"Santa Monica"
Season One
Spring 1984
Episode One
"The First Episode"
Airs: April 19, 1984
Scene: The Angelino Residence:
[Frank answers the phone/It is Mr. Furley]
Ralph: Hello darling.
Frank: WHO IS THIS????!!!!!!!!!
Ralph: Umm......WHO IS THIS????!!!!!!!!!
Frank: That's what I asked you!!!!!
Ralph: Sorry. The person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this moment. If you would deposit 75 cents into the telephone we will try every 15 minutes to see if your friend is available. Please deposit 75 cents, ma'am.
Frank: This is an OUTRAGE! [hangs up the phone]
Mildred: Who was it dear?
Frank: Some bozo who called me darling, then started acting like one of those recorded phone messages.
Mildred: They called you darling?!
Frank: Yes it was some fella who called me darling!
Mildred: I'll be right back. I gotta get my.....sewing equipment. As a matter of fact, I might stay up there and sew.
[Mildred runs up the stairs to her bedroom, gets sewing machine, puts it on, and dials number on the phone]
Mildred: Hello darling.
Jack: Darling?
Mildred: It's me, Mildred, honey.
Jack: MRS. ANGELINO!!
Mildred: Jack? Jack Tripper?
Jack: Yes this is he and I don't appreciate getting calls from my boss's maniac wife!!
Mildred: This is the wrong number. I was trying to call Frank. Buh-bye [Mr. Angelino comes in]. I'm sorry for the whole darling thing. I though you were Frank. He's at the restaurant.
Frank: I'm where?!
Mildred: Frank! You're home!
Frank: Give me that phone! [into phone] Look you perverted little beast! Don't you call my wife anymore!!!!! [hangs up] And you! How can you think that was me! I was just downstairs with you!
Mildred: Well...I thought you said you were going out. I assumed the restaurant was your destination. Maybe you should go out. You can go get some air. Why don't you go down to the Regal Beagle with one of your pals.
Frank: OK. You sure you're OK? I mean I don't want that maniac to call her again.
Mildred: I'll be fine.
Frank: OK. [leaves]
[The door downstiars is slammed close]
[Mildred starts to dial another number]
Mildred: Ralphie darling!
Ralph: Oh Mildred! I have something to tell you. When I just had that close call with Frank.......I realised something about me..........I think I love your husband.......
Mildred: WHAT???!!!!!!!
Ralph: Late April fools!!!!!
Mildred: Oh Ralph!!! Why don't you talk dirty to me......[starts to lay on the bed]
[Mildred's dress gets caught in the sewing machine and is ripped off of her]
Mildred: Ooooh.....your timing is great.....
Scene: The Regal Beagle:
[Mike and Felipe are talking]
Felipe: I was looking for ajob......maybe I can be your co- bartender........or maybe I can work in the kitchen........
Mike: Would you be up to it? With that fire we almost had......the kitchen's probably the most dangerous place in this whole joint. And I'm too fat for you to fit back here behind the bar......
Felipe: Maybe I can be a waitor.
Mike: The only waiting outfits we have are those dresses the girls wear.
Felipe: Well.......
[Cuts to Felipe walking out in one of the dresses]
Felipe: It's a start. Mike I need two FLAME-broiled hamburgers.
Mike: All right. That's coming right up.
Scene: Larry's Apartment:
[Janet, Jack, and Larry are sitting on the couch]
Larry: Oooh....[collapses]
Jack: This is nothing new.
Janet: But he isn't waking up.
Jack: The doctor just said for someone to sevre him hot water when he doesn't wake up. I'll go fix some.
Janet: I'LL fix some!
Jack: But I'm a professional chef.
Janet: But I can do it better.
Jack: We'll both do it, then!
[they are in the kitchen]
Jack: Get a bowl.
Janet: Don't you mean a cup?
Jack: I'll get a bowl, you get a cup. [they fill them up] Now stick your cup in the oven.
Janet: The oven?! I'll prefer the micorwave.
Jack: Whatever. I'm doing the oven.
Janet: I'll heat mine up in the microwave, and you'll hgeat yours up in the oven. Simple.
Larry [from other room]: MOMMY!!!!!!! The big choo choo train is fixing to come at me! Step on the gas woman! [in woman's voice] I can't little Larry! The pedal is stuck!!! [snaps out of it and comes into the kitchen] Are you guys making breakfast? Why does it smell like baked water in here?
Scene: The Regal Beagle:
[Felipe runs out of the kitchen with his wig and high heels falling off]
Felipe: I tolesa the patulasa!!!!!!!!!!
Mike: What did he say?
Chrissy: I have no clue. Something bad smelling is coming from the kitchen.
[Both run into kitchen]
[Doors shut tightly]
Chrissy: We-
Mike: Is-
Strange Woman: Trapped.
Mike: Who are you?!
Strange Woman: I'm Meredith Clark! You may know be as the host of the "Miss Hooker" contest in 1978 and I play Ava on TV's "The Ways of Our Days."
Chrissy: You're Troy from "The Ways of Our Days!!!!"
Guy: That's what I said. And we is trapped!
Chrissy: The ways of our days are in a haze......the haze of our ways through the days......the days of haze in many ways......the days and ways and haze of our days and hazes and ways are in the haze and ways and daze and haze and daze and wow......I love that song!!!!!
Meredith: Shut up, Blondie.
Chrissy: But you are a blonde!
Meredith: No! I'm a redhead! My character is a blonde! I'm a redhead! The world will never see me as a redhead because of Ava!!!!!! I'm gonna kill Ava! That's what I'll do! I'm gonna kill Ava, and I'm gonna kill the wig....and I'm gonna kill the woman who arranges my flowers. She makes them look like they are for a blonde. Her name is Janet Wood!
Chrissy: I'm gonna help you!
Meredith: Oh. I'll kill you too!
Mike: Women....
Scene: The Angelino Residence:
[Ralph comes in the front door with an overcoat]
[He takes off overcoat to reveal that he is wearing nothing but a toolbelt, an undershirt, a thong, and some see through parachute pants]
Mildred: Oh...Ralph!!!!!!! Your little tight pickle jars are so heavy!!!!!! The butter you brought is making my mouth moisty!!!!!!!! Your little fresh from the oven rolls you brought are sweet!! I want to show you something!
[Mildred runs in the kitchen and comes back]
Mildred: This is an apple. I think it's be a littl kinky if we do something to it.....
Ralph: What do you have in mine? I always thought mixing food with pleasure is a great idea......
Mildred: Oooh......this will be a pleasure.....but we can only do this in the kitchen where the things we need are.......let's go explore one of our best qualities......and you can leave that toolbelt......but put on the overcoat in case Frank comes back........
[cuts to kitchen]
Mildred: Making apple pie is fun isn't it?
[Ralph is taking a rack of apples out of the oven]
Ralph: That's for letting me borrow some of Frank's clothes. I hope he doesn't mind.
Mildred: Just don't get any stains on them. He'd notice a stain on his shirts if they were next door.
Ralph: After this apple pie, do you wanna make a chocolate mousse?
Mildred: Sure!
Scene: Apartment 201:
[Jack and Janet are in formal wear/They are having a candleit dinner]
Jack: To you, Janet. To you and your lovely self. I'm sorry about the water thing. I guess we were heating up.....[both of them laugh]......
Janet: Ahh.....Jack.....I've had my eye on you ever since your hair was changed from black to brown. Your brownish hair is more irresistable.
Jack: Janet, what is that dark shadow behind you?
Janet: What dark shadow?
[Terri turns on all the lights]
Terri: This dark shadow, baby!
[She runs up to Jack and passionatly kisses him]
Terri: Take that! That's the last peice of this you'll be getting! Now if you don't mind I have a new obsession! And that obsession is police officers! With their little tight pants!!!!! Jack you are gonna miss my love and you know it!
[A young police officer enters]
Police Officer: Umm Terri, the tight behind contest is starting.
Terri: And Jack! You are never gonna see this tail no more! [turns around and flashes Janet and Jack]
Jack: Eeeeeewwwwwwwww
Terri: Well......Luke, you moon them to so we can get our wrath!!!!!!! [they both flash Janet and Jack, who are both in the kitchen (Luke and Terri are pointed towards the kitchen door)
Jack (from kitchen): Yucky Terri! That's just low of you to do!
Janet (from kitchen): His doesn't look so bad. What am I saying????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack: What ARE you saying??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Terri: We are not gonna leave until Jack says he loves me!
Luke: What about me? I mean, I did bare my bottom for you.
Terri: I love it when you talk proper to me, Lukiepoo!
Janet: What are you gonna do Jack?
Jack: Terri! Luke! This is the last straw I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!!!!!! I'm gonna-
THE END
Season One
Spring 1984
Episode One
"The First Episode"
Airs: April 19, 1984
Scene: The Angelino Residence:
[Frank answers the phone/It is Mr. Furley]
Ralph: Hello darling.
Frank: WHO IS THIS????!!!!!!!!!
Ralph: Umm......WHO IS THIS????!!!!!!!!!
Frank: That's what I asked you!!!!!
Ralph: Sorry. The person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this moment. If you would deposit 75 cents into the telephone we will try every 15 minutes to see if your friend is available. Please deposit 75 cents, ma'am.
Frank: This is an OUTRAGE! [hangs up the phone]
Mildred: Who was it dear?
Frank: Some bozo who called me darling, then started acting like one of those recorded phone messages.
Mildred: They called you darling?!
Frank: Yes it was some fella who called me darling!
Mildred: I'll be right back. I gotta get my.....sewing equipment. As a matter of fact, I might stay up there and sew.
[Mildred runs up the stairs to her bedroom, gets sewing machine, puts it on, and dials number on the phone]
Mildred: Hello darling.
Jack: Darling?
Mildred: It's me, Mildred, honey.
Jack: MRS. ANGELINO!!
Mildred: Jack? Jack Tripper?
Jack: Yes this is he and I don't appreciate getting calls from my boss's maniac wife!!
Mildred: This is the wrong number. I was trying to call Frank. Buh-bye [Mr. Angelino comes in]. I'm sorry for the whole darling thing. I though you were Frank. He's at the restaurant.
Frank: I'm where?!
Mildred: Frank! You're home!
Frank: Give me that phone! [into phone] Look you perverted little beast! Don't you call my wife anymore!!!!! [hangs up] And you! How can you think that was me! I was just downstairs with you!
Mildred: Well...I thought you said you were going out. I assumed the restaurant was your destination. Maybe you should go out. You can go get some air. Why don't you go down to the Regal Beagle with one of your pals.
Frank: OK. You sure you're OK? I mean I don't want that maniac to call her again.
Mildred: I'll be fine.
Frank: OK. [leaves]
[The door downstiars is slammed close]
[Mildred starts to dial another number]
Mildred: Ralphie darling!
Ralph: Oh Mildred! I have something to tell you. When I just had that close call with Frank.......I realised something about me..........I think I love your husband.......
Mildred: WHAT???!!!!!!!
Ralph: Late April fools!!!!!
Mildred: Oh Ralph!!! Why don't you talk dirty to me......[starts to lay on the bed]
[Mildred's dress gets caught in the sewing machine and is ripped off of her]
Mildred: Ooooh.....your timing is great.....
Scene: The Regal Beagle:
[Mike and Felipe are talking]
Felipe: I was looking for ajob......maybe I can be your co- bartender........or maybe I can work in the kitchen........
Mike: Would you be up to it? With that fire we almost had......the kitchen's probably the most dangerous place in this whole joint. And I'm too fat for you to fit back here behind the bar......
Felipe: Maybe I can be a waitor.
Mike: The only waiting outfits we have are those dresses the girls wear.
Felipe: Well.......
[Cuts to Felipe walking out in one of the dresses]
Felipe: It's a start. Mike I need two FLAME-broiled hamburgers.
Mike: All right. That's coming right up.
Scene: Larry's Apartment:
[Janet, Jack, and Larry are sitting on the couch]
Larry: Oooh....[collapses]
Jack: This is nothing new.
Janet: But he isn't waking up.
Jack: The doctor just said for someone to sevre him hot water when he doesn't wake up. I'll go fix some.
Janet: I'LL fix some!
Jack: But I'm a professional chef.
Janet: But I can do it better.
Jack: We'll both do it, then!
[they are in the kitchen]
Jack: Get a bowl.
Janet: Don't you mean a cup?
Jack: I'll get a bowl, you get a cup. [they fill them up] Now stick your cup in the oven.
Janet: The oven?! I'll prefer the micorwave.
Jack: Whatever. I'm doing the oven.
Janet: I'll heat mine up in the microwave, and you'll hgeat yours up in the oven. Simple.
Larry [from other room]: MOMMY!!!!!!! The big choo choo train is fixing to come at me! Step on the gas woman! [in woman's voice] I can't little Larry! The pedal is stuck!!! [snaps out of it and comes into the kitchen] Are you guys making breakfast? Why does it smell like baked water in here?
Scene: The Regal Beagle:
[Felipe runs out of the kitchen with his wig and high heels falling off]
Felipe: I tolesa the patulasa!!!!!!!!!!
Mike: What did he say?
Chrissy: I have no clue. Something bad smelling is coming from the kitchen.
[Both run into kitchen]
[Doors shut tightly]
Chrissy: We-
Mike: Is-
Strange Woman: Trapped.
Mike: Who are you?!
Strange Woman: I'm Meredith Clark! You may know be as the host of the "Miss Hooker" contest in 1978 and I play Ava on TV's "The Ways of Our Days."
Chrissy: You're Troy from "The Ways of Our Days!!!!"
Guy: That's what I said. And we is trapped!
Chrissy: The ways of our days are in a haze......the haze of our ways through the days......the days of haze in many ways......the days and ways and haze of our days and hazes and ways are in the haze and ways and daze and haze and daze and wow......I love that song!!!!!
Meredith: Shut up, Blondie.
Chrissy: But you are a blonde!
Meredith: No! I'm a redhead! My character is a blonde! I'm a redhead! The world will never see me as a redhead because of Ava!!!!!! I'm gonna kill Ava! That's what I'll do! I'm gonna kill Ava, and I'm gonna kill the wig....and I'm gonna kill the woman who arranges my flowers. She makes them look like they are for a blonde. Her name is Janet Wood!
Chrissy: I'm gonna help you!
Meredith: Oh. I'll kill you too!
Mike: Women....
Scene: The Angelino Residence:
[Ralph comes in the front door with an overcoat]
[He takes off overcoat to reveal that he is wearing nothing but a toolbelt, an undershirt, a thong, and some see through parachute pants]
Mildred: Oh...Ralph!!!!!!! Your little tight pickle jars are so heavy!!!!!! The butter you brought is making my mouth moisty!!!!!!!! Your little fresh from the oven rolls you brought are sweet!! I want to show you something!
[Mildred runs in the kitchen and comes back]
Mildred: This is an apple. I think it's be a littl kinky if we do something to it.....
Ralph: What do you have in mine? I always thought mixing food with pleasure is a great idea......
Mildred: Oooh......this will be a pleasure.....but we can only do this in the kitchen where the things we need are.......let's go explore one of our best qualities......and you can leave that toolbelt......but put on the overcoat in case Frank comes back........
[cuts to kitchen]
Mildred: Making apple pie is fun isn't it?
[Ralph is taking a rack of apples out of the oven]
Ralph: That's for letting me borrow some of Frank's clothes. I hope he doesn't mind.
Mildred: Just don't get any stains on them. He'd notice a stain on his shirts if they were next door.
Ralph: After this apple pie, do you wanna make a chocolate mousse?
Mildred: Sure!
Scene: Apartment 201:
[Jack and Janet are in formal wear/They are having a candleit dinner]
Jack: To you, Janet. To you and your lovely self. I'm sorry about the water thing. I guess we were heating up.....[both of them laugh]......
Janet: Ahh.....Jack.....I've had my eye on you ever since your hair was changed from black to brown. Your brownish hair is more irresistable.
Jack: Janet, what is that dark shadow behind you?
Janet: What dark shadow?
[Terri turns on all the lights]
Terri: This dark shadow, baby!
[She runs up to Jack and passionatly kisses him]
Terri: Take that! That's the last peice of this you'll be getting! Now if you don't mind I have a new obsession! And that obsession is police officers! With their little tight pants!!!!! Jack you are gonna miss my love and you know it!
[A young police officer enters]
Police Officer: Umm Terri, the tight behind contest is starting.
Terri: And Jack! You are never gonna see this tail no more! [turns around and flashes Janet and Jack]
Jack: Eeeeeewwwwwwwww
Terri: Well......Luke, you moon them to so we can get our wrath!!!!!!! [they both flash Janet and Jack, who are both in the kitchen (Luke and Terri are pointed towards the kitchen door)
Jack (from kitchen): Yucky Terri! That's just low of you to do!
Janet (from kitchen): His doesn't look so bad. What am I saying????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack: What ARE you saying??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Terri: We are not gonna leave until Jack says he loves me!
Luke: What about me? I mean, I did bare my bottom for you.
Terri: I love it when you talk proper to me, Lukiepoo!
Janet: What are you gonna do Jack?
Jack: Terri! Luke! This is the last straw I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!!!!!! I'm gonna-
THE END