DEDICATION; For Lincoln; and everything you were to me.
EVERYTHING
x.lithiumx.lithiumx.lithium;
The name stood out to Tezuka as if its existence might shatter if he looked away.
...kumaru Eiji, Fuji Syuusuke, Tezuka Kunimits...
The rest of the names faded into oblivion around that one name. The name which he had been most careful to tread around while running circles in his mind. It had been countless years since he'd last seen the owner of that name. Tezuka had learnt over time that the memories he wanted most to supress had a tendency to come unbidden to the surface of his consciousness at the slightest reminders.
That familiar choking sensation rose to Tezuka's throat and his chest felt as if it were being constricted.
"Why would you...Fuji, you were everything to me."
"You are...a mistake," faraway blue eyes met Tezuka's, and the captain was reminded of a time when he had wanted nothing more than to warm those cold eyes, "...Tezuka, just a mistake." There had been no remorse in Fuji's eyes or voice. The young prodigy had been indifferent, and that was all.
That day, Tezuka learnt the meaning of the word 'despair', because not even the physical pain of the breakdown of his shoulder could compare to the way the air stung every time he inhaled.
Crystalline eyes that almost looked pitying as they watched at him blinked uncomprehendingly, "You...you're crying, Tezuka." The wonderous tone of Fuji's voice made his heart clench, and a blue eye came to peer into his own, "I guess you're not so infallible after all, ne, Tezuka? Why...of all people did you let your guard down with me?" The slender chin of the boy across from him raised just the tiniest bit, "You should know better than anyone my nature as a prodigy. The ones closest to God," Fuji's hand reached up to grasp at unresponsive heavens, "...are the ones most untouchable by God's greatest mistake."
"Love." Tezuka managed to rasp.
The tensai looked upon him, eyes opening in approval of Tezuka's understanding, "Love," he agreed.
Knowing that Fuji was somewhere within the banquet hall was enough to make Tezuka's heart tremble, but Oishi had been a valuable friend to him when things were rough and missing his wedding had been unacceptable. Still, the ex-captain found his hand clutching almost desperately at the glass he held, as if it were a Fuji repellent.
"Tezuka, nya!"
"Ah,"
Tezuka gave the red-head a warning look, letting the barest of smiles grace his face as Kikumaru came bounding up to him and just barely restraining himself from glomping the other man. The acrobatics player had been an ally he had been surprised to find on his side during his and Fuji's break-up. Tezuka had watched helplessly as the arguments tore apart the friendship between Fuji and Kikumaru, and when he questioned the him about it later, Kikumaru had given Tezuka one of the saddest smiles he'd ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Kikumaru."
The red-head was bent over in Tezuka's apartment, his sobs racking his body as Oishi did his best to reassure his friend. Dullened black-blue eyes met Tezuka's, and the captain recognized a part of Kikumaru that he'd never quite seen before.
"Nya, Fuji said some pretty horrible things back there, Tezuka; to both me and you." Despite the upset hiccups still running through Kikumaru's body, the other boy did his best to throw on a smile.
"...Yes, he did." Tezuka's voice came out more strained than he wanted it to, but what was worse was the vulnerability he saw flash through Kikumaru's eyes. As Oishi bustled off to make some tea, Tezuka and the acrobatics player shared a moment of silent understanding. They'd never quite been on the same wavelength before.
"Nya, it seems like it takes Fuji kicking out our feet from under us to make us finally reach each other, Tezuka."
"He was enough," whispered Tezuka, eyes closing momentarily as the familiar face bubbled to the surface of his mind, "That we never needed to reach out for one another,"
"You might thing I'm childish and unworthy," Eiji stood up and despite the way he needed a hand against the wall to support his weight, Tezuka thought the other had never seemed stronger before, "But I would never choose to be on Fuji's side just because I am closer to him than you. I, too, understand justice, Tezuka-buchou. Fuji was wrong in hurting you."
"You..." brown eyes softened ever so slightly as he gazed equally at Kikumaru, "...are worthy."
Both of their wills faltered and Eiji leaned forward to place his forehead on Tezuka's shoulder as the captain leaned ever so slightly on the other's side, "Tezuka-buchou, nya." Silent from the door, Oishi thought that both their voices, strained and cracking, sang the saddest song he'd ever heard, "Neither of us could touch Fujiko's heart in the end after all, could we..?"
"Ah, I only wish that he has someone there to save him when he falls."
The departure of Fuji to Hyotei High had found the rest of the Regulars still closely knit. Despite their non-existent closeness in junior high, Tezuka had found one of the closest friends he'd ever had in Eiji. Along with Oishi, their friendship had only grown from there. Even now, it was without hesitation that Tezuka referred to Kikumaru as one of his best friends. He'd even succumbed to the red-head's pleas to call him as 'Eiji' because apparently 'Kikumaru' felt too distant.
"Tezuka, nya! Isn't she beautiful, tonight? She is a wonderful bride for Oishi!"
Tezuka smiled slightly, raising his glass from across the room at Oishi, who smiled and waved in return. Turning back to Eiji, Tezuka nodded, "Ah. Where is your girlfriend?"
Eiji grinned, opening his mouth and rambling about his girlfriend. Both Oishi and Eiji had been dating their respective girlfriends for a while now, and it filled Tezuka with a mysterious kind of satisfaction to see his friends happy. Particularly one day when he had seen Eiji, who was still terribly shaken by Fuji's betrayal, in the park sitting on the pavement across his pretty girlfriend, holding her hand and waving his other hand, talking animatedly.
It made the world considerably brighter, Tezuka had discovered.
After a few more minutes of idle chat, the red-head's eyes became serious. "Nya, Tezuka...Fuji is out on the balcony." Ah, Tezuka could always count on Eiji. Despite his childish appearance, he was actually much more perceptive than people took the energetic young man to be.
A few minutes later, the night found Fuji sitting on the balcony, Tezuka carefully shutting the glass doors of the balcony, cutting off the music and noice of chatter from within the room. Without so much as turning or batting an eye, Fuji acknowleged Tezuka's presence.
"Saa...it is a beautiful night, isn't it, Tezuka?"
Tezuka affirmation came in silence as he drew up a chair to sit beside the prodigy. "So, how have you been, Tezuka? Winning those titles and hearts of all the girls?" Fuji smiled, turning to face Tezuka with those eyes so lacking emotions once more, "Saa...time has weathered our silent language, Tezuka, I am not so intuitive that I can read your silence anymore."
"Why did you kiss her back then, Fuji?"
"Saa...because I wanted to," whispered Fuji. Tezuka felt the cold in the night air sink a few degrees, there was nothing quite as chilling as Fuji.
"You lie."
Fuji laughed, bitterly. Tossing his head backwards to reveal the delicate throat, Fuji laughed into the night, the sound beautiful and enchanting and insane all at the same time. "Isn't it a bit late to be looking for truth now, Tezuka? Our relationship had always been about lies; me pretending to be what I wasn't, you hiding your true potential in tennis, I never was the only one running from the real me, Tezuka, was I?"
"It was how it had to be,"
The resounding chuckle was quiet and haunting. It was longing. "I was afraid. You were Tezuka Kunimitsu, you could have had anything. It was much easier for it to be anyone else, anyone but you. It was much easier to throw away what we had then than the alternative. One more day, minute, second with you would have meant crossing that line and I couldn't stand that. God loves me so, Tezuka. There has never been anything wrong with me before, how could I disappoint him, disappoint everyone?"
"You claimed you were untouched by love."
"I wanted to be, Tezuka! Oh, how I wanted to be...simplicity is beauty." The glass in Fuji's hand shattered, "And love...is anything but simple. I wanted to be untouched by it so much...that for a short while I was, I could convince myself that I was and spit that out at you and Eiji. It was cruel and unfair, but...You were going to be the death of me, Tezuka Kunimitsu. You were my greatest mistake."
The kiss was a mess of Tezuka grabbing Fuji's wrist and dragging him forward, the two of them pressing against the glass door and Tezuka trying to reach for something within Fuji. It sent eletricity flying through his skull and it was okay, because Fuji was against his body and Fuji was kissing him back and he had found what he needed.
When he finally pulled away, the air was silent and then Fuji was slipping through the glass door, but not before saying, "But it worked, Tezuka, didn't it? You'd never bring yourself backwards across that line for me."
"It's okay, it's okay..."
The blanket curled around his body and the stars looked farther away then they had ever seemed before. Long after Yumiko had left, he was still wide awake. Fuji knew that he was a person of a rare kind, he couldn't escape to the sweet confines of sleep, because his body could last for days without sleep and still look beautiful.
No, sleep would not be coming to Fuji anytime soon.
"It's okay, it's okay..."
Fuji repeated the mantra to himself, over and over, over and over. "Te...zuka." The blood running down his arms went noticed as his fists made contact with the mirror, sending the shards flying and a terrified Yuuta and Yumiko rushing into the room, taking several seconds to pull their brother away as he punched the reflecting surface.
"Tezuka! Tezuka!" he could barely feel the grip his siblings had on his arms, nor could he feel the sting of the cuts decorating his arms, "Why did I make you go? Tezuka!"
Fuji was not overly surprised when Eiji showed up at the door of his hotel room.
From a second's glance, he had understood how close the red-head had become with Tezuka. In a far, distant part of his mind he was glad that Tezuka had found some people to care for him. But what hurt was the formality with which Eiji treated him.
he hadn't come in, simply treated him with a distant, "Fuji," at the door. "Nya, I-I don't know you anymore, Fuji."
"It's better if you don't, Eiji."
Indigo eyes flared, "For who? You, me, everyone? How was leaving Tezuka better for anyone, Fuji?"
"It...it's better this way."
"Why, nya?" Eiji stomped one foot childishly, and Fuji was slightly relieved to see that his childhood friend had kept some of his attributes. Familiarity was not something he was accustomed to nowadays, and any closeness to the simple times he'd had back at Seigaku made things easier. "It's not better for anyone even if you remove yourself from our lives, Fuji. You're not protecting anyone, not you, not me, not Tezuka. We needed you to be there. To be here."
"I don't-!"
"You aren't helping anyone, Fujiko!" Desperation found its way into Eiji's voice, "I didn't go into Law school because you, the one who was always there for me, sudden wasn't, Oishi worries all the more knowing you're not there to catch everyone who falls, Tezuka isn't willing to lift anyone into the air and spin them around like he used to with you! Echizen...Echizen idolized both you and Tezuka, with one of his heroes gone he just stopped. His passion is gone and Taka always wanted to make you the best wasabi sushi..!" The red-head's breaths were coming in pants now, "And Inui, Kaidou, and Momo!"
"Don't you understand, Fujiko? We were a team, and we can't be without you. Seigaku always had three pillars, not just two. You were the one who showed us who we were meant to be."
Oishi could still remember their last get together as a team; before Fuji and Tezuka broke up.
It had been a beautiful day and they'd at last agreed to go to the beach. Kaidou had quickly started jogging up and down the beach because according to Fuji-senpai, it was good conditioning. The rest of them were playing a game of beach volleyball and despite winning Nationals for tennis, only Fuji, Eiji, and Momo had any real talent, mostly because Eiji jumping up and down at the net sent the balls flying back, Fuji being a genius and Momo's dunk smash was rather applicable to a volleyball spike.
They'd fooled around on the volleyball court, playing not very well at volleyball in general. Eventually even Kaidou joined in. What was odd was the way something stirred in Oishi's heart, because being with the team made Oishi feel more at home then he'd ever felt before.
Fuji stood at the door of Tezuka's hotel room, watching as Tezuka stared in slight curiosity at the prodigy.
Before he could think twice about what he was doing, Fuji pushed himself past Tezuka and closed the door to the room. "You...you are crying, Fuji."
"I want you to lift me up and spin me around in the air like you used to, Tezuka, and I want Eiji to go to law school and Oishi to not have to worry. I want Kaidou to keep improving himself and Echizen to find his heart again, and Taka to keep gaining confidence. I want Inui to keep improving his data and-," Fuji cried harder, "And I want Momo to keep being so passionate. And I want you. I miss you."
It was a wonderful feeling, Fuji decided, to be in Tezuka's arms again. Arms that were familiar and new to him all at once.
"Those who are closest to God," whispered Tezuka, brushing aside the brown tresses of hair from Fuji's face, "Are the ones most afraid of God's greatest creation, and the ones most capable of drawing people together with this creation."
"Love," whispered Fuji hushedly.
"Love," agreed Tezuka, smiling, "And the ones closest to God, are the ones who can love the strongest, when they are not afraid of it." Kneeling so that he could be on eye level with Fuji, seated on his bed, Tezuka smiled gently. The smile that Fuji had coaxed out of its shell so long ago, when sunsets were spent in the safety of Seigaku's shadows and free of all perplexing thoughts. "Are you, Fuji?" whispered the ex-captain, "Are you afraid of love, child of God?"
It was easy to play the role of prodigy, flawless and perfect. It was considerably harder to play the role of human, Fuji decided as he wrapped his arms around Tezuka's neck, "I was, Tezuka, I was. But if you're there by my side, I'm not afraid, Tezuka."
"I'm not afraid."
x.lithiumx.lithiumx.lithium;