Author's Note: This is something that I know has been done before but this is from my heart and is very personal to me. So I hope you read it but please do not leave a flame.
April 11th
"It's been three days."
The man looked up at the owner of the voice. He nodded, using his flannel sleeve to wipe his tears away.
"But it seems like an eternity," he agreed. He gestured to his nephew. "Sit down." They sat across from each other in silence.
"Why did this happen?" the older man asked, trying to hold back a sob. His resolve failed and he broke down, shaking in grief.
The younger man crossed the space and embraced his uncle in a hug. "I don't know, I don't know," his nephew said, trying his best to console the man. "It wasn't her time."
Both men turned at the sound of the phone ringing. Knowing his uncle was in no position to answer the phone, the younger man took the call. His uncle returned to his original position: his head in his hands, crying silently. He looked up again at the sound of the phone crashing to the floor. The two pairs of tear-stained eyes met as the younger man trembled struggling to find the words.
"She's…she ran…just a few minutes ago…" he started stuttering.
His uncle crossed the room and grabbed his arms. "What? What's happening? Who ran…?" He trailed off, knowing the answer. "Do they know where she went?"
The younger boy shook his head numbly. "No…just that she was there for dinner…Emily went to find her in her…" -the boy struggled through his sobs- "went to the bathroom…medicine cabinet…some pills were gone…car is missing…" he managed out before crumpling to the floor in grief. "We have to help them find her."
The older man nodded. "We have to-oh god-we need…I'll get jackets and flashlights…it's dark out…who knows where she…" he said in panic as he rushed around finding those items. "…Someone has to call…he's her boyfriend…"
"Emily is calling him now," the boy said quietly.
The older man nodded. He struggled to see through the tears as they caused his vision to become blurry. He quickly grabbed his nephew off the floor and pulled him out of their small apartment. How could things have gone so wrong in such a short amount of time? He had already lost one angel and he was not about to lose the only other one he had left.
~~~~~~~~`
He had driven all over Hartford, hoping that she had not gotten too far in the brief amount of time between dinner and the discovery of her escape. Stopping at a red light he slammed his fist down on the steering wheel in a mixture of fear, anger, and frustration.
"Why didn't they let her stay with me?!" he yelled angrily to himself. "Damn it! They may be her family but that is not her house! I wouldn't have taken my eyes away from her for one second! This never would have happened!"
He slammed his fist down in rage again. First God took away one of the few people who was a light in the world and now He was close to taking away the only one left who made life worth living. He looked up at the unforgiving red light that held him in place. He took staggered breaths as uncontrollable sobs racked his body while he prayed he would not be too late. The young man closed his piercing blue eyes and ran a hand through his untidy blond hair that had yet to grow back to the length it had been before military school. He wiped away his tears and told himself to focus.
"You can't lose yourself now. Not until you make sure she's safe," he ordered himself.
Looking up, he saw the red light slowly flicker green. Tearing off in the only place he had yet to look, Stars Hollow, he prayed to God that he would get there in time to stop her.
~~~~~~~~`
"Please, Richard, drive faster!" Emily frantically ordered her husband. "She's been gone for nearly an hour now! Oh God! What if we're too late?" She broke down and began to tremble, not bothering to wipe away the streams of tears.
"We'll find her, we will," he tried to console her in a shaky voice, taking her hand in one of his.
"Please, oh God." she pleaded. "Don't take her too."
She rested her head against the cold, hard window and closed her eyes. The horrible memories that took place just three days earlier flashed through her mind. They had gotten in a fight-it was not the first, but it was most definitely the worst. They had fought about how much of a failure she was. It was the same old argument, but the final words were worse than ever before.
"How? I thought I did everything right and then you turn around and bring me so much grief!"
"Well, I'm sorry Mom but did you ever once consider that maybe the problem wasn't me, that maybe it was you? Maybe you screwed up!" the younger woman argued back.
"Get out of my house!"
"Why? Because you know I'm right? Maybe if you had been a better mother I wouldn't have brought so much shame to the Gilmore name!"
"Stop it! Stop it right now! I don't want to see you until I know what to do with you! Send my granddaughter for dinner tomorrow night alone."
"No, I won't. I'm not going to let you hurt her like you did to me. I hate you!"
With that she stormed out of the house.
Emily sobbed as she remembered what happened next.
She could not answer the phone, she did not want to answer the phone. She was too enraged and hurt at the exchange of words. She let the machine pick up as she stood next to it, listening to the incoming message.
"Mom, I know you're there listening and I know you're too mad to answer the phone. Listen, I'm on my lunch break, I'm walking out of the inn and am going to drive back right now. Mom, I'm sorry. I know that we've had fights before but it never got that intense. I don't hate you. I was mad. I wasn't thinking. I just…I'm so sorry. I know I don't say this much and I know you don't say it back much either but…I love you, Mom. I just-I know that you still hate me, I'm not even sure if you can hear this." Emily hesitated, biting her lip trying to decide whether or not to pick up the phone she decided to leave it. "And I know it doesn't make up for anything that I said. I just- I'm coming over. I can't settle this over the phone, I really think we need to talk, face-to-face. I really need to hear you say in person that you don't hate me, that you forgive me. I'll be over in forty-five minutes. Bye."
She uncharacteristically curled into a ball as her memories continued.
Emily paced back and forth, every now and then looking out the window for sign of Lorelai's jeep. She was half an hour late and Emily was beginning to get worried. Then the phone rang. Emily turned and looked at it as it rang. For some reason, a strange feeling formed in her stomach. She willed her feet to move forward, but they felt like lead. Slowly, she walked over and picked up the phone. Feeling a sense of dread, she put the receiver to her ear.
"Gilmore residence," she said in hesitant voice.
"Mrs. Gilmore?" an unknown voice asked.
"Yes, who is this?"
She began to get nauseous as the voice began to speak.
"Emily, who is calling?" Richard said coming up from behind her.
She turned around tears forming and breathing heavily. She looked up at him in shock. He sprung forward to catch her as she dropped the phone and her legs gave out beneath her.
Richard looked over at his wife, his heart longed to take away all her pain. He knew she was remembering was happened and he knew that if anything happened…she would never forgive herself. Emily had made a promise.
"Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to find my daughter! She was just brought in here by the paramedics!" Emily cried frantically.
"Ma'am, please calm down. What is her name?" the nurse said calmly.
"Lorelai Gilmore," she said, tears running down her face.
"Okay, ma'am, they just brought her in but…"
"Where is she?!" Emily interrupted.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Gilmore but…"
"Damn it!" Emily screamed hysterically. "Just tell me where she is!"
Richard rushed up behind her and placed a hand on his wife's shoulder.
"No, no," she mumbled, shaking her head and shrugging off the hand.
The nurse just stuttered on what to say next.
"Forget it! I'll find her myself!" Emily tore off.
She ignored all protests as she rushed off, letting her motherly instincts pull her to her daughter. Richard trailed behind her. Something caught the corner of her eye. There. She directed herself to an emergency room. She walked in and fought the people holding her back.
There lay Lorelai. Her only daughter. Her clothes stained with blood.
"Oh dear God."
Richard was taken outside in order for the doctor to talk to him. Mother and daughter were left alone-
"Mr. Gilmore, I'm sorry, she's lost too much blood. There's nothing…" Emily would have heard had she been paying any attention to anything other than her daughter.
"Mom," Lorelai said weakly, crying in pain and sadness. "I screwed up again, didn't I?"
"No, no, you didn't," Emily said frantically, running a hand through her daughter's matted hair. She grabbed her hand and both could feel the other trembling.
"I didn't see him run the light. I had a green; I was supposed to go." Lorelai mumbled.
"It's not your fault," Emily said forcefully, sniffling through her tears.
"I'm so…sorry. Mom, I'm so sorry I hurt you."
"Lorelai." Richard rushed in and held his daughter's other hand. "Oh God."
"Daddy," she said weakly. "I'm sorry I hurt you too. I never meant to be a bad daughter. I love you. I love you both."
"You aren't a bad daughter Lorelai," Richard said gently.
"I'm so sorry. Mom…" Lorelai choked and coughed. Blood sputtered out. She stuttered, trying desperately to form the words. "Tell Rory I love her. Take care of Rory…promi…promise me."
"I promise Lorelai, I promise." she said, tightening her grip on her hand.
"Forgive me…plea…" Lorelai began to tremble violently before breathing one last time.
"Lorelai!" Emily screamed. "Lorelai!" She shook her hand violently. "No, no! You are not going to die like this! No! Lorelai!" She collapsed and held Lorelai's hand against her forehead. She shook her head violently and Richard broke down in tears.
"I forgive you! I don't hate you Lorelai! I forgive you! Oh God!" she trembled and felt Richard pull her to him, they sobbed together as the doctors and nurses came in. The world lost all meaning. Lorelai Gilmore was dead.
Emily choked on her tears. She had been crying for three days straight. They all had. ~I just wish I could tell her I forgive her. That's all she wanted to hear~ she thought silently, crying even more violently at the thought. ~I can't break my promise~
~~~~~~~~`
They had driven around trying to see if they could stop her before and if she decided to go to Stars Hollow. So far that had failed and they were running out of time.
"Luke, I know where she is!" Jess said suddenly. "Go to the Inn!" he ordered.
Luke looked over at his nephew and nodded. Within minutes they pulled into the Inn.
"There!" Jess said pointing out one of the Gilmore's cars. Next to it stood Tristan, his hand on the hood. They pulled over next to it.
"Where is she?" Luke said hurriedly while getting out of the car.
"I don't know!" Tristan said in panic. "I just got here a few seconds ago! I saw her car! It's still warm!"
"Split up! We have to find her!" Luke ordered.
They nodded and went in different directions.
Tristan ran into the main building of the inn. Since Lorelai's death all the guests had been moved elsewhere. It had not been occupied in the three days she had been gone. He franticly began to call out her name and look through the first floor. Coming into the kitchen, he scanned the area. His eyes came to rest on the coffee maker. It brought back a fresh set of memories.
He sat behind her, tickling the back of her neck with the tip of his pen. He saw her scrunch up: he could just picture her face, biting her lip in order to hold back the giggle that desperately wanted to escape. He still couldn't believe that he, Tristan DuGrey was dating Rory Gilmore. He smiled, thinking of the day that he came back. He had convinced his father to let him finish his senior year at Chilton by promising him he would not cause any more trouble and would strive to be accepted into an Ivy league school. Tristan decided to aim for Harvard.
He remembered seeing her smile. She walked up to find him leaning against her locker, just like before, though this time a little more mature and with shorter hair. She ran up and hugged him, praying that she was not dreaming. They began as friends but Lorelai saw more. It had taken eight months, two acceptance letters to Harvard, countless cups of coffee, and one fun-loving mother to play matchmaker, but they were together. They were in love.
Biting his lip to stop himself from laughing, he tickled the back of her neck again. This time Rory couldn't help but let out a small giggle and turn to give him what was supposed to be a glare but came out in the form of a smile instead. She should have yelled but they were too close to graduating to be uptight about him interrupting her concentration.
"Miss Gilmore?" Max Medina called from the front of the class.
Both she and Tristan tensed, thinking he was going to yell at them for not paying attention. Instead she looked up to see the Headmaster's secretary waiting for her by the door. She frowned in confusion and got up. Knowing to follow the woman, she walked just outside the door to find her grandmother and her grandfather waiting. Both had red-tear streaked faces. They had only just composed themselves moments before. Rory felt a sense of dread.
"Grandma, Grandpa, what's wrong?" she said hesitantly.
"Let's go to Headmaster Charleston's office," Emily suggested, gently taking Rory's arm to lead her away.
"No!" Rory said loudly, wrenching her arm away. "If you have something to tell me, just say it!"
The class inside suddenly became quiet. They strained their ears to hear what was happening outside the class. Tristan frowned. He had a bad feeling that something was not right. Max would have reprimanded the students and closed the door but he too was transfixed.
"Rory, today, your mother was coming over for her lunch break…" Emily began, drawing in a staggering breath as she felt the tears form again, "…she was driving and someone ran a red light." She paused, trying to form the words.
Seeing his wife struggle Richard jumped in. "She was in a car accident."
Rory began to tremble nervously. As soon as the words left her tongue she regretted them. "Is she okay?"
Everyone inside the class sat in anticipation waiting for the answer. Tristan was on the edge of his seat with worry.
Emily's bottom lip quivered as she spoke. "There was so much blo…blood…and…she was so weak…"
Rory stood in shock. Crossing her arms as she felt a sudden chill she asked, "But she's going to be alright, right?"
Richard shook his head sadly. "She's gone."
Those two simple words left her breathless.
"No," she whispered weakly.
Tristan sat numb from the shock. So many emotions flooded him at once: pain, anger, and sadness. His fellow classmates were too shocked to speak. Max fell back on his desk and ran his hands through his hair frantically.
"I'm so sorry."
"Why? Why are you telling me this now?!" Rory yelled. "Why didn't you come get me when they brought her in?!"
Tristan was pulled out of his stupor and immediately stood up, knocking over his desk in the process. He didn't notice, all he could think about was getting to Rory.
"There wasn't any time…" Emily trailed off.
"No! No!" Rory began to hyperventilate. "No, this isn't happening…it's not…" She choked on her sobs.
Her legs gave out, as she collapsed. Tristan reached out and caught her. Together, they slowly sank to the ground, both crying.
"Oh God, oh God…no…why?" Rory mumbled. "It's not fair…why…I didn't even get to say goodbye…oh God…please let this…be a dream."
He held her, gently stroking her hair in an effort to comfort her as her small body was racked with sobs. She fervently shook her head, trying to wake up from such a nightmare. She clung to him tightly, too afraid to leave his embrace. Together they rocked back and forth as their combined sobs echoed in the halls.
Tristan pulled himself from those memories. He raised a hand to wipe away his tears that seemed to never stop and left the kitchen. He had to find her.
~~~~~~~~`
Luke ran past as he saw Tristan searching through the dining hall. Instead, he ran down the hallway to the guest rooms. He frantically called out her name. He sobbed and felt his knees go weak. He leaned against the wall and slid down into a sitting position. He remembered how he had found out. A hysterical Tristan had called, begging him to come to Hartford, that Rory needed him and Jess. The boy didn't say why and now Luke was thankful he didn't. There was no way they would have made the one-hour drive. Had he known, he would have been filled with pain and unable to drive straight.
"Please God," he said out loud, "don't take her away. You took my angel, the love of my life, please don't take away the only other angel I have left," he pleaded.
Getting up he was more determined that before.
~~~~~~~~`
"Rory!" Jess called out. He had looked everywhere outside the main building, everywhere but…the tool shed!
Taking off in a run he headed in the direction of the old potting shed where the Gilmore women used to live. He slowed down and entered the shed slowly and he saw her sitting in the corner rocking back and forth tears streaming down her face as she shook her head slowly, looking out the window. He dropped his eyes to the floor in front of her. Empty pill bottles littered the floor surrounding an assortment of pills all lined up in a row. She didn't know which pills were for what; instead she reasoned that if she took enough of them, it would get the job done. She had yet to notice Jess and he had yet to make a move towards her.
"It'll all be okay in just a few minutes…no more pain," she whispered gently and reached for the first pill.
Jess saw this and sprung forward.
"Rory! No!"
She jumped in shock and her eyes widened in panic. She grabbed more pills and hurriedly tried to shove them in her mouth.
"No! Stop it!" he said, pulling her hand away from her face and forcing the pills out of her mouth. "What are you doing? Stop it!"
"No! No leave me alone!" she sobbed.
"God, please Rory, stop this! Why are you doing this?!" he yelled angrily.
She sobbed and began to take short and rapid breaths. "I…don't want…to feel the…pain anymore." Her sobs interrupted her speech.
"Rory, that's not the way to end your pain." he said gently pulling her in his arms.
"No, no!" she shook her head violently. "I don't…I don't want to…live." She fought against him.
"You have to! Your mother wouldn't want you to! Do you want to disappoint her by doing this?!" he asked, his anger returning.
"My mother!" she shouted. "My mother is dead! I don't want to live without her! I'm not supposed to!" She went weak and let Jess rock her back and forth. "It's not fair! I…I didn't even get to say-to say-goodbye!"
"I know. I know, ssh, it will be all right. It has to."
"No, it's not! It can't!" she argued. "I have no reason to live!"
"I can't believe how selfish you are! Did you ever think of how much you would hurt all of us?! How much your family and friends love you?! You have plenty of reasons to live!"
"Name one!" she yelled, struggling against him again so she could reach the pills.
He slapped her hand away. "Tristan!"
"Tristan?" she said weakly.
"Yeah, your boyfriend! The one who loves you more than anything and would do anything for you. Don't deny it that you don't feel the same way for him. Without you he'll be a mess. He'll be in the same position you are in now!"
"But…"
"And your grandparents?"
"But…"
"They love you Rory! You are the only person who can fulfill their dreams of seeing the success of a grandchild. You are the only thing that saved your mother from the doomed life of a socialite. The only thing that brought her back to your grandparents to make things right! You are so important!"
"I'm sure…"
"And what about Luke? He loves you so much! So much that he was about to be your step-dad! You are the only thing that is stopping him from giving up completely! He loved Lorelai with all his being and he loves you just as much! You're the daughter that he never had!"
"Jess…" she began, but was interrupted again.
"Think about the ENTIRE town of Stars Hollow. You are the one person left in the town that understands the craziness and goes along with it despite that. They love you! We all love you!"
"No…"
"Think of me!" he said taking her face in his hands, forcing her to look in his eyes. "No one gave me a chance, they didn't have reason to but you saw past my image and listened to me! Now I'm asking you to listen to me again. Don't hurt yourself like this!"
She sniffled as if considering it for a minute then shook her head. "No! No, they'll get over it! They don't need me!" She made a grab for the pills.
"No!" Jess yelled, but he wasn't alone. The two looked up, startled by the arrival of a third person.
"Like hell we don't need you!" Tristan yelled. His eyes held anger and sadness. "Let her go," he ordered Jess.
"No, she'll…"
"Just do it," he hissed forcefully.
Reluctantly, Jess let go of Rory. She hurriedly crawled over and scooped up the remaining pills.
"I'm so sorry Tristan," She said sadly. "You'll find someone new."
He shifted his jaw and slowly nodded. He rolled up his sleeves and quickly pulled out a pocketknife. He opened it to the first blade and held it just above his wrist.
"Alright then. Let's do this," he said somberly.
"What are you doing?!" She exclaimed in panic.
"Do you really think I'm letting you do this alone?" He sniffled and didn't bother to wipe away the tears that fell. Taking a deep breath, he continued. "Jess is right, I love you. I love you so much that if you kill yourself right now I'll do the same."
"No! Tristan don't do this!" she pleaded. "You have your entire life ahead of you!"
"So do you!" he shot back. "Do you think you're the only one hurting?! I miss her too Rory! More than you know! And if you…" -his voice broke from sobs- "…if you leave me like this, I wouldn't be able to live! If you commit suicide so do I!"
"Tristan, please!" she sobbed, taking a step towards him, pills clenched tightly in her fist.
"Rory, I don't want…I don't want to die-but I don't want…to lose you either!" he cried. "If I have to do this, to be with you, I'll do it…One swift motion of my hands and," he gulped, "I'm right there with you."
"I don't want you to die," she whimpered.
"And I don't want you to die either." He took one step towards her. "How about we compromise? I won't do it if you don't."
Rory paused and thought about it. She turned around to see the now standing Jess look in her eyes.
"Please," he begged.
She turned back to look in his eyes. Every few seconds he would intake a stuttering breath but his gaze never faltered. He slowly nodded his head in reassurance. Looking down at her hand, she closed her eyes. Opening her trembling hand she slowly dropped the pills. The two boys let out sighs of relief. Tristan tossed the knife aside and closed the distance between them as she fell to the ground in her weakened state.
"I'll find Luke," Jess whispered and hurried off.
Tristan held her shaking form tightly and buried his face in her hair, his tears soaking the strands. She clung to him tightly.
"It's not fair! I didn't even get to say goodbye!" she moaned.
"It's okay, let it out," he soothed.
"She's supposed to be here for me when I grow up! She's supposed to see me graduate and go to college and get married! She's supposed to be a grandmother!"
"I know, I know." He gently stroked her hair.
"Why did God take her away?! It's not fair! I just want a chance-to tell her I love her one last time at least! I should have-I should have been there! She needed me-she needed me and I wasn't there to tell her…how much I love her!" she stuttered. "How am I supposed to live without her?"
"You won't have to face it alone. You have too many people here who love you too much to let you go through it alone. I'll always be there, I promise. It will hurt, the pain may never go away completely but she'll never leave you as long as she's in your heart and memories. Eventually, you'll be happy again, you'll move on. You'll move on but will never forget," Tristan answered.
"I just want to see her again."
"You will. When it's your time you'll go to Heaven and she'll be waiting for you. She'll be the first one to rush up to hug you and tell you how much she's missed you and had been watching over you. Then she'll probably rave about how heaven's coffee is fabulous because, let's face it, if Heaven doesn't have coffee then it's not heaven," he joked. Hearing a small giggle, he continued. "Then, you'll be together for all of eternity, surrounded by the ones you love the most. Nothing will ever be able to hurt you again." He pulled back and looked into her eyes, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. "But until then, please don't do this again. Promise me that you won't try to leave us like that again."
"Tristan…" she said hesitantly.
"Promise!" he said forcefully. "I don't think I could go through that again! Please, don't scare me like that again! Promise me you won't kill yourself!"
She sniffled and shook her head sadly. "I can't do that."
"Rory please." he begged.
"I can't. I can't promise you that." He looked down sadly. "But I will promise you that if I ever feel like that again, I'll talk to you, I'll let you try to talk me down. It's the best I can do."
Tristan nodded. "Promise?"
"Promise." she answered.
He kissed her forehead and pulled her back into a tight embrace.
A week later…Rory stepped forward and placed a single white rose on the gravestone.
"It's going to be hard without you Mom, but I'm going to try. I love you." she said quietly.
She stepped back and looked into Tristan's eyes. He gave her a nod of encouragement. Feeling a hand on her shoulder she looked into her grandmother's eyes before giving her a hug. Pulling back, she looked into the faces surrounding her. Tristan, Emily, Luke, Richard, and Jess all shared the same pain and love that she felt. She turned back to the gravestone.
Lorelai Victoria Gilmore
August 24, 1970-April 11th, 2002
Loving Mother, Great Friend, Precious Daughter
She closed her eyes and smiled sadly. ~I won't let you down, Mom~ she prayed silently. She took a breath of confidence and turned to the group. Together they walked away.
Lorelai sat on the headstone in a long white dress. A silent wind blew on her and made her seem even more angelic.
~I know you won't let me down, sweetie. I'll always be with you~ she whispered.
Rory turned around, she could have sworn she heard…Lorelai smiled at her daughter and waved. Rory returned the smile and nodded in a way of telling her she got the message. Lorelai blew her a kiss before fading away.
"You ready?" Tristan asked, holding his hand towards her.
She took his hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze.
"Yeah, I think I am. I think I finally am."
Author's Note: Okay, please don't flame. A portion of the above story is taken from real life so please, don't flame me. This is dedicated to my mother on the fifth anniversary of her death. She didn't die in a car accident but from cancer.
Nora S. Tilos Bukauskas
August 24, 1956-April 11, 1997
Ours for a while, God's forever
~Andrew, thank you for being there and thank you for not letting me give up. I won't break my promise. I think I'm finally ready to let go, to move on, but never forget~