A/N: Thank you to my lovely Lauren, who rocks my world. Also, thank you to Marlou even though my internet connection screwed us up... and to Kirsten for fighting off the AOL demons. This is based upon a song by Averi... if you want it, email me. And can't kick me off because I have lyrics in this. MAHAH, I asked them at thier last concert if I could use em and they said yes. So there. BWAH!

Two steps make me think back to that time that I took your hand in mine. For a person so strong you felt ever so frail, thin and scared. If I'd had the courage then I would have wrapped you up solid and whole in my embrace. I can't bear to think of you frightened, or weak, or falling.

So stop falling for me.

There's nothing here worth falling for except a battered, selfish and old man; a man who lives for science and science alone. I've never thought to breathe for anything else. I can't breathe for you Sara; you have to do that for yourself. You can't keep wanting to live for me. You can't live for me if I don't want to live for me. Do you understand that?

I've never known how to live for anything else but something in me thinks it might be right, might be logical, might be okay to live for you. But, but, but the inevitable but...

Hell, I don't even understand that; I don't know what I'm thinking, don't know why I'm thinking any of this in the first place.

I'm so very confused. I think I don't want you but I know I do and then I can't have you and then I think that I can. It's like you're constantly throwing me passes and I'm standing in the end zone, fumbling all of them. But then again, maybe you just can't throw.

You are a brilliant, gorgeous, feisty, vivacious woman who would shrivel and die if you were to be with me. I give Sara, I give but I can't help taking at the same time. It would be amazing if you could love me, but I don't know if there would be a time or a place where you would be able to live with me. I can't be the cause of your death. I can't begin to imagine the sadness of you losing your luster because of me.

The things you do to my insides, make me think that perhaps love can be real, that it can matter to me for once in my life. I set you apart from the beginning Sara, and it's slowly beginning to kill me.

Love someone else. There are other men who would be able to treat you infinitely better than I ever would. They may not adore you the way I do, have the history with you that I do or love you as endlessly as I do but they'd be better for you Sara.

Even as I think all of this, turning away from you once more, I can't help but speculate on the fantasy of lying with you.

Even as I push you away I have the need to see your eyes when you wake up, how you smell, how you really feel. I need to taste the skin of your warm stomach and the wonderful haven of your mouth. I need you to grace me with your body and your mind. I need, I need, I need, Sara. I need, but I can't have. I see the difference; you do not.

That's why I've been seeing somebody new, she's nothing like you. She's funny, in a political way and she smiles, all these gorgeous white perfect teeth peeking out at me. Her smile is absolutely nothing like yours. She's intelligent but not witty, so far from original. She's got a name that contains far more than four letters; her past isn't troubled and neither is her present. She doesn't need me, she wants me. Her hair is long, black and gorgeous; she's gorgeous. She is nothing at all like you. There are no oddities to her, no little quirks or traits that make her seem strange; she's not a vegetarian, doesn't enjoy the day. She doesn't listen to jazz or sing when she's upset.

She most certainly does not take care of me, but let's me be. There isn't a time when she's been temperamental; she picks up the dinner check and enjoys cheesy chick flicks.

God Sara, she's so perfect and she's not you. I sit here and think of you when I should be thinking of her. No, that's not true; I sit here not thinking of her, when I should be with you.

You need, you want, you love me for more reasons that I can claim to put a finger on.

You gracefully creep into my mind at all hours of the day, slinking about, making your presence known with gentle prods and delicate caresses. It's rather troublesome, and I wish you'd stop doing it. It's cumbersome and distracting, thinking about you, strong and sure and loving me all hours of the day. You're fantastic; you're amazing, wonderful and lovely. Stop it!

Stop being so you, or I'm going to have to stop being so... me. Now I can't even think straight. I guess these case reviews are going to have to wait until tomorrow. I have more important things to think about.

I must think that I'm fooling everyone with this act I'm putting on. I mean, it is pretty good...

Missing you is what I'm doing, putting so much distance between the two of us. As much as I don't want to, and with everything I've said before... I can't help but pretend I'm not missing you. I'm not; I'm not, not, not missing you... or your smile, your laugh or the sound of your voice. But... maybe I am. Maybe I am.

It's difficult to look at us now, to remember what we were because of what we have become. No longer friends, so distant. Just look what we've become, and it's your entire fault.

My fault, rather, it's all my fault. But can't we both be at fault? Is that a possibility?

No, no I need to keep fighting this, this whole thing that isn't between us. I'm just waiting, waiting to forget you, but I can't seem to get the simple thought of you out of my head, I can't get the breath of you out of my lungs. This thing-and I note again that it isn't between us, not at all-is driving me positively insane. I need this thing, I need it to be but it can't. It can't.

I wish I could say that I find myself writing letters to you, telling you all of these things that make me insane. You make me insane, pure and simple and maybe you should know that, maybe I should enlighten you to that fact. Maybe then you'd stop being that amazing, that prepossessing, that much of everything to me.

But imagine... imagine like I imagine. That's silly, you must have. I know you have; you've thought about the two of us together and figured out some sort of complex, time-consuming equation that makes the two of us work. I've never really been good at math, but then again you were a physics major and...

Maybe I need some sleep. But if I sleep, there's a great chance that I'll dream you. Then, there comes the problem of walking into work and facing you, pretending like I'm no watching you disrobe every night in my head. God, you're stunning there, underneath me, over me, touching me like I'm the only thing holding you up. I don't want to discuss how I look in my head (adoring and stupid) because it's not pertinent to my plan of forgetting about you.

Forget, forget that's what I need to do. So in order to start forgetting, I have to stop speculating on all the skin, the blood, the heat and love that is you. That's what needs to start happening... right now.

But maybe, just maybe the two of us...

Sara, honestly, I'm simply falling apart at the thought of you and I.

I'm waiting to forget, I'm trying to pretend that I'm not missing you again

When you gracefully creep in, you bring back these feelings...

But I'm not missing you... again.

Averi, 'Gracefully Creep In'