It happened every day on the way home from practice.
The train was silent and warm, its rocking rhythmic. Nagisa finished his strawberry or chocolate or banana milk despite Rei's protests about the sugar content, and then his big eyes would flicker shut, and then his head would loll onto Rei's shoulder. It would stay there until they arrived at their station and Rei always let it. Nagisa was warm against his side. If Rei was worried about an upcoming test or a difficult assignment or his butterfly form, that boy napping against him put a halt to all his racing thoughts, slowed his breath.
Most boys their age, he knew, would be gruff about it. Would shrug their shoulders hard to bounce their friend off, call them an idiot, say they weren't a human pillow. Sometimes Rei was tempted to do it. He never could. When the train slowed into their station, he could only look down at Nagisa, the long, light eyelashes over his cheeks, and gently roll his shoulder back and whisper his name into his hair. Nagisa always woke with a smile.
But he should, Rei knew as they stepped onto the platform, put a stop to it. The gesture had certain implications. Rei was never one for public displays of affection, and something so affectionate from a mere friend seemed too egregious, too scandalous. People sometimes took note of it.It's not what you think, he always wanted to tell them. No matter what it looks like, no matter how cute he is, no matter how earnest and sweet and surprisingly intelligent, no matter how hardworking and cheerful, no matter how friendly, we couldn't be together.
Love is illogical, and I'm too cold for someone as bright as he is.
Rei did not like red herrings and was not even particularly one for tatemae. He demanded truth. So he should be up-front with Nagisa. Tell him to treat him like any other guy friend, since that's what he was to the smaller boy.
"You okay, Rei-chan?" Nagisa asked. For someone so loud, he was also awfully perceptive. He rubbed one still-sleepy eye and smiled up at him in a way that made Rei want to sprint a hundred meters again. But he didn't mumble a reply until they were walking down the stairs.
"You might want to be careful about that."
"About what?"
"Sleeping on my shoulder."
Nagisa practically pounced in front of him, locking their eyes, and Rei almost tripped into him. "Does it bother you? I can stop if it bothers you, easy. I just didn't think it did."
"It doesn't. But…"
Why were Nagisa's eyes so expressive. The pain was immediate and made Rei's throat tighten. How did something so intangible cause such a physical reaction?
"But?"
"I mean, we are in a social place. Giving off social cues that people are free to interpret. We might give people the wrong idea."
"The...wrong idea?"
Nagisa blinked hard. Rei felt himself blush. He'd wrongly calculated, overinterpreted. Nagisa was always affectionate with everyone, and Rei was an idiot, betraying his own feelings with such an opaque move. He should have kept quiet. Should have drafted more scenarios of this conversation, since it had gone so unexpectedly awry. Now Nagisa would think he was thinking about being more than friends, and even if that was a fact, it wasn't one Rei was ready to reveal. He opened his mouth, unsure of how he was going to rectify whatever damage he did, but Nagisa spoke again: same words, new question.
"It's the wrong idea?"
What?
Was it? The trembling and ache in Rei's chest sank into his stomach as they reached the bottom of the stairs and stopped there. The crowd surged around them like a wave breaking upon a rock.. His face felt flushed and his heartbeat was out of control and Nagisa's eyes were welling up with tears.
"Rei, you need to tell me!"
I never said you could call me that, he should have said. Just his name, so naked and with such ease. But he liked it. This was all going the opposite direction of what he'd expected. What he'd dreaded.
But he couldn't say anything. It wasn't possible. Love was illogical. But now Nagisa's tears were spilling down his cheeks, even as he kept steely eye contact, and Rei wanted nothing more than to gather him up and make it stop however he could. His mouth moved before he could even formulate a well-thought response:
"It's not the wrong idea."
The white noise of the train station was now a roaring in his ears: footsteps, voices, bird chirps, chimes, the beeping of the turnstiles.
"It's not?"
"Not if we have the same idea."
"Do we?"
"I believe so." His hand pushed his glasses up like it was a nervous tick. "I mean, I've had an idea. For approximately sixteen weeks. I just thought...perhaps you...didn't quite share, in the same vein-"
"Rei-chan!" Nagisa practically bawled, throwing his arms around his waist. He cried into his chest, right there in the station, as people continued skirting around them. "Rei-chan, I'm so glad!"
Rei wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, enjoying the smell of his light hair. The action pushed his glasses askew again but he was in no position to fix them. People were staring, now. People were definitely drawing conclusions. People were definitely getting ideas. But Rei didn't pull away, and he didn't let Nagisa either. He didn't care what people were thinking. All he knew was why they were watching. It was the reason he didn't let go:
Because like this, he and Nagisa were beautiful.