Notes: Not mine, no profit garnered. You have to read Sometimes I Am Forgiveness for this to make any sense. Title and opening quote from Alisha Bruton's How Not To Clean A Fish. For the setting in the GWYO bingo setting card, seen at the bottom. I tried my best with the PSAT thing, but I'm sure errors crept in because I'm old and it was hard to google. I know Kerry didn't leave her husband Jerry (really, show? really?) until season 3, but I forgot writing season 1, so it's now in this AU's canon that it happens a year earlier. Thanks to A for beta help!

Warnings: references to sexual abuse, flashback in vague form to rape, mental illness.

I am a woman standing outside a house
wearing a fire and waiting on the flood

January 3rd to February 28, Paris:

Joey could see the Eiffel Tower over Ethan's shoulder. He was her height, not taller or shorter, and she had clear view as he kissed her neck and his hands were up her shirt, his fingers playing with her nipples. It felt electric. She felt electric, like everything was hyper real. She had a view of the Eiffel Tower. They'd been in Paris three days and Joey Potter was looking at the Eiffel Tower. It wasn't a set or a picture on green screen, it was the real Eiffel Tower.

Ethan was Ethan Park, of San Diego, California, and being Park, kept being sat next to Potter in their classes and was funny and sweet. He made her smile even when she was so nervous she would burst. This was their first time making out and she rocked against his hips, feeling how hard he was. The moon was behind the Eiffel Tower.

Ethan stepped back and said, "Whoa, we should slow it down." He rubbed his hands on jeans and adjusted himself.

"Yeah," she said. "You're totally right." She was upstairs and tucked into her dorm bed before she even thought about Dawson. She was horrible, she was an awful person. She was an awful person in Paris. Dawson would understand.

Joey was the only one of the 50 kids in the program from a city no one had ever heard of. Everyone else was from Oakland, Des Moines, Seattle, even New York City and Los Angeles. Joey said "Capeside" and everyone looked at her like she was a country hick about to bust her overalls and straw hat. She gritted her teeth and felt herself shifting into her fighting stance, as Dawson called it. The part of her that wouldn't back down or take no for an answer. At least it was good for her grades.

Only a third of the kids passed the French proficiency exam. They all got to take all their classes in French and were immediately complete snobs about the whole thing. Joey literally never spoke to any of them again for the whole trip, by their choice, not hers.

Joey took two hours of French every morning, and then in the afternoon they had English classes and European History classes. There was tons of homework. They all lived in a dorm together and as Ethan joked, they walked around Paris with big neon signs saying fifteen year old tourists. Most days, even on the weekend, Joey ate all three meals at the dorm cafeteria. She wasn't made of money, she had some from Bessie but she felt guilty using it because she felt like she was taking food from Alexander. Mostly she had the traveler checks from Mr and Mrs Leery that she spent sparingly.

Pacey had apparently hooked everybody with email addresses from the community college because she got emails from everybody nearly every other day. Even Dawson. He sounded sad then distracted. He stopped writing pages and pages after the first two weeks. He was getting over her, she was sure.

She would get up, shower, and get dressed staring out her window. Sometimes she thought if someone looked up they would see her naked for part of that, but it was only the city looking back at her. It was Paris. Joey Potter was in Paris. She reviewed her notes at breakfast, went to class, earned her As, went back to the dorm for lunch, reviewed her notes, went to her classes, earned her As. Then she did her homework and tried to read ahead. She checked her email at the computer lab in the basement of the dorm.

She was the happiest she'd been since her mother had died. She didn't want to admit it, because she'd been really happy when she and Dawson were first dating, but this was Paris. She was also incredibly lonely. She'd hung out with Ethan and made out with him and she tried to make friends. She wrote to Jen, I suck at making friends.

Jen answered in her email: You and me both. I don't know what I would have done if Grams didn't live next door to Dawson and therefore ensure I met you and Pacey.

She and Ethan went out to a cafe for dinner. They were both overachievers so they brought some of their homework to talk about. Joey had told him about her study group at home. Ethan left as soon as they finished eating. Joey stayed. The wait staff didn't care since she kept ordering cappuccinos. She was likely going to vibrate her way home.

She looked around realized as homesick as she was, she was still doing it. She was lonely, but she was here and succeeding. She'd told her father she hated him and she felt like he couldn't have loved her. He couldn't have acted like he did, done what he'd done, and loved her or Bessie or even her mother. He'd replied with some nonsense about the things humans are capable of.

But she was in Paris. Joey Potter, with the drug dealer dad from the country hick small town, she was in Paris. She couldn't help smiling.

She could get out. Getting out of Capeside had always felt like a goal and a dream, not a reality that she could have for herself. She didn't have to visualize what it would be like to live somewhere where she didn't know everyone and everyone didn't know her place, she was living it. She woke up to it every day. She was anonymous, the only history that mattered to anyone who met her was the one she supplied.

She went to the Louvre by herself. She just went and picked a room and sat there trying to absorb the art. It was overwhelming. It was beautiful and jarring and she couldn't even breathe looking at some of it. She went back every day.

After the first week, she bought a sketchpad and pencils, so she looked like all the art students she saw. She did the same things they did, she tried to figure out how they created that beauty. At then the end of her first month, she called Bessie and asked her to find an afterschool art class. "I bet you're as good as Mom," Bessie said.

She even managed to make a friend. She and another girl, Amy, liked to go running in the morning. Amy was from Detroit. They would practice their French and push each other to go faster. "So much butter," Amy said. "So much delicious butter in all our food."

Dawson emailed her a month into her trip to say he had a girlfriend. She read it numbly. She'd been making out with Ethan three days after she arrived. The night before she got the email, she'd given Ethan a handjob back at his dorm room. But he wasn't her boyfriend. They were like friends who made out. What happens in Paris stays in Paris, she thought.

She realized Pacey and Jen had probably been censoring their emails. She sighed. It made sense. They were good friends. She wouldn't really have wanted them to do anything differently.

A week before it was time to go home, Dawson emailed again to tell her he'd had sex. She wanted to reply that she didn't think much of his prose, way too over the top. But she might have written the same thing to him if it had been her.

She'd stopped talking to Ethan two weeks earlier when she found out he had a girlfriend. A girlfriend he was writing and calling and not mentioning the time he'd spent with his hand in Joey's panties.

Then it was time to go home. One last run with Amy. Finals she was sure she aced. One last afternoon sitting in Louvre. She was Joey Potter and she'd been in Paris. She didn't go home scared, she didn't curl into a academic ball and never go out.

She cried on the flight home and hoped no one noticed.

!

January 3rd:

"So," Jen said, looking over at Pacey, naked and sprawled against the tub. "We've been doing this a while, what's your favorite position?"

"I like," Pacey said, his hand idly touching his dick. "I like when you sit in my lap and on my dick and I can see your face and kiss you and hold your perfect tits."

"You're a poet," Jen said.

"The next DH Lawrence," Pacey said. "So what's yours?"

"With you, I'm going to admit I've found a new one. I love when we're both on our side, and you're behind me, and you fuck me like we're spooning."

Pacey crawled on his knees to her, kissing her. He said, "You're a very sentimental girl, Jen."

"Ha," she said. "With a new year, I think we need new challenges. How do you feel about tying me up?"

Pacey frowned and sat back. He looked troubled and Jen was furious. "Come on, Pacey, stop it. I hate when you analyze me and decide things about me and then you're so fucking judgmental."

"Hey, chill," Pacey said. "This is not about you. My distaste comes from my father's attempts to scare all of my sisters off sex forever. He and Dougie used to make sure to describe all the worst cases from Capeside to Boston to Providence and back again over dinner with significant glances at the girls about men like that. They all went on to have sex, mind you, but I managed to pick up a raging case of boner killing when it comes to tying up women."

"I'll accept that," Jen said. It sounded true. She said, "Can I tie you up?"

Pacey smiled. "Oh, that sounds fun."

The next night Jen used a robe tie from her home to tie Pacey's wrists together and then loop it around the faucet of the tub. He said, "This feels like a stress position for torture."

"Maybe," Jen said.

It was some of the best sex she'd ever had, really. She couldn't believe how hot it got her being completely in charge. Pacey seemed to love it, too.

Of course, the next day at school, he was complaining about his sore shoulders. She glared at him but he still said, "So very sore."

Dawson walked up and said, "Really? What from?"

"His counseling gig," Jen said. "He has to sit for hours."

"And they don't give us headsets," Pacey said.

Dawson said, "But some of those students have to be from Capeside. Wouldn't they remember a name like Pacey?"

"I was wondering that, too," Jen said.

"I use a different name," Pacey said.

"Is it Dawson?" Jen smirked.

"Actually it's Wyatt," Pacey said. "W like Witter makes it easier for me to remember."

"But you know their names," Dawson said.

"That's why they don't let just anybody do it," Pacey said.

"Hhiiiiiii," a blonde girl came in towards them, waving. "Dawson, are these your friends?"

The only reason Jen saw the teeny tiny shift in Pacey's eyes was because she was staring at him intently. Pacey said, "Dawson, did you say we liked you again? Man, you gotta stop telling people that."

Dawson smiled, he never took those things seriously. Jen thought she and Pacey would always wonder if that kind of joke was a hidden truth.

Dawson said, "This is Andie McPhee, she and her brother Jack just transferred this semester. She jumped out of her seat with glee when I mentioned study group."

"Man, we let *you* in," Pacey said to Dawson. "And you are a sad replacement for Joey."

"Don't I know it," Dawson said, still smiling. "But Andie is very focused on her studies."

"I really am," Andie said. "I take all my classes very seriously and I very much want to join your study group and study with you guys. I'm also bringing Jack, you'll like him. Everyone likes him," she said with a wide grin.

"Wait, so we're going from 3 to 5 people at my house once a week?" Jen looked at Andie, whose face comically fell.

"Should I have been asking you? I'm so sorry," Andie said. "Dawson! Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's right next door," Dawson said.

"Jen, don't tease the poor girl," Pacey said. "Of course you're welcome at study group. This is Jen, by the way, we meet at her house. Her grandmother makes snacks sometimes. I'm Pacey." He offered his hand and Andie shook it vigorously.

"Snacks are awesome! I can bring some," Andie said.

!

Pacey's job at the counseling center required a once a week meeting with one of the psych grad students who came down from Providence. Pacey was assigned to Brad, earnest African American. He had an accent like LL Cool J so Pacey assumed the guy was from Queens. Sometimes he felt like Dawson, constructing a whole story about a stranger and one that was probably completely and utterly wrong, shaped by all of Pacey's conscious and unconscious biases. Brad never talked about himself.

He got Pacey to talk, though. First it was his family, then it was Jen. Then back to his family. This week Pacey started with, "I've sort of become friends with a girl who's called in here twice, twice to me that I know of."

"Sort of?"

"My best friend Dawson is hot for her so he invited her to our study group and she wants to have friends so. Wait, that's not fair. She's pretty funny and I think Jen and Dawson genuinely like her," Pacey said.

"But not you," Brad said in his typical even tone.

"I don't dislike her, but I feel dishonest whenever I'm around her because I know all this stuff about her she wouldn't tell any of us. And I worry someone's going to mention I'm volunteering here and she'll feel like I kept it from her. It's been two weeks, I think I'm having nightmares about it."

"You're joking about the nightmares," Brad said. "So now you have to tell me what your most recent actual nightmare was about."

Pacey sighed. "I'm being forced underwater and no one is coming for me, and I see an octopus reaching for Jen and killing her. Then I woke up and I must have made some noise because Kerry knocked on the door and was actually nice. Then she said to keep it down next time so it didn't wake her kids."

Brad nodded. "You should tell Andie where you volunteer. Then make sure she knows you would never repeat anything you heard on the phone from someone calling in. She can draw her conclusions from there."

"That's a great idea, Brad. I should go to Brown University and get great ideas like that," Pacey said.

Brad stared at him. Pacey mumbled, "Sorry."

Brad said, "You know you make jokes like that because you expect me to think you would never get into a school like Brown. I think you're wrong, but I doubt you'll believe me. So head out, see you next week."

He told Andie the next day before their Spanish class. "See, the thing you should absolutely know is that I would never repeat anything said to me or even tell my friends if someone we knew had hypothetically called."

"So you'd just sit there and lord this knowledge over some poor unsuspecting person -"

"Hey, chill. Have you seen any lording over?"

Andie took a deep breath. She said, "No." She still walked huffily into Spanish and glared at him intermittently.

That night as he was leaving Jen's after a perfectly respectable dinner with Grams where the closest he came to sin was holding Jen's hand under the table, he ran into Dawson. "You were waiting for me," Pacey said, getting on his bike.

"Andie spent 25 straight minutes grilling me to see if you ever said anything about her to me. Do you know what that's about? Did you say something to her about me?"

"I have theories why she might be questioning you so closely, but who knows for sure? Maybe she can get extra credit for writing my biography. Possibly she likes you like you like her and she's trying to make sure she's getting the best friend seal of approval," Pacey said.

"That sounds nothing like Andie," Dawson said. He looked back at his house. "Do you really think she likes me?"

"Sure," Pacey said. "You like her, she's not filing for a restraining order."

"Come on, I'm not that bad," Dawson said.

Pacey laughed. "Yeah, you're not *that* bad. Okay. You don't spend part of every single day having deep philosophical discussions the likes of which you've only had before with Joey. It's every other day with Andie."

"She's pretty great," Dawson said.

"Except for the school part, almost the exact opposite of your last love of your life," Pacey said.

Dawson sighed. "I bet they have more in common than I think. I dunno, I get the impression Andie's super perky routine is a facade."

"Well, there's no point in puncturing her facade unless you're ready to help her. Don't do it for the point of solving a mystery," Pacey said. He was pretty sure he knew exactly what Andie was hiding and he really hoped she kept calling in when she felt bad.

"I wouldn't, Pacey," Dawson said. "Yes, I find her sexually attractive, but that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to who she is as a person. I haven't become some moral reprobate who uses women and tosses them aside."

"Sometimes," Pacey said, "You can just say you're hot for her." He had been biking in circles while Dawson talked but he had homework. "Like I am going to say gotta go, instead of I have more pressing matters at home I must attend to."

The next morning, Pacey heard his name called for a meeting in the principal's office, he automatically thought he'd done something. It took him a minute or two to remember he'd done nothing. Instead he found himself in a room with Andie and one of the class eggheads. The principal looked at Pacey oddly and then he said, "The PSAT results have come in this morning, you and your fellow students will get them later today but I've asked you all here because your scores were high enough that you, all of you, qualify as semifinalists for the National Merit Scholarships. Because the program weighs results by state, it is particularly difficult to qualify here in Massachusetts. "

Pacey said, "No shit?"

Andie was bounding up and down with glee again.

"Yes, Mr. Witter," the principal said, looking at him suspiciously. He handed Pacey his results. 221 out of a possible 240. Pacey just stared at the paper.

Andie came over and gave him a hug. "Your parents will be so happy," she said.

"That's not true at all," Pacey said. He turned to the principal and said, "Did Joey make it?"

"Yes, this school has 4 of you, which is the most we've had in many, many years. Including Josephine Potter."

He nodded and walked out numbly. It made no sense. Pacey was willing to acknowledge he was not as much of an imbecile as his parents and friends thought, but National Merit Semifinalist was insane.

Jen jumped up and kissed him at lunch. "I have the smartest boyfriend," she said, squealing. "Seriously, I knew you could do it."

Pacey said, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Dawson said, "I think it's fantastic, too." He was holding Andie's hand. "Pacey, it's great, for real. You were always capable of this, it's the smarts we all knew you had."

"Everyone's gonna ask how I cheated," Pacey said. "I think the principal almost did."

Andie said, "Look, Pacey, I know you need to adjust this score to your mental image of yourself, but you didn't cheat. Everyone at this table knows that."

Jack smirked at Pacey. "I'm not convinced."

"Jack," Andie said. "Take that back."

"I'm fine, Andie," Pacey said. "I get that Jack is joking, me smart, can read sarcasm and gentle mocking."

At his locker, later, Dawson came up to him. "So I asked her out," Dawson said.

Pacey said, "I'm shocked. Did she say yes? Cause that would be shocking, too."

"I know, I know, it's a predictable cliche, but something about us really clicks to me," Dawson said. "She's beautiful, she makes me laugh, we talk for hours."

"Is that because she talks for 90% of the time?" Pacey grinned.

"She's chatty," Dawson said, smiling. "She's hyperverbal. I like it. She rambles and she has these hilarious tangents, and she has a huge heart. She's great."

"I'm glad for you," Pacey said.

Dawson patted Pacey's shoulder. "I know you're worried about how your parents will react, Pace. Even if they don't say it, seriously, we're proud of you."

Jen dragged him to her home after school. "Grams is back in two hours. We have time for celebratory sex with my genius boyfriend," Jen said.

"Finally, part of this that makes sense and I can enjoy," Pacey said.

He went down on her and she moaned for nearly a minute when she came. She sat up unsteadily and said, "I'd give that a 240. Come over here and let's fuck in your favorite position."

"You're my favorite girl," Pacey said. It was pretty magnificent sex.

So he was only slightly off-kilter when he got home. He was sure somehow he would get in trouble for this. He went straight to his room and studied. Then it was dinner time. Pacey sat down in his normal seat, away from his father, Dougie and his mother. He liked sitting at the end with Kerry's kids. After the first few minutes of general chatter, Pacey forced himself to speak up. He said, "Hey, we got PSAT results."

Pacey's father said, "How badly did you do?"

"You know, you should know I love you, Pacey, your results don't change my opinion of you, no matter how bad," his mother said.

Kerry took the paper from his hand. She said, "Oh my God, Pacey, you did so good! Did you make National Merit?"

"Yeah, one of four at Capeside," Pacey said. Kerry got up and hugged him.

"Mom, Dad, Pacey did amazing. 221 out of 240. He did better than 90% of the kids who took it this year," Kerry said. She even kissed his cheek before she sat down. She even told her kids to say 'Congratulations.'

Pacey's father stared suspiciously and said, "You can tell us the truth, Pacey, did you cheat?"

Pacey took a deep breath and stood up. He could literally feel something snap, hard and painful in his chest.

"Fuck you," he said. He went to his room and grabbed all his books and some clothes and shoved them in a bag. He got on his bike and headed fast anywhere else. No one tried to stop him.

He had reached that part of the creek. Jen or Dawson? Dawson was a sure thing, Grams much less so. But Grams had more empty rooms. She could lock him in so he didn't molest Jen. (He would never touch Jen that way, never ever.) He knocked on the door and Grams came. She looked at him with suspicion.

He started to say something and remembered what his dad had said and it all just came out blubbering. Grams hugged him and led him in. She said, "Jennifer told me about your accomplishment. She was very proud."

Pacey sniffled and tried to say something coherent. He rubbed at his eyes to try to act like some kind of man.

"I assume your parents were less than supportive," Grams said. There was a tinge in her voice that made him suspect Grams was not a fan of his family. Grams hugged him again. She patted his hair. He tried to remember when anyone besides Gretchen or Jen had done that to him. She said, "It would be improper to have you stay here while you're dating Jennifer." He started to pull away. She said, "To stay for long. Sometimes distance can help a family work things out. There's a room on the second floor, on the other side of Jennifer's. Why don't you lay down and get some sleep?"

Pacey nodded and did what she said. Grams woke him up at some point. She said, "I called your parents. I spoke to your mother." Grams inhaled sharply. "We can talk about that more. But you are certainly welcome here for the week. I just ask, please, don't have sex with my granddaughter in the house while you are here."

"Okay," Pacey said. "You don't have to do this."

"I don't believe that's true," Grams said. "I don't know if you share Jennifer's disdain for the Bible and God, but if you won't make fun of an old lady, I will tell you that when I prayed on this, I knew it was right to take you in."

"No making fun," Pacey said.

Next time he woke up Jen was snuggled up next to him. He could feel her through the blanket. He said, "I promised Grams no sex in the house."

"That was very sweet of you," Jen said. "But I'm lying on top of the blanket and you're under it and we're just sleeping." She kissed his forehead. "I'm so so sorry your parents are assholes."

"I just couldn't take it," Pacey said. "I've been working so hard this year, and he just assumes, both of them. Even my sister was proud of me, but they couldn't muster up anything."

"Grams bought me the expensive coffee for my 210," Jen said. "She actually yelled at your mother."

"That's nice," Pacey said.

"I haven't heard Grams that mad since this particular incident at the church sewing bee."

"She was mad for me?"

Jen sighed. "You sure you want the rest of this story?"

"Okay," Pacey said, heavily.

"Your mother apparently said you running away was proof you cheated, and Grams raised her voice and talked about anyone who paid any attention to you this year would have seen you studying and she herself, Grams, had heard you helping other students and having engaging discussions about all sorts of books and while you, by which I mean Pacey, are completely wrong about Jane Eyre, it should be easy for anyone to see how smart you are. Then Grams ended with a 'if you had been better parents, and supported him academically, you wouldn't be surprised by these scores.' Only more polite and somehow meaner," Jen said. "I wish I knew how to do that."

Pacey nodded. He was never going back to that house, ever. It was a numb feeling; he'd left his family. He wasn't going back. He didn't want to see his parents in particular ever in his life and it wasn't teenage angst, it felt like self-defense as awful as that was.

He was probably over-reacting. They were neglectful, they had no faith in him, but they'd never hit him. Dougie had told him about a family in Capeside that looked respectable on this outside, but locked their youngest daughter in the basement and starved her. All the kids were in the Orphan House now. The Witters weren't that bad.

He could hear his father tell him to stop being so fucking sensitive. He should toughen up.

He shook it off.

He biked to school the next day. He kept expecting his dad or Dougie to come by or the principal to announce some investigation into his scores. None of that happened.

His group of friends were all very happy for him and his newly minted super smart status and carefully not mentioning that he had run away even though all of them clearly knew. Everyone in the school knew which Pacey should have found mystifying but then he figured his mother was probably bragging about it. Finally Pacey had sunk to exactly the level she had always expected him to, and she loved him but what could you expect from Pacey?

Dawson said, "Pacey, if you need another place to stay, the one thing the Leery parents agree on is you always have a room with us."

"Thanks," Pacey said. "They really don't agree on anything else?"

Dawson shrugged. He said, "They both think the moon landing is real."

After school, Pacey biked to the counseling center. Brad was there and waved him over. "Your brother was in here," he said.

"Are you fucking kidding me? He can't be bothered to actually talk to me, but he can come here and rat me out?"

Brad just looked at him, calmly. "Come back here, you're not getting on the phones today."

Pacey slouched in the chair, so angry he could scream or cry. Brad said, "Tell me what happened."

Pacey told him, swearing a little, trying not to betray the lump in his throat. He mentioned he was probably being too sensitive and saw Brad frown, a rare occasion.

Brad said, "What if someone had called in to you, that this had happened to them. What would you say?"

Pacey looked up at the ceiling. He should never have gotten this job. It wasn't like he was even good at it. He said, "I would tell them to take a few deep breaths, see if there was someone they could talk to. Then get the fuck out of the house, obviously."

Brad sighed. "Your parents often act in an abusive way towards you. You aren't wrong to want to break free. There aren't a lot of options for that at age 15."

"They're not abusing me," Pacey said.

"Yeah, they are," Brad said. "So why don't you take this week to do some filing, get your hours in, and stay off the phones until you have a more stable living situation."

"Why don't I," Pacey grumbled.

After his three hours were done, he biked to Jen's home. Grams had made an incredible dinner. Jen said, "I'm glad you're here, she doesn't cook like this for me."

"Shush, Jennifer, I do," Grams said.

After dinner he went to his room to study. After he'd finished everything, he laid on his bed, in the dark, thinking about what Brad had said. He knew the definition of abusive was bigger than locking your children to starve in the basement or hitting them. He talked to kids about that on a lot of calls. He'd been through the training. Unconditional love, that was what parents were supposed to do. To date, in his life, he only had Gretchen and maybe Jen.

!

It was distinctly weird having Pacey at the breakfast table in the morning. Grams was so nice to him, too. Jen was definitely jealous.

She was also so so sad at how eagerly Pacey lapped up Grams acting like he was a person and someone worth loving. She knew he was insecure, but it was so nakedly obvious how little love he had at home. She really hated how similar they were.

She really wished they had made things better for each other.

"I hate that Pacey's so miserable," Jen said.

Dawson said, "I always thought he'd be happier away from his parents, maybe it just takes time to kick in. A few more days of not being belittled and underestimated and the joy might bloom up."

"I'm sure they're trying their best," Andie said.

Jack said, "Sometimes that doesn't matter and you know it."

Jen decided to ignore the undercurrents there. She'd heard rumors that the McPhees had 'trouble' in the family, but for once, she stuck with Grams's philosophy and ignored all gossip about people she liked. She was judging them by the people they were to her.

Pacey kissed her as he headed off, "There's lots of filing for the poor little runaway," he said.

She was ambling home slowly, thinking about emailing Joey who would be no help. A police car pulled up beside her. She turned with a frown and there was Doug.

"Screw off," she said.

"Jen, I am trying to help here," Doug said. He stopped the car in the front of her.

"By reporting on Pacey to the center?"

"Oh, you mean when I went to the place they talk to troubled kids and told them they should talk to my brother who is troubled?"

"You probably think he cheated, too," Jen said. "He didn't. At all. It's awful you think that."

"I don't think he cheated," Doug said, sighing. "I'm just trying to help and give everyone a chance to calm down."

"Pacey doesn't need to calm down, he needs decent parents and a family who supports him," Jen said.

"I know you think that," Doug said, gritting his teeth. "How about, instead of fighting over that, Pacey moves in with me? He can sleep on the couch."

"Why would he want to do that?"

"Because then he would be living with family -"

"So much less embarrassing for the sheriff," Jen said.

"Unlimited access to the bathroom where you two have been having sex for months," Doug said.

"We clean up," Jen said.

"Look, Jen, would you please tell him, and have him talk to me?"

"Fine," Jen said.

Pacey was actually amenable to the whole thing. Jen worried he was going to relent on his parents. She had been wishing so hard he would get away from them. She resented the hell out of the way that he kept judging her for things he thought had happened to her. Pacey, though, he would never admit his parents were abusive, he could barely call them shitty. He thought he saw so clearly about her, but he had blinders on about his own family.

She went with Doug when the Witter house was empty to get all of Pacey's things. "I'll take under the bed," Doug said. "He might have some boys only material down there."

"You mean all the Playboys?" Jen smiled as she looked through his desk. "I only look at them for the articles."

Stuffed towards the back of the bottom drawer was the treasure trove she was thought Pacey would die if she saw. Pictures of Pacey and Dawson at 8, 10, even 6. Notes he'd kept, random things like Mitch writing "welcome pacey" on a napkin. There was even two notes from Joey's mom. He'd kept movie tickets from all of their dates, Jen noticed. 5 or 6 dumb notes she'd slipped in his locker to say she'd see him later.

She thought how everything like this that she had was from before she was 12 or after she'd come to Capeside.

!

"You know, Andie was talking about sex," Dawson said.

Pacey looked up from the TV in Dawson's room. They were watching a movie for class. Pacey had actually read the book as well, but Dawson kept going on what a masterpiece the movie was. It was a nice distraction from all of Pacey's drama. Funny how everything happened and you left the family home for the brother's couch, you still got up in the morning, took a crap, and went to school.

Pacey said, "Having sex with you?"

"Yeah," Dawson said. "It's astonishing. We've really only been dating three weeks, I agree the connection is intense but does sex seem sudden? You and Jen waited for, what, 2 months?"

"One of us wasn't a virgin," Pacey said. "Don't compare my relationship to yours, we're pretty different people."

"Ever since I met her mother, I do feel like I love her, like she could be the one. She's so strong and she deserves to be with someone who recognizes how wonderful she is. Aren't you the one who's always telling me to stop waiting for the picture perfect romantic moments?"

Pacey said, "Joey is, but I can understand why you don't want her opinion here. I guess I would make sure, if I were you, that this is something Andie really wants not something she feels she has to do to measure up to other people or to try to be normal even though her mother is ill."

"She's not sick," Dawson said. "That sounded like something they teach you to recite at the counseling center."

"Mental illness is still illness," Pacey said. "There's a lot of brain scans and other studies that indicate physical signs of depression and other disorders. That's why they can keep making medication and get better."

"More wisdom from the counseling center?"

"Yup, day 1 of training. A lot of kids call in because they're embarrassed or they think taking their medication is some kind of compromise of will. They want to be stronger. They think they're weak and they'll never write a decent novel. Like they were going to before. And it's like, if you were diabetic, would you be calling me to say you can live without insulin?" Pacey was barely paying attention to the so called cinematic masterpiece.

"It's a lot to process," Dawson said.

"Andie doesn't get to choose to process it, you know," Pacey said.

"She called into the hotline, didn't she? That's why she grilled me if you had said anything about her," Dawson said.

"All I will say is if she did, I am not going to repeat any of it ever," Pacey said.

Dawson looked over at him and then back at the TV. "Sometimes I miss Pacey the screw up," Dawson said.

"Thanks a lot," Pacey said. He stared at the screen wondering what the woman had been saying before.

"But I like Pacey who knows his own worth a lot better, I swear," Dawson said. "I miss when we all had our roles hammered in place, which is stupid, because of course we were all going to grow up and you're growing up good, better than I am."

"Okay, genuine thanks," Pacey said. "Don't underestimate the guy Dawson Leery is growing up to be, though."

He biked to his new home at Doug's. He was almost asleep on the couch when Doug got in. He pretended to be asleep when he heard Doug talking to someone. He wanted to cover his ears when he realized it was his father.

"Dad, I don't need the money," Doug said.

"It's really Pacey's," the Sheriff said. "I made him pay me all those fees for the PSAT. He'll eat you out of house and home soon enough."

"You could wake him up and tell him yourself," Doug said.

"Your mother and I have talked about this. We're not in the wrong here, Doug." Pacey was almost sure he heard something like doubt in his father's voice. Fucker. Pacey's father would pick virtually anyone over Pacey.

"Yeah, it's much more important being right than taking care of your kid," Doug muttered as their father had left.

Pacey waited until Doug was in the bathroom to wipe at his face.

In the morning, he sat next to Jack on the school steps, waiting for everybody else. Pacey said, "How come you didn't come in with Andie?"

"She wanted five more minutes, so I said screw it and grabbed my bike," Jack said. "How's the counseling center?"

"I'm back on the phones so that's nice. I actually like the part where I get to pretend to be wise and give condescending advice," Pacey said.

"I bet it's not condescending," Jack said. "Or wise."

"Ha ha ha. You still working at the Icehouse?"

"It's a job," Jack said. "Not one I'm good at but I'm getting there."

Jen and Dawson came up, followed up by Andie who was squealing to get to Dawson. Jen sat down on Pacey's lap and kissed him scandalously. "Hey," Jack said. "I'm the only one here with no one to cuddle, so can you at least spare me the PDA?"

"PDA is my favorite kind of DA," Jen said, wiggling on Pacey's lap. Pacey thought about his mother and then stood up.

Pacey liked Jack, he seemed like a good guy. It was nice to have a guy friend who managed to speak in fewer SAT words than Dawson. Jack didn't have that golden boy glow, either. Pacey liked Dawson's glow, it was nice to have a little reflected light. He just liked someone he could shoot the shit with.

Andie was sweet, unbearably perky, way too driven about school and prone to being anxious about everything. He liked her, too. He wondered sometimes, idly, if he hadn't had Jen and Dawson hadn't been single, if he and Andie could have had a thing. Maybe. But that was probably true of everyone.

Not Abby Morgan, he thought. Nothing would ever happen there.