Title: "Learning to Forgive"
Author: Stephjag aka Steph or pierre.oeyenpandora.be)
Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; if they were mine I can assure you that Harm and Mac wouldn't have suffered that much. They are the propriety of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario. No copyright infringement intended.
Classification: JAG story, angst and for further information, I don't really know.
Rating+13 (just to be on the safe side)
Spoilers: Beginning season 9. Mostly "Persian Gulf", "Take Like a Man" and "Coming Home"
Summary: Harm wants to help Mac, but he can't if she doesn't let him in – he can't get through the walls she's built around her. Mac is struggling with feelings toward the dead of Sadik Fahd… Will she able to get over it and let somebody help her?
Author's note: I suppose that everyone knows now that Mac hasn't really been my best friend lately, I'm still not really happy with the way she acts, but I think I can understand why she's doing it. I'm happy that Harm is still there to help even if she doesn't want him to. And as for Webb, let's just say that I can't stand him anymore. So don't expect me to be nice to him, because he went way too far this time.
I guess you can consider this is a kind of sequel to my story "Cold Wave" – it's going to go in same line of thoughts as that story. Thanks to all the readers and friends that are a great support for me so I can continue to write. I hope you'll enjoy this one too!
Many thanks to AeroGirl and Dae for beta-reading! Any, left mistakes are mine and mine only.
Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.
2339 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Mac was sitting at her desk, holding her head in her hands. When had she lost control of her life like this? What was left of the Marine she was so proud to be? Had it disappeared when she'd killed Sadik? Well, Sadik was gone, but he had definitely left his mark on her.
She wouldn't admit it to anyone else, but the terrorist had managed to breach the walls she had started to build as a little girl when her father was hitting her mother. She had promised herself that no man would ever raise a hand to her.
Now here she was, sitting at her desk, feeling completely lost since that night when she'd killed him. She was feeling empty, and had done and said a lot of stupid things. She was acting defensively with everyone – whether she wanted it or not, she couldn't help it.
All the memories had resurfaced, and she couldn't get rid of them, and it was driving her insane. Sadik Fahd hadn't killed her physically, but he'd definitely done some mental damage. His words were branded in her mind – if only she hadn't gone to Paraguay, if only she hadn't listened to Clay, none of this would have happened.
Clay Webb, another part of her life that she wasn't proud of; because she was starting to realize that she had made a mistake by dating him. He wasn't there when he needed her – he never was, and there was something else that was bothering her more than she ever thought it could. Clay was always drinking when she was around. Sarah Mackenzie hadn't touched a drop of alcohol in six years, but still…, she felt like he didn't respect her.
Harm would never have done that. He respected her no matter what and she knew it – she just knew it. She remembered once where they were at McMurphy's Bar, and Harm was already drinking a glass of bourbon when she came in. He'd asked her if it didn't bother her, and she had answered that is was his drink and not hers.
A bashful smile appeared on her lips then. Sometimes the most important things were the smallest ones. Those little memories were the only positive things in Mac's life for the time being and… Harm, but it seemed all she could do now was push him away…
0016 ZULU
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
Washington, D.C.
"Damn it!" Harm muttered to himself.
He knew that Mac was in pain, but he couldn't do anything about it. Mac wouldn't let him in, – she wouldn't let him in, and he couldn't get through the fortress she'd built around herself. Sarah Mackenzie wasn't her usual self anymore since what had happened with Sadik Fahd. He had managed to crack her confidence. She was acting like the situation hadn't been a big deal – after all, she had killed a horrible person who would have killed hundred of innocent people, so where was the problem?
Harm knew her better than that. She'd put on a mask that wasn't showing anyone she was hurt, fragile, vulnerable, or even that she was in pain. Every time he'd tried to bring up the subject about what the real problem was, she just got mad or angry, and left the room like she couldn't bear the truth – like it was too much for her.
What was she so scared of? Why wouldn't she let anybody close to her? Harm felt helpless. Mac – his best friend – was avoiding him. On the other hand, she was coming to him when she felt sad, or when she felt the need for some kind of comfort, and he was grateful that she still trusted him.
This wouldn't get them anywhere for now, he knew all too well. Harm wanted to help her, but he wasn't sure he would be able to give her the help she needed, because Mac seemed to be in some sort of denial phase. She acted like nothing or no one could hurt her, she was aggressive, and she wasn't really aware of it; and if she was, she was doing a hell of a job to hide it.
Harmon Rabb, Jr felt frustrated. He wanted to call her, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Mac first needed to sort things out on her own. He knew that as long as she refused to admit that she had a problem, things wouldn't go better in her life, she wouldn't be able to move on as long as Sarah wouldn't face her fears…Harm also knew that he could not force her to do so.
Sarah Mackenzie needed to deal with her feelings, talk about them to free herself – to free her soul…
Harm got up from the couch and headed slowly toward the fridge, opened the door and took a bottle of water out of it, still wondering about Mac. Closing the fridge door again, he turned a little too fast, and felt slightly dizzy. Harm had quickly recovered from his 'little' accident, but from time to time he still could feel some dizziness. His hearing was back, and Mattie had returned down the hall to her apartment.
Thinking of it, Harm realized that his best friend just needed to do the things Mattie needed do toward her father, but for now the teenage girl wasn't ready and neither was Mac. Harm was about to go back to the couch when he heard a knock on his door, Not moving to answer it, he just sat and said: "It's open, come on in."
He was greeted with a surprise when he looked in the direction of the now open door. He just stared at the person; he knew he was probably looking like and idiot, but he couldn't help it and just continued to stare. A few seconds later, Harm managed to shake himself out of his trance and wanted to stand up, but was stopped by the voice of the person that'd just entered his apartment. Closing the door behind her, she said, "No, don't – there's no need to stand up for me." Her voice was soft, and if Harm had to put a name on the thing that was also present in it, he would have said it was sadness and hurt. He could definitely sense that something was wrong and he hoped that this time he wasn't responsible for it.
"Mac, you all right?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah, I'm okay," she said, walking toward him and stopping few inches away from him. She didn't do anything. She just looked at him intently for a few instants then started softly, "Can I sit next to you, please?"
"Sure, you can," he said just as softly, gesturing toward the place next to him.
Mac sat down on the couch and twisted her fingers nervously – she had been weighing the pros and cons all over since she'd left the office. Should I go? Shouldn't I?
She'd been asking herself those two questions over and over again all the way down to Harm's apartment, only to finally give in and find the strength to knock on his door.
Now here she was in Harm's apartment, sitting next to him and unable to say a word to him. But how was she supposed to say what she wanted so badly to tell him after all they'd been through? Their friendship had suffered a lot; she knew she had had hurt him, but he still seemed to be there for her. She couldn't even begin to understand why he hadn't given up, simply backed away from her so he could go on with his life and let her struggle with all her problems on her own.
Without being really aware of it, Mac whispered, "Thank you…"
Harm looked at her with questioning eyes. "What for?"
"For being there for me every time I needed it. For not judging me. For not forcing to do something I wouldn't want to do. For not drinking a glass of bourbon, or anything else that contains alcohol in it in front of me," she said, her eyes filling with tears.
"There is nothing to thank me for, Mac. You are my friend, and I respect you," Harm said, reaching out to take her hands in his.
She smiled at her friend softly, silently thanking God that Harm had crossed her path so many years ago. A scene from a few months ago flashed through her mind; though it was not a good one.
"He's seducing you."
"What?" Mac asked, disbelieving and offended.
"He's forcing you to think about him. He wants something from you, Mac, and he may just have found your weakness."
"What weakness?" Mac said, a little hurt.
Leaning a little forward, Harm continued, "You wanna know what he's up to, so that way he's using your intelligence against you."
"You were right," Mac whispered, looking down at their joined hands.
"Right?"
Mac felt tears came up and closed her eyes, hoping that it would prevent the tears from coming down. With a trembling lower lip, she forced herself to answer her friend. "Yes, you were right about what Sadik wanted."
Harm looked at her, puzzled, not sure how to interpret what she just said. Mac, seeing the confusion in her friend's eyes, went on. "Harm, do you remember when you told me that he was seducing me? You were right. You were right about everything," she said, tears now rolling down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was right – I wish I would have been wrong," Harm told her softly.
"I also wished you were wrong, but the fact is you aren't – once again you aren't, Harm… this wasn't the first time you've tried to warn me, and I wouldn't listen 'cause I'm too stubborn, and too proud to even admit that I could possibly have been wrong. And worst of all, I've tried to fool myself about the person I really am…" Mac swallowed hard, trying to contain the flood of emotions that was running through her.
"Hey… Mac, it's okay. Don't say that. You've made choices that maybe weren't always the best ones, but you managed to become a great person, someone that I respect and that I'm proud to have as a friend," Harm said softly, reaching his right hand to cup her face with a small smile.
Mac instinctively leaned into the touch and laid her hand on Harm's, just like she had done on the admiral's porch a few moments before they'd kissed at her engagement party. Harm's hand felt so soft and so strong at the same time. Mac was really enjoying the feeling and realized that she had really missed his touch … and another flash slipped through her mind.
Mac was sitting on the couch in front of Sadik, looking at him defiantly.
"Do I have something you want?"
He stared at her for a few seconds before going on. "You are an intelligent, beautiful woman all men want…"
She cut him off dryly. "All men want what?"
Sadik Fahd leaned a little forward. "What their mothers could never give them."
"What do you want?" she asked, still looking with an intense look in her eyes.
He opened his mouth to answer something, but the words didn't come out right away. After a moment, he seemed to smile. "I want… Tea. Make it for me."
"Like a good Muslim woman…" Mac added sadly before standing up to actually make him some tea.
"Mac?" Harm asked, softly.
"Huh? What?" She jumped.
"You sure you're okay?" he asked her, squeezing her cheek a little.
Mac looked at him with tear-filled eyes. She felt lost and she was desperate to tell someone what she'd been through, but she didn't want to bother him with it – she didn't want him to feel sad or guilty for what had happened to her. Harm hadn't been responsible for anything. She had been the one who had accepted the suicidal mission. She had been the one who'd chosen to go out with Clay… she was to blame for how she felt right now – she was to blame because she let Sadik Fahd break through the walls of her armor.
"Oh, Mac, come here…" Harm told her softly, leaning forward and opening his arms so he could take her into an embrace.
Mac only hesitated a second before cuddling herself into his arms. Harm put his arms around her and held her tight, stroking her hair lightly. "Sssh, Mac… it's going to be okay, I promise," he said softly, placing a gentle kiss on her head.
A few seconds later, Mac couldn't fight the wave of emotions that went through her and she cried. She had been constantly controlling her emotions, even with Clay; she hadn't been able to really talk to him because he wouldn't let her. And when she tried to tell him about Sadik, he just took a glass of alcohol. Harm was the only one she could talk to…
"So what's next, Sadik – convert me to Islam?" Sarah asked vehemently.
"You revealed yourself to me when we where in Paraguay, Sarah…You were pretending to be a man's wife. Pretending to carry a child, but when I saw through the illusion, I realized you are pretending to be a woman. You're without a husband, without children. You live a barren life in a prison of fear…"
"And you've come to set me free?" Mac demanded.
0039 ZULU
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
Washington, D.C.
Harm's heart ached to see her like that, but what could he do to help? To really help her? Nothing! All he could do was hold her tight and listen to her whenever she felt the need to speak. He wished he'd have been there with her when she was facing that snake – she shouldn't have had to do this alone.
Harm felt Mac slightly shift in his arms. She was disentangling herself from him slowly. Mac looked at him with such a sorrow in her eyes that Harm thought his heart had frozen. "I'm sorry, Harm," she whispered before she freed herself completely from his arms and stood up.
"Mac…" he started.
Mac didn't react, just continued to walk toward the window. She stopped right in front of it and seemed to stare at something. He couldn't figure out what it was, but what difference would it make if he could? No difference – he wouldn't still be able to take away her pain.
Harm didn't move an inch; he just sat there on the couch looking at her back, wondering what was going on in his friend's head. Harm thought that he could easily picture it, even if he hadn't been there with her and he was unable to read her mind. He knew Sadik was in there.
Sadik had done a hell of a job with her. He'd tortured her mentally, and that was worse than torturing someone physically because it was more subtle, and much more difficult to heal. A flesh wound hurts, yes, but before long it could be healed and forgotten about. But healing this kinds of wound was something complex; more time is needed, more strength. Mac had the strength, but she would be suffering for a long time – maybe years, even – and there was no guarantee that she would completely accept what had happened.
"Free to do what? Cover every inch of my body, and never leave the house?" she said accusingly.
Mac looked at the counter, twisting her fingers nervously, then placed the lid on the teapot.
"You would wear the hijab and live with dignity not dress like a whore and live like one," Sadik told her with shining eyes, as if seeing Mac angry made him happy.
Mac stared hard at Sadik Fahd. This man repulsed her, but she knew she was playing with fire, and it made her feel somehow both powerful and defenseless at the same time…
Harm was still watching his friend when he noticed that her shoulders were shaking – no, her entire body was shaking now. His heart broke once more in a billion pieces. He had never seen her like that before – he'd seen her crying a couple times, but this time it was different.
It was like she had been destroyed, and this time she hadn't tried to do it – someone had done it for her. He had exposed her to her fears and used them against her. Harm sighed, sadly. Then he stood up, and slowly walked toward the window and his best friend.
Now standing right behind her, he hesitated a few instants before doing something he wouldn't have allowed himself to do in any other circumstances. He thought that maybe what he was about to do would make her feel a little bit safer – he hoped so and he also hoped that she wouldn't misunderstand his gesture.
Harm first put both of his hands on her shoulders and squeezed them softly. "Go ahead and cry, Mac – it'll make you feel better," he whispered. Then, long minutes later, when Mac's sobs calmed down a bit, Harm slid his arms gently around her waist, and much to his surprise, she leaned back against his chest. She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes; her hands were left on his.
Mac had been so scared in the JAG parking lot, when she had heard him yell – she'd panicked and had run back to him again. It hadn't been long before she was by his side again, but during these few seconds so many things went through her mind – the worst case scenario. What if something more serious had happened? What if she had lost him?
Just thinking of the idea that she could have lost him made new tears shine in her eyes. Losing him had never been an option. They were only friends, but Harm had always been Mac's best friend since the very beginning of her assignment to Falls Church. Sure, it'd been a little awkward at the start, because he'd looked at her in such a strange way – like he was seeing a ghost of something – but then the relationship she shared with Harm was the healthiest relationship she had ever had with a man.
Their dance had been working on her nerves for a long time, but she was happy that they could dance like this around each other. She didn't want to be left with the regret of never taking the chance to tell him how she felt. Mac knew she loved Harm – not only as a friend – but she couldn't bring herself to tell him that yet.
For now, all she wanted to do was enjoy their closeness and talk to him – to tell him everything that had happened with Sadik Fahd and Clayton Webb. Harm was actually the only one with whom she felt safe. She didn't need any therapy, or a shrink; all she needed was Harm. She needed to talk to him and no one else.
"Harm?" she started, her voice barely audible.
"Hmm?"
"Sadik tried to kill you in the JAG parking lot a few days ago. Well, not exactly, because I know that if he'd intended to really kill you would have been dead. I'm sorry, Harm, this is all my fault. You being deaf for a couple of days…" Mac's voice cracked again and new tears rolled down her cheeks.
Harm held Mac a little more tightly. "Hey, Mac, don't say that. This is not your fault. You did what you thought was right, that's all…" he said gently.
"Well, that's exactly what is wrong, Harm. Every single time I think something is right, it turns out to be wrong and blows up right in my face!" Mac said, a clear tone of anger creeping through her voice.
"That's not entirely true. It didn't exactly blow up in your face this time, Mac, but it did in mine." Harm chuckled softly.
Mac turned in his arms slowly so now she was looking into his eyes. "Harm, this is not funny. You could've been far more seriously injured. You've been pretty lucky, you know?" she told him, her eyes shining with unshed tears. The sight tore at his heart.
"Oh, Mac… I'm okay. Yeah, I was deaf for a while, but my hearing is fine now. I'm here with you, and I have no intention of going anywhere. I'm there for you and I'll always be there for you, and that's a promise. And you know that I've always kept my promises, don't you?" Harm said, a soft smile on his lips.
Mac smiled back at him, whispering, "Yes, I do."
She hugged her friend tightly and he more than willingly returned the embrace. They stayed like this in each other's arms for a few endless moments. Mac was beginning to feel better. Even after all that had happened between them she still felt safe in his embrace – she still felt the need to go to him when she needed to talk to someone.
Mac was grateful that Harm hadn't shut her out of his life because she'd started to comprehend that she really needed him – as the friend that he was and always had been, but more importantly, she simply needed him in her life. She wouldn't know where to start without him.
Loosening his embrace, he pulled back a little just to be able to look into her eyes, and smiled.
"Would you like some thing to drink?"
"I'd liked that very much," Mac answered softly.
Harm let reluctantly go of her so he could walk to the kitchen, then turned around to look at her again. "What would you like to drink?"
She looked at her friend, a mischievous smile on her lips, and Harm couldn't help but smile back at her again. "What?"
"Would you mind making hot cocoa for me?" she asked him.
Harm looked at her, surprise showing on his feature. "You, Sarah Mackenzie, the tough Marine, want me to make hot cocoa?"
"What's wrong with that? I like drinking hot cocoa from time to time and especially when I'm feeling a little sad. Is that so extraordinary?" Mac said.
"Of course not. It's just that I've never pictured you drinking hot cocoa when you are feeling down. Though thinking about it's not so crazy. I've read somewhere that chocolate has anti-depressant virtues… and it's also good against stress." Harm answered while he was getting the ingredients to prepare the hot drink.
Mac walked toward the couch where she made herself comfortable by sliding out of her shoes. Bringing her legs up, she wrapped her arms around them and rested her chin on her knees. She was surprised at how it had been easy to do this – it didn't feel awkward or anything, just like the good old days…
0245 ZULU
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
Washington, D.C.
Mac was holding her mug in her two hands, enjoying the scent of the warm chocolate. Her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be at peace with herself for the time being. She was thinking of Webb, of some moments they'd spent together at her place… a smile lit up her face briefly, but it almost immediately faded away, replaced by a look of anger.
Watching her, Harm frowned. What was she thinking about? Why did the smile turn to anger? What was going on?
"Mac?" he called to her softly.
"Hmm…" she sort of answered him before opening her eyes.
"Are you okay?" Harm asked her, a clear tone of concern in his voice.
Looking at him now, Mac answered, "Yes, I'm fine. It's just that I remembered something that I thought was good in the beginning, but that turned not to be so good in the end."
Harm took a long sip of his own cocoa mug and just looked back at his friend with questioning eyes, but didn't say a word, waiting patiently for her to explain what she had in mind. From the expression on her face, he knew it had to be something serious, and as he looked into her eyes he could tell that it had to be something that involved Webb.
Mac looked down at her mug for a few moments, sighing. Then she looked up at Harm again, her eyes shining once more with unshed tears. "Clay is a bastard, Harm. I'm beginning to realize that he never really loved me, and if he did he had a strange way of demonstrating it. If I had to find a word for what our relationship was about, it would be a little three letter word that starts with the letter 'S'."
Harm gazed at his friend wide-eyed, stunned by what she just told him. When she had started dating Clayton Webb, she'd looked happy; at least he'd thought so, when he'd returned to JAG. Clay seemed to be able to give her something that he hadn't been able to give her – the happiness she deserved – and now it was like it had turned upside down. Mac looked sad, tired. What had happened?
"What?" Harm asked in disbelief.
Mac took a sip of her mug and closed her eyes as the hot liquid rolled down her throat, thinking of how she would tell Harm about what she felt inside. She'd done so much damage to him already saying things – things now she regretted, but it was too late, and she couldn't take them back.
Then she thought of something Harm had said to her a long time ago crossed her mind, it was a little before her marriage with Brumby – that never happened anyway – "Hey, slow down, Mac. First off this was arranged long before you even set a date, and frankly if you need me at your wedding to make it work, maybe you should reconsider who you're marrying" and if she would honest with herself she would have admit that Harm had been right. She didn't really want to marry Mic; she wanted Harm to be there to safe her
They'd been arguing about Webb, or discussing him; though with the tone of voice Harm had used it sounded more like they were arguing. Over useless matters, as usual. Harm couldn't stand him – he'd never had had a great relationship with Clay, but now it was even worse and Mac knew it even if Harm wasn't really showing it. She could feel it. She'd felt the tension between the two men several times.
Every time Webb was mentioned in a conversation between the two of them, it turned into an argument. And the worst of it was that Harm was mostly right about things, but Mac would never ever admit that to her friend, and some of his words echoed in her mind.
"You know we've been dancing around this for a year now," he'd started.
Mac had stopped walking and faced him as Harm continued, "Are you in love with Webb?"
She'd looked at him with surprise and answered, "I might be." Her choice of words was deliberate, as if to let him wonder if something really was happening between her and Clay.
Harm had lowered his gaze for a few instants before looking into her eyes again, slightly smiling. "You're doing what you always do: not committing, leaving your options open."
She looked at him. "Are you trying to throw me in to his arms, Harm? Is that really what you want?" she said, smiling at him defiantly.
Then Harm's response left her shocked. "If you love him, it doesn't matter what I want." She had no time to retort; all she could do was stare at his leaving form.
Harm recalled saying those words: "If you love him, it doesn't matter what I want." He had meant each and every single word of that sentence. All he wanted was for her to be happy, because he loved her, and he also wanted to make her think about what she really wanted. Her earlier words – 'Webb is a bastard' – were spinning in his mind. Something must have happened.
Harm lost his train of thought when he heard Mac's voice speak softly. "You know, sometimes I think about leaving JAG, leaving you and every single person I care about…"
"Why would you want to do that?" Harm asked, his voice full of sadness and concern, although he already suspected what her answer would be.
"Because if I left you, you would be safe. All the men I've cared about are dead or in bad shape – I mean, look what Clayton went through because of me … he's been tortured for me."
"I know that, Mac," Harm started softly. "But you're not the only one to blame for what happened back there. Clay is and will always be a CIA agent. He knew full well what he was doing when he asked you to go with him."
"Yeah, but…"
"There are no buts, Mac. I also knew what I was doing when I gave my resignation to Chegwidden and headed to Paraguay to get you back. I took risks, but they were worth it because I brought you back to the United States, alive. I also knew there was a risk that the admiral wouldn't take me back, and I ignored it. I decided I would rather try to save you, knowing there was a chance I would come too late or even end up dead, than not to have tried anything and live for the rest of my life with a thousand questions spinning in my head –questions which would never have any answers…"
Harm stopped and took a sip of his cocoa. Suddenly, he seemed lost in thought, and when she looked at him closely she saw that Harm's eyes were full with unshed tears. Mac felt a knot that was forming in her throat.
Harm had really done all this for her. She'd always known it in her heart, but she'd preferred not to listen to it and instead listened to her head. She would lose everything if she didn't say or do anything right now – or would she? She was still considering how to respond when she heard Harm continue.
"I would have given my life for you, Mac, without any hesitation. When I saw you kiss Webb in the truck… my heart broke into a billion pieces and I couldn't do anything about it, but still, I convinced myself that I'd done the right thing. I would have accepted anything, even seeing you with someone else, because all that mattered to me was that you were alive…" His voice trailed off.
"Oh, Harm, I'm so sorry," she murmured, her own tears starting to pick at her eyes.
She wasn't sure he had heard her when he went on.
"I wouldn't have known how to live on if something had happened to you, Mac or if you were dead… I think I would have died with you or shortly after you. Life wouldn't have made any sense without you…" He sucked in his breath. He was barely aware that he was pouring his heart out to her – somehow Harm knew what he was doing, but he didn't care.
Mac was now crying. She couldn't believe what she was hearing from her best friend. She could not even begin to understand what she put him through. Sure, he had put her though a lot as well, but this… She had broken his heart; she suspected it, but now it was a certainty.
She felt awful because of what she'd done, but there was nothing she could do to go back in time and undo what had happened. There was something Mac could do, though: make both their futures look brighter. She would tell him what she was about to say earlier before Harm had started to open up his heart to her.
She set her cocoa mug slowly on the table and stood up. Taking the few steps that would bring her closer to her friend, she looked him in the eyes before kneeling down. Mac just looked at him for a few more moments, then placed her right hand on one of Harm's that were still holding his mug and closed her eyes.
"After Strange's court-martial, I want to see Clay, and I talked to him about what happened with Sadik, how I felt and everything…" she started softly, her voice slightly trembling.
Harm looked down at her with red-rimmed eyes. Mac felt his eyes on her and slowly opened hers. She smiled a little, knowing that Harm understood, and also because she knew that this would be some kind of fresh start in their relationship – maybe a relationship together as something more than only friends. That was what she hoped deep down in her heart, but she wouldn't push anything.
Mac went on, "… and all he did was analyze it like he was my shrink. It was like he didn't really care how I was feeling. He was cold, Harm. He really was cold. And it felt to me like all this was about was jealousy, because I was the one who finally got Sadik. Webb made me promises in Paraguay and I believed him, but it was all a lie. I think I convinced myself that he was the one because he said all these things I needed to hear – I wanted to hear. He said he would always be there for me, and he would always listen and never make me wonder, and then what happened? He never listens, he's never there, and I'm wondering all the time. I was so stupid for even have thinking that he was telling the truth." Her voice cracked.
Harm looked at her intently and slowly slid his hand from under hers so he would be able to put his mug on the table as well. He didn't say a word, but simply opened his arms. Mac settled in gratefully into his embrace from her position on the floor.
"Mac," Harm started softly while gently rubbing her back.
"Harm, wait… let me finish this, please. I really want you to know what happened with Webb and Sadik."
Harm was not really sure he wanted to know the all story, but he would respect her wishes. "Okay."
"I fooled myself all the time, Harm. I let myself be fooled by him because he said what I wanted and needed to hear when I needed it. When I was with Sadik in that apartment I felt strong and desirable – can you believe that? I felt desirable in front of a monster who wouldn't hesitate a second to kill a thousand people. What kind of a person am I? I'm not even better than him, Harm. I tried to seduce him and I liked it – I liked it! Who am I?"
Mac could not talk anymore; she was overwhelmed by a wave of anger mixed with sadness and disgust. Her body was trembling vigorously.
Harm just rubbed her back a little more and waited for her to calm down before he gently answered:
"You are not a bad person or a monster either. What you felt was a natural feeling, and under those circumstances, what else could you have done than to try to seduce him in hopes of saving the people in that nightclub? You did what you thought was right, and no one can blame you for that. Clay is in trouble too, Mac; he has been traumatized as well, even though I know he would never admit that to himself. He is a CIA agent, after all. So maybe you should give him a little time too and then you two could get… back together." Harm said those last words in a whisper.
Mac's body had stopped trembling, and she looked up at her friend and asked, "Why are so good with me and so understanding with Clay?"
"Because I know what it is like to deny feelings. The only thing that will have a healing power is time, Mac, and only time," Harm said softly while stroking her hair.
"I don't want to get back with Clay, Harm…" Mac murmured. "He drinks and I'm not sure I want to give him a chance."
Harm didn't say a word and looked her in the eyes. He could see she was telling the truth. And for the first time in months, he allowed himself to hope that maybe everything wasn't over, and that there might be a chance to take their relationship to another level. For that, he was will to wait forever if that's what it took.
But first, Mac needed to learn to forgive herself, and then they might be able to start something together…
THE END
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