Title: When I Close My Eyes
Summary I can still pretend that this woman I am betrothed to is the one I really want…
Pairing: Larsa/Penelo
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 12 or any of its characters.
A/N: I just thought of this and realized I had to write it hehehe!
Dedication: This is for rolliepollie44… She wrote me one, it's time I repay her ;) oh by the way… It's in the stupid present tense that you always seem to love. . gr!
When I Close My Eyes…
I lean against the railing, letting my eyelids fall shut. The breeze caresses my face, as though telling me everything is going to be alright. My Archadian city is far below me, and when I surround myself with green plants and beautiful flowers atop this faraway balcony, I can almost pretend I'm still traveling the world looking for help in the war.
Of course, that was a tragic period of my life, but look at what doors it has opened for me, my country, and of course, the neighboring countries around us…
And of course, it allowed me to meet the one I could never have. It was a bittersweet sort of thing, but we remained close… Though of course the letters slowly stopped coming, and now unfortunately, I only get one about once a month…
Penelo is seeing the world at the side of Vaan. I pray every day that he keeps her safe, since he was barely ever able to do so when we had our adventures together.
I open my eyes slowly against the harsh rays of surprising sun. It had just been cloudy not a moment ago. Rubbing my temple on one side, I glance into the sky, wondering just where they are right now, and hoping, through some unreliable odds, that perhaps she will come see me… I have not seen her in about two years.
"Larsa…" My chocolate eyes skim the skies once more before I turn around, seeing the tall woman lean against the doorway. Her auburn hair is loose – the prime and proper of her daily routine had vanished.
"Yes?" I reply, simply because I have nothing else to say. There is a hollow emptiness in my voice – she can feel it as well as I.
"It's going to rain," she speaks softly, almost cautiously, "Perhaps you should come inside?"
I nod my head at her, but turn around to lean against the balcony again. She sighs and walks away, but before she can completely go, I throw words over my shoulder, "Thank you, Valanie…"
She seems thrilled by this, though she tries to hide it on her own face. She wanders away quicker now, leaving me to my peace once more. Sometimes, a little kindness can go a long way.
Sighing again, I look down towards my city, and watched the bustle that I can no longer be apart of. Pushing my gloved hand off of the balcony, I turn on my heel and make a proud retreat inside – it is not hasty, nor is it sluggish – it is just the way I want. Servants meet me immediately, asking if I'd like something. At this time a day it is normally food, towels, diplomatic things, or something else of the sort.
I shake my head and dismiss them, a shadow of a smile dancing upon my lips. I do thoroughly wish that someone would stop by to talk, instead of ask me if I need things, or will me inside.
"Lord Larsa…" That is the voice I need to hear… I turn around and smile.
"Judge Magister Gabranth," I wink. It is a game between Basch and myself, his secret identity something of a joke to me now, instead of the utmost importance four years ago. "How are you?" I begin walking with him, clasping my hands behind my back as I listen to his report.
"Everything is going well," He nods, not quite sure what else to say, "How are the preparations for the wedding?" He questions, tilting his head in disapproval.
I sigh, defeated. It seems I feel just as much regret about the situation that he shows, and it troubles me. "It is well…" I say simply, not giving him anymore to feed off of.
We were quiet as we walked, allowing me to delve back into my thoughts. Valanie was beautiful… twenty-one and a woman born to take care of those around her. Her tall figure and long, red-brown hair was stunning to any male who ever saw her… Basch even agreed – at first of course.
As he slowly watched us intertwine with each other, myself hesitant to court the girl, he slowly realized what it was that I wanted, and why it wasn't her.
He had gone on a journey to Rabanastre for a few weeks – partially to see Ashelia, and partially to ask her of the whereabouts of Penelo. My heart soared at hearing this, but her news had faltered. She was off making something of herself with Vaan…
I'd heard of their relationship much too late – always hoping for something better, until finally I got a letter expressing so nonchalantly, how adorable he was, and how she might never find another like him…
It felt as though my heart had been ripped out… As melodramatic as that may seem.
Basch shares my lady problems, though his are much more amusing than my own. I give him a hard time about them almost on a regular basis, but deep down, I hurt for him. To stay with me would mean he could not go to Ashe, but to go to Ashe doesn't necessarily mean he would be able to be with her…
It was complicated, cruel, and ironic, and I truly pitied him for something he could not control. Then again, could capturing Penelo's love be something I could never control either? Perhaps she had already given it away – even before I met her.
Besides, I have much more frivolous things to think about. My wedding was in two days, and most of the city was showing up. Basch always tries to convince me that not even half the city approves of the girl, but only the chance to finally see Emperor Larsa Ferrinas Solidor happy. It was true – after all this time I had been worked, without most of my friends I'd fallen into a much more serious role.
"I'll be alright…" I seemed to whisper back to my thoughts. Basch pretends he didn't hear it, but I understand that he did. There isn't a need to explain, as he already knows what I spoke of.
Our walk ends as soon as Valanie walks down the hall, delight lighting her fair face, "Larsa!" She breaths. I cringe just because I still have yet to know her on that sort of basis, and yet she deems it fit to call me without formality.
Only some have ever been able to look past my royal status, and those are mostly gone from my life.
"Yes, Valanie?" I refuse to call her anything but her first name, and it only shows Basch more and more my distaste for the girl. She was boring – content on living out life in the palace never going anywhere, just having children and growing old together…
She ignores my stiff tone of voice as Basch walks away, and takes my hands into hers, "The room is fully decorated! Come see!" I am dragged down the hall against my will, having to bite my tongue to be sure I do not say anything rude.
She pushes open the doors and waltzes inside, cooing about this and that, while dancing to each different part of the area. I watch her stiff movements, and recognize the Archadian dancer's regular style (though she is not one – she could never be that adventurous) and compare it to Dalmasca's flow – like a river on a calm day.
"The floors are shined and sparkle gold! The table for our gifts already overflows from people who cannot be here…!"
I stride passed her, taking long steps to get out of her way. I make my way straight to the gift table, and it was true – one could no longer see the beautiful oak wood underneath it. Shifting around, I find what I am looking for…
It is a small box, marked specifically for me, specifically from one person. Tearing it open, I heard Valanie gasp behind me, but know that she will not ask questions.
I expected her not to come, but as I pull the letter out of the box, my almond eyes widen in shock. There in very neat, slanted, ever-Penelo writing, is my proof.
I know I said we might not make it, but… I made Vaan turn around. We're on our way from Jahara, Balthier and Fran in tow. I'll be dropped off, left in Balthier's care while Vaan runs off to do what he can without a constant thorn in his side.
I'm looking forward to seeing you, Lord Larsa – or should I say Emperor now… Consider this an early wedding present? I expect nothing less than amazing when I get to your palace…
-Penelo
It isn't long, but it's all I need to smile. It isn't fake, or forced, but a true, genuine smile. Valanie notices this and lets on a smile of her own though she knows not why I grin. She dances around, humming a tune in such a way, it causes me to close my eyes in wonder.
She is not who I wish to be with, but rather, the sunkissed blonde wildfire that I had discovered so many years ago. She is older now, as am I, and I know she respects that I am mature far beyond even her years.
It is so childish, and yet I do it so often when this woman is quiet, and I have the space around my thoughts still…
When I close my eyes, I can still pretend that this woman I am betrothed to, is the one I really want… I keep them closed for several minutes, etching in Penelo's features around where I feel her movements are. Slowly, the dance turns graceful, and the flowing auburn hair ties up into delicate braids, and rinses to a light blonde, instead of a red-brown. Dull, ebony eyes lighten until they're the shade of the skies of Bhujerba.
"Penelo…" I let out my lips for just a moment.
"Hmm?" She questions, stopping her silly dance and drawing closer to me, "What did you say, dear?"
"Nothing…" I lie easily with a smile, "Come, we must leave them to the work they still must do here…" I clutch the box in my hands, refusing to look at it more until I am completely alone.
"Right," She nods and runs out after me, trying to keep up with my swift form.
In my own chambers, where I refuse to allow Valanie, saying something of the sort because of the wedding and how bad it looks, and usually I trail off there, and she gets my point, I rest on my bed, the box at my side.
Shakily, I shift through it, wondering what it is that the blonde girl had sent me. There inside though, was a bouquet of dried up roses, looking as though they'd gone through magic to be preserved in such a way. My eyes widened as I recognized their cuts – growing no where else in the world, but the highest of all places in Archadia.
A note was attached: I kept them all…
I recall a time when she used to visit me often when her and Vaan would pass over the palace, and even when she did not, with every letter I sent her, a rose was tied to it. She said nothing of them, besides sometimes when I sent an unusual looking one her way, she would compliment the beauty of it.
Now to see all that I had sent, sent back to me in such a way, I feel honored, and the smile I adorn seems as though it will never fade. Suddenly, with a flicker in my mind, I make a decision that I'm clueless as to why I did not see it before.
Standing very tall, and very proud, I walk out the doors to my bed chamber, and seek out Valanie. She is not far away – of course, she never is in fear of losing me to something she doesn't understand – and I take her hands in mine.
I speak of a love that has captured my heart already, and though I will never be able to capture her hand, I wish not, at this point, to be wed. I apologize, and tell her she will find better, and though tears prick her eyes, I can see that she instantly agrees – with greed for money and love that I simply cannot supply. She smiles at me, and kisses my forehead, now somehow so much more motherly than she was only a few moments ago.
With that she turns to take her leave, telling me she will not return the gifts I've showered her with… I tell her that it doesn't make a difference to me.
Guards are on her in a second. Not in a hostile way, but Basch has so gallantly let them know that she is not the fiancée of the Emperor anymore, therefore is no longer welcome to roam the upper levels of the palace. I watch as she leaves, never looking back.
Though I know it will hurt me to see Penelo rave about our dear blonde friend, I know I have made the right choice… Still I can close my eyes and pretend she is speaking of me, instead of the sky pirate she has grown so close to.
"Lord Larsa," He is in the habit of calling me so, even though I am so much more than that now. I turn towards Basch, eyes sparkling with a happiness that neither of us remembered radiating off of me in a long time.
His eyes go soft now, "You have a visitor…" The blonde man shot me a look. Though he is aged (though doesn't look a day older than twenty-five still, I swear the man never truly ages) his face glitters with mischief I have not seen in a long while, and I know he will take care of all cancellations of the wedding, and of course – letting everybody know…
"Thank you…" I give him a nod, and he bows slightly to me, even though I have told him countless times he need not do it. As he turns, I set off, dashing past him, blowing his cape around his legs. He lets out a hearty laugh that I barely hear as I slide down the hallways.
It's very uncharacteristic of me to do such a thing now, and though my personality alludes my age, I am still just sixteen of course… Throwing myself against the doors to the balcony, where I know she'll be as she's been so many years before, I saw Vaan had not even waited to say anything to me.
She stands out there, in the rain that had been forecasted earlier, bags on each side of her, shivering as the blonde threads of her hair plaster to her still porcelain skin. The buzz of surprise takes both of us, as we each glance at how the other has grown.
I'm taller than her now, though I keep similar (but perhaps a little simpler) garbs to the ones I wore before, and keep my hair the same. I wish not to resemble my whole family in such a way that people fear I will be like them… This is a very… characterizing thing.
She is taller now too, but still petite. She's in baggy, navy capris, held by red ribbon tied tightly around the sides, adorned with Dalmascan design. Somehow these still seem to compliment her figure. She wears brown 'elf' like boots, with matching ribbon tying up her ankles. Her shirt stops just below the start of her abdomen, the lining lace. The collar looks metal and strong, and I know now its simply armor disguised as a dancer's wardrobe. Each sleeve hangs below her shoulders, and ties in place just above her elbows. In her hair, she wears the emblem of peace between Archadia, Dalmasca, and Rozzaria that came at the end of the war, and her long braids reach passed her waist secured with pink and white ribbon. She is now stunning, though with the same sky colored eyes as before, and I knew that was my Penelo.
Her face, though delighted to see me, is pained as she stands, shivering in the rain. I briskly walk out from under the cover of the palace, and come to her side, not saying a word, but picking up her bags. She moves eagerly behind me, wishing to get out of the cold drops.
Once inside, I turn around to ask her what happened. She tells the tale, sheepishly, and with much stuttering, about how she knew things were not right with Vaan. She still only loves him as a brother, and knows something is missing from her life… She kisses his cheek and asks to be dropped off at my palace, to be with me…
I can hardly hear her words as she expresses she wanted to get here before the wedding, to see what she could do about stopping it.
Holding up my hand, I didn't want to hear any more, and she looks taken aback, ashamed of her actions, but startled that I am so blunt with her.
Quickly walking up to her, I take her face in my hands, looking down at her beautiful form. Making a bold move, I kiss her, and instantly I know that things are right. Stroking her cheek with my thumb, her arms interlock around my neck, pulling me closer to her.
When finally I pull away from her, her face shines as she holds out her hand, "I also kept this, as well…" On her right hand there was an Archadian ring – the ruby in the middle shining boldly. I told her to keep it for me, so that she never forgets me, and she is keeping her promise well.
I smiled at her, plucking a flower from the vase not too far away, and presenting it to her. Her laugh echos like bells off the walls, and I kiss her forehead, closing my eyes. My Penelo was finally home… When I close my eyes, I no longer have to pretend, but can still feel the woman I was meant to be with…
A/N: Well that was interesting. I found it's a lot harder to keep in present tense, because by default, I always want to you past. Lol I hope you like it to those who read! I tried to take sort of a different take, and make it a bit shorter, with a lot less dialogue.
It gives more of a feel of Larsa without many people talking, and that's what I wanted. :) Hopefully, rolliepollie44, it will inspire you to write more wonderful stories ;)
-zesty-