A/N: I wrote this months and months ago, inspired by a conversation with Andeh, and a HP trivia quiz on bebo, and just found it on my computer, so here it is. Usually I would update the author note, but all the ancient in-jokes make me laugh, so it's actually intact. We're pretty funny... to ourselves anyway XD
Disclaimer: I does not own.
Warning: Slash, swearing, vulgarity overall.
Dedicated: To Andy-Randy-Panties, my wifey. Know what inspires me? You...r penish. x3 but dammit, no matter how good you England, I'm not writing you Sirius/James.
At least, not unless you get me even drunker... but then I wouldn't even be able to spell penish. It'd be all peweeee3enieiggggshhhhhhh!
Big Black
"Hey there, Rem." Sirius grinned, plopping down on the sofa next to his best friend. Remus looked up from his book, rolled his eyes, then looked back down.
"So who was she this time?"
"Um... Sa...mantha... something. Hufflepuff. Great body. Good with her hands." Sirius grinned, waggling his eyebrows.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Less details, please. I don't need to hear all about it every time you have a quick shag in the broom closet."
Sirius flexed his muscles, ignoring the lycanthrope. "You know what she called me?"
"Something that'd undoubtedly make me retch?" Remus raised an eyebrow.
"Big Black." Sirius said, ignoring Remus again. "I like that, think it'll catch on?"
"I hope not, for my sanity." Remus sighed, still trying in vain to read his book.
"Big Black. Yeah. You've gotta start calling me it, Rem!" Sirius said excitedly.
"No. And you've got to stop calling me Rem. I've told you I don't like it." Truth was, Remus loved it, but he'd never in a million years let Sirius know that.
"Never!" Sirius grinned. "I'll stop calling you Rem if you call me Big Black."
"Why would I call you Big Black? Sure don't look very big to me." Remus smirked, and Sirius blanched slightly. Grinning at this reaction, Remus went on.
"Slightly below average Black, maybe. Or what about Pencil-Dick Black?"
Sirius paled even further, but then to Remus' horror, an evil smirk crept over his face, the smirk Remus had seen so many times when Sirius had come up with a particularly nasty prank to pull.
"So, you've been looking, then eh Remmie?"
'Shit. Shit shit shit buggary arse shit.' "Um... no?"
Sirius laughed. "You're a horrible liar, Moony. I take it you liked what you saw then?"
"Um... no?"
"Moony thinks I'm ho-ot, Moony thinks I'm ho-ot, neener neener neener, Moony thinks I'm ho-ot." Sirius got up and sang, dancing around Remus' sofa. Remus attempted to hide his face with his book, silently thanking the gods that the common room had been empty for hours. It was very late on a Sunday night before exams, and all the Gryffindors but them were in bed.
"Sit down, you berk." Remus rolled his eyes, grabbing Sirius' tie and yanking him easily over the back of the sofa, to land in an ungraceful heap on the sofa cushions.
"Ow. Git." Sirius grumbled.
"Awww, did the nasty wolfy hurt Big Black? Poor diddums." Remus smiled condescendingly.
"You said it! You said it! I win!" Sirius grinned, injuries forgotten as he stood up and jumped around once more. Remus rolled his eyes.
"I repeat, I'm not gonna call you something that's not true." Remus sighed, gently putting his book aside to keep it from Sirius' path of destruction.
"But it issss! And you know it, you looooked, remember?" Sirius leered. "Hell, I'll bloody prove it to you if you want!" Remus' eyes flew wide as Sirius reached for his fly.
"WHAT?! NO Sirius, leave your trousers ON."
"Not unless you say you'll call me Big Black."
"Or you could just stop acting like an idiot?"
"Does idiot sound anything like Big Black?" Sirius grinned, fingers closing on the button of his trousers.
"NO!" Remus cried again, and without thinking, reached out to stop him...
...and wound up with a handful of Sirius.
Both boys froze, faces flaming red. This was... not what had been planned at all. Neither of them quite dared to move, for fear of what would happen next. Eventually though, Remus gathered himself and let go quickly.
"...sorry. I'm going to bed." He jumped up, heading speedily to the stairs. When he reached the door to the boys dormitory, Sirius grabbed his wrist.
"Rem, wait-" He said, then said nothing more as Remus spun around to face him, and it somehow wound up that he was pressing the shorter boy into the probably uncomfortable door.
Years from then, Sirius would not remember what he had meant to say to Remus in that second, nor would he care. It would have only caused more complications, anyway. Instead he leaned in to the beautiful werewolf, pressing his lips firmly against the other's.
Remus let out a small squeaking noise of surprise, followed by a low moan as he returned the kiss, his arms finding their way around Sirius' neck. Sirius' hands ran down the front of Remus' shirt and then up the inside, tweaking softly at his nipples. This made Remus inhale sharply through his nose and give a loud, high pitched whimper. Grinning internally, Sirius did it again, combining it with a stroke of his tongue against Remus'. Remus gave a low, lusty growl, and suddenly Sirius found himself being pressed onto the sofa, Remus' tongue ravaging his mouth.
"MmmmmRem." He muttered against the Prefect's mouth, and at once Remus sprang off him.
"Sirius...I..."
"Need to stop worrying and keep kissing me? Damn straight, my good fellow."
"Hardly." Remus smiled, pressing soft lips to Sirius' once again.