When the light fades from the sky and the hope cascades off the cliff into the abyss, there at the farthest corner of the earth will the doors to the ultimate tournament open wide for all the bravest and strongest to enter. Only the mightiest of hearts could champion the most coveted of prizes: the key to Paradise Valley, NV. And so, every half century, warriors from all over the world participate in the grand battle.
Sadly, due to an increase in property taxes and a toxic lawsuit against card rigging, the Paradise Valley Casino and Hotel was forced to shut down one year before the next battle for ownership. The lease for the property went up for auction and was won by Fox Studios, only to be lost during an ill-managed yard sale mere days later. Nixon, the new self-proclaimed Land Baron™ in turn tore down Paradise Valley in favor of building a new White House. Upon completion, no one realized that the President of the US had mysteriously moved to Sin City, prompting Bruce Willis to shoot the third installment of his favorite Frank Miller franchise. The film died in post-production, however, due to a bank error. London School of Ergonomics graduate George Clowney forgot to carry the 1 and wound up leaving the movie's budget $53 million overdrawn.
It was a sad day for Hollywood, indeed, but all sadness comes with a side-dish of sunny-side up smilie eggs. It was during one fateful breakfast meeting that A. Bucket happened to be sitting at a nearby diner at Rodeo Drive when a pair of love-struck zombies happened to shimmy their shambled corpses into the restaurant and crumbled into ash betwixt each others decaying limbs. It was love at first sight for everyone involved: A. Bucket fell in love with his next great movie idea, and the ashes fell in love with their dust. And thus the greatest love story in the history of 2016 was born! "Kiss Kiss Resonance" was poised to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.
After surviving a trip through Hollywood Hell®, A. Bucket's script managed to catch the eye of George Clowney, recently out on probation from the Biomechanical Corrections Facility. Now armed with an unmatched budget, "Kiss Kiss Resonance" began filming with a full cast of recognizable actors. Starring that guy from the Allstate commercials (are you in good hands?) along with the disembodied voice of Queen Latifah from those old Pizza Hut ads and the Gecko from Geico, the supporting cast was more than enough to pick up the slack when the two lead actors held out for more cash.
And now, without further ado...
A. Bucket proudly presents
Kiss Kiss Resonance
The Movie
"Why can't I quit eating this Pizza Hut pizza-completezza?" asked Estelle, who subsequently had no body.
"Because you're in good hands," Joshua replied. He attempted to hug her but couldn't.
"Halt!" said the magician. "You two cannot be with one another for you are born from the same loins as thusly illustrated! Cease and desist in your bodily fluctuations!"
The gecko nodded in agreement then slithered down Joshua's shirt.
"That's your stand?" asked Joshua, perplexed with intensity.
Lightning struck in the background and a crack in the earth opened to swallow everyone whole. The scene went dark for ten seconds. When the light returned, everyone except for Queen Latifah was on stage and bowed.
The End
...Or so it would appear! As it happened, the Fox Executives weren't exactly pleased as punch with the less than marketable disembodied female lead. They had too many boxes of pushup bras to sell, and they weren't going to push themselves. A call was made for an immediate sequel with Ansem the Brave as the new casting director. Luckily for Ansem, he had purchased a couple of decently endowed actresses from a yard sale not too long ago, so he had a replacement lined up and ready to go within hours of his arrival. Also doubling as the new director of cinematography, Ansem was tasked with getting precision close-ups of the product placement. No one really knows who the actress portraying Estelle was, but that didn't stop her from being easily recognizable on the street. With a couple of small jars like those, even Blind Al could feel her out a mile away.
A. Bucket begrudgingly presents...
Kiss Kiss Resonance 2: Jiggle All the Way
The Movie
"Why can't I quit you?" asked some young woman's chest.
"Because you're in good hands," Joshua replied.
"Did you not accept my warning forthwith?" shouted the magician. "Desist in these throes for they have not only but themselves to cast shadows unto ye!"
The gecko flicked its tongue and shimmed down Estelle's exposed crevice.
The lights dimmed, never to return. ...And scene.
The End(?)
Although the sequel was a moderate flop, the network executives managed to sell the last box of pushup bras required for them to win a free trip to Disneyland. They went on holiday prematurely, leaving the care of the studio entirely in Ricky's hands, who subsequently traded the lot for a 6-pack. As new owner of the Fox Lot, Nixon built a second (third) White House and proclaimed himself President of Earth. No one questioned it.
Many moons later at the Oscars-before an emptied theater-Wall-E received a well-deserved reward for tossing out the trash. With award in hand, Wall-E rolled out onto the street where a cold breeze blew dust past him. He shuddered until Roo bounced along offering him a dues-paying mop. Wall-E gladly traded his award—really a Pooh Stick—in exchange for the mop. While Wall-E cleaned away the weird dust, Roo returned the Pooh Stick to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
The end.