The Dangers of Drinking: Or Father Abel's Worst Nightmare

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or any of its characters. This is non-profit only.

Authors Note: This is my first Trinity Blood Story so I'm very excited.

Father Abel Nightroad was among friends, or so he thought. By nature, Abel was a peaceful man. However his job, the slaying or arresting of troublesome vampires (usually slaying), left him very stressed. So every weekend, he visited with his friends to try and relax.

The place in question was owned by a powerful Nosferatu named Alucard, trump card of the Hellsing Organization. It was a slightly run down cabin located in a remote part of the woods. The only way to reach the cabin was by a winding dirt road of questionable safety.

The remoteness of the cabin was ideal because it allowed Abel and his friends to party as loud as they liked with nobody to tell them otherwise. It was especially convenient as Alucard was quite the party animal. His philosophy was that it wasn't a party until something was blown up or somebody got shot.

The roster of friends that came to these weekend parties varied from week to week. Alucard was the most common sight at the parties, with a vampire named Emmet Cullen as the second most common guest. Emmet was a large muscular fellow that was simply the nicest guy you could ever hope to meet. The games that he brought with him were always fun and pleasurable alternatives to the all out savagery that Alucard considered to be fun.

In the background, an amusing song called Particle Man played.

Particle Man, Particle Man

Doing the things a particle can

What's he like?

It's not important

Particle Man

Alucard stood in all his seven foot tall glory while Abel and Emmet each took a seat on one of the two comfortable sofas.

Hair billowing dramatically and red trench coat following suit, he asked his friends, "Okay gang, it's just us tonight. Alexander Anderson couldn't make it and Spike had to do some babysitting. To compensate, I brought all manner of intoxicating beverages." Alucard pointed a white gloved hand at Emmet, "What'll you have, Emmet?"

Emmet thought about it for a moment, huge muscles tensing in deep though, "I think I'll have a vodka martini, hold the olive and go heavy on the deer blood."

Alucard nodded, "Very good, what about you Abel? I bet that you're a margarita man."

Abel approved of Alucard' guess, "Sure, I'll have a margarita. No salt please, it makes me bloat up."

Alucard reached into the refrigerator that he kept well stocked, with blood, with booze, with chips and other snacks. While he was gathering everything he needed for the drinks, Abel started to speak.

"You know Alucard, I think it's nice that you always bring these refreshments to the weekend parties, but I think that maybe we should tone down the drinking."

Alucard looked up in shock and Emmet boomed, "What, drinking is half the fun!"

Abel defended his position, "I know, but when we first started doing this, we never drank. And then three months ago, Alucard starts bringing more and more alcohol. Last week he brought out the opium pipes and now I can't remember last weekend's party at all. I want to remember all the good times."

Alucard began to mix Emmet's martini, "What's the matter Abe, afraid that you'll find yourself on the wrong end of a three way again?"

Abel was shocked for a moment and then began to laugh, "Three way? Ha, that's a good one Alucard. For a moment you had me going. 'Let's all play a prank on the priest'. Good one guys, ha-ha, whoa."

Alucard's face formed into an evil grin, but other than Abel, nobody laughed. Abel stopped laughing and smiling, the room grew deadly silent except for the music.

Universe Man, Universe Man

Size of the entire Universe Man

Usually kind to Smaller Man

Universe Man

Abel looked back and forth, from Emmet to Alucard and back again. Alucard's eyes flashed red and his smirk grew wider. Emmet tried to avoid Abel's gaze like the plague, he mumbled quietly, "Shouldn't have said that, man."

The Vatican priest looked at his supposed friends. His pulse skyrocketed, his body temperature climbed and he began to sweat bullets. He spoke, but his voice was weak, like he was ill, "Come on guys; tell me this is a joke. It's not funny anymore." He almost pleaded, "Please tell me that you're joking. Just trying to pull one over old Father Nightroad."

Alucard said wryly, "Do I look like I'm joking?"

Abel's jaw hit the floor and his eyes grew as wide as saucers. "It . . . it really happened? Y-you did . . . that . . . oh my God." Abel started to breath heavily with stress, "I thought those stains on my coat were . . . oh my God! And the stains on my underwear, those were also . . . OH GOD!"

Emmet's voice was low, there really wasn't any way to sugarcoat this for Abel's sake, "Um, we did more than just have a three way, Abel. After our three way, you kind of, sort of, in a way, um . . ."

Abel was in hysterics, "What happened to me?!"

"You, well . . . you sucked on Dietrich Von Lohengrin's smoked meat log."

"OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emmet turned his gaze to the floor, "It gets worse."

Alucard chuckled at Abel's bad luck with alcohol and opium, "You inadvertently married Paladin Anderson. So according to the law, you're Father Abel Anderson as of last week."

Abel's voice came out as barely a squeak, "Oh my God, what has happened to me?"

Emmet spoke, "Uh, Anderson is pretty forceful. When he's around, don't sleep on your front, don't lie butt out on the couch, keep your back to the wall and well, just guard your ass, okay?"

Abel was torn, half of him wanted to unleash his inner Crusnik and show his so called friends the world of pain that they'd let themselves into. The other half of him wanted to run crying to the nearest church and clean himself off with a steel wool and some holy water.

Abel opted for the latter. He leapt screaming of the couch and crashed through the door without opening it. In seconds there was no trace of him.

Emmet looked to Alucard, "That was just cruel, man."

Alucard handed Emmet his margarita, "Why? We didn't spit roast him. It was Gyula and your brother Edward who probed all of his orifices."

"You shouldn't have told him, you've probably screwed him up big time."

Alucard dismissed Emmet's claim, "It's nothing, he'll be over it by morning. Besides, if you want to talk about cruelty you're the one who posted a video of him getting sodomized all over the internet."

"Hey, I was drunk! I didn't know what I was doing."

Alucard started to drink from a bottle of scotch, "Join the club, we've got jackets." He paused before he said, "I'm going to enjoy watching Anderson try and break in his new bride." He chuckled darkly but Emmet did not join in.

And that was how Abel Nightroad learned the hard way that it's bad to drink irresponsibly. I hope you've learned something and had a few laughs along the way. This is a crossover between Trinity Blood, Hellsing and Twilight. For those of you unfamiliar with Hellsing, Alexander Anderson is seven feet tall and longer than most men.

Peace, love and happiness.