"Flutters"
A Make it or Break it FanFiction by trekkerpoet29
Her heart would always flutter at the sight of his smile.
Italicized dialogue is transcribed from MioBi. I transcribed it myself, and take all responsibility for errors. I don't own MioBi, the characters or the italicized dialogue, but the rest of it is all mine, and is copyrighted.
Payson Keeler did not write poetry. She did however, keep a journal of all of her gymnastics routines, replete with ideas for improvement, raising her DOD, and why her individual performances of said routines succeeded or failed. Until she realized that Sasha Belov, their crazy Romanian Rebel Coach, inspired her to do more than just overcome a career ending back injury and transition from power gymnast to artistic, graceful ballerina and gymnast. Then, she began to write poetry and stories in which she was able to play out her fantasy of a perfect romance and fairytale ending for a love that she believed had the power to be a reality-defying, long, ripped from fairytale happy ending.
It was her routine to write before she went to sleep. The house was quietest then, and Payson could count on being undisturbed to record every minute detail and to tumble it into a beautiful component of a poem, like Sasha did when he worked with her power moves. Power became grace became beauty. But Payson's day wore on her more than she knew to admit, because she fell asleep while writing and lived the most amazing date with Sasha. Payson woke up and discovered that it had been a dream. A very realistic dream. But her skin still quivered, remembering his touch, and she could have sworn that she smelled his scent lingering in the early morning air… Payson quickly realized that she had overslept, and got ready for her day at The Rock.
"That routine, what you just did, it was inspired!" Sasha said as he put Payson down from their swinging post-routine hug.
"It's you, Sasha. You inspire me." Payson beamed into his eyes, vulnerability mixed with strength and joy. As soon as she moved forward, she knew that she had crossed a line, that he would push her away, but she could not deny that she had not loved the feel of her lips against his. Instead of staying, she fled to prevent any further embarrassment. She hoped he would understand. It wasn't quite that she was in love with him. She had feelings, yes, deep ones. But she didn't quite know what they were. Sasha did. The next day, they had to deal with the fallout of Payson's actions: their mutual embarrassment, communication. Sasha was confident that they could do it; Payson, not as much.
"You never would have done that before. You're afraid to touch me and it's all my fault. I've ruined everything."
"No, no you haven't. You know," Sasha sat down next to Payson, "We've never talked about my coach."
"Your dad?"
"No. Uh, that didn't work out so well."
"He wasn't a good coach?"
"He was in some ways, the best."
"Then what happened?"
"He would never forgive me for winning Olympic gold for England and not Romania."
"Wow."
"But the coach I replaced him with became the most important person in my life. Nicolai Gaboi."
"Yeah, you dedicated your biography to him. Nicolai the Great."
"And that relationship was based on trust and loyalty and admiration and even a certain kind of love. You know, I was just an arrogant little punk but he taught me what it meant to be an athlete. He pushed me, beyond my limits. Harbored my dream. He made me an Olympian. And if he was Nicolette the Great, I would have tried to kiss him, too. Between a coach and his athlete is like no other relationship I know. It is intense and intimate and sometimes confusing and complicated and there are bumps in the road like any other relationship. But together we can overcome any obstacle as long as we communicate and trust in each other. I trust you, Payson."
"I trust you, too."
"You see, you haven't ruined anything. And I expect to see my name on the dedication page of your biography. Deal?"
"I don't know, Belov, we'll see if you make the cut."
"This relationship is a sacred trust. It needs to remain pure. Do you understand that?"
"Yes, Sasha." Payson smiled as she remembered the conversation. It was just one more reason to love him, and it was the greatest gift he could ever have given her… Other than getting her to London in 2012.
In her room that night, Payson knew that nothing would ever happen between herself and Sasha. She knew that. She knew that nothing should ever happen. That it was for the best that they didn't further complicate their relationship so that it wouldn't buckle under the strain of competition and media attention. Payson knew all of this and she believed it, not just because she trusted Sasha with her life, but because she knew that he was right. But she couldn't manage to stop wishing that something would happen. She smiled, when she remembered him saying that one day—code for after the Olympics, she was sure—someone would walk into her life and it would be everything she wanted from Sasha and more and that he would call her to make sure that she still remembered him so that she could dedicate her autobiography to him, as he dedicated his to Nicolai the Great.
As if she could forget Sasha. She bit back the question she wanted to ask him, knowing that it would only bring them backwards, but it lingered in her heart… Did someone walk into your life after Sydney that made you feel like that? Like you could live without Nicolai? She knew that Sasha had been single for a while. Summer didn't count. Judging by how quickly he'd packed up and come to the Rock and his daily meal plan of Shredded Wheat, she knew that Sasha was a man who was not used to sharing his life. Maybe a woman would just get in the way of his plans… Payson thought, but when she looked into Sasha's eyes that afternoon on the bench, she saw something that surprised her. A flicker of longing, of loneliness. The void that she would have to confront again after 2012. Life without gymnastics. What do you do with your time and your energy and your passion when the thing about which you are passionate is over? Could Payson, with her limited experiences of high school and life outside gymnastics, find a new dream? How long would it take? Would it hurt to wake up and realize that she had already lived her lifelong dream?
Payson opened up her journal to a blank page halfway through. Blank pages had always scared Payson, but now she knew that it would be alright. She flipped back, rereading poems that she had written about Sasha, and smiled.
I know you'll never look at me
the way you look at her
across the room
electricity
and that is exactly why
I am falling in love with you
the safety of your protection
no expectations, just love
no expectations, nothing more to come
nothing to prove
protect me, don't stop
free me up to love,
to bloom,
to shine
as I have never shone before
shine like the pride in your watery eyes
and now I know that this is safety
in the way my heart turns so easily
so openly around you
I need to feel safe, to feel valued
in order to open up
to be a flower in bloom
like how you always saw me
beautiful, perfect even at my worst
like lovers often do
I know you'll never look at me that way
and that is why I can love you so.
High emotions, high stakes, in the pressure
you and I are free
free to simply be
as you and I are
across the room
a different kind of electricity.
The feelings Payson's words described brought tears to her eyes, but she turned the page and read on.
Intensity.
Fire. Passion burning through.
No one makes me feel as passionate as you.
Trust.
Safety. Security. Trust me, trust you.
No one's made me sine, made me beautiful like you.
And yes, I understand that things can never change
maybe I'm even grateful that we'll always be the same
but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I want to find someone like you.
Someone who'll always love me like you do.
Intimate.
Trust. Respect. Loyalty.
You always believed in me.
I want to find someone like you.
Someone who'll always treat me like you do.
Payson flipped the page again, wondering how she could ever find the words to thank Sasha for everything that he'd done for her, everything they would still do together.
Discipline, focus, precision, grace
Gymnastics taught me
how to face life
how to glance disappointment's face
how to wrap victory's face in grace
There were still many blank pages, and Payson Keeler would figure it out as she went along, as everyone before her had done. She closed the book and wiped a stray tear off of her cheek. On her way out, she replaced Sasha Belov's autobiography on her bookshelf, and left to find a different dream.