clean up at the end of the day once everyone else had left and he would…stay and… keep me company…"
"Riiiiiiight." Cana smirked. Mira's blush deepened,
"Yes, well we'd been going out for a couple of weeks and I really thought we had something. And then I found out: he wasn't exactly single. He had SIX girlfriends." There was a collective gasp.
"Oh he didn't!" Bisca exclaimed.
"Oh, he did. So the next time he came in I smiled, and he smiled, and I fixed him his drink as usual. You know some guys just can't hold their laxatives. Actually, he couldn't hold much of…anything." Mira concluded with a vindictive little smile.
"Oh. My. Celestial. Spirits." Lucy was covering her mouth with her hands. Cana was grinning. Juvia was laughing nervously. Bisca whistled,
"Wow Mira, I didn't know you had it in you!"
"Well, he only had himself to blame." Mira said, her sweet self once more.
"You're right!" Cana said, "Seriously, guys are the worst!"
"I second that" Bisca cheered, "I bet you ever girl in this room has a story about some two-timing bastard trying to fit his ass into two saddles."
"Actually," Erza interrupted, "mine is a little different. He was trying to accuse me of cheating."
"You?!" Lucy cried, "Wait, which guy? Is it someone we know? Is he inside the guild?"
"No way!" Cana snorted, "Erza wouldn't date any of the idiots in our guild."
"Right." Erza said, yet everyone could see the flush spreading up under her collar, "but actually…"
"Seriously!?"
"Who!?"
"You have to tell us!"
"But I mean it was nothing, like…we weren't even really…I mean I just…"
"Spit it out, Erza."
"It was just Ljflhdf." Erza mumbled
"What was that?"
"Laherfg"
"Erza! Speak up or so help me God I will…"
"FINE! IT WAS LAXUS!"
…
…
…
"Someone go grab the smelling salts for Juvia…"
"Well I don't see why it is such a big deal." Erza said haughtily, blushing furiously, "it didn't last very long and it ended, with a… squish."
"Go back and start at the beginning, I can't believe you never told me about this!" Mira commanded. Erza sighed, one blush fading into the next,
"Laxus had that sort of…bad boy appeal – he had just made S-Class and well, he was so much cooler than the boys my age." She sighed, "But for all his arrogance, he certainly had a jealous streak. So one day we were hanging out on the second floor - and yes, I know that is against the rules – when he started accusing me of cheating on him. Needless to say, it was completely ridiculous and he kept going on and on and just wouldn't get out of my face, and then he fell of the second floor – three times – Squish." She mouthed, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
"Go Erza!" Juvia cheered, "You really showed him!"
"But jeez, if you started with Laxus no wonder you swore off guild-guys forever!" Cana snickered.
"Right." Erza said, "except for… you know I just remembered something really important that I have to go d-"
"Sit. Down." Mira commanded, Erza sank back down into her seat, every eye trained on her. "Who. Was. It?"
"Gradhaskl"
"What was that?"
"Gratakdhb"
"Erza! If you don't tell us this vey instant-"
"GRAY! IT WAS GRAY!" Lucy and Mira jumped on a furiously screeching Juvia. Bisca's jaw hit the floor. Cana started laughing uncontrollably. "But I mean, we weren't dating! We never went anywhere…I mean…it was juts about the…"
"Oh we got it!" Bisca choked. Cana continued laughing hysterically. Lucy and Mira fell to the floor as the enraged Juvia evaporated into a particularly angry cloud and proceeded to cause an indoor typhoon. It took a good ten minutes to dry out the furniture, get all of the laughter out of their systems, and sedate Juvia.
"So what about you, Lucy?" Mira prompted, hoping to get the conversation back on track and as far away from Gray is possible.
"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint but I don't think I can play this game," Lucy said nervously.
"Why not?" Mira pouted,
"Well you see, I've-"
"Wait! Have you never had a boyfriend?!" Juvia said with a shocked look on her face.
"uh-uh." Lucy sighed, staring at the floor.
"But your boobs!" Erza said, "They're like… epic!"
"Erza!" Mira exclaimed.
"But I'm not wrong!" Erza defended, "So you have seriously never had a boyfriend? Like ever? Not even like a sweetheart?"
"Uh-uh" Lucy replied, looking more and more dejected.
"Wait, wait, wait, just to be perfectly clear, you are not sleeping with Natsu?"
"What!? NO! I mean, like…ewwwww!"
"Dammit, I had thirty bucks ridding on that!" Bisca pouted.
"Seriously!?" Lucy shrieked, her voice squeaking up to decibels that should not have been possible for a human being.
"Are you saying you have never thought about it?" Cana said skeptically,
"We are just partners! And besides, Happy is always around, when would we even…"
"So you have thought about it, then."
"If it is any consolation, I am sure Natsu has thought about it, you know, with the boobs and all." Bisca comforted.
"No, I'm sure not. I mean… you think so?" Lucy said, looking around the room.
"Awwwwww, we have a budding little romance!"
"Come on, leave her alone, Cana, we know you've slept with half the guild, but have you ever had an actual boyfriend? You know, like the kind that lasts for more than one night?" Mira asked, raising a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at the alcoholic.
"Boyfriend!" Cana snorted, "I've had a husband!"
Aaaand Mira made another run for the smelling salts.
Once everyone was conscious again Erza spluttered out something that somewhat resembled a demand for an explanation so Cana leaned back with a self satisfied little smirk and said,
"What can I say? I was one of those young, romantic, sober teenagers who thought I new the answer to everything. Well he and I had been friends since we were little kids, but he was shy and quiet. Then puberty rolled around and suddenly he was very attractive and I was very attractive and well… At 18 I found out he was a great kisser, at 19 I found out he was fantastic in bed and by 20 I was married. Thank God I could drink by 21. I probably invented twenty new cocktails that summer: the Manhattan, the Cosmopolitan, and of course, the good old faithful Cicero. I mean seriously, that thing will have you under the table before noon-"
"Wait a second," Erza eyed Cana suspiciously, "If you were friends as kids… he isn't someone we know, is he!?"
"Well I am not sure any of you really 'know' him, but you all know of him; After all, despite his shyness he leaves quite an impression by putting everyone to sleep every time he comes in for a job. I mean really, that seems like a pretty drastic measure just to avoid having to talk to your Ex."
"Mystogan is your ex-husband! Oh my God. I can't believe it." Lucy said faintly, fanning herself.
"Deep breaths, Lucy," Mira coached, "In through the nose and out through the mouth. We are going to get through this."
"Jeez, will everyone relax? I learned a very valuable lesson from Mystogan: just because you sleep with someone one time does not mean you have to marry them, or date them, or even talk to them ever again!"
"I think there might be a slight flaw in your logic." Juvia suggested.
"Seriously? You are one to talk, Juvia. You are like the least rational person here when it comes to relationships. I mean, have you seen yourself around Gray!? But I suppose we don't even have to ask if you have a story, of course Mr. Perfect, Gray, could never do anything wrong!"
"Actually," Juvia sniffed, "Gray and I have had a bit of a falling out."
"Now that's a story I'd like to hear." Bisca chimed in. Erza and Mira nodded. Cana scoffed,
"Do tell…" she prompted,
"Well, alright, a few weeks ago I built up the courage to declare my undying love to Gray and ask him what his feelings towards me were." Juvia sighed, "Well he was quite the gentleman. He said that I was a wonderful girl but that he had a rule not to date within the guild. This really broke my heart for you see I had only joined this guild in particular because Gray was here so I would be able to spend more time with him! But a rule is a rule, and it was honorable for him have such self-control and to not want to confuse business and pleasure. I thought it was so good of him, in fact, that when I was speaking to… oh what's her name? Ummm, you now who I am talking about, something Lipshitz."
"Katara"
"Oh right. Her. Well I was bragging about how wonderful Gray was to do what he did when suddenly she tells me that not only has he dated within the guild but he had three," Juvia shot daggers at Erza, "Four, ex-lovers whom he worked with: Levy, Cana, Erza, and…Natsu."
…
…
…
"Actually, that makes perfect sense." Erza said thoughtfully.
…
"But you know, it doesn't really matter who he sleeps with now. He may never have children after what I did to him."
"Daaaamn. For once I'm with you, Juvia," Cana said, "Guys are such dicks. If he doesn't' want to go out with you that's fine, but he didn't have to lie about it."
"Why do guys do that!?"
"Seriously."
"And it isn't even one or two guys, but like, all of them!"
"Yeah!"
"Down with testosterone!"
"Who needs them anyways!?"
"We would be so much better off without any of them!"
Suddenly the door opened and Elfman strode in,
"Hey ladies! Guess who made brownies for your little slumber party like a real man?"
"WE DON'T NEED ANY MEN HERE!" six voices screamed in unison
Mira was pretty sure she had never seen her brother run so fast.
"That might have been a little extreme." Mira said, "I mean, Elfman hasn't actually done anything to us personally."
"Maybe," Cana shrugged, "but he's a man. He had it coming."