How Sweet Life Would Be…
Disclamer: The Jedi are owned by Lucasfilm, the lyrics belong to Depeche Mode and I make absolutely no money.
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The Jedi lived within the Force. That meant that they relied on it, not only in battle or action, but also in times of contemplation or emotional stress. – But Obi-Wan realized that most people were not Jedi and therefore had to find other ways of dealing with hardships. And oh, there had been hardships enough lately – for everybody. Whoever said that war was hell, was absolutely right.
So when the local troops decided to take advantage of a lull in the fighting to improvise a night of entertainment, he found it quite appropriate that he and Anakin should join them.
The whole thing was makeshift in nature. A stage build in one end of a dinning hall and extra chairs placed where it was possible. The performances were likewise. Battle-hardened soldiers who, for a few hours became somebody else, ghosts of the people that could have been, had the war never started.
The Jedi Master was so deep in his musings of life, that he didn't notice Anakin had disappeared until he saw a tall, dark and familiar figure in the spotlight. Obi-Wan's first reaction was an irritated frown. Such exhibitions only served the ego, something a Jedi shouldn't be concerned with. – But as Anakin's voice floated though the air, strangely soft and yet strong at the same time, Obi-Wan truly began to listen.
"If I could just hide
the sinner inside
and keep him denied
How sweet life would be
if I could be free
from the sinner in me."
He had spent almost every waken moment in over a decade with the boy. And yet he never knew he could sing.
"I'll never be a saint
That's not a picture that your memory paints
Not renowned for my patience
I'm not renowned for my restraint
But you're always around
You can always be found
to pick me up when I'm on the ground."
Anakin's eyes shone blue and bright, and a small smile played in the corner of his lips as he meet Obi-Wan's stare.
Anakin had always been an enigma. Apparently open and honest about his thoughts and feelings, but Obi-Wan knew that there was something that he kept hidden. A part of him could never be reached or changed. – Not by him or anybody else.
But at this moment, Obi-Wan felt that Anakin was letting him catch a glimpse of it… That which made Anakin unique.
"If I could just hide
The sinner inside
And keep him denied
How sweet life would be
If I could be free
From the sinner in me."
Obi-Wan frowned slightly. It was strange to hear such melancholy words from his apprentice. Anakin would usually never admit weakness of any kind. Obi-Wan had seen that sort of behaviour in others and suspected that it related to his earlier life. Who would want to waste food and water on a weak slave…
And as if Anakin had read his mind and knew the path of his thoughts, the song continued.
"I'm still recovering
Still getting over all the suffering
More known for my anger
Than for any other thing
But you've always tried
To be by my side
And catch my fall when I start to slide."
Obi-Wan lifted his eyes to stare at Anakin's face. The boy's meet his eyes and smiled. A small smile, but somehow still filled with a world of meaning. The Jedi relied on the Force, not emotions. Therefore the Jedi did not relied on people either.
But Anakin was not like the other Jedi. His connection with the Force was the strongest the Order had experienced in centuries, maybe even millennia, so strong that Obi-Wan suspected that neither he or any other living Jedi were able to understand it.
But now Obi-Wan understood one thing: Anakin relied on him, needed him, felt as connected to him as to the Force. It made him feel….. proud… and protective…. And something deeper, something no Jedi shouldn't think about – something he shouldn't think about…
A Jedi should not think about these things, not talk about them. It was against the Code. But somehow Anakin had found a way - a way to tell of his emotions without actually saying them, a way to open himself up without appearing woundable and a way for them to be able to go on from here as though nothing had happened.
"If I could just hide
The sinner inside
And keep him denied
How sweet life would be
If I could be free
From the sinner in me."
Never had Obi-Wan understood so well. Life had suddenly become terribly complicated. He knew he had to keep this new awareness of his apprentice hidden, even from himself. If he did that, he could remain a Jedi and train Anakin, help him develop his inborn talents and become the strongest, wisest and kindest of Jedi Masters one day.
But still there was a small voice somewhere deep within him that would keep whispering: How sweet life would be…