A Knight In Hell's Eyes Rated: PG-13 Genre: Angst/Tragedy
Summary: Post Final Fantasy VIII. Seifer has had enough. Warning: Character suicide (One-Shot)
I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or the song Behind Blue Eyes. That is owned by The Who. I wrote this story about six years ago, so it's definitely not up to its best. Please be gentle on me. I tried to rewrite it, but I'm not sure if it's any better. Oh well.
\/\/\/
No one ever said life was fair.
That's the one thing I keep forgetting. Because life isn't fair. Life is full of mysteries, tosses and turns, corners, and even a few bumps from time to time.
Life isn't a fairytale. Life doesn't have that "special someone" like in the movies. Life can either be your best friend, or your worst nightmare.
But what would I know?
Lately, life hasn't been granting me all of its great glories. Life hasn't been giving, only taking. I've lived eighteen years and never saw the rising sun. Never saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Never saw the difference between the good and the bad.
A fool—that's what I've always been. They were right all along, but I'll never admit that. A man's pride is his only sense of actually being human. You have to know the difference between when you're wrong and when you're not.
Okay, so I've made a few mistakes here and there. Big deal. Can you blame a guy for trying to achieve his dreams? I worked for all the things I got, no matter what it took. No matter what I risked. I actually strive for things above my reach and try to get something out of it.
Well, maybe not. Like at the end of any story, the guy gets the girl, the magnificent life, and the fame and fortune. The guy's a real hero.
The only thing I got was a bruised ego.
Yeah, I am a fool. I went from one sorceress to the next, each with empty promises. I guess I wanted just a little too much. I never was a very open-minded person. It serves me right, I suppose. Everyone else but me saw that the idea of destroying the world was a bad one.
And then there's him. That thieving little punk who stole the life I deserved. I mean, hey, I'm hip, I'm cool. Why wouldn't you want to hang out with a guy like me? I made up the disciplinary committee. Without me, where would that Garden have gone? Even the rest of my posse, Fujin and Raijin, agreed. Those guys would've gone to the ends of the earth with me.
…Well…maybe not that far.
They said it themselves that we were through. That's it. No more Seifer's Posse. Great. Back to square one. But when they sided with that…..that thing…that was the final straw.
Seifer, we want the old you back.
Psh…Give me a break. Yeah, Fujin, Raijin, we had fun. But no more games. If I have to do everything myself, then I will.
It was fun back then.
But that was a long time ago.
I'm tired of playing this stupid role. Nothing's going to change anyway. Squall…he has Rinoa, he's the heir to the Esthar Estate, he has all the friends that he could ever ask for, and, heck, he even has Headmaster Cid and the rest of Garden bowing down to him.
What do I have?
Oh yeah, a bruised ego.
So, still playing the lap dog, Seifer?
No, the knight…has retired.
I don't think I can forgive the family that deserted me in that orphanage with Chicken Wuss and all of those other morons. Since then, I've learned to never trust anyone. Trust is a waste of time and energy. It's not like I ever found a family after that. I ended up here in Garden. I came here and had Fujin and Raijin. But I never really had their commitment. Who gives up at the last minute before the final battle? It's unheard of! Well…I guess it's unheard of. It's not like I won anyway…
That's when I was fired from being a knight. After everything, I guess I just wasn't a very good knight.
I'm tired now. A tired…old knight.
To be "Number One." What I wouldn't have given to have claimed that title. But not anymore. There aren't any adventures left in this world, unless you count Zell's new hot dog stand as one; not that I think anything about his cooking, mind you.
Nah, no one even remembers the man after his dreams. The passionate, brave, daring romancer who kissed the hand of every sorceress that promised him a dream. Okay, so I almost killed Rinoa in the name of my dream, but it's not like I haven't said "sorry" until I'm blue in the face.
So, do you have a dream? I do.
Or at least…
…I did…
So where do I stand now?
Looking up at the ceiling, I shift my position on the couch inside my dorm.
All right, and…
Guess I can't say that I didn't convince old man Cid to let me come crawling back into his good graces again with my tail between my legs. But that was only because Squall had said that he didn't want me standing outside the entrance of garden for the rest of my life.
How kind of him.
It was just a stupid sympathy act, that's all.
Squall felt "sorry" for me and so he told Cid to give into my pathetic pleas. Squall thinks that he can do everything just because he's teacher's pet. Just because he saved the world from certain death, he's the hero.
I'm still just the captain of the Disciplinary Committee—or, I used to be. People don't see me as that anymore.
But that's not the point.
So what is?
Why doesn't anyone notice me? Why can't they see that I'm not really this way? What…
What can make them understand?
Nothing.
Why can't they really see me?
Because I'm Seifer Almasy, that's why.
…Stone…
…Cold…
…Dark…
Seifer doesn't cry, doesn't smile, and doesn't laugh. Seifer is just some hard headed, over-egotistical, bonehead that just entertains everyone. Just what? Just a pushover.
He doesn't care about the consequences. He sided with Sorceresses who promised him the world, and then just threw a bone here and there to get him off their backs.
Give me a break. I know my role in this world. It's not like there's a fan club with "Seifer's # 1!" as the title. And you know something else? It's boring. Sure, if I wanted to, I could take the SeeD Exam again, but why bother wasting my time? I'll just become another member of SeeD, not Squall Leonhart.
I'm nothing but a label of "problematic."
And I can't stand having anyone better than me. Just for once, I want the glory faced in my direction. I'm tired of having to be on the backburner because people are "too busy" to listen to me. That's what my parents did, and look where I am now.
No one bothers to understand me. They see Seifer Almasy and no one else. And that's all right with me. What else is new? I've seen this side of myself for so long that I've even named it after me and now what used to be me…
…the side of me that could actually cry…
…can't cry anymore…
I drop my head into my hands and shut my eyes tight, trying to blot out the world. Trying to blot out the laughter and the conversations that go on among students who pass my dorm.
"Squall this," and "Squall that"…Don't they ever get tired of talking about him over and over again?
"You are the dark angel," Ultimecia had once said to me. Maybe that was something I wanted her to say. I was a pawn for her. Just like Adel, Edea—every one of them.
I was more surprised than anybody when I saw that even Rinoa had chosen Squall over me. Now I am just a forgotten memory of the past to her. There's no atonement for any of my sins. I don't even want to try to start over.
I remember that Squall had tried to talk to me once. I guess I wanted to talk to him, too. But I just couldn't let old feelings subside, so I pushed him out of my way and stormed off.
Seifer will never be different. Seifer will never change.
Do you know how many times I hear people say that?
I do wish that I could change, but change is inevitable. That deep, dark hatred I have for this world won't let me amend my ways.
It's just that I want to be praised once in a while. But maybe while I try for the harder things, I miss what's really important.
Did Squall see something that I couldn't? No, that's stupid.
But…
…Even in the back of my mind, I can still hear the Sorceress's words…
…and they still send chills up the back of my spine.
Why? Why won't they go away!
Haven't they ruined my life enough already? What more could they expect to pick from me now?
All right! I'll admit it! I'll admit to everything! Just please…!
…Please leave me alone…
Don't leave me alone. Not here…
I look down at my black leather gloves. They're soaked in tear stains. Tears…how long has it been since I actually cried? Does that…does that mean…?
I am finally free.
Yeah. I am. I'm finally free.
Standing on my own two feet again. Right?
I walk to the window in my dorm and the sun greets my face. Gazing out on the horizon, I see the ocean stretch for miles, like something that would never end.
Would that be me, too, one day?
What would the world be like…
…without me?
Wiping the side of my cheek, I reach down into my bottom drawer and pull out the polished revolver inside of it. Inexperienced as I was with such weapons, they were required to be in every student's dorm. I'm a swordsman, not a gunman.
Maybe I'll let Squall have his glory for once.
I'll just sit back and watch for now.
I turn the doorknob and step into the bathroom.
Yes, the knight has retired for now…
Fujin…Raijin…It was fun…
…for a while…
But all good things must end some time.
My time ends now.
I lock the door behind me and stare at my face in the mirror.
"Seifer," I say to myself. "You never fail to impress me. Now, how far will you go?"
I stop and listen to a familiar tune on the radio coming through the wall from the dorm next to mine. I don't think I'll ever forget that song.
No one knows what it's like to be the bad man…
To be the sad man…
Behind blue eyes…
How far will you go? If you can't do it for yourself, remember your dream.
A romancer searching for his dream. You are the knight, are you not?
Now you're free of memories that can't be erased.
No one knows what it's like to be hated…
To be fated…
To telling only lies…
Placing the revolver to my temple, I smile and watch as the reflection in the mirror smiles back at me.
"Remember what they'll put on your tombstone, Seifer," I say, tightening my index finger around the trigger of the gun. "Here lies Seifer Almasy, a man who continues to search for his dream even in death. A knight…"
No, there had to be more of a title than that.
"A knight…in hell's eyes…" I whisper and nod my head as though I were agreeing to the face in the mirror.
But my dreams aren't as empty…
As my conscience seems to be…
I have hours, only lonely…
My love is vengeance…
That's never free…
Consider this…as a challenge…
I pull the trigger, and the gun falls from my hand. The music that I heard before seems to get louder and louder. Blood, my blood, runs down the side of my face.
Blood stains the mirror and walls. I can't even see my reflection now.
Dark blood…My own.
Am I really dead?
No one knows what it's like to feel these feelings…
Like I do…
And I blame you…
Be strong, Seifer. Embrace it. Regrets are for the weak. Know the path that you've walked, and walk it with your head held high. Show Squall and the others that you're a man.
Standing tall, standing proud…
I think that there was a smile on my face, even as I closed my eyes for the very last time.
No one bites back as hard on their anger…
None of my pain and woe…
Can show through…
Of course there would be. The knight still stands now and forever.
No one can tear me down.
Yes…that's what I am…
A knight in hell's eyes.
\/\/\/
I hate this story.