Author's note: Something stupid based off a comment posted on one of my stories. Originally posted on my pastebin on 9/4/18.
On a Saturday morning, Howard McBride was getting some mail out of his mailbox.
As he snagged the several envelopes, he noticed one in particular that stuck out. A letter with Clyde's name on it, surrounded by little black x's and o's.
The man held it and looked at it closely, noticing there was no sender address on there.
"That's strange..." He thought. But the possibility of good news dispersed any of his uneasiness.
Howard dashed back into his home, set on seeing Clyde gets his letter.
On the way to visit him, he bumped into Harold.
"What's the rush?" He asked, curious by his husband's jubilation.
"Clyde got a special letter." Howard grinned as he held it up. "I think it could be from a secret admirer..."
Harold patted his shoulder affectionately.
"It just might be, but let's not jump to any conclusions." He said. "If it is, he won't keep it a secret from us, and the quicker he gets it, the faster we'll know."
"Yup, I'm gonna give it to him now." Howard assured with a broad grin. "I bet it's from that cute little girl from his class, I think her name is Penelope..."
Keeping that bright attitude alive, he then went and knocked on Clyde's door.
He uttered. "Honey, I got something for you."
Clyde paused his episode of Argh! to see what's up.
The boy hopped off his bed and opened the door, finding his father staring at him to an almost creepy extent.
"What is it?" He asked, noticing his dad hiding something behind his back.
"It's a letter!" Howard exclaimed joyfully as he handed it over to his son.
Clyde looked at it, noticing his name written largely in permanent marker along with some random symbolization. Who would send him this? And more importantly, what was inside? He could only wonder.
"Thanks, Dad." He responded, smiling.
As Howard left, Clyde shut the door, then pondered while looking at the envelope. Something about it felt odd, but opening it would only help him overcome the uncertainty.
Soon enough, the boy discovered what was inside. A small treasure map of some kind, and the promise of being rich beyond his wildest dreams. It also contained weird notes like 'jump for the gold' and 'you'll fall in love', yet both messages weren't given second thoughts. It seemed there was nothing to lose here, though he had some trouble containing himself.
"Holy cow!" He shouted.
Almost nauseous from excitement, he picked up his walkie talkie to contact his best friend. If there's anyone to share his future wealth with, it's him.
"Lincoln, are you there?" Clyde asked.
The boy closed his comic and grabbed his walkie talkie.
He responded. "Yeah, I'm here, what's up?"
"I just got this letter in this the mail, and... and..."
"Yeah? What about it?" Lincoln questioned, his friend's stammering making him even more agog. This had to be something quite good.
"It came with a treasure map. There's a chest of gold somewhere in the woods. If we get it, we'll be rich!"
"Wow, that's amazing!" Lincoln replied enthusiastically.
"We're gonna be rich!" Clyde exclaimed.
"Dang it..." He thought, realizing how loud he his tone was. He couldn't share this plan with anyone besides his best friend. It has always been a child fantasy for both of them, scoring treasure like real pirates do. To turn that into reality was going to be unbelievable.
"So, we're going to go get it now, right? I mean, think of all the flippees we could buy..." Lincoln spoke, finding himself getting lost in a daydream.
"Of course, I'm heading over as soon as possible." Clyde assured. "I just gotta get dressed into the right attire..."
"Alright, buddy, I'll see you soon!" Lincoln said joyfully. Come to think of it, he had to get changed himself.
Having their minds in sync, both boys dressed for the occasion, fitting themselves into their own pirate outfits. They got all decked out with a nifty bandana and eyepatch. It was totally rad, and appropriate for what they were going to achieve today.
Later on, the kids united outside of the Loud residence.
From there, they took the bus into town, venturing until reaching a stop adjacent to the woods.
Hopping off the bus, the boys walked onward into the woods while glancing at the map.
They picked up their pace a bit as they viewed the area. The excess trees in the way made it a little confusing, yet they did manage to get closer to the treasure in a matter of seconds.
During following the path, they eventually arrived in front of the supposed jackpot. The grand treasure they both desired so dearly.
"Oh, my gosh! Lincoln, there's the x!" Clyde said excitedly.
Unable to contain himself once again, he sprinted towards it.
His eyes were dead set on the prize. His mind became scattered as he thought of the possibilities, all the comics they'd buy, plus flippees, and they certainly wouldn't forget videos games either. It was too good to be true.
"Whoa, wait up!" Lincoln hollered while trying to catch up to him.
Before he could, Clyde hopped onto the x as if he were long jumping in the bloody olympics.
When he landed, everything fell down. The grown completely caved in, causing him to fall into a six feet deep circular pit.
"Aaaah!" He screamed. The landing was hard, knocking the wind out of him on impact, almost causing his glasses to shatter. He might have crashed down, but the pain couldn't break his spirit or optimism just yet. The only thing that mattered is getting the gold.
"You okay!?" Lincoln asked, his voice filled with great concern.
His worry grew as he got a better look into the hole. He didn't see any treasure in there, he saw something else entirely.
Clyde groaned as he opened his eyes slowly.
"Yeah, I'm..." He paused, noticing another letter right before him alongside a bunch of angry male geese.
They fluffed up while surrounding him, acting defensive as if he was an invader of their territory.
"Honk! Honk! Honk!" They went mad!
Lincoln stared in horror when his friend started being attacked by the geese.
They mercilessly bit every inch of him, and tore his clothes apart, thus breaking his skin to ensure that he bleeds.
More honks sounded and feathers flew around as the attack went on.
"Stop!" Clyde cried while getting brutalized.
Frantic and survival instinct setting in, he crawled to the edge. He can only escape by climbing up, but he needed some assistance.
"Grab my hand!" Lincoln cried, laying in the dirt and holding his hand out.
He squinted, attempting to get it as close as he could to Clyde without falling in himself.
"I'm trying!" The boy yowled, desperately digging his nails into the dirt and doing his best to crawl up.
He reached his friend's hand, and held on for his life.
Lincoln pushed his weight back, putting his strength and heart into saving Clyde.
However, his efforts became fruitless as the creatures just wouldn't let up the assault. They were seething and out for blood. There is simply no escaping their avian wrath!
"Aaaah!" Clyde screamed when the ever growing damage and wounds overwhelmed him.
His grip loosened, causing him to drop right back into the pit.
The geese encircled him, intending to finish the job. They were to deprive him of his own worthless life.
"Clyde!" Lincoln bawled, tears pouring down his face as he knew he was unable to save him. They were far too powerful, and he was too weak.
Deciding to execute plan b, the boy went to get help.
When he began running away to do so, he heard squelching noises and wings flapping.
His best friend's screams faded...
Then it was all over. Clyde's body was mangled, scratched, and battered. His eyes were pecked out while blood puddled around his corpse as the geese danced around him, content and proud of their victory.
As the young boy's corpse rested there, the second letter was beside him, though now splattered with dirt and his blood. It read... "Kindly go fucking die in a hole filled with angry male geese you 11 year old unfunny edge lord."
The mystery of who hated Clyde so much remained unknown. To make things worse, his death would continue to haunt poor Lincoln forever. The imagery of it remained embedded in his mind. The cries of his friend still rang in his ears. Nothing ever helped, it was always there.
No means of coping became possible until Lincoln reached adulthood, where he then went on a massive killing spree. His target being only one thing, geese. The man hated them so damn much, he wanted to exterminate them like Hitler did the Jews.
"I fucking hate geese!" He'd shout at the world during each gruesome murder. All the killings he committed were justified, and... golden, from his perspective.
Unfortunately, he was eventually caught, sentenced, and sent to Oswald Penitentiary.
So, yeah, on my story Don't Insult Nirvana, read the comment from Drake and this will all make sense.