A/N: Okay. Not only is this my first story on fanfiction, it is also my first FullMetal fanfic, my first slash fanfic (I write orginal gay romance fics), AND the only fanfic I've written in over two years. Wow. Hope it's up to scratch. No real plot so far, any suggestions of what you'd like to see are welcome. I think Edward might be a bit OOC, I was concentrating so hard on getting Roy right… and I'm not even sure I did that. Please review, and please don't flame. I gave fair warning in the summary of the pairing. I'm pretty nervous about posting this up, so I really, really hope you like this!

Chapter One

Edward Elric pushed open the office door, grumbling under his breath. Time for some more verbal abuse from Colonel Sarcasm. Roy Mustang stood by the window, hands pressed to the sill, back facing the door.

Ed was about to flop down on the couch like normal when he noticed something. Mustang's shoulders were shaking slightly, and he didn't seem to have heard Ed come in.

The Colonel was… crying.

Ed was frozen for a moment, shocked. He hadn't thought Mustang capable of human emotion, save that weird kind of manic happiness brought on by stress. He seemed suspended in a constant state of smugness.

"Mustang?" Ed said quietly. He knew he should go before this got any more awkward, but something made him stay.

"Leave, Fullmetal. Now." Mustang's voice sounded tired and strained, slightly thick with emotion. "I'll… I'll talk to you later."

Again, even though Ed knew he should leave, he did not. He walked over to the window. "Is something wrong?" He said it just as softly. Maybe he didn't like the Colonel so much, but he knew him well enough to know how upset he must be to actually cry. Ed didn't want anyone to be that hurt. And suddenly the Colonel wasn't the Colonel anymore. He was just someone who needed help.

Mustang sighed. "Just leave… please." His voice caught in his throat.

Through the Colonel's ebony hair -this close up it looked like silk- Ed could see the tear tracks on his pale cheeks, and there were wet spots on his collar where they had fallen. "What's the matter?"

Roy looked at Ed through his hair. The younger alchemist did not look mocking and angry like he normally did. His eyes were wide and honest, almost inviting confidence.

Roy felt compelled to talk, as he hadn't in years. "It's… nothing, Fullmetal. I'm just… thinking." He took a deep breath. "About the Eastern rebellion. About the Ishbal Rebellion."

"Does it still effect you so badly?" Ed still used that same soft tone. For some reason, all of the bitter anger he usually carried around was gone.

Roy smiled. "You wouldn't understand, Fullmetal. You've never been to war."

"I've seen things too." Ed said, just the slightest bit of anger creeping back into his voice. He didn't want his problems belittled as nothing!

"I know, Ed. I know." Now it was Mustang's voice that was soft. His eyes were downcast, staring at his hands that still rested on the windowsill.

Ed opened his mouth to speak, then realized something and closed it again in surprise. Had Mustang just called him Ed? Not Fullmetal, but his actual name? Finally he found his voice. "Did you… did you just call me Ed?"

Roy gave a small sad smile, the corners of his mouth turning up just slightly. "Yes… I did. We seem to have thrown all formality aside, so I thought… why not…"

"Do you… want me to call you Roy, then?" Ed said it almost before he knew what he was saying. He blushed, realizing it probably wasn't a good thing to say.

Roy's smile got just a little less slight. "If you like."

Ed wanted to say something. For some reason, he wanted to make Roy happy. "You know…" He began awkwardly. "Nothing in Ishbal was your fault…"

"Yes it was." Roy answered immediately, his voice cracking a little.

"You were under orders." Ed replied firmly. "It wasn't cold blood. It was what you had to do."

"It wasn't cold blood, you say? You weren't there Ed, it was a massacre. Maybe I was under orders, but my hands still did the deeds." His voice was becoming thick again, and a lone tear slipped down his now stained cheeks. This was so embarassing, crying in front of a subordinate… and Ed, at that.

"No one would blame you."

"Are you joking? Every one of them blamed me. In the seconds before they were burnt to cinders, they died cursing my name. As they ran from their burning homes into the streets to be shot, they wished me death. And those few Ishbalians who survived? They blame me with every fiber of their being!" His voice sounded slightly hysterical, more tears ran down his cheeks, hot and wet. His hand on the windowsill curled into a fist and he banged it on the wood in frustration.

Then, he felt arms encircling his waist. One soft and warm, one hard and unfeeling. He looked down at Ed's blonde head, now resting against his shoulder. The comforting embrace was so sudden, so… welcome. People were always afraid to touch Roy, even if they knew he was upset, even his friends. But Ed, in all his insolence, had given him what he had needed most. What no one else had dared to give him.

Roy's body went stiff for a moment, from shock, but then he relaxed into the hug, gently wrapping his arms around Ed's back, leaning his head down to rest it against Ed's. The body heat was comforting, the warmth of another human being. Roy's tears dripped slowly into Ed's golden hair. "Thank you." He said quietly, as he ran his hand down the younger alchemist's back.

For a few moments, they stayed there. Then Roy sighed again, letting his hand linger on Ed's back as he pulled away.

Ed hitched back that confident smirk, and only if you looked very hard could you tell he was putting up a façade. "How long has it been since you've gotten a hug, Roy?" Ed said the name with slight hesitation, as though he were testing it out.

Roy smiled at the sound of his name on Ed's tongue. At first he didn't answer, unsure of how to word this. "This might be difficult for you to understand, but I… don't really have anyone." He finished in a rush, then sighed.

Ed's eyes went wide again. "No family? But you have friends…"

Roy shook his head. "Ed, even my friends are afraid of me. The only friends I have are subordinates, and they're not… friends like most people would call them. The only real exception is Maes… I mean, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes. We were roomates in the academy, he knows I'm not that scary… but something made him think I don't like human contact."

"What did you do?"

"He must have hugged me when I was in a bad mood, and I scalded him. I know he used to, now he doesn't. People are afraid of me, Ed. Everyone is." Roy looked straight into Ed's eyes, giving him a secret smile. "Except you."

"You don't have a girlfriend?" Ed said, slightly incredulously.

Roy laughed. Not just chuckled, actually laughed. Ed raised an eyebrow, not getting the joke. "Sorry, sorry. It's funny, though. You see, I don't even like women. I just pretend I do. I don't really care if they wear miniskirts or not, contrary to popular belief. It's funny to see how well my ruse worked."

Ed's mouth had involuntarily fallen open. "You mean… you like… men?" The last word came out as a squeak.

Roy nodded, still chuckling to himself. "I prefer men. I've been with women before, of course. I just prefer men. How about you, Ed? Do you have a preference?"

Ed went pink and mumbled something under his breath.

It was Roy's turn to raise an eyebrow. "What was that, Ed?"

Ed blushed harder. "I… er… I like men too." He said hastily, looking like he wanted to disappear into the floor.

Roy started to laugh again. "Oh, Ed, it's nothing to be embarassed about!"

"Says he who pretends to sleep with a different woman every night!" Ed snapped, glowering at Roy.

"Calm down. I mean not in front of someone who's the same way." Roy suddenly turned sympathetic. "Have people bothered you about it in the past?"

Ed shook his head, arms crossed over his chest. "Never been anywhere long enough for someone to find out. His cheeks turned pink again. "Except… except in Zematine (sp?). Those brothers who were impersonating me and Al… the older one came onto me…" He went bright red and hid behind his hair.

Roy smiled. "And did anything come of it? Are you sending love letters I'm not aware of?" He was teasing slightly now, and he knew it, but he wanted to lighten the situation.

"No." Ed grunted, obviously embarassed. "When.. when we parted at the station, he pulled me where our brothers couldn't see and kissed me. He said if I ever needed someone I could come and find him."

"And what did you say?"

"I said we'd probably never see each other again. He agreed, his feelings weren't hurt." Ed sighed, then glared at Roy. "Hey! Why are you so interested, anyways?"

"Just making conversation." Roy said non-chalantly.

"What about you then?" Ed said quickly. "Have you ever had someone special?"

"Hmm. Is that exactly your business, Ed?" Roy smirked.

"Hey!" Ed whined, going red again. "I told you! I told you everything!"

"Woah. I was just teasing. I'll tell you." Roy's smug smirk turned into a smile. "One guy has gotten into my heart before. Just one, Ed. After him, I don't know if I can love again. I met him just after I joined the military. His name was Cyril, and he was, believe it or not, a librarian."

"A librarian?" Ed said, looking surprised. "I don't mean to offend, I just can't imagine…"

"I know, I know." Roy shook his head, still smiling reminicently. "He was so kind. Caring. He had long blonde hair, like yours, but he wore it down. And beautiful blue eyes, and glasses that always got broken." He chuckled, but sounded sad now. "Quietest man you'd ever meet, but really fierce in bed…" He did a double-take. "I can't believe I just told you that. But… I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone." Roy got a faraway look in his eyes and gazed unseeingly out the window.

"What… what happened to him?" Ed hardly dared to ask, but he did anyways.

Roy sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut. "He died. Hit by a car while he was carrying books over to headquarters. It was just a cover for coming to see me. He crossed the road, and a car shot out of nowhere. Hit him. Broke his back. Drunk driver. They didn't even put him in jail…" Roy's voice was getting choked up. He squeezed his eyes shut again, and put his hand to his face.

"I'm sorry, Roy. I shouldn't have asked." Ed felt awkward again. Just when Roy had cheered up, he'd gone and made him upset again.

"You didn't know. You couldn't know." Roy answerd, still covering his face.

"I'm still sorry. I… um… do you want another hug?" Ed asked hesitantly.

Roy didn't answer, but slowly pulled Ed into his arms. The younger alchemist hugged him back tightly, but carfeul not to squeeze to hard with his automail arm. It wasn't an awkward tolerant embarace, but a comforting one.

Suddenly, Ed found himself tilting his head back to look at Roy's face. A few fresh tears had fallen, and as Ed watched, another rolled down his cheek.

Roy felt Ed's eyes on him, and looked down into the golden orbs. Their faces were so close together he could feel the younger alchemist's warm breath playing over his lips. They gazed straight into each other's eyes, and for a moment Roy saw someone else in his arms, someone with sunlight glinting off their taped glasses. And before he knew what he was doing, he leaned in closer.

"Roy…" Ed whispered. His voice sounded different, filled with trepidation and almost fear. His eyes were wide with shock. They were so close now, Roy could almost feel the movment of Ed's lips as he said his name.

"Shh." Roy shushed him so quietly that it could barely be heard. He leaned down, closing the last barely-exsistant gap between them, their lips brushing together in an almost-kiss. Ed made a small sound in his throat at the touch of his Colonel's soft lips on his.

Ed's whole body felt tingly and warm. He was very aware of Roy's hands on his back, of their lips together, and it made him feel… oh god. A hot blush shot across Ed's face and he pressed a hand against Roy's chest, pushing him away. He turned around quickly so Roy couldn't see just how he felt through his tight leather pants.

"I'm sorry, Ed." Roy said in a quiet voice. "For a second you just reminded me of… him."

"So it wasn't… me you were kissing." Ed replied, not turning around.

"No. No, it wasn't." Roy said quickly, seeming relieved.

Ed wrapped his coat around himself and span around, an angry expression on his face. Roy's hand shot to his pocket for his gloves, instinctively ready to protect himself. "Why not?" Ed growled.

"What?" That was definetely an answer Roy hadn't expected.

"Why were you not kissing me?" Ed said in the same snarling tone.

"Ed?" Roy cocked his head to the side, perplexed. But before he could say another word, before he could even think, two hands -one hard metal and one warm skin- had grabbed his face and yanked it down, before Ed's lips claimed his in a ferocious kiss.

Ed didn't seem to know how to kiss very well, and had decided, as per usual, violence was a good answer. His tongue didn't bother requesting entrance, rather shoving through the Colonel's lips, attacking the wet cavern of his mouth.

Roy responded eagerly, thrusting in his tongue with equal roughness, throwing his arms around Ed's waist, pulling him close. Something hard pressed into his leg, and his body started to stir as well. Again in his thoughts was the demure but fiery young man with glasses. Then his mind awoke to what was really happening, and it was his turn to push away. "Ed, no, we can't do this." He said, slightly breathless.

Ed just stared at him for a moment, eyes wide.

And then he burst into tears.

"Ed!" Roy kneeled next to the younger alchemist as he sank to his knees. "Ed… what's wrong?" He placed a hand on Ed's back.

Ed shook his head. "I just… Roy… I… I'm so confused!"

"Confused about what, Ed?" Roy asked softly, pushing Ed's bangs out of his face with a finger.

"I… I think I love you!" Ed blurted out, choking a little as he sobbed. "I always thought I hated you, you always teased me, acted like a bastard, but I realized, when you kissed me, I realized that I like it! Because it's the only time you pay attention to me!" He tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in his throat painfully. "I don't know… I've never been in love. But when I see you I can't think properly… and when you're not there I can't stop thinking about you… I always tried to explain it away… but now I know what it is and I can't run from it anymore… it scares me, Roy."

Roy couldn't speak for a moment. Did Ed just… he loved him? My god. "Ed…" He started, quickly realizing he had no idea what to say. "You can't love me. Do you know how much trouble I'd get in for that? You're my subordinate. Plus, I've never thought of you… that way."

Ed started to cry harder, burying his face in his knees. "I know! I know all that! And I know you'd never love me back! I was just so scared… and I needed to tell you… I needed to talk about it…"

"Hush." Roy wrapped his arms gently around Ed's body. "It's… it's alright. But you know… I told you… that I can't love someone again. Not after him." He said softly, hoping he was handling this with the appropriate amount of tact.

"…And I feel so goddamn pathetic right now." Ed finished, leaning into the embrace.

"Don't. It's fine. You saw me cry, so now we're even?" Roy pushed Ed's chin up so they were looking at each other, smiling slightly to show everything was okay.

Ed stopped crying, returning the smile weakly. "I… I guess so." Then he gazed at the Colonel with pleading eyes, sparkling with hope. "Couldn't you… at least try to have feelings for me?"

Roy sighed. "It's not that simple. Even if I could… even if it weren't for him… Ed, it just wouldn't work!" He finished exasperatedly. "You're my subordinate. We could get into trouble for that. We're both male. We could get into trouble for that. You're also younger, Ed, quite a bit younger!"

"I'm eighteen." Ed sniffed. "That's old enough! I'm an adult now, I can make my own decisions! And it's not illegal to have a relationship with another man!"

"No, but the military doesn't like it. It wouldn't work out. Just trust me, please." Roy stroked the younger alchemist's hair lightly. He didn't want to hurt Ed's feelings, but this was what had to be done.

Anger filled Ed's eyes, and he pushed Roy's hand away. "Is that what you told him when he said he loved you?"

Now Roy was starting to get angry. "Do not bring him into this, Fullmetal! Did you hear me? Do not!"

Only one word had registered with Ed. His eye welled with tears again. "You called me Fullmetal again…"

"Yes I did, and you have to…"

But Ed cut him off. "One night." He said.

"What?" Roy was startled, what on earth was Ed talking about?

"One night." He repeated. "Please. Be with me one night, and if you still don't want me I'll leave and we'll never speak of this again." He looked determined.

Roy's anger had completely melted. He sighed as he realized what Ed meant. "Oh Ed. I can't. I don't want to put you in a position like that. I doubt you've ever… slept with anyone before. I don't want to hurt you. I don't think you know what you want right now. You might not be ready."

"I am!" Ed insisted, looking angry again. He started to stand. "Please, just let me spend the…" He let out a loud yelp as his head connected with Roy's desk.

"Ed!" Roy jumped to his feet. Judging by the sound Ed's head had made when it hit the corner of the desk, there might be some danger to the younger alchemist's health. "Are you alright?"

"Dizzy…" Ed said weakly, giving his head a few experimental shakes.

Roy crouched down next to him, brow furrowed with worry. "Ed? Ed, listen to me. How many fingers?" He held two fingers in front of Ed's face.

"Mmm…" Ed squinted at them a moment. "Two."

"Good." Roy peered into his golden eyes, seeing the pupils were slightly dilated. Not so good. He started to run his hands over Edward's head, stopping when he heard an involuntary whimper. There was a slight bump already starting.

"Ow. Don't." Ed said in a rather faraway voice, shaking his head again.

Roy smiled at him, concerned. "I think you just have a mild concussion. Could be worse. Could also be better. Your brother's out in Resembool (sp?) this week, isn't he? You shouldn't be alone now."

"What're you going to do with me?" Ed asked, still sounding quite dazed.

Roy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. So the Fullmetal Alchemist was going to get what he wanted after all. Well, in a sense. "You'd better come home with me. Someone should wake you up every few hours, just in case."

Despite his state, Ed still looked pleased. "I'm spending the night?"

"Yes. You should lie down and rest, you'll feel better. Let's go. Hawkeye will cover for me." He took Ed's hands and slowly pulled him to him feet, catching him when he predictabley stumbled off balance. He tightly wrapped an arm around the younger alchemist's waist to support him. Walking so that Ed could easily keep up, he led him out of his office.

As soon as Hawkeye saw them, she raised a questioning eyebrow.

Roy quickly answered the unvoiced question in a professional tone. "Fullmetal hit his head and I believe he has a concussion. Therefore it is necessary for someone to keep an eye on him at least for the night to make sure he's not seriously injured."

"Of course, sir." She nodded. "And you feel you should be the one to do this, sir? One of us could stay the night with him." She gestured around the room to Falman, Fuery, Breda and Havoc. "Or to be safe, we should take him to the hospital."

"No doctors." Ed growled.

"Thank you for the offer, Lieutenant, but I do feel somewhat responsible. Aware of Fullmetal's issue with doctors of all sorts, I didn't think it a good idea to put him through the stress of a hospital when he's only showing signs of a mild concussion." Roy continued, feeling Ed practically drooping in his arms.

"Excellent point, sir. You should get him home, he needs to lie down." Riza said, gazing somewhat worridly at Ed.

"Need me to drive?" Havoc asked, looking up from his own desk.

"That might be for the best, I'm not sure we'd make it walking."

Soon the three of them were in a military car, Ed leaning heavily against Roy in the backseat. "Where am I taking you, sir?" Jean asked as he lit a cigarette and started the car.

"My house. It's nearer, and he's small enough to sleep on the couch." Roy replied, just wanting to get Ed somewhere he could rest.

"Don't call me small." Ed mumbled. Roy found it slightly worrying that was all the fuss he put up.

It only took a few minutes to reach Roy's house, a small flat with a few scruffy shrubs out front. Roy thanked Jean and guided Ed out of the car, supporting him with an arm again. As the car pulled away, the Colonel fumbled in his pocket for his keys.

"Roy…" Ed said quietly, almost whimpering.

"Ed?" Roy suceeded in finding the key and opening the door, even with only one available hand.

"… I don't feel so good."

"You have a concussion, Ed. You're not going to feel good." Roy helped him inside, locking the door behind them.

"I really don't feel so good." Ed put a hand over his mouth, groaning quietly.

Having experienced many a concussion before, Roy knew to grab the garbage can near the door and put it in front of Ed as his knees buckled. He kindly held the younger alchemist's bangs out of his face and rubbed circles on his back as he retched again and again, effectively emptying his stomach.

When he was finished, Ed groaned and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Still feeling sick and disoriented, he turned around and buried his face in Roy's chest. "I hate throwing up." He grumbled into the Colonel's shirt, clutching at it needily.

Roy chuckled and stroked Ed's hair, careful of the bump on his head. "I think everyone does, Ed. Do you feel better?"

"Stomach's a little calmer." He continued to talk into Roy's shirt.

"Good. Let's put you to bed." He put his arm back around Ed's waist and lifted him to his feet. The couch wasn't far away, but Ed refused to lie down on it.

"Let me stay with you… please…" He whimpered, clinging pathetically to Roy.

Roy sighed. "Ed…" He looked down at the younger alchemist. Those golden eyes looked slightly frightened, still a little confused. And he couldn't refuse. "… Alright. But we'll just be sleeping, I can promise you that."

"I know." Ed said in that tiny, helpless voice. And a few moments later he was tucked into Roy's bed, wearing only his boxers and one of the Colonel's old t-shirts, which was ridiculously large on him.

He watched, his head pounding and nausea turning his stomach, as Roy pulled his shirt and pants off, leaving only his boxers. Even though Ed felt like crap, the sight stirred his groin and he rolled quickly to his side so Roy couldn't see.

He felt cold air hit him as the covers were pulled back so Roy could climb in. He rolled to his other side to look at the man he now knew he was in love with. He couldn't help it, he wriggled closer, pushing his face against Roy's bare chest and placing a hand on it as well. He could feel the well-toned muscles, etched under the Colonel's skin, and that had more unwanted physical effects, but he didn't care.

"Do you still feel sick?" Roy asked, deciding to allow the snuggling.

Ed nodded against his chest. "And my head hurts."

"Just relax. Go to sleep. I'll have to wake you up every few hours, but you will feel better in the morning." Roy gently stroked his back, trying to comfort him.

Ed mumbled something that couldn't be heard, getting lost in Roy's touch, and falling into the depths of slumber.

A/N: Again, please review! Tell me how my first chapter of my first FMA fanfic went! Please!