Disclaimer: I am not God. I do not own this. (no that did not have any deep spiritual meaning. It just means that JKRowling is God. Which she is. So therefore…I am not sure where I was planning on going with this. Other then to ask you kindly not to sue me! Thanks darling!)
I dedicate this Idiotic Crack-Fic to Pearla914, the Laughing Girl, who is my bestie foreve. Because this whole thing is her fault ALL OF IT. Okay, maybe not all of it but, most of it anyway…alright just the general idea.
It's 3 am. That is the only excuse I have. Feeble, I know. Please Read, Review, and Flame if the mood strikes you.
Once upon a time in a little place called Hogwarts, there were two Wonderful girls named Frankie and Jenny. Frankie and Jenny were best friends. They were also Mother-in-Law and Daughter-In-Law, kind of. See Frankie had killed Narcissa Malfoy and then Married Lucius, making him the first man in her Harem. Jenny had married Draco Malfoy, since he was her soul mate and actually the same age as she was. That made the best friends related! This made them very happy.
One day, as Frankie was collecting men for her Harem, she had a thought. She turned to Jenny and asked, "What if some of my men have STDs? That would suck…or not suck, depending on whether or not you want to make a sexual innuendo out of it."
Jenny squinted at her and pulled on the leash that she kept around her husband's neck. Draco whimpered prettily and she smiled at him. He smirked back. "Well, Frankie, I would say that before you…do anything with any of them, you should get them check at St. Mungo's."
Frankie nodded thoughtfully and turned a critical eye on the men following her. In a loose group stood Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Oliver Wood, Fred and George Weasley, Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Ron Weasley Seamus Finnegan, Victor Krum, and Luna Lovegood. Frankie blinked. Nope, She was still there. She blinked again. "Luna, what are you doing with my Harem?"
The blonde girl smiled dreamily, "Well, I thought that all these men could protect me from the Crimpled Belly Jerkbathard and I quite fancy a 16-some."
Frankie raised an eyebrow and nodded, clearly confused, but not willing to question the obviously insane Ravenclaw. Waving at Jenny, she made a portkey and took them all to St. Mungo's. Marching up to the desk, she demanded to see the person who ran the hospital. Eyeing the large group of men…and woman, at her back, the receptionist nodded and led them down a hallway up a set of stair across a catwalk, around a pond, through several fireplaces, into a cave, and finally through a door. Behind the door was a forest with a clearing. In the center of the clearing, a vampire sat at a desk scribbling on a piece of a Hallmark Greeting Card from last St. Patrick's Day. Frankie nodded at the woman who left hurriedly.
The vampire looked up and Frankie froze. Then, flung herself at him. "Cedward! I haven't seen you in ages! Have you bitten Jenny and Draco Yet? Have you three had a heinous orgy of awesomeness, yet? No? I am soooooo disappointed! I expected more in the pervert department from you! Stalking just doesn't cut it anymore! Anywhoo! I need you to check over all the men…and Luna, I guess…in my Harem! I can't be catching an STD from them. That would be evil! And could you make sure that none of them, except Severus and Lucius can have children? I still need them to get it up, but no little swimmers, ya know? Good! Well, get to it then!"
An hour later, Cedward and the Harem reappeared in the clearing. "I have mostly good news, but some bad. Which first?"
Frankie eyed Severus and Lucius suspiciously, hairy-eyeballing them. Both cringed under her stare, causing Harry to dance with delight. Until she turned her special hairy-eyeball on him and he whimpered and slunk away to sulk. "Bad news first!"
"Well, Ron has AIDS, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Jock Itch, Hep A, Hep E, Hep D, Hep B, Herpes, Genital Warts, and Crabs."
Everyone turned to Ron in shock and he shrugged. "What? My family is super poor. I wanted to get Hermione a good Christmas present so I've been whoring all summer. What can I say? It's a living."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Ron you fuck up, why did you just ask the Twins to work in their shop? How are you gonna Fuck Hermione now, with that shit load of disease, some of which are incurable?"
"They're what?!?!?!?" Ron shrieked and fainted dead away. Cedward eyed him speculatively.
"And the good news is everyone else is fine. All set like you wanted."
Frankie's eyes lit up "Excellent!!! I am soooo gonna fuck me some hot men tonight!"
Cedward shot her an odd and concerned look. Frankie trooped out, her Harem behind her, through a blizzard, a Hurricane, major Flooding, a wildfire or two, hail, sleet, tornadoes, a couple of volcanic eruptions, and a minor power-outage. Finally, they all arrived back at Hogwarts, only to run into the Headmaster. "WHASSS ARE YOSS DOIN'SS BEINSSS ALL PARADE AND HAREMSSS LIKE AROUND HERA??" said in his usual soft-spoken, attention commanding, even, and calm voice.
Frankie snorted. "We are being a Harem."
Dumbledore nodded sagely and ducked his head. He snorted and then coughed. The look of concern fled his face and he smiled serenely, eyes all a-twinkle. "Good! Good! Carry one. I need to go find my meth-lab…I mean a bathroom in the Room of Requirement. Ta!"
With that he tottled down the corridor and vanished from sight. Frankie watched him go, wondering about the effect Cancer had on Dumbledore's whole personality. Dying really tended to change a person. He didn't even look them same. And when did he decide it would be cool to tie that weird little ball chain thing around his beard? EPIC FAIL!!! Shrugging, Frankie took her Harem off to a very large and secluded area and proceed to have lots of Sex and watch them all have lots of Sex with each other! ORGY!!! WOOT.
In the meantime, Cedward, Jenny, and Draco, on his leash, had all moved to Utah and now Jenny had two husbands. One random night in the middle of August, which had no other significance to it but that fact that it happened to fall on the 6th Sunday of the month and that Mars, Venus and a planet 3 galaxies over call Wattlebird were all visible in the night sky, Cedward bit both Draco, who had removed his collar for the occasion, and Jenny. They turned into vampires and all lived happily ever after, because in their case that was actually possible. Although I doubt it would be probable because when Happiness is your constant state it turns into boredom…although maybe not if you are fucking two amazingly gorgeous British men…huh. I'll have to test that sometime.
Anyway, So the aliens came down and Had tea and cookies with Frankie and her Harem. The end.