AN: Hello, I started this story a long time ago and lost reason to write. But I have reason again, and I will finish this time. So I've gone back and edited past chapters, and changed a few things. So past readers you probably want to re-read those chapters, new readers Welcome and thank you for reading my story.

WARNINGS: Trigger warnings, this is not a happy story. This story includes depression, and self-harm, if that triggers you please please don't read this.

Also if there if anyone out there that needs someone to talk to, PM me. I'm always ready to listen to you and offer some advice. Or if you just need a friend, I'm really friendly. :)

Tumblr; musics-lifes-record

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Exhaustion, that's what Alec felt as he fell on top of his bed. It wasn't because he had just spent hours unpacking his things for his new home or driven for endless hours, or even because he hadn't had a good nights rest in a week. No, it was because he was exhausted with his mask that he gave to everyone around him. The mask of the perfect son. The straight "A" son, that does not get into trouble, that speaks properly, that protects his family. He was tired of it all; all Alec wanted to do was curl up into a ball and let life pass him by.

But Alec wasn't that fortunate, life had already smacked that in his face.

Alec knew life wouldn't give him a break, he had tried to accept that but he just couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he always wondered why had all this happened to him? What had he ever done? He had tried to be a perfect son, and make his strict parents proud of him. Alec hadn't asked to be born this way, and he would change it in a heartbeat if only he could.

While Alec was in the middle of his thoughts his bedroom door open to revel Izzy with an annoyed look across her face. Her long black hair was in a messy ponytail, and she was barely wearing any makeup. Alec looked at his baby sister, she had changed so much. He knew that tomorrow at school she would make it known she was the kind of girl who has flings, lots of them, and doesn't date at all. Alec sighed, because he knew he was losing his sister, and he would do anything to change that. When Izzy was younger, she would be open, and fun. The old Izzy would always come running over to Alec to talk about fashion, or as much as it annoyed Alec, her boy issues. Alec was her shoulder to cry on when someone had hurt her. But things changed, Izzy had grown up. Izzy was distant to Alec, and often got the cold shoulder from her sister. And Alec knew it was because she blamed him, but he blamed himself too.

"Dinner." Was all she said, and then left Alec alone.

Slowly Alec got up from his bed, and walked down the hall of his new "Home". 'This is never going to be home,' Alec thought to himself as he pulls his hood over his head. Alec rounded a corner and went down some stairs, eventually he found himself in the dinning room. Only Jace and Izzy were at the table, Maryse and Robert were probably still working. Alec pulled out a chair across from Jace, and next to Izzy, and sat down. Alec looked down at his plate, letting his black hair fall across his eyes, and not daring to look across to his adopted brother. Slowly, the three siblings got food for them, and ate in silence. It wasn't always like this; Alec began to think of when him and his siblings would talk during their meals. Jace would throw jokes around at Alec, Izzy would talk about shoes and boys, and Max would be telling them to be quiet so he could read his comic book.

Max...

"Hey Alec?" Jace said loudly, snapping Alec out the darker corners of his mind.

"Hm?" Alec asked looking at his brother.

"You ok over there?" Jace asked concerned, grabbing Izzy's attention. "You had this weird look on your face."

"I'm fine." Alec lied, he was far from fine and he hadn't been fine in months.

"Fine don't tell, me see if I care." Jace said, suddenly angry and left the table.

After hearing Jace stomp up the stairs and slam his door, Alec got up to clean the table. He put away his dishes and left some food out incase Jace got hungry after not haven eaten much before stomping himself up to his room. Alec couldn't blame Jace for being mad at him though. For as long as they knew each Alec and Jace would tell each other everything about each other, they were as close as real brothers. But ever since the accident a few months ago, they had closed each other out, and when ever Jace tried to get close Alec would push him away.

After cleaning up Alec slowly drudged his way up the stairs to his new room. Alec instantly fell into a deep fitful sleep and he lay on his bed.

All he could hear was a girl crying.

"Hello?" He called out and walked toward the sound.

Izzy lay on the ground hands over her eyes, sobbing. She was a mess; Izzy never broke down because she was strong. Izzy was Alec's tough fighting baby sister.

Alec walked over to comfort his sister; he couldn't let her be in pain. Alec had to help his sister; he had to protect his family.

As he got closer something, or, someone pushed Alec to the ground. Jace. Jace was glaring at him a fire in his eyes, and disgust? Jace had never looked at him like that, ever. Sure the brothers had their fights, what brothers didn't fight, but never had Jace glared hated toward Alec. No matter how mad he was.

"Wha-?" Alec could barely speak, his brother's hatred over powering him.

"Do not come near us, do you hear that?!" Jace yelled at him.

Alec looked dumbfounded at his adopted brother. Had Jace just yelled at him to go away? What was wrong with him? Alec shook his head telling Jace, 'No, I do not understand'.

"God, you are just so stupid, you know." Jace laughed. He laughed at him. "You think I'm just going to let you near Izzy, after what you did to Max? Do you not get it? You killed our brother! It's all your fault! So did you really think I would let you near Izzy? No, I am going to protect this family, now you have failed us. Failed Max." Jace said every word with pure hate. Venom dripped from his words, and it destroyed Alec heart.

Was that what his brother thought of him? Did he truly believe it was his fault Max had died. No, he believed he had killed Max. That didn't compare to blaming him for his little brother. How could Alec kill his sweet innocent baby brother? How could Jace think that he even could?

Alec then felt something wet dripping down his face. Reaching a hand to touch it, Alec found he was crying.

"Oh look, the murderer weeps. Why because of your disgusting unrequited love for me? What do you think I didn't know? You disgusting fa-" Before Alec let Jace finish his sentence, he took off running.

Away, away, away. Faster, faster, faster.

No matter how fast Alec ran, it didn't go away.

His guilt for his baby brother. His stupid love for his other brother.

Alec just wanted it to go away, but no matter how fast he ran, it never would...

Alec woke up in a cold sweat. He had nightmares before, but not ones like that. That was a whole new level of bad. And it got Alec thinking, 'Did Jace really think that of me?' Alec asked himself, 'Does Jace really blame me?'

Then something else hit him, and his breath was stolen from him. Did Jace know? He couldn't, Alec had always been so careful. Except Izzy found out, could Jace have as well?

Slowly with the thoughts still in his mind, Alec got out of his bed. Walking downstairs he heard people eating breakfast. Four people. Alec gulped, his parents were home.

Slowly Alec walked in the room to get food. Lucky for him his parents were distracted by the newspaper.

After a few minutes of silent eating, Robert cleared his throat. "Maryse look at this. It's another one of those gay pride parades."

"How revolting. Do those freaks not know how unwanted they are?" Maryse said with a disgusted look on her face.

Her comments had earned the glares of her two youngest children, while her oldest was staring down at his lap. 'Freaks' 'unwanted'. Was that what homosexuals were to her? If she knew what Alec was, would she still think like that?

"Alec? Darling what do you think? You seem to be thinking hard about it." Maryse asked her eldest son.

Alec gulped, what was he to say? 'Hey mom, dad I like dick.' That would obviously get him kicked out, deservingly. No he should just say what he should, the right thing.

"What those fags? They should be on a different planet. I mean it's disgusting that we have to breath the same air as them." Alec said with a laugh that didn't sound at all like him self. Had he really just said all of those things? He had to, right? His parents wanted him to...

Suddenly there was a loud sound of someone rushing furiously from the table, Izzy. Alec looked puzzled at her now vacant chair. Why had she just reacted like that? It's not like Izzy could have been offended. Right?

Alec looked over to Jace, whom was giving him a sad and disappointed look. Why? What did golden boy Jace know?

The rest of the meal was in silence, Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood to engrossed in the morning paper to care for their children. Eventually Jace got up and left, giving Alec a look he couldn't describe before rushing up to his room. Giving a last look to his absent parents Alec cleaned up the dishes and went to his new room.

Although his room was still mostly bear, it screamed 'Alec'. The walls were a dark brown and he only had few things in his room. It was all he needed. Slowly Alec reached into one of the unpacked boxes on his floor. After a few minutes of searching he found what he was looking for... It was a black and brown Converse All Star shoebox, filled with his secrets.

Had his mother really meant that? His father as well? Do they really think that being gay is ... Disgusting?

'Of course you loser.' A voice spoke in Alec's head that sounded so much like Jace. 'Do you really think it natural for oh say a man to love another man? The thought alone makes me want to gag' The voice yelled, and then it laughed at Alec for being so stupid. And for being so disgusting.

Slowly Alec opened the shoebox. Everything was just as he left it. His collection had grown over the last year. Really he never thought he would get to the point were he could choose between big, small, clean, or dirty. That wasn't how it was when all this had started. But that was then and this is now.

Now he had a messy box filled with all the razors he'd accumulated over the year. Now he had band aides, gauze and toilet paper to clean up after himself. Now he had matches and metal. He had it all, and he really didn't give a fuck.

Alec took out the razor and looked at his closet door mirror. He disgusted himself. 'Yes, you are sooo disgusting.' The voice spoke to him its words teasing him.

Alec rushed to go lock his bedroom door; Izzy or Jace couldn't see this. 'Like they would care about you, you disgusting freak!'

"Shut up." Alec spoke to himself. "Shut up, shut up!"

He quieted down after the first cut to his arm, engrossed in the blood pooling out of it. He kept at it; never feeling like it was enough, needing more and more. It felt too good not to, it comforted him. The world around him was quiet, and he took in the momentary silence.

All too soon he realized he had to stop, or he would get dizzy. He cleaned up, applying cream to stop infection and sticking gauze on his arm. Throwing a sweatshirt over him to cover the mess up he lay on his bed.

What he did was considered wrong, but Alec didn't care. His razors were the only ones there for him. His skin was messed up enough with out them, so it didn't matter what he did to it anyway.

Besides his blades were the only ones that really knew what happened to Max.