Breathe In, Breathe Out
Part I
Many thanks to my amazing beta reader, May.
Trigger warning: suicide mention.
Tired of the weight I drag around
Slowly breaking, I'm fading away
Stumbling blind, I need some piece of mind
Standing on the edge now, can you hear me calling?
It was such a dull day. Muddy snow glimmered faintly in the few rays of sunlight that managed to slip through the thick clouds. It would soon be gone again. When the winter darkness enveloped the world with its suffocating hold, only the streetlights and light from bypassing cars would show the way.
He would be done way before then, though.
The teen increased his pace. With his hands deep in his pockets and his trademark spiky hair visible from afar, he hurried across the streets, walking confidently toward his goal. Sasuke had never been the one to hesitate. He made a decision and he would follow through with it, no matter what.
This time, you're not the one leaving me behind.
He reached the end of the street and looked up. He could make out the silhouette of a crowd waiting at the station. Not even their soundly chatter could drown out the noisy mess in his head, the thoughts bouncing back and forth like a tense rubber band. He slowed his pace; he had checked the timetables carefully and he knew that there was no chance he'd miss it. But then again, he must not come too early; it was of utmost importance.
He couldn't help but grin defiantly, imagining Naruto's voice in his mind. He knew how upset his friend would be if he had any idea what Sasuke was about to do: he would grit his teeth and scream at him. "Snap out of it already, you idiot! You can't just give up like that, you have to fight!"
I don't want to.
"You have to!"
Am I weak?
"You are so stupid, teme," Naruto would glare at him and say: "You can't give up!"
Why? Weakness is to fail. I won't fail.
Naruto wasn't here; he would not be able to stop him. That thought gave him some relief; he did not want to face his friend after he found out.
Sasuke closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them again, there was a new kind of determination there. He could feel it - he was not going to regret this. He didn't intend to further nurse his manic mind, or indulge in the knowledge of the inevitable: that he would leave him again.
This time, there was no solution; there would not be a day when he would be happy. This was the only way out.
He could hear another voice in his head now: I love you, always.
The memory made him grit his teeth.
But in the end, it didn't matter what he said or did. His eyes narrowed. If he didn't have to go, despite Sasuke telling him not to… begging him not to… then things would have been different. He was unable to stop his own suffering and he despised the fact that he remained so dreadfully attached to him, no matter how he struggled. As he tried to hold onto him, his inner wounds only became deeper.
He had no intention of staying. He wanted to sacrifice himself for the greater good. He knew it would mean leaving Sasuke behind… and he would do it.
No, Sasuke thought almost gleefully as he clenched his fists, it's my turn now. Watch this, brother. You won't be able to stop me. The thought was oddly satisfying, pleasurable.
He checked his surroundings for a place that would do, putting as much distance between himself and the crowd as possible. The last thing he wanted was attention. He found a perfect spot that was empty from any witnesses, giving him full access to the rail. He had a few minutes; he just needed to step over the edge.
Why was it suddenly so hard to take that step? He knew that from the platform he was standing on, he would not be able to get up without help. If he changed his mind … His heart beat faster, almost teasing him.
He glanced around for any possible witnesses, or at least using it as an excuse to take his time, and found his gaze lingering on the big clock on the roof. A mother with her child in his peripheral vision caught his attention for several more seconds.
A voice deep within his mind taunted him: Cut it out, drama queen. If you really intended to do it, you would have done it already, it mocked him. You have had so many chances.
"Shut up!" he hissed.
Still, he realized with a hiss, why was he out here in broad daylight? It was as if he was practically asking to be stopped. He had planned everything carefully when he left home early this morning.
Did he want to be stopped?
It unnerved him that he didn't know the answer to that question.
He could not seem to find a cure for his sorrow - because the remedy was always going to be inaccessible. It was impossible to get away from it – his heart was hopelessly attached to him and that was the most masochistic thing he would ever engage in. It was never his intention to get so dependent on him, but then it happened and he was unable to undo it.
Sasuke pressed his nails into his palms fiercely. Why this sudden hesitation? A part of him was begging for it all to end, wishing for his heart to stop beating and his life to be over. He had been begging for it to end so many times, soaking his pillow wet and cursing this whole fucking existence of his.
He couldn't even remember how it felt to be happy – but looking back on his childhood with him, he knew he had been, before. But not anymore - everything felt like a sick nightmare. Every day of his life was a battle.
He had been left behind, he had been wounded inside, and he was not going to fight anymore. He was lost. He had waited, day after day, and all he could do now was to take matters into his own hands.
Just like Itachi took matters into his own hands when he decided to leave you for the greater good.
And soon his escape would come into the station: his painless way out of this hell. Every step he took in any other direction was reminding him of his bad choices. So he simply moved further away from the station so that he would be able to meet the train at a high speed - at least enough so it would kill him without any unnecessary pain. He didn't intend to be slowly crushed – he planned to be already dead by then.
But maybe, his mind taunted him, slowly enough for Itachi to see you, and realize.
One thing he had often wondered about – what do people think about in the last moments before they end their own life? Are they happy, do they smile? He certainly didn't know. But once you've decided to go for that irreversible option, it doesn't really matter.
Glancing up at the pale, sickly white sky, a familiar face appeared in his mind for a moment, tearing at his sanity. His warm gaze, overflowing with love and kindness. It only strengthened Sasuke's resolve.
"Stop," he hissed, "don't look at me that way if you're only going to leave."
He took a shallow breath and jumped down onto the rail below. His knees hit the cold metal hard. So he was still able to feel pain. He wondered if it would hurt… how much it would hurt. An ice-cold sensation filled his veins, making his heart jump. Naruto's annoying voice in his mind again. "Think of your brother!"
Yes, think of my brother. Would it break Itachi's heart? He grinned.
The answer to that question made his chest ache to the extent that he had to check that he wasn't mangled already. No, he realized when he found himself still staring absentmindedly at the pattern of loose stones in front of him.
Not yet. He could hear a speaker voice floating out over the station:
"Train 11 incoming in two minutes."
Sasuke gritted his teeth for a moment. He took a deep breath; the sound of the crowd's chattering was trying to break through his mental barrier. They were blissfully unaware of him, of course.
How many seconds left? He counted down.
One minute and forty seconds…
One minute and twenty seconds…
Itachi's face plagued him in his mind. He mentally tried to cover his ears and eyes, but his beautiful face was still there, looking at him with such love.
Stop it!
Those days were over now. All his scars would finally disappear, along with the thoughts. 'The world would have been much better without me – no – it wouldn't have made any difference at all.'
All the worn out cliché expressions would perish from his world. 'It will get better', 'things change for the better'. They could keep their dirty lies to themselves.
Even his words – "It's alright, Sasuke."
And now he was closing in on death. He spent some moments imagining Itachi's reaction when he saw him die, or found out about the death of his little brother.
Let the bastard cry.
Sasuke squeezed his eyes together hard. Damn it. There was no use in thinking about him. Because life was so fucking unfair, there was no justice in anything.
He did not want to see Itachi cry. He did not want him to suffer. Sasuke had heard so much about it – what he was about to do would affect everyone but himself. Himself too, of course, but he was not going to experience it.
Everyone who knew about it would someday ask themselves: 'Why did it happen? What was the final straw? Did it have anything to do with… me?' They would feel like they failed him. As if he cared about them.
He would lose all purpose without Itachi.
Only thirty seconds to go.
Sasuke grasped the stones in his hands, as he registered it somewhere in the back of his mind - the rumble of the train approaching.
Blinding lights hit him in the face. The loud thumping increased and became ear-splitting loud.
He closed his eyes.
"Sasuke!"
Feedback is very welcome.