The Foretastes of Jaded Faction

Lavatorial Humour and Other Bumf

Oooh, this is me, branching into Green Wing! I had no idea what to use as the title of this little collection of drabbles, based on those little in-between scenes which really have no point whatsoever but they're rather amusing nonetheless. So here it is, the first one, may more come if you decide to make my day and review… And I hope the British Comedy genre gets up and running soon, it's so slow compared to other fandoms. May more Green Wingers come!

Guy Secretan glanced restlessly from side to side, fidgeting slightly in his dark blue suit, bought new for the occasion, of course. For Guy was at the prestigious Swiss Schwingen Convention in London, a rare honour for only a half-Swiss.­

'I can't believe Schwingen is a type of wrestling. Who knew?" Guy swept a flute of champagne off a passing waiter, downing it in one shot. "I mean by the name you'd immediately think-"

"That what, you'd get here and there'd be naked couples everywhere, writhing bodies for all the eye to see?" Mac, who had been dragged along as Guy's escort, not something he was entirely up for, nodded and smiled to the various suits around them which formed a small circle of wealthy Swiss businessmen and their escorts, all dressed immaculately in the latest Swiss fashions. All except for Mac, who looked rather out of place in a leather jacket and jeans.

"Well yeah, it's not even naked wrestling!" Guy kept his voice low so as not to offend the other men around them. 'Talk about a waste of time!"

"So, Mr Secretan, what do you think of the proposition of joining the Schwingen Guild for particularly interested Schwingeners?" A man in a startlingly golden suit turned his attention to Guy.

"Well, actually, I'd love to stay and discuss the prospect of socialising with people and enjoying good food, fine wines and intelligent conversation, or perhaps converse with like-minded and economically influential men like yourself, but I'm afraid the champagne is… going through me…" He glanced between a few of the men, trying to convey his need to excuse himself. "I… need to shake the dew off the lily…"

The Swiss men around him looked puzzled, wrinkles creasing their botoxed foreheads.

Guy tried again, glancing at Mac for help. The latter, however, was rubbing the bridge of his nose and trying to keep the smirk off his face. "I need to drain the snake… you know, shake hands with an old friend."

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Mr Secretan."

He sighed, closed his eyes and counted to ten, trying to keep his temper, and the raging torrent of liquid inside of him under control. "I need to pump ship, to burn the grass, to water the dragon!"

"He, uh, needs to check on the scones, visit Sir John, pick a rose." Mac stepped in to help, deciding that there was only so much strain Guy could take before he burst. And the literal result wouldn't be pretty. "He's got to visit the old soldier's home!"

"Sorry, where do you have to go Mr Secretan?"

"To the bog!" Guy was now squirming as he fought to control his bladder.

Mac nodded, inwardly praying that the Swiss idiots would understand the loo-phemism.

"To the Gents!"

"The Holy of Holies!"

"The Jericho!"

"The netty!"

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about, Mr Secretan, and, er…" He squinted hard at Mac's name tag, speaking as the very sound left a bad taste in his mouth. "…Mac. Would you care to be more precise?"

"Precise? Precise?! Do you know hard it is to be precise when there's a raging waterfall of piss just waiting to explode out of your penis? Very fucking hard, that's how hard! And if your head is shoved that far up your non-swinging clothed arse that you can't see I need to go to the toilet then perhaps I should just piss all over you!"

There was an ominous silence. An elegant lady dropped her hor devours into a champagne flute, and the golden suited man stared at guy, agape.

Guy hesitated for just a moment, then thrust his empty flute into Mac's hands and bolted for the bathroom, pushing stunned people out of his way as he went. There was a moment of silence before Guy came rushing back.

"Actually, I'll, uh, just grab some of these…" He scooped up a couple of hor devours from a waiter, nodded his thanks and darted off to relieve himself.

Mac turned to the group of silent Swiss gentlemen. "He uh, he can't hold his liquor very well. Sorry."

And there it is, just a little bit of fun. Thanks for reading! Now you should review. even if it's just a smiley face..