Fatman & Ronon

The Watch Stander

Rating: G -Painful humor for McKay! Remember that funny story I promised?

Disclaimer: SONY & MGM own Atlantis and all of it's characters. The wonderful interpretation of these characters is owned by the cast of Atlantis. The fun of writing this story about these characters is owned by me and is in no way intended to infringe on any of these rights and is done without payment or profit on my part.

AN: Ever since I saw TAO of Rodney I've wanted to write a series of funny stories about Ronon and McKay. This is team related, but others could focus on just them? Love to hear what everyone thinks about this story and that idea.

Hope you all like this and by the way, this is in no means a slight to David H. He's amazing in the fact he has so much going on and still manages to stay physically fit and healthy.

Thanks to all who review, you guys are great and keep the fingers typing out stories!

Bated by my best friend TW!

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Rodney sighed impatiently as he sat on the examination table in the infirmary, waiting for Carson to tell him his fate.

The Doctor was standing next to him, looking at the results of the tests he had run on McKay. He didn't look pleased.

"This is not, good, not good at all," he mumbled, but even Rodney could hear him.

"Carson," if we're done, I 'd like to leave before I faint from hunger. I haven't eaten since last night, remember?" He was more than ready to go and his stomach was growling, reminding him that it needed to be fed.

"Just a minute, I need to check one more thing," Carson barely looked at him as he made his way back to his office.

Rodney, was annoyed, he hated physicals, but knew that the necessity for having one was only because he went off world with Sheppard and his team. If he stayed in the lab he wouldn't have to do this every four months.

So, he subjected himself to them, knowing if he didn't, Carson and Weir would pull the plug on his going off world. Nobody wanted an unhealthy team member that might put them in danger. It was bad enough that he had health issues like allergies and hypoglycemia for them to deal with.

Carson came back with two charts in his hands. Shaking his head, he looked at Rodney.

"What?" Rodney finally said, getting really annoyed with Carson's behavior and his not telling him anything.

Beckett sighed, knowing this was not going to be fun. "Well, Rodney, you put on another ten pounds since coming back from our short stay on Earth and your assignment to area 51. Your blood pressure is higher and your cholesterol intolerable. What were you eating there?"

Rodney looked surprised, then embarrassed, but he wasn't about to lie

" Well, I didn't have time to cook at night, so I ate out a lot. It's not like they have gourmet restaurants near area 51 or healthy food takeouts. There were lots of nights I worked late and besides, I was depressed," he practically whispered the last part.

Carson didn't look happy, "You have the eating habits of a five-year-old! How many times must I tell you to keep away from prepackaged food and restaurant food! It's gonna kill you with all the salt it has in it! And fast food is out of the question!"

Rodney looked at his feet, he knew he was getting heavy by the way his clothes fit and his face now looked puffy and full. He was beginning to look older than his years because of the weight gain.

"It was just hard to find food that I could eat and I hate to cook for just me."

Carson shook his head, "I'll have to tell Elizabeth, so you'd better start on a diet today!"

"Can't you just give me a pill?", Rodney pleaded.

"No! Someone your age shouldn't be on drugs. If you were older, I might, but this can be controlled by weight loss and exercise." Carson sighed heavily, drugs were a last resort, he never used them unless it was absolutely necessary.

"All right, I hear you. Diet and exercise. I 'm beginning to feel dizzy, I think I need to eat!"

Carson had to smile at that remark, Rodney was a piece of work when it came to food. The man was always eating it seemed.

"Aye, you'd better be off then. Next week, same time and you'd better have lost a couple of pounds by then or else!" Carson threatened.

Rodney nodded as he slipped off the table, "Yes, yes! I hear you!"

He practically ran out the door and just missed running into Major Lorne, who was walking by.

"Easy, McKay, you act like the devil is chasing you!" Lorne said as he avoided Rodney.

"No, it's just his disciple that's after me!" McKay snapped back.

"What?" Lorne asked.

"Never mind. I need food... can't think straight if I'm hungry."

"Ok, I'll see yah later," Lorne smiled then turned at the next intersection and left Rodney, who headed for the mess.

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When he got there, he found that it was a special day since the Daedalus had come in with supplies and two of the things they brought were bacon and flour.

He piled his plate with pancakes, butter, syrup and heaped on six pieces of bacon as well.

He knew the food wouldn't last long once the Marines and the rest of Atlantis found out about it. Looking over the rest of the items offered, he picked up two blueberry muffins as well. Two cups of coffee filled the tray and then he happily went over to an empty table where he could eat in peace.

After carefully removing the items from the tray and placing them on the table, he pushed the tray away. The smell of bacon and the pancakes were making his mouth water. Before he could even pick up his fork, Sheppard suddenly appeared and sat down across from him, followed by Ronon who sat next to Sheppard.

John put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands.

"McKay, you gonna eat all that?" he looked repulsed by the food.

Rodney looked at him angrily, "Yes... I am! It's a once a month treat and I intend to enjoy it before all the hungry hordes arrive and devour it all!"

"Didn't you just have a physical?" John asked raising his eyebrows.

Before Rodney could answer, a hand suddenly reached over Rodney's head and removed the plate before him, then quickly handed it over to Ronon who grabbed it along with the silverware.

Ronon smiled, but said nothing. John on the other hand smirked.

"What! Give that back! ..." Rodney started to sputter, but before he could move, a hand held him by the shoulder and a plate of fresh fruit and yogurt was placed before him. He still couldn't see who had dared to take away his prize meal. The muffins went next and John scooped them up happily.

A bowl of cereal and a carton of milk replaced the muffins before McKay.

Rodney was beyond angry, he turned around ready to blast whoever was behind him and was stopped short by Teyla's beautiful smile. She looked pleased with herself, "Good morning, Rodney. She looked down at him, waiting to see if he would dare say anything to her.

Rodney cringed instead, he was afraid of Teyla and knew what she could do to him if she were angry.

Turning away, he whined, "This is so unfair... really unfair," as he watched Ronon happily devouring the pancakes along with the bacon.

When John ate the second muffin, licking his fingers after he finished it, the physicist looked as if he were about to cry.

Rodney looked unhappily at the fruit plate and yogurt before him. Right now he hated all of his team.

John started talking first, "So, how was the physical?"

Rodney, feeling betrayed, looked at him, "Carson told you!"

"Of course he did, I'm your team leader and your welfare is my concern." John replied smugly.

"You already know then," Rodney snapped back.

John leaned back in the chair, trying to be diplomatic about what he was about to say, knowing how much food meant to the man before him. It was one of the few things the scientist really enjoyed and taking it away from him was like being mean to a puppy.

"Rodney, you know that being overweight is bad for you and so is eating all this stuff. You need to exercise, then you might be able to eat some of this occasionally. We're all worried about you, that's all. We don't want you to get sick."

Rodney continued to sulk, looking down at his hands, hearing what John said, but hating it just the same. Food was very important to him and he'd always been able to eat whatever he wanted as weight had never been a problem. The last few years had brought on so much stress that he found himself spending more time working and eating, with little sleep and the only exercise was when he went off world. It had caught up to him quickly adding extra pounds where he didn't need them.

John could see that Rodney was unhappy, but no matter what, he was determined to help his friend. "We're all your friends here as well as a team so we've decided to help you. "

Rodney slowly looked up, knowing they ALL meant well, but he still was hurt by what they were doing.

"Teyla has offered to teach you to fight with sticks." John said happily as Teyla sat down next to him and smiled at him.

Rodney gave her a slight smile knowing she could beat the crap out of him with those sticks. No matter how gentle she was, learning with her was bound to hurt.

John continued, "Ronon has offered to take you jogging with him."

Again McKay envisioned himself gasping for air after only a short distance and having leg cramps later on caused by abused tendons and muscles.

John finished with, "And I of course will teach you shooting while on the move."

Rodney knew that meant rolling on the ground while shooting, as well as dodging and falling to avoid being a target. He would be black and blue all over afterwards.

John now had a curious smile on his face, "So what's it to be, McKay? Tapping with Teyla, Running with Ronon, or shooting with Sheppard?"

Rodney dropped his chin down, he hated this, but knew there was no way out if he wanted to remain on the team.

Each of his teammates now had identical smiles on their faces, waiting to see which one he'd choose.

I'm doomed, no matter who I choose...

Suddenly, another voice spoke up behind him, "How about walking with Weir?"

Elizabeth's voice rang out clearly, she had overheard their conversation with McKay and had imediately walked over.

"Oh thank God! " Rodney said after realizing what she'd said, his face then changed from fear to relief, as if he had been spared a fate worse than death.

John and the others looked up, surprised, "Elizabeth?" John asked.

"Rodney and I have a meeting scheduled today and I told Carson, we could do it while walking two miles around Atlantis. Carson thought it was a great idea."

She smirked, knowing that although John and the team meant well, too much strenuous exercise would not be good for the out of shape scientist and she didn't want to see him hurt. She could be very protective of Rodney when necessary.

"So, Rodney, ready to go?" She asked sweetly.

Rodney didn't even pause, "Of course, I'll just grab a power bar and a cup of coffee to go."

"Of Course you will, and get me one as well, "She said as he left.

" I'll see you all later," she said to John and his team, then she left to follow Rodney.

John sighed, he was disappointed at having lost his entertainment for the day, but... at least Rodney will get some exercise.

And besides, tomorrow 's another day...

The End For Now